Can't contact the College kid?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Last semester in his freshman year, there were times when the kid would not return our calls or emails for a week or two at a time until I told him I will stop sending his weekly allowance, after that he would return our calls/emails in a timely fashion, now after 2 weeks of trying same problem but I am guessing that since he worked over the summer and is scheduled to support himself for this semester meaning he doesn't need us for finances right now, he feels he has no reason to contact us. Also becuase he has not been attending at least one class so he knows we know he's messing up.</p>

<p>I told my wife I am contemplating going up there and telling face to face that if he doesn't return our calls or at least check in with us once per week from now on then he can't live here anymore so he has to go live somewhere else from this December onwards, I am sure every parent here would not recommend such a drastic move but I see absolutely no other way for us to get through to this kid, if he was taking care of studies then I would have left him alone but that is not the case.</p>

<p>I would like to hear from BOTH parents and students on this topic before I pay him a visit becuase I am sick to my stomach and have had enough trying all these years to keep this kid on the straight and narrow and what he's doing now is showing total disrepect towards us.</p>

2

<p>I don't have a solution to your problem, but I don't sent my college-age kids an allowance. Never have. </p>

<p>Does your son have a cell phone? When my son first went to college I was frustrated because I could never reach him, so I sent him a cell phone for his birthday. I did pay for that, because it really was for me rather than him. But after that I could reach him whenever I wanted.</p>

3

<p>Are you paying the bills, or any part? If so, you always have the option of telling him you expect thus and such or you won't pay. If he is totally supporting himself, while I agree it's incredibly inconsiderate for anyone not to get back in touch in a timely manner, there's not a whole lot that can be done. </p>

<p>I also don't know what your dynamic is on the phone... in my family, it's obvious that my son does not want to talk about his academic performance unless he initiates it. I don't really blame him; I wouldn't want my parents grilling me on my job performance either. Sometimes he brings up school work and sometimes not. I do ask, "how's everything going? how are your classes this semester?"...general interest questions like that. But not, "how did you do on your last test? What is your class average? Are you attending all the review sessions?" Do you think your son is avoiding having to answer questions like that? If so, what if you just quit asking for a semester, and see how he does?</p>

<p>How do you know he's not going to class? I think it's reasonable if you are paying tuition to expect someone to go to class. I'd put it this way- if you don't want to go to classes, you don't have to. We just won't sign up for them anymore. Easy solution.</p>

<p>It's hard to give advice because I don't know the story behind the story- you suggest there's some kind of history, and the comment about knowing whether he attends class indicates you are managing to get information from somewhere. In general, if the student is taking advantage of you, letting you pay for his college while frittering it away or using it as an opportunity to party, I'd say he needs to come home.</p>

4

<p>Yes, he's always had a cellphone ever since High School, we had planned on visiting him last weekend to have the talk with him and even called up their security personnel to go look for him, they went to his room, no one was there, they left a note and also notified the Dorm's RA to get the message to him, still no response from him.</p>

5

<p>Where do I start?</p>

<ul>
<li><p>weekly allowance?</p></li>
<li><p>check in weekly?</p></li>
<li><p>how often did you call YOUR parents when you were in college? How about now?</p></li>
</ul>

<p>IMHO, you have too much time on your hands. Maybe get a dog? :-)</p>

<p>Seriously, you seem to be locked in a power struggle. Heaven knows I've been in them too, and know they are not easy. So why not turn it around? Let him call when he gets around to it. Maybe you can motivate him by "forgetting" a check or two until he gets the idea. It could take a long time I know, but these things can't be forced. </p>

<p>FWIW, I have a 50+ brother who never calls mom unless he needs something, and that can take weeks. It is just the way it is.</p>

6

<p>Telling him he can't live with you is very extreme, and could affect your relationship for years. My recommendation is not to do it. Many college kids don't communicate well or often with their parents, believe me: you're not the only one frustrated by a silent child! </p>

<p>If you can drive up to school, do so. But do it with the understanding that you simply want to talk, to make sure he's OK and to spend some time with him. During the visit, you can find out why he's missing classes and try to impress upon him how worried you are when he doesn't return your calls/emails. </p>

<p>But do it gently, and nicely. I think that may prove more effective than threats, especially if your S realizes that the one way to keep you from visiting more often (and unexpectedly) is to be more communicative with his parents!</p>

7

<p>Well, the situation is simply this, he has ONLY reached this level becuase of my very frequent interaction with his teachers, it has always been this way since kindergarten, it always took every effort out of his teachers, myself and his Guidance Counselors, he was extremely lucky last year his Freshman year to have 2 members from the learning Center help him pick up the pieces when failed a few classes becuase he simply was not attending them and also was given a 2nd chance by a very patient and forgiving Dean, to make a long story short, he's on academic probation this year [sophomore] and if he does not bring his grades up, he's out, there's no second chance now, his very first week of school last month, we got a letter having to pay a $50 fine for him and some others "being in the presence of Alcohol" and now I find out by his teachers that he's back to his same tricks as last year.</p>

