Coping with the socio-economic divide between kids

<p>DC’s school has an incredible collection of kids from all kinds of backgrounds. While the diversity offers an opportunity for kids during their formulative adolescent years to interact w kids they otherwise would not rub shoulders with, it also introduces new pressures. There is a social pressure to keep up with the (ultra-ultra-wealthy) Joneses (billionaires). </p>

<p>The school does try to offer activities that make wealth irrelevant (retro-themed parties that require Thrift Store scrounging talent). But, it is the non-school activities where the economic differences stand out (e.g., frequent weekend expensive dining out, ostentatious care packages). DC's previous school had uniforms.</p>

<p>As a parent, I find the flashiness to be vulgar, but teenage kids being teenage kids feel pressured to compete. How does one help their kids to cope with the differences in values?</p>

<p>It’s hard. I think it’s much harder for girls than boys, because of the focus on brand name clothing. Boys tend to judge each other more on how much fun they have together, and frankly, sports ability. The truth is, the problem doesn’t go away in college either, as our kids get into and attend the same prestigious LACs and prestigious universities as their uber wealthy classmates. On the other hand, both of my kids have received fabulous invitations from their friends’ families, for sporting and arts related events, and even vacations. Sometimes, I would like to be them! I would love to hear from other parents on this issue.</p>

<p>I found that in college, kids are no longer teens and by then the were better able to cope with insecurity, the root cause of teenage peer presure. </p>

<p>Also, college kids tend to dress more casually than prep schoolers, so both the uber rich college kids and the full FA college kids wore the same wrinkled hoodies and sweat pants to class</p>

<p>My daughter is in her final year of boarding school. I remember the economic differences discussed more in her first year. Often it was the insecure student touting their parent’s wealth or celebrity. Many of those students didn’t last the first year. My daughter says most students don’t know which ones are receiving financial aid, and most kids just don’t care about the wealth. My daughter has enjoyed the hospitality of a variety of families of various economic levels. I think some individuals notice the difference more than others. It doesn’t seem to faze my daughter (we are a middle class family with occupations in education). I find that the secure students don’t flaunt their wealth. This is how I have seen it at my daughter’s school for the past 3+ years, but I realize all schools are different. After the initial month of school, the kids seemed to be more interested in the student and not what the parent’s assets.</p>

<p>Thank you for opening up the discussion. I dealt with these feelings as a teen and have tried to help my kids navigate the disparity by being very open about it before they even left for school. That said, both kids were shocked by the wealth of some of their peers at BS – had never seen anything like it. For older child it was shocking but not really problematic. She went to BS as an older sophomore with a pretty solid identity as a counter culture, vegetarian, environmentalist, etc. Younger child is an athletic boy, and, as Baystate…says he is fun and athletic enough that it doesn’t seem to make him feel insecure – though he is a more committed socialist than ever :). I think both kids feel a little guilty that they are getting so much more than the average kid, and it has reinforced their commitment to give back (to their schools and society) but we all feel that these schools are fantastic and what every school should be and that’s not necessarily the norm. Entitlement is a huge part of the American experience and I agree that learning to deal with it is better than not. I feel like it’s more important than ever to make family time meaningful to help them feel solid in less ostentatious values. I think community service, on and off campus, is paramount.</p>

<p>To the OP’s question “How does one help their kids cope with the difference in values?”…</p>

<p>I think the best way is by not getting caught up in this sort of thing too much ourselves. As wcmom1958 noted, by making “less ostentatious values” part of your family’s overall worldview/experience, it can’t help but become “normal” to your kids.</p>

<p>I know that we adults can play into these feelings, perhaps unknowingly. For example, even if your child has classmates from famous or “household name-level wealth” families, there is a chance your kid has never heard of them. So don’t point it out. And try not to be “wowed” by any stories of dining out or Rolexes tucked into care packages. I wouldn’t vilify that sort of thing, of course…just play it off as “Well, that’s just not how our family rolls…”</p>

<p>I also think it can vary from kid to kid. While my daughters seem to be relatively class-blind, my younger one definitely cares more about what’s “in” fashion-wise than her older sister. So yes, we bought her the Sperrys (throwback!) that seem to be the rage with middleschoolers in our area. More expensive than necessary? Sure. But they’re well made and will probably last a bit longer than the Target versions.</p>

<p>Additionally, this phenomenon can vary from school to school. At one school we visited last year, I found the displays of wealth by students to be borderline offensive (sorry kid, I think you’re a little young to be sporting the Prada shoes or talking about flying down to NYC for the weekend with your obviously from-a-lower-socio-economic-rung tour group.) It made the divide between the haves and the have-nots (where we would be classified) very clear…this was much harder to spot at the school where she ended up.</p>

<p>I think the comment about boys being more immune to distinctions is probably true. S tells us that the local WalMart is a favorite place for all. Over the summer, we talked about the fact that the entire economic continuum would be represented and that he is certainly not in the top of the crowd, but he could care less one way or the other and says he has no clue where kids are financially and why would anyone care as it has no bearing on learning. However, I was a bit distressed when he told us that at one gathering (not sure if it was just incoming students or whole student body but doesn’t matter), kids were asked by a quick show of hands how many were US/non-US, in state/out-of-state, FA/non-FA (!!!), etc. S said point was to show the diversity in the student body, but I’m not sure the FA question was very prudent.</p>

<p>… and I totally agree that parents should take the lead in helping kids understand their own family’s values on this issue (in our case, a non-issue, but we brought it up with S before BS because we didn’t know if he would be encountering something he’d not encountered before).</p>

<p>A thought I had on the drive home…it’s important that kids realize that it’s okay to be/feel “different”. It’s when they start feeling/being treated as “less than” because of the differences that things become a problem.</p>

