Contact/communication: how little is too little?

Parents Forum
1

<p>A friend and I were talking about college exasperation the other day. Her college sophomore won't return email, won't respond to text messages, and made a point of telling the family he keeps the cell phone (that the family pays for) turned off and the room phone unplugged, to prevent anyone in the family being able to contact him. He also refuses to listen to voicemail messages. He's basically gone out of his way to be impossible to reach, because he feels that ANY contact with the family is annoying. Because of this, they can't plan vacations or schedule things related to him. We we were talking about this because fall break is going on at our kids' schools, and she has no idea if/when he is visiting for it. This has been going on for more than 6 months, on and off. </p>

<p>In that situation, I would be pretty ****ed about paying for a cell phone, for a student who tells me flat out he's ignoring me. I suggested she cut off the phone and disengage from the kid some. We're both financial aid folks, so it's not a question of 'I pay for it, so you better contact me', but I guess from my point of view, if a student is getting health insurance, cell phone, and financial aid info (tax returns, signatures) from the family, it's appropriate to expect some form of contact, or at least not obnoxious "I'm flat out avoiding you" stuff. </p>

<p>Do you all expect a minimum of contact from your college students? Do you tie that to repercussions? How much contact is too little? I think this sort of thing is bratty, but I'm a little old-fashioned in some ways, I guess.</p>

2

<p>Wow...that's pretty extreme. </p>

<p>My parents don't expect a level of contact from me, but I talk to my mom daily...my dad somewhat less, just because I'm closer to my mom. I talk to my older siblings more now than I did at home!</p>

3

<p>I honestly don't know how I'd feel in this situation. However, I'd like to think that I'd simply plan vacations/holidays/etc. without him. If he doesn't want to include his family in his life, the natural assumption would be that he doesn't want to be included in his family's life. As for fall break, I would not plan on him being home. If he were to come home, I wouldn't change my routine. If he came home & I didn't have enough food for him at dinner that day, I'd simply tell him that I would have had enough had I known he was going to be home - but as it is, he'll have to fend for himself.</p>

<p>... I'd also have a good cry about my little boy no longer wanting or needing me (even though he probably will come to his senses before too long).</p>

4

<p>That's pretty extreme. As a recent college grad, I'd say that his family shouldn't go out of their way when he does visit next, whether it's fall break, winter etc. I'm sure he's welcome home, but there isn't any need to cancel plans to spend more time with him, change plans to do stuff he likes, make his favorite meals etc. Sometimes even a student who has been in touch with the family can feel a bit put off when they get home and everyone else seems to have their own routines - with parents running in and out for errands/plans, siblings with their own plans etc; I think there is often a slight feeling that the world should stop because they're home. That's normal and I think parents do/should accomodate that so the returning student feels wanted and included. However, this guy acts like he doesn't ever want to be included in his family, unless it's on his terms, so he needs to get the message that if he continues to ignore them, they won't be sitting around waiting to pay attention to him either.</p>

5

<p>If they are paying for ANY of his college education I would promptly suggest that he turn one of those phones on and answer it now and then. If he wants no contact with his family while at college, let him pay for college. If he's got a full ride for school, who's paying for his cell phone, his spending money, his books, his travel, etc. If it's them, pull the plug. That might get his attention. This kid is obnoxious & needs a little wake-up call.</p>

6

<p>Has there always been tension between the parents and this kid or is this something new?</p>

7

<p>The line that stuck out for me is "...because he feels ANY contact with the family is annoying." Wow. That's harsh and really sad given how his family seems to want to stay in touch with him. I also hope they don't try to reach him in an emergency, which he ignores, and lives to regret. </p>

<p>It sounds like something more is going on here, something that started before college. </p>

<p>Yes, we expect a minimum amount of contact, if only to be reassured our daughter is OK. I would worry and be quite sad if having to interact with us was perceived as "annoying."</p>

8

<p>Okay a few comments from the mom of a cone-of-silence DS.</p>

<p>I can't say that any of these random musings apply to the OP's friend, but some might.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Some kids are just quieter than others. All around, not just with family. What is "normal" amount of communication to others is "pressure" to communicate to them.</p></li>
<li><p>Some are not quiet all around, but are quiet with family. My theory is that they feel they are now adult and they confuse attempts to keep in touch as attempts to keep them "child." And/or, they may have a strong need for privacy and have a difficult time with sharing parts of their daily lives for fear it will tip over into no privacy at all.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I still remember my own feelings as a pre-teen. If my mother asked me how the party was and who was there, I feared answering. Because, what if the next question was, "well, did you kiss a boy?" And, if I answered that.... what might she ask next!?! :eek: Silly, I know, (I had absolutely nothing to hide) but remembering that fear on my part has helped me understand where my S might be coming from.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>If they are feeling pressure to communicate, they may overreact in the way the S in the OP has. Not saying that's ok, but just saying it could apply and could lead to a strategy that might work. (see below) Their idea of too much communication might be our idea of horrifically infrequent communication. We have to try to see it from their view.</p></li>
<li><p>My S was never at the extreme described in the OP. However, it was not unusual that emails would be unresponded to; IM's would yield little response ("ok") or none. Phone calls, while answered, would engender short and noticeably distracted/annoyed tone of voice. I have found that a sizable minority of parents have this experience, so - at this level - the limited communication is not totally abnormal.</p></li>
<li><p>In response to unanswered emails and my frustration, DS suggested - and I adopted - this plan. When I really truly needed a reply to an email, the subject line was to begin "RTR." This meant, per DS, "Required to Read." I adapted it to "RTRR" ("Required to Read and Respond", lol). This worked for us. I used it ONLY when I <em>needed</em> an answer. "Needing an answer" in this rubric could not include "haven't heard from you in so long that I need to know you are okay"... that would not have worked. "Needing an answer" applied to such things as travel plans, etc.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>It does seem like S and we always had better communication than described in the OP, but still... it was way limited for my tastes.... so it might be harder for the OP friend to try something like this, but it might work.</p>

