could ppl helo to grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>coz it's really hard to find someone familiar with SAT essay scoring here in my cith in China; i can only post it here for help. Thanks in advance:)</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Even though human society has experienced numerous threats and destructions, it continues to move forward for the better when human beings learn from failures and hence avoid repeating the same mistakes. </p>

<p>Many people hold that WW II has been the most disastrous event throughout history, but they ignore the long period of peace and prosperity we have been enjoying after the war, achieved by learning from that important lesson. In addition to the many achievements such as strong economic growth, unprecedented pace of technological advancement, we have learned to settle disputes and conflicts by exchanging values, not by using violence. The establishment of IMF, UN and many other international organizations that aim to solve conflicts between nations and help promoting global development, eliminating poverty and protecting human right all achieve great success. Rather than being pessimistic about the future, we aim at building an international society to replace a world divided by borders; the result – a world of much less conflicts and hatred, but much more cooperation and dialogue. </p>

<p>Not learning from history or others, however, we might lose direction and do harm to the world. The severe pollution problem commonly seen in developing counties is a typical example. The Industrial Revolution, originated from the Western world, had caused serious environmental problems that cost those countries immeasurably. Not learning from them, the developing countries, driven by the thirst for economic growth, are suffering from exactly the same problem. These countries now have to allocate huge amount of resources in dealing with environmental damages, most of which they could have avoided. </p>

<p>The world does not automatically change for the better. Lord of the Flies, an allegorical novel, successfully conveys the message that evil instinct coexists with the good instinct in human nature. In the story, the school boys, represented by Jack, morally degenerate in a world of absolute freedom, and eventually destroy the world of civilization. Bearing in mind the evil nature of human being, we should recognize that our world changes in our wish. As the above two example clearly show, if we do not learn from mistakes, tragedies in history will surely repeat themselves; but if we do, and make amendments, the world will change for the better.</p>

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<p>I’d say a 10/12
Your actual essay is good, just I think you might get bumped down 1-2 points due to the structure. The most expected and thus “safest” organization would be a 5 paragraph essay. </p>

<p>An Introduction
3 Body Paragraphs
Conclusion</p>

<p>Even if you only have 2 body paragraphs instead of three, having an Introduction and Conclusion are important. Even though it might seem better to just run right into the essay, I’d make your introduction a little longer than just your thesis statement. It doesn’t have to be anything meaningful just 2-3 extra sentences of ideological bs that will make the introduction look like an actual paragraph. You might also get into the habit of listing all 3 (or 2 should you choose) points in a sentence following your thesis. This gives the proctor an aid to what the structure of your essay is going to be.</p>

<p>The biggest reason why this is not a 12 though is because you have no conclusion. You need a conclusion. You could have the best points in the world, but you need to sum everything up again in order to gain maximum effectiveness out of your arguments. The intro in effect is just a rephrased introduction.</p>

3

<p>thanks a lot :slight_smile: i see the importance of the structure now</p>