Could you proofread my appeal letter?

Paying for College
1

<p>I've been accepted to 3 colleges in WA and 1 in Boston. Most of them are giving me a scholarship that can cover about 1/3 of their tuition. My family can't cover the rest, so I decided to write appeal letters to the schools. Feedbacks and corrections are greatly appreciated.</p>

<p>*I already posted this on Yahoo Q&A yesterday, just to get an advice to get a job. I've been living in WA for six years now, and I will legally be an international college student after high school. Of course there are many jobs that doesn't require citizenships or college degrees, but wrapping up my senior year is as hectic as it is. I'm still applying for as many scholarships and grants as possible, though. Should I include this bit in my letter? Any generous advices and comments are welcome.</p>

<p>Dear ________,</p>

<p>My name is ______ ____, and I am writing this letter to appeal for additional financial aid. I would like to begin by thanking you for accepting me as an undergraduate student at -insert school name here-. I also greatly appreciate the Special Recognition Scholarship of $5,000 that has been generously granted to me, but I’m afraid I will be unable to attend unless my financial aid offer is significantly higher.</p>

<p>My family moved to America several years ago, and we settled down with the help of my relatives already living here. My parents divorced before moving to America, and my mother constantly works to keep her children’s needs fulfilled. She is the only person with a job in our family; it is difficult to meet both the family’s basic needs and my financial need for college funds at the same time. As shown in the copy of FAFSA I sent with this letter, her current savings are around 500 dollars with untaxed income of $2,000. She cannot support my financial need even if she wanted to. I plan to work during summer before I enroll into a college, but without additional scholarships or aids, it would still not be enough.</p>

<p>The United States has truly been the land of opportunity to me. I moved from South Korea years ago. While living in America, I got to explore my potentials and demonstrate my abilities to the fullest; it changed my life and helped me grow. The opportunities such as volunteer services and activities outside of school I received or sought out helped me experience what I couldn’t have in Korea, and learn more about this world I am living in. Now I am here, about to finish high school and post-secondary education waiting just before my eyes. I don’t want to forfeit the pursuit of higher knowledge just because I am unable to pay for college.</p>

<p>My goal is to earn a degree in pharmacy so that I can be of service to this society as well as Korea, my home country. I have seen many people around me who have health problems but do not have enough resources to help themselves. I want to provide for those who are sick and in need. In order to do so, I need to learn in a place where I can receive the most professional education in pharmacy.</p>

<p>insert school name here- is the ideal college that I look forward to attend. It is the college that will provide me with the most excellent education regarding pharmacy. I know how important it is to earn a degree for a great career, and when I succeed, I want to give back to everyone who helped me till this day. Thank you for taking your time to read this letter, and I assure you that my main priority in college will be the same as it has been in my high school; education.</p>

2

<p>OP,</p>

<p>First, I don’t think a college that gaped you by 2/3 of COA will be able to close that gap even with the most brilliant appeal letter. However, since you asked for help, here are my thoughts.</p>

<p>You say you want to be “of service to this society as well as to Korea, my home country” while asking for more aid from the colleges. American colleges are more generous to those who are not planning to be of service to another country.</p>

<p>Also, you mostly talk about how you will benefit from attending college, but you do not talk about how college will benefit from you attending it. </p>

<p>There are also some grammatical mistakes in your letter. Once you have final draft of the essay, you might want to ask your school’s writing center help to proofread it. Or maybe a parent from this board will help you. I am not a native speaker myself. One advice I will give you though is not to use contractions (use I am instead I’m).</p>

3

<p>

So you will return to Korea after earning your degree?</p>

<p>Colleges aren’t going to give you 2/3 of the tuition costs on the basis of your letter above. Do you have any idea how finaid works?</p>

4

<p>Thank you for your advice, lerkin.</p>

<p>CTTC,
I won’t be going to Korea, at least not for business.
And no, I don’t know how fin aid works for the most part. Probably the reason why my letter isn’t going to work… I admit I was in a hurry to finish this without enough knowledge.
If you could help me and explain how to make my letter work, that would be great.</p>

5

<p>Your letter isn’t going to work.</p>

6

<p>These school had your financial info and already determined what they’re willing to give you. So it’s time for a workable college plan. Consider 2 years at a CC while earning money for the last 2 years.</p>

7

<p>An appeal works best in two situations.</p>

<ol>
<li>You are pretty close to having the aid you need to attend, and you will commit to attend.</li>
<li>There’s been a drastic change in your circumstances.</li>
</ol>

<p>Now, it never hurts to ask. Definitely go with lerkin’s suggestions for content revision. I would also add to get to your point more quickly. FA is probably flooded with review requests. Long letters won’t work in your favor.</p>

8

<p>thechanter, if you are classified as an international, and not US permanent resident/citizen then you will have difficulty in obtaining more money as you will be cut out of federal/private loans. Usually the school itself offers loans to need-based international students. If you are classified as international you had to fill out the fafsa just for the in-house evaluation by the school, not for federal aid.</p>