Could you please grade my essay?

<p>The e-rater says it's a 6, but I don't think that a machine can grade as well as a human can...</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.It is not that people dislike being part of a community; it is just that they care about their individual freedoms more. People value neighborliness and social interaction—until being part of a group requires them to limit their freedom for the larger good of the group. But a community or group cannot function effectively unless people are willing to set aside their personal interests.
Adapted from Warren Johnson, The Future Is Not What It Used To Be </p>

<p>Assignment: </p>

<p>Does the success of a community—whether it is a class, a team, a family, a nation, or any other group—depend upon people’s willingness to limit their personal interests? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My Response</p>

<p>Throughout the ages, the human civilization was advancing through technological and social progress, both results of the collaborative work of the various communities that made up and still make up human society. These small communities, from school classes to political parties, play a significant role in defining peoples' roles and creating a collective feeling of social conscience. It is important to note though, that their success always depends upon people's willingness to sacrifice their personal interests in favor of the community. The courageous sacrifice of the Spartan soliders in the battle of Thermopylae during the Persian wars, the progress of the United States of America during the years of the revolution as well as the heroic acts of Ghandi, the liberator of India, demonstrate the validity of this statement.
Almost two thousand five hundred years ago, the mighty Persian Empire raged war on the free city states of Greece. The declaration of war brought chaos in Greece. Many regions succumbed to Persian rule, while others waged epic battles to keep the enemy far from their homeland, in cooperation with all the free people of Greece. Sparta made an agreement with Athens, and was fighting against the Persian army near Thermopylae. Leonidas, the brave spartan general, led his brave, bloodthirsty spartans to victory against the great persian army. However, a greek solider named Ephialtes betrayed the Spartans, revealing vital information about their location and strategy to the persian king. Most Spartans fled the battlefield, and Leonidas stood against the gigantic enemy army with just three hundred of his bravest men. These men sacrificed their lives in favor of the fundamental value of liberty. They were part of a greater social group, as members of the Greek community, and chose to sacrifice their most valuable privilege, in order to make their vision of a free Greece come true.
At another continent, many centuries later, the people of the thirteen colonies decided to declare their independence from their British overlords. A huge political, social and military movement that we now aknowledge as the American Revolution, united the colonists and the American people at a common cause. The inhabitants of the Thirteen Colonies formed political councils in which absolute and direct democracy was applied, as everyone was expressing their opinions freely. What is more, the brave American soliders fought many victorious battles against the mighty British Army, thus beating power and discipline with courage and heroism. All these people were fighting against their British masters by limiting their personal interests as parts of a large national group. They finally succeeded in liberating their country, proclaiming it The United States of America.
Last, but not least, in the early 20th century, India was suffering by British colonial oppression. Ghandi, a visionary and a great political and cultural leader, united the Indian people under the common cause of liberation. He understood that he was fighting for the independence of India, sacrificed many of his personal interests and was aware of the consequences of his acts. When he was sent in prison for almost 7 years, he did not feel any regret, but continued fighting against the British. He finally succeedeed in liberating India as an independent nation, after a long and tiring battle.
Thoughout history, communities and groups, the foundations of human society, were progressing through the collective effort of their members. We must follow the example of our ancestors and sacrifice some of our personal interests in favor of a group's progress. Because small limitations such as this are the ones that lead people to progress and improvement.</p>

<p>pls I need feedback
my only means of studying for the SAT is the online course and some people have told me that the e-rater is not reliable at all</p>

<p>This is a four out of six, maybe a nine out of twelve if one of your readers is lazy, which in my experience is sadly likely. Your writing is college-level but your attention to the task isn’t. Also I don’t see a ton of higher-level critical thinking here.</p>

<p>Don’t feel any pressure to share if you don’t want to, but I’m curious…how did the “e-rater” score this? I’m guessing a ten.</p>

<p>Either way, “people” have told you correctly—the e-rater is wildly unreliable. Same goes for all essay scoring software. </p>

<p>8/12 </p>

<p>I am not an English teacher so please know this is only my personal opinion. </p>

<p>Suggestions:
consider moving thesis sentence to end of 1st paragraph and show some swagger! Drop the needless qualifiers in ( )</p>

<p>"(It is important to note though, that their) success always depends upon people’s willingness to sacrifice their personal interests in favor of the community. "</p>

<p>I really enjoy the passion and knowledge you exhibit in the 300 paragraph. Showing a willingness to die for a cause is very powerful example. However, one die for freedom example is probably enough.</p>

<p>I think broader consideration of the prompt could help. What other rights might people give up to make communities work ? Limits on exploiting natural resources or polluting. Limits on loud music at 3 am? Even things like speed limits or traffic lights. Submitting to a drvers test. Submitting to the draft, adherence to the voting rights act, enforcing the emancipation proclamation. There are lots of times when people are bound by governmental action to do things they would rather not do. Anything from stopping at stop signs to freeing slaves. Tell readers WHY we submit to rules.</p>

