Grade my essay?

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1

<p>Here's an essay I did today, if anyone wants to read and give a score/suggestions (mainly the suggestions) that'd be helpful. I'm aware of the grammar errors, and the third/fourth paragraphs are weak, I know, but I have trouble keeping on time.</p>

<p>PROMPT: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>The many changes that the world is currently undergoing will have a mostly positive effect on the future. Though there are a few negative trends (terrorism, global warming, etc.), I am confident that the world is still moving forward. I believe that the world is changing for the better because of three observations.
Our technology is always improving. It is often said that 90% of the most revolutionary technological breakthroughs have occured in the past 100 years. Judging by the speed at which our personal gadgets (cell phones, computers, GPS systems) become atavistic junk, the rate of improvement will not slow down anytime soon. Technology is not only becoming more advanced, it is also becoming more affordable. Even in poverty stricken countries, nearly everyone has a cell phone nearby for emergencies. Obviously, this illustratres the immediate positive impact of our improving technology.
Governments around the world are also improving. Huge changes in the ways countries are run occur every day. Just in the past few years, China has moved progressively closer to a capitalist economy. When India became a capitalist economy in the late 1900s, the positive impact circumnavigated the globe. As more and more people yearn for democracy, the closer the world will get to being one ruled by the many, not the few. As government types and market systems have their inadequacies ironed out, the magnamious effect will be ubiquitous.
Finally, the world is becoming a better place because people of all types are starting to come together. The world is becoming a global community, largely due to the increase in technology and changes in governing systems, and as this occurs, differences will be set aside. Hopefully, as the many members of the many nations around the world come together, peace will ensue.
As evidenced by improving technology, changing governments, and global togetherness, the world id changing for the better. Our grandchildren will have better lives than did anyone before them</p>

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<p>I think it's pretty good. A few comments--first, I think another, more concrete example would help. Improved medical treatment? Eradication of certain diseases? I don't think availability of cell phones is the most persuasive example of technology improving the world.
Also, if you are going to use big words, make sure you REALLY know what they mean--for example, look up "magnanimous," (which was also misspelled). Finally, have a separate paragraph for your conclusion.</p>

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<p>here are my thoughts:</p>

<p>"The many changes that the world is currently undergoing will have a mostly positive effect on the future." Okay. "Though there are a few negative trends (terrorism, global warming, etc.), I am confident that the world is still moving forward." That's fine, but take out the word "I." In general, don't use the words "I" or "us" in the essay, because this isn't meant to be a personal essay, unless you use personal examples.<br>
"I believe that the world is changing for the better because of three observations." Fine, but very generic.</p>

<p>"Our technology is always improving. It is often said that 90% of the most revolutionary technological breakthroughs have occured in the past 100 years. Judging by the speed at which our personal gadgets (cell phones, computers, GPS systems) become atavistic junk, the rate of improvement will not slow down anytime soon." Okay, but again, take out "our personal gadgets" and replace it with "personal gadgets." Technology is not only becoming more advanced, [but] it is also becoming more affordable. Even in poverty stricken countries, nearly everyone has a cell phone nearby for emergencies. Obviously, this illustratres the immediate positive impact of our improving technology." This argument is weak. First of all, take out the word "obviously" because it isn't obvious at all by what you said that technology has a positive impact. You don't mention many positive impacts of technology! Okay, more people have cell phones. SO WHAT? This is where many people's scores go down. They lose track of their thesis and forget to support their main argument.</p>

<p>"Governments around the world are also improving. Huge changes in the ways countries are run occur every day. Just in the past few years, China has moved progressively closer to a capitalist economy. When India became a capitalist economy in the late 1900s, the positive impact circumnavigated the globe." Here you're being risky. You associate capitalism with progress. Not everyone shares this view. "As more and more people yearn for democracy, the closer the world will get to being one ruled by the many, not the few." So, you need more evidence. You can't just say that governments are becoming, in your perspective, more democratic and capitalist, and therefore they're getting better. "As government types and market systems have their inadequacies ironed out, the magnamious effect will be ubiquitous." Wow. You sound that you're either trying to impress the readers or that you're very desperate.</p>

<p>"Finally, the world is becoming a better place because people of all types are starting to come together. The world is becoming a global community, largely due to the increase in technology and changes in governing systems, and as this occurs, differences will be set aside." Discuss what you mean by a global community. What does that even mean? "Hopefully, as the many members of the many nations around the world come together, peace will ensue." I don't think you have the authority to say this.
"As evidenced by improving technology, changing governments, and global togetherness, the world is changing for the better." (global unity) "Our grandchildren will have better lives than did anyone before them." Take out the our. You need to go into more depth. Give examples of improving technology, examples of changing governments (specific) and specific examples of global unity.</p>

<p>Just because there's global unity doesn't mean that the world is getting better. That's a major drawback to your argument. You need to make some kind of correlation between your points and your thesis, which is that the world is improving.</p>

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<p>I agree with all of everyone's points, even IF DChow has a pretty harsh way of phrasing his criticisms.</p>

<p>I chose my worst essay out of 5 for evaluation, because that's the one that probably includes all my worst habits/tendencies, which I needed pointed out specifically. And any spelling/indentation errors are the result of retyping it into the forum, not products of my actual handwritten copy.</p>

<p>In the future I'll try to use stronger examples and connect to the thesis more.</p>

<p>I got a score of 10 on my actual SAT essay test last year. I'd say that one was roughly on par, and very similar to this essay.</p>

<p>Do you think I should have had a personal example instead of the "world being more unified" thing? (I realized that was a throw away paragraph the moment I wrote it). But what kind of personal example could be used with this prompt?</p>

<p>Thanks for the suggestions</p>

5

<p>^^^I know this isn't a very honest example, but talk about you and a family member (perhaps a grandma). Walking alone outside in the park with no one near. And your grandma is pretty old and fell over by accident and hit her head. Now she's unconscious, and you don't have a car nor a hopsital is near-by. So you pull out your trusty cellphone to help get her out.</p>

<p>Yes I know you shouldn't use this because it just doesn't feel right, but still I think IMO it would work pretty wel.</p>

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<p>Ankur, I definitely would have used an example like that, but I ran out of room with what I wrote already. </p>

<p>I think I'll be sure to use a personal example that will make the reader sympathetic of me in some way (ie. death of one of my family members, etc.) as long as it's relevant.</p>