<p>We pay only part of his education bills, most of it is student loans and we also supply his allownaces and some personal stuff. All in all, our choice is simply this, if we sit by and do nothing then he WILL fail, there's no 2 ways about that. To answer the question one of you asked before about when I was young how often would I contact my parents? Not often but whenever my parents asked to speak to me, I would call as soon as possible simply becuase they are my parents! That's the way I was raised, that you show consideration and respect to your parents whether your are supporting yourself or not..</p>

8

<p>It's hard to tell from your email what kind of relationship you have had with your son over the long term -- how is your relationship when he is home with you in the summer?</p>

<p>As a parent, the one thing I would not do is threaten to kick him out of my home. Once you burn a bridge like that it can be very hard to ever rebuild. An acquaintance of mine did a similar thing when her daughter was a freshman in college, and 5 years later, she still doesn't speak to her parents.</p>

<p>It may not be disrespect -- he may simply be trying to find his own way, and some kids think they have to distance themselves from their parents to accomplish this. If you keep the doors open and don't pressure him too much, he may come around. I wish you the best of luck -- this must be very hard for you and your wife to deal with.</p>

9

<p>I wouldn't threaten to not let him come home, I'd tell him that if he squanders this last chance, then you won't assist him financially at any college unless he lives at home. Do you think he's really prepared to be out on his own right now? It doesn't sound like it from your posts, it sounds like a catastrophic waste of money and resources. I don't intend that to be mean, but if he's had a second chance given to him and he's back to his old tricks, what good can come of his being there?</p>

10

<p>Steel,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'd be heartbroken. It sounds like your son is enjoying his college experience, but for many of the wrong reasons. It doesn't sound like he's there to learn yet. </p>

<p>If it makes you feel any better, I have several friends who basically failed out their first year or so of college, went home and worked for a year or so, and then made up their minds to put the pedal to the metal, so to speak. They all ended up going back, this time with more seriousness, and are now successful business people, educators, and one's an attorney. </p>

<p>Another friend went through an experience similar to yours with her son; he was having a good old time in college partying with his new fraternity and failing his classes. She basically did what zoozermom suggested and told him to come home/go to CC, but he returned to school anyway, using his own money/loans, quit the fraternity, and seems to be doing much better. It took him having to make up his own mind that "here is where I want to be, and this is what I want to do". There's only so long that a failing kid is going to be able to get student loans. He either had to make it on his own, or come home.</p>

<p>You've invested a lot of effort, and done an amazing job so far. But there's only so much you can do now- he's got to want to do it on his own. It is no reflection on you- he wouldn't be where he is now if it weren't for your good parenting. You've done an excellent job, but it's basically all over. Do not, whatever you do, take your son's performance personally!!</p>

11

<p>To get him to call, send the allowance on a weekly basis. If you don't hear from him, don't send it. Set up a weekly sunday call of a certain duration. Ten minutes. After a month or two, the habit should be ingrained. Remember to praise him and be positive during those calls. My mother had a habit of tearing me down on the phone--and I asked her to stop.</p>

<p>As for letting him fail his classes?</p>

<p>Let him fail.</p>

<p>Let him pick up the pieces.</p>

<p>Do not threaten to abandon him--he may well take you up on it.</p>

<p>None of our children would be where they are without our help. None of htme love us as much as we love them.</p>

12

<p>I would love to be best friends with my 2 boys but I wasn't blessed with kids who would make this easily possible, my choices are either be their best friend or be a parent, I am still trying to find some middlegorund. So what do I do here, leave him alone so he fails out of College or do I try every reverse psychology idea in the book to try to help him? Again, if he was doing fine on his own and don't wish to speak to us, then I would be the happiest person on earth but the contant partying ever since he started college is what's doing him in.</p>

<p>To answer your question Orchid_2010, we have always had a close relationship but again, since he started college, he started getting very defiant, opinionated and falling through the cracks so to speak, I've been told by some guys I know on Campus that he is moving with the wrong crowd.</p>

13

<p>Steel, I wonder if maybe he isn't ready to be in college right now -- dropping out would be sad, but not the end of the world. It sounds like college so far has really been a struggle for him. Some kids just aren't ready right out of high school. </p>

<p>I speak from experience as a college dropout (before I finished my sophomore year). I returned to school later and got both a BS and masters degree, when I was ready.</p>

<p>I'm not saying that this is the right path for your son -- I don't think that such a complex question can be answered in a forum like this. But if it happens and he does drop out, returning home might be the best place for him to get his act together.</p>

<p>Whatever happens, it sounds like you have been there for him and helped him and supported him in many ways throughout the years. But he is an adult now, and ultimately is responsible for his own life. You can support him, but you can't fix it for him anymore.</p>

