Coping with Father's Sudden Death

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hey everyone,</p>

<p>My dad died suddenly during Thanksgiving break and it has really shaken up my family and me. Because it's been about 6 weeks or so, I have started to get used to life without him, but I am only 19 and you never think you are going to lose a parent when you are 19 and a college sophomore, like I am.</p>

<p>I have been mostly okay because a lot of friends have been spending time with me during the holidays and it has allowed me to take my mind off it, and I know that once the semester starts and I get immersed in classes, research, working, etc. I will be busy. But it still hurts a lot at night when I'm in bed and it's all I think about, or when I'm home with my mom and my sister and my dad's not there when he otherwise would be doing the same things with us. It hurts that my father won't be there for my graduation, for my wedding, and seeing me live out my career, and I'll never see him again.</p>

<p>I was just wondering if you all had any suggestions or tips for me to cope, because I'm only 19 and this is the first major death or hardship I have faced. What did you do in similar circumstances? Any help would be appreciated. :)</p>

2

<p>I’m sorry for your loss. My father died suddenly when I was 28 and pregnant with his first grandchild. It hurts terribly no matter how old you are. It took me several weeks / months to be fully ok, but I still miss him. All I can say is it will get easier over time. </p>

<p>Suggestions? Think of the happy times. Sing a song / read a book / watch a movie you used to like together. Go easy on yourself, and your mom and your sister. And get immersed in classes, research, working, etc. And if you find yourself unable to cope, check out the school’s counseling center.</p>

<p>Good luck to all of you.</p>

3

<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. Not only do you need time to grieve, you need time to get over the shock of his sudden death.</p>

<p>Do you think you would do better to take a leave from school? Or would you do better to go ahead and plunge back into your studies?</p>

<p>I wouldn’t think too far into the future (graduation, wedding, etc.) but take each day as it comes. </p>

<p>Do you journal? Would it help you to write down your thoughts?</p>

<p>Does your campus have a counseling center? Maybe they could help you process your thoughts.</p>

<p>Again I’m so sorry for your loss. It will take some time to get over the shock and surprise of his death, on top of your grieving.</p>

4

<p>^cross posted with GeekMom</p>

5

<p>My father died when I was a college soph. Friends, classes, summer job got me through it. Basically, I kept busy and knew my life had to go on. My brother was only 8 at the time, he had a harder time.</p>

<p>There will be some rough spots but you will get through it. Help out your mom and sister when you can.</p>

6

<p>I am sending you hugs, this loss is just huge. I hope you have a strong support system and always remember your dad would want you to keep living your life. It will take time.</p>

7

<p>I think talking to others who have been through what you’re going through is very helpful. There are lots of bereavement support groups on line, or you could check with a local hospital for one that might meet in person. You may find that your friends will expect you to “get over” this before you feel ready.</p>

<p>There are also lots of good resources on the internet about the grieving process which might help you understand why you feel as you do and reassure yourself that it’s perfectly normal.</p>

8

<p>I had the same experience, to the day, 37 years ago, so I can tell you that you will get through this and for now, all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other, as John Steinbeck says in East of Eden, there will be times when you just go through the motions, but over time it gets better. previous poster is right - don’t think too far ahead but know that you will carry him in your heart throughout your life and though he may not be there, he is not missing. Enjoy your family and friends and don’t hesitate to talk to a professional.</p>

<p>I am sorry for your loss, but believe, based on your eloquent writing, that you will absorb and come through this.</p>

9

<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. You are asking good questions, and the advice here is good. I would only add that you may want to find a grief group through your counselor’s office. Your grief is very fresh and while everyone will be supportive, I think there is likely to be times when you want to talk to someone who truly understands your loss.</p>

10

<p>i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved father.</p>

<p>You’re still very deep in the grieving process. Give yourself time to heal. It sounds like you’re living at home, so hopefully you all can be there for each other. </p>

<p>{{{ hugs }}}</p>

11

<p>lost my father almost three years ago, and at some point in 2012 i started to feel like i was able to fully accept it. yes, it takes time. don’t force yourself to ‘get over it’–just yield to the emotions. meditation and yoga helped me tremendously. i’ve practiced yoga since i was a teen, but started meditation a few months after his passing. eat well, and get enough rest–it’s VERY important to take care of yourself physically. if you drive, carry tissues in your car in case you have to pull over and cry (i learned that the hard way). wishing you strength.</p>

12

<p>Hey Thankyou4flying,</p>

<p>My dad died suddenly when I was 23 and in grad school, the night before Thanksgiving. My parents were living in Europe at the time, so I hadn’t seen them for several months. I remember I was baking a pecan pie to bring to a friend’s house the next day, and after my mom called with the news I pulled it out of the oven and threw it in the trash. </p>

<p>Because college kids aren’t used to thinking of mortality, you may find that your friends shy from talking about your grief and may appear at times as though they’ve forgotten what you’re going through. You may feel like you need to appear strong so that people won’t worry about you. I learned a lot about how to treat others dealing with grief during that time, and it’s made me a better person today. I can still remember each person who took the time to write me or pull me aside and ask how I was doing. And the funny thing is that these weren’t necessary people who were my friends, they were others who had also experienced a loss and knew how much it helps to have someone acknowledge your grief. Some days you may just need to be alone and allow yourself to cry or think about your dad and feel sad. For me, the sadness lasted about 6 months and I was able to focus on my research and continue with school. To this day I still have dreams that my dad is alive, doing things and saying things that are comforting. </p>

