Could you look at my essay? (please?)

<p>ok, so i'm taking the SAT this december---i was wondering if you could look over this essay i wrote and give it a grade? i'd really appreciate it....just want to know what i need to work on
(btw, i know the conclusion is short, i ran out of time)
thanks!</p>

<p>**Are people more likely to be productive and successful when they ignore the opinions of others?</p>

<p><strong><em>Contrary to popular belief, which associates success with the word "winner" but not "winners," the concept of prosperity is not singular. Our society is like an intricately involved spiderweb; people are indubitably connected to each other in a wide array of links. We are shaped by experiences, and the people we know influence us strongly in ways we can't even comprehend. Hence, any "success" of ours is concomittant with that of others. People are consequently more likely to be productive and successful when they consider the opinions of others.
</em></strong><em>In my AP Biology class, we learned about the scientific race to classify the structure of DNA. Rosalind Franklin took the landmark photo that was the key to the puzzle. However, it was ultimately Watson and Crick who would realize that DNA had a double helix configuration and therefore win the credit. How did Franklin, who did the experiment to obtain the vital data first, lose this "race"? It was not incompetence. Instead, the major difference was that Rosalind preferred to work alone in her lab, whereas Watson and Crick consulted a wide, global team of scientists. They bounced ideas off of leading experts in chemistry, physics, and biology. With each rejected hypothesis, they learned more about DNA's properties and were then able to come up with its structure the fastest. My biology teacher emphasized this cooperative atmosphere, which is a vital aspect of scientific research. In this case, the trite saying "two brains is better than one" applies perfectly, demonstrating the importance of being open-minded with others.
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<strong><em>Cooperation would have also proved efficacious in ancient China. During one of its later dynasties, China shut its doors to the world because it saw itself as superior. Though it was true that the Chinese had advanced technology such as gunpowder that the West did not have, in the end, China's self-isolation later had negative effects. When it reemerged, China found that the rest of the world had surpassed it. By assuming that the opinions of others were trivial, China had caused its own decline, however temporary. If it had been more amenable to adopting other's knowledge, it would not have been so many years behind in industrialization.
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_As the scientific community and the lessons of history have demonstrated, people are more likely to be productive and successful when they ignore the opinions of others.</p>

<p>Intro: Because you don’t bring any concrete examples to the table, your attempt at explication is vague and hard to follow. Think about what an introductory paragraph should do…</p>

<p>Body 1: This is a good supporting paragraph, but you don’t have to mention where the story’s from.</p>

<p>Body 2: This is a fair supporting paragraph. You could have been more specific here. Ancient China? Hmm.</p>

<p>Conclusion: Really?</p>

<p>4/4+ out of 6</p>