14

<p>He doesn't sound like he's ready for college. I think he needs a dose of reality in the real world. I wouldn't tell him he's not allowed in your home - that's far too extreme, but if he flunks out he needs to look for a job and pay rent. If you can get in touch with him, I'd talk about being worried and wanting to touch base. Once a week is plenty and promise not to nag. He knows what he needs to do even if he's not choosing to do it.</p>

15

<p>Sounds like a son that doesn't want and/or appreciate the opportunity he has been given. Of course there could be other issues at work, such as health-related or possible depression. Or possibly a lack of maturity, especially since we are talking BOYS here!</p>

<p>Have 3 of them myself. (2 girls too!) And in our household (well, mine since I'm the Mama) a college education was not a right but a privilege to be earned and cherished. A goal planned for and maintained. If he can't handle the logistics of being a student right now maybe he shouldn't be. And I am not talking about quitting. No quitters in our house! But rather maybe a re-evaluation of his needs and wants and YOUR expectations.</p>

<p>My kiddos knew early on if they wanted/needed/desired a college/grad school education they would have to earn it, educationally and financially. Whther that meant scholarships, work earnings, community college, public uni or a a private that met 100% need, it was UP TO THEM. And with 5 it hasn't been easy!!!</p>

<p>Before your son can respect you he needs to respect himself and if he is not attending class, not talking to you, needing Dean's and GC's to help out that is somebody who is not ready whether willing or not to be where he is.</p>

<p>Rather than strain your relationship with him by threatening him with consequences, first address them from the perspective of solving the problem. Obviously something is keeping him from performing the way he would want. Your and his goal is to solve the problem, and if that means taking a break from what he is doing, so be it. Personally, I would rather have my child realize what they are doing is not working and if unable to correct the situation whether due to ability, desire, or health-issue and withdraw before failing a bunch more classes. </p>

<p>Maybe what he needs is time. And sometimes that is the hardest thing to acquire or in your case give.</p>

<p>He needs parents who love him no matter what and he needs to know you love him no matter what. That does not however give him free license to disrespect himself, his future nor his parents.</p>

<p>Again the goal should be to discover the problem, see if there is a possible solution and with compassion, patience and understanding reach a MUTUAL decsion. Maybe he doesn't know that he has other choices or maybe he doesn't know if it would be acceptable to exercise other options.</p>

<p>My best wishes to you and your son.</p>

<p>Kat
(only 1 parent here to give advice- single mom)</p>

16

<p>I quit College after my first year to go to work, being lured by the almighty dollar, I have always struggled financailly all of my life because of this and don't wish my sons to ever have to struggle the way I have which is why I would move heaven and earth if I can to help him succeed and simply refuse to let him fail.</p>

17

<p>All great stuff from all of you here. Some folks seem to think I am pushing for something he doesn't want but that is not the case, last eyar we tried everything, the CC otpion, I asked hin he would prefer to leave school now and go to work or if he would like to take a break now and retunr to school later sometime, he immediately replied that he wants to go to College so I told him that if this is his decision then I won't let up but if he fails out then I will have to treat him as an adult, meaning he will have to go to work and help pay the mortgage [rent for him] and whatever personal expenses an individual has to be responsible for. He agreed but said he will make it through College, we ALL thought he had turned the corner and finally matured but these past weeks seems to suggest otherwise.</p>

18

<p>Steel, it seems that he hasn't turned the corner and you can't drag him across the finish line here. Is there a college near your home that he could attend while living at home and avoid the temptations/distractions of living away?</p>

19

<p>Steel, it seems that he hasn't turned the corner and you can't drag him across the finish line here. Is there a college near your home that he could attend while living at home and avoid the temptations/distractions of living away?</p>

20

<p>I agree with other posters - your son does not sound ready for college. No shame in that. Many kids aren't (who made the rule that every 17 and 18 year old HS grad has to go to college??) When he chose to remain at school rather than come home, it sounds as though he chose being away from home and partying with his friends. Not a surprising choice.</p>

<p>You're the parent here and it seems that your money (and his mounting debt) is not being put to good use. I would give him to the end of this semester to get his GPA up to X (at least 2.0 so he'll be in good academic standing) and if he doesn't, he will have to come home, get a job, and pay reasonable rent. It's amazing how a couple of years of a low-paying, boring job is great motivation to return to school and be serious about it.</p>

<p>I've seen it with lots of students I've worked with and I've seen it with me. (Now with a BA, MA, JD and PhD I'm the poster child for "yes, you can pretty much flunk out of college when you're 17 and stupid and turn it around when you grow up and get smart"!)</p>

<p>You need patience . . . I know it's not easy to deal with. (At least that's what my mother continues to tell me . . . 37 years later!!!) As she says . . . this too will pass.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>