<p>It will get better.</p>

13

<p>thankyou4flying, I’m very sorry for you loss. I also lost my dad when I was a 19 year old sophomore in college. It was very hard. I considered transferring, but my mom convinced me to stay where I was. My dad died in the month of October and I tried to get home every 2-3 weekends during the rest of the school year to be with my mom. School was only 2 hours away from home, so it was possible. It changed my school year, but it was what I needed and I know it helped my mom. It was hard to go home, even though I wanted to be there. At school my life eventually fell back into its normal routine, but everytime I went home I had to once again face the fact that my dad wasn’t there anymore. For a while I felt like I restarted my grieving process everytime I went home. The pain lessened over time. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal. You will always miss your dad. I still miss mine and it’s been over 30 years. I hope you can feel the hug I’m sending you.</p>

14

<p>Something that helped me after I lost my father at 18 was to make photo albums. I still have them 30 years later. You’ll always miss him but the pain won’t always be as acute. Avoid making rash decisions (I think that was one of the reasons I married 3 years later).</p>

15

<p>My father died when I was 24. That was almost 22 years ago and yet I still miss (and mourn) that loss every day. Though, time has definitely softened the blow.</p>

<p>In the months following my dad’s death, I found a lot of comfort in reading. The book “On Death and Dying” by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a helpful resource for me as was another book (I can’t recall the title) which was a collection of stories about daughters who had lost their dads. Be gentle with yourself and with your family. And if it makes you feel better, talk to your dad–and also talk about him. </p>

<p>I am very sorry that you have experienced this loss. It is a profound one. Sending you hugs and good vibes.</p>

16

<p>Hugs, thankyouforflying. My father also died right around Thanksgiving, 20 years ago. All of the above advice is good. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as another poster says. I am a writer so I did a lot of writing, but I also picked up doing art again back then, anything to put my feelings out there. My siblings helped, even my ex helped some. My mom and I had lots of long talks remembering Dad. And eventually, the pain is something that’s still there, but not as raw.</p>

<p>My H’s mother died just days after he turned 18, so his experience is closer to yours than mine. After 30 years what he still remembers is how much his friends were there for him. If you have good friends, turn to them and they will help you. For H, just doing every day normal things with his friends was the most important thing for him.</p>

<p>I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you.</p>

17

<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. After my mother died, I was kind of going on fumes for a month or so, thinking I was okay but probably just numb. Then, it hit. It was tough to shower. Tough to do laundry. I went through the motions for a couple of months, just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and doing the absolute minimum to get by. I thought about her a lot. I talked about her a lot, and cried a lot. What helped me at that time was knowing this was normal grief. It did get easier with time. If it hadn’t, I would have gone for therapy (which I have had in the past) or considered medication. </p>

<p>I second the comments of others who say talking to those who have been through it is very helpful. I think if you are pretty open about it, people will come out of the woodwork who have had similar experiences.</p>

<p>My sincere condolences.</p>

18

<p>Seems like there are many of us. My father died tragically and totally unexpectedly the summer before my senior year in college. I was 21. I was numb for a while. I remember my mother asking me if I was ok because I slept a lot before the funeral. I am very sorry for your loss. I don’t have any great advice, other than something to watch out for. It was very subtle and I don’t think I realized what was going on for a long time, but I had a hard time with any “older” men after my father died, like professors for example. (I am a man btw) My father was 50 when he died, and I think I resented anyone older than 50. It was like, why is my father dead and you are alive? I am well past that now, but at the time it was a burden for quite a few years. Now I am grateful that I and my siblings have lived past 50.</p>

19

<p>I am so very sorry for your loss.</p>

<p>As others have suggested, I would very much suggest that you visit your campus counseling office. It’s likely that they can connect you with other students who have lost parents recently, and they may well have a facilitated grief group that you can participate in. If not, just talking with someone there will help. </p>

<p>You are not alone: One in 7 children in the U.S. loses a parent before graduating from high school. And, of course, many people lose parents while they are in college. It really does help to talk with students who are experiencing all that you are going through. Those kids will really “get it,” even if their loss is not exactly like yours. They won’t expect you to get over it on any timeline except your own. You will be amazed how much this will help. I really urge you to do this. </p>

<p>I’d also suggest that you check out the resources online at the Dougy Center. They are at dougycenter.org. They list great books, and they also have a search function to find grief groups in your area, but I’m guessing your college will help with that, if you ask.</p>

<p>Like most posters here, I speak from personal experience. You will get through this, but you will have tough moments (and times when you are fine, too. And you will feel guilty about feeling fine! That’s normal, too. It’s a roller coaster and not a linear process at all.) </p>

<p>Cut yourself as much slack as possible. It may be harder to concentrate for awhile. Eat well and exercise. If you are having trouble sleeping, definitely talk with someone sooner rather than later. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse and can affect your school faster than any other grief symptom. </p>

<p>Someone above suggested journalling. This really does help. Many grieving people find it useful to write about their favorite memories of their loved ones, even in short snippets, or write letters to them. You can write a little bit each night, or whenever you feel like it. It may help you sleep, too. Your younger sibling will really appreciate all the memories you record of your dad, if you ever chose to share some of your writings with her. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you. PM me if you want to.</p>

20

<p>I am extremely sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking.</p>

<p>I have not had a parent die. But I had a child die. And it was the most devastating thing. I ended up having to take medication to get through the first while after his death. If you feel you need help like that, you should see a doctor.</p>

<p>((((hugs)))) I am just so very sorry.</p>