<p>Really solid conclusion, keep it up!</p>

<p>Last bit of advice, omit needless words when possible.</p>

<p>You are a good writer! Best of luck on the test.</p>

<p>So what matters is the critical thinking stuff and not the usage of elaborate examples?</p>

<p>Btw Im not american but I go to a semi-american school.
The SAT is not my first choice, so even if i achieve a low score, its not going to be the end of the world.</p>

<p>But our english teacher always tells us that we should use three or even four sophisticated examples from history or literature. However every single 12 essay i’ve read does not use elaborate examples, but is concise, uses everyday examples or states the writer’s personal experience…
It just has something special… So what’s that secret for a good essay?</p>

<p>Any help would be appreciated</p>

<p>—There is no one secret for a “good” essay.</p>

<p>—Are you sure the twelves you’re reading are legit? (Remember that anyone can type anything here…especially if he or she is trying to sell you something.) </p>

<p>—Despite what I wrote above, I would agree that concision is preferable to long, drawn-out “examples” that do little more than summarize a book or event. An example cannot really be “sophisticated” as it is a point of factual evidence.</p>

<p>—You tell me: What do YOU think is the “special something”?</p>

<p>Note…I incorrectly guessed that the “e-rater” gave this a ten when in fact it gave a six. Which essay software did you use?</p>

<p>Thank you very much for your response.
From your remarks I can tell that you are quite knowledgeable about the SAT… are you a teacher or something?</p>

<p>That’s my problem, I can’t trace the “special” thing about good essays…
One perfect essay, as most commenters argue on the forum is this one: </p>

<p><a href=“Sample SAT "12" Essays - #2 by 8parks11 - SAT Preparation - College Confidential Forums”>Sample SAT "12" Essays - #2 by 8parks11 - SAT Preparation - College Confidential Forums;

<p>I submitted my own essay at the official SAT online course test, i think it was practice test #1. They use the e-rater.</p>

<p>Also, could you do me a favor and tell me your opinion about this essay as well? (I think it might be worse than the 1st one)</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
We do not take the time to determine right from wrong. Reflecting on the difference between right and wrong is hard work. It is so much easier to follow the crowd, going along with what is popular rather than risking the disapproval of others by voicing an objection of any kind.
Adapted from Stephen J. Carter, Integrity Assignment: </p>

<p>Is it always best to determine one’s own views of right and wrong, or can we benefit from following the crowd? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My Response</p>

<p>It is widely known that the masses shape the social standards of what is right and wrong. The crowd is always influenced by fashion as well as the constantly changing standards of each era, and can thus form a publicly accepted opinion of right and wrong. However, when someone passively follows the crowd without thinking and acting for himself, he gradually turns into an indifferent member of the mass, completely indiferent and apathetic. It is therefore of outmost importance that a person follows what they believe in. The revolutionary thinking of the famous rocket scientist Robbert Goddard as well as the radical actions of the protagonist of George Orwell’s “1984” comfirm the validity of this statement.
Almost one and a half centuries ago, Robbert Goddard, an American physicist with revolutionary ideas was attempting to built the first man made rocket to be launched from earth. His project was a minor one, and nobody thought that his plans would eventually succeed. Although his work in the field was anarchistic, Goddard received very little public support for his research. The press sometimes ridiculed his theories of spaceflight. However, Goddard’s creativity was later aknowledged, as his work led to the development of an entirely new field of studies, rocket engineering, with countless military, scientific and commercial applications, and set the basic principles of space travel. Goddards initial failure did not make him quit his work, and he continuerd to believe in his own principles of right and wrong, without following the social standards and without being influenced by the members of the scientific community that mocked his work.
An other example of a man who followed his own views or right and wrong can be found on the face of the protagonist of George Orwell’s novel “1984”. The protagonist lives in a dystopian world, where the goverment has eyes and ears everywhere and is aware of every single action of each citizen at any given time. The tyranny is epitomized by Big Brother, the divine Party leader who enjoys an intense cult of personality, but who may not even exist. Huge posters on the roads propagate the power of the government, by displaying the words “Big Brother is Watching You”. The governmental propaganda is so strong that every citizen in the country is convinced that two plus two ewuals five. However, the revolutionary protagonist rebels from this state of unfreedom and decides to question the social standards. His views of right and wrong differ from the unreal social standards, and although an entire country is against his ideals, he still has the courage and the mental strength to fight for his beliefs.
All in all, it is always best to shape one’s own views of right and wrong, as it adds a unique sense of individuality to human actions. The bright work of Robbert Goddard as well as the inspirational novel “1984” show us that it is not always correct to comply with the views of the majority. Acting otherwise might be dangerous for the spiritual well being of the individual, because he is consumed by the social standards that reign. This can deprive people of their individual potential and plunge them into passivity, thus promoting massification.</p>

<p>I would give it a 4 of 6. Also Gandhi is spelled wrong.</p>