<p>We have some strong examples in our extended family and in our community that demonstrate the old adage “money can’t buy you happiness.” Just because the grass looks greener, doesn’t mean the quality of life is better. As a BS parent who was also a BS student, this is a lesson almost every BS student will encounter.</p>

<p>Thanks to all for the thoughtful feedback. I thought I had all BS parenting concerns covered, until another OP started a thread about S’s wasting too much time on video gaming. LOL.</p>

<p>Ran across this link in my FB feed:</p>

<p>[Main</a> Line Mothers Are Raising Bratty, Spoiled-Rotten Daughters | The Philly Post](<a href=“http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2011/11/11/main-line-mothers-raising-bratty-spoiled-rotten-daughters/]Main”>Main Line Mothers Are Raising Bratty, Spoiled-Rotten Daughters | The Philly Post)</p>

<p>Not exclusive to the Main Line, IMO…</p>

<p>Sorry Seven Dad - I think that post misses the mark. Bratty and spoiled is an attitude not an income level. There is nothing wrong with driving a Land Rover, or owning a Prada bag as long as you don’t think that makes you a more valuable person than someone in the proverbial Chevy. People should not be judged by what they do have any more than people should be judged by what they don’t have.</p>

<p>Mt D has friends at BS who come from families with stratospheric incomes, who might very well wear Burberry socks to watch a soccer game. She has friends at BS who worry about having the busfare home for vacation. They all hang out together and are kind compassionate inclusive kids. There are plenty of spoiled brats at the school as well, but you can’t necessarily pick them out by the clothes they wear. Spoiled and bratty come at all income levels.</p>

<p>@1012mom: See my posts #6 and #9. My link to the Philly Post article notwithstanding, I don’t think there is value in vilifying people with wealth. </p>

<p>I will say that I have encountered plenty of kids/families who seem to equate having things with being better than other people. Agree that spoiled and bratty come at all levels…</p>

<p>No magic bullets. But modeling the behavior and the values you want the kids to follow can’t hurt. If that requires a muted lifestyle, so be it.</p>

<p>1012mom - respectfully disagree. A child who drives fancy cars and wears expensive clothes (and generally has the material trappings described by the author of that article) does not have any connection to reality, except in the most theoretical sense. </p>

<p>Everything is wrong about layering material splendor on a kid, from the values it instills, to the insulation from the rest of the world, to the complete lack of age-appropriate “lessoning” to the likelihood of caricaturing the child in the most derogatory/nauseating way to the general population. </p>

<p>I look at kids like this and it makes me cringe. They have NO clue about the notion of “earning” something, of work=reward; they already have all the rewards. It is laughable to hear the clueless mothers screech defensively about working hard for A’s, or donating time for a charitable cause as some sort of equivalency, or holding down a good job, or giving my child what I never had but always wanted. None of that counts because none of that has anything to do with teaching the kid about real want, or the word “no,” or the reality of an allowance running out. </p>

<p>I am 50+ years old now and at this point in my life certain things seem especially true to me. That our kids grow up with a personal understanding of connectors like work=food/clothing/car/house, life=yes-AND-no are two of them. I’ve seen lots of Main Line kids and Main Line-like kids in other locations on both coasts and it’s no wonder that the general public is so sensitive to the 99% vs 1% - it’s so stinking obvious! These 1% kids, especially on the plurality that is college campuses (but even at some of the larger boarding schools), engender disgust and anger in the rest of the student body. To claim differently is to argue the exception and not the rule.</p>

<p>Rebelangel, I respectfully disagree. I can’t look into her soul, so I have no idea if a child who wears expensive clothing or drives a fancy car “does not have any connection to reality, except in the most theoretical sense.” Sometimes parents who shower their children with material goods are trying to make up for other lapses. She may receive expensive manicures, but every other aspect of her life is managed by her parents with an eye on elite college admission.</p>

<p>I don’t pay much attention to fashion, so I don’t recognize designer brands. I encourage my children to judge others on their behavior, not their outward trappings. It’s quite possible to behave in an entitled manner in normal clothing. I cannot respect people who cut lines, or are needlessly rude to others, for example. </p>

<p>When kids first arrive at their new schools, many seem to try to proclaim their identities through clothing and such. As time passes, their shared experience gives them new identities. They are no longer, “Josephine from the Main Line,” but rather, “Josephine, who lent her new dress to her roommate,” or “Josephine, who broke her toe at soccer practice.”</p>

<p>^^ Were it only so.</p>

<p>Okay so I’ve been living in the hills too long–what does Main Line mean?</p>

<p>And on different tangent–could someone help me understand why my normally well grounded kid wants an iphone so much (as opposed to an android phone that would do the same stuff at a fraction of the cost). This kid never asks for or seems to care about bling, so it makes me curious about what’s driving that particular desire.</p>

<p>Cmama - the Main Line is a series of suburbs west of Philadelphia: Merion, Narberth, Wynnewood, Ardmore, Haverford, Bryn Mawr, Rosemont, Villanova, Radnor, St. Davids, Wayne, Strafford…to Paoli. Historically, the Main Line was a bastion of blue blood WASPs. It’s more mixed now (more heavily Jewish in the eastern Main Line), but dripping rich from every pore in comparison to 99% of the rest of the country. Whether it’s the private schools like Episcopal Academy, Haverford, Shipley, Agnes Irwin and Baldwin or the well known public schools like Radnor and Lower Merion, the percentage of kids who drive $40,000+ vehicles, dress in designer 24x7, enjoy memberships at a variety of private Clubs, and have NO CLUE about not having enough of everything would stagger you.</p>