<ol>
<li>This type of kid has a completely different perception of frequency of communication. DS and I engaged in a little negotation game, quite serendipitously during move-in of his junior year. He had been, for him, amazingly voluble that day. It was so enjoyable. He wanted to order cable TV for his room and wondered if we would help pay for it. I responded that maybe I would, if in return he'd take the initiative to keep in touch and be as communicative as he had been that day - just occasionally, maybe every couple of weeks - to just chat a tiny bit. He said he would.</li>
</ol>

<p>A month or so passed. I thought to myself "well, that didn't work" and I hadn't been contributing, therefore, to his cable bill. He'd called once or twice with a 15 second question about something or other, but no calls to chat or just check in. Guess what? To him, he <em>had</em> been calling just so say hi, chat, check in. That's what those "nothing" calls were. From his POV.</p>

<ol>
<li> It can change. It did for us. Our S is a college senior now. He is still not a "call to chat" person. But he does call more often. I am a Sinner's Alley denizen here on cc and you can read over there my celebration of a day last week when S called me six times (6!) to tell what a great day he had. </li>
</ol>

<p>I had read post after post after post on cc of parents recounting the calls from their DS or DD "while walking across campus." Wi-s-t-ful would be a mild term for how I felt about never receiving such a call. My first one, though, did eventually come last week. Nirvana.</p>

9

<p>There are college students so caught up in their independence and the activities of their first year away that they don't call home and then there are situations that are bigger than that. This boy is a sophomore and has actually told his parents that he has shut his family out because they "annoy" him. It makes me wonder if he has some real or imagined baggage and is punishing his family.</p>

<p>Personally, if the boy were within a reasonable distance I would show up on campus, take him out to dinner and talk to him. I would encourage him to articulate real reasons for his annoyance. My daughter and I hashed out our relationship a few times during her teen/young adult years. It really helped me to understand where she was coming from and for her to see that her parents occasionally knew what they were doing. This boy could just be an immature kid and will grow out of it but the relationship with his family sounds more complicated. I would expect/demand a weekly phone call whether he likes it or not. A three minute update while walking to the library would be fine.</p>

<p>If he is some distance away I would be writing an email or leaving a voicemail letting him know that the phone is going to be cut off if he doesn't return the call in short order. </p>

<p>(jmmom, I LOVE the "RTR" notation.:))</p>

10

<p>"Because of this, they can't plan vacations or schedule things related to him. "</p>

<p>Sounds like they need to be scheduling those things without considering him. </p>

<p>I suggest that they do this in a way that isn't angry or resentful, just the natural consequences of his actions. From the way that he's acting now, it doesn't seem he's interested in being included in those things anyway.</p>

<p>The kid seems unusually self absorbed. I also wonder what other things are going on in the family because I doubt if he's acting that way out of the blue.</p>

<p>I don't have any minimum requirements of communication. When I was in college, my mother wanted me to write her every week. That was what she had always chosen to do with her mom after my Mom married and moved to a different state. </p>

<p>I called Mom at least every week, but she never appreciated that, and was very resentful of me for not writing her. As a result, I entered college feeling very close to my mom, but by the time college ended, I felt overwhelmed by her demands for intimacy on exactly her terms. I literally felt that communicating with her was a burden. If I wrote her, she'd remind me of the times I hadn't met her weekly requirements. If I called, she didn't seem to appreciate that communication.</p>

<p>S, a soph, has never been a person who communicates well on the phone. We have talked on the phone three times since he returned to college in early Aug. In general, his phone communications aren't that informative. That's always been the way he is.</p>

<p>After freshman year, we talked about how best to stay in touch, and he decided to create a blog just for H and me and his adult friends. He updates it a couple of times a week. It includes pictures of him and his friends. </p>

<p>He's very visually oriented, and enjoys communicating this way, so this has worked well for our family.</p>

11

<p>My soph D calls almost every day while my freshman S, if left to his own devices would likely call me only if he needed something but we discussed my fears that he would not call or be in touch, before he went to college and we agreed then that he would skype once a week and so far he has done that. The S in OP's post apparently does not want to be a part of his family and this is sad and I think a face to face talk to communicate his mom's feelings is needed. If after that he still doesn't respond then I would give him his space and keep away/get on with my family's life. Of course I don't know what I really would do until faced with it.</p>

12

<p>Could the parents (most likely mom) have just been nagging and demanding too much, the kid is just saying enough is enough? I don't care how independent a kid is, I have never known a kid wanting to cut off all communication with parents or family.</p>

<p>My older daughter talks to me a lot because she doesn't think I am judgmental of her. Whatever she's ever said to me (last one was about getting birth control), I would always keep a straight face and hear what she has to say. She feels comfortable to spill her gut to me, more than to her girlfriends. </p>

<p>On the other hand, my younger daughter feels I am very strict and maybe not as understanding of her issues. She will only tell me what's necessary. It's been hard for me to break through and get her trust. At the same time, I tell her that I care a lot about her and I expect her to check in when she is away from home. </p>

<p>If I were the parents of this boy, I would reflect on what I possibly could have done to get that kind of reaction from my child and try to repair the relationship before it's too late. If the kid is just being a sh**head, then I would absolutely cut him off.</p>