Critique my Cornell supplement

Colleges & Universities A-Z Cornell University
1

<p>Please be brutally honest.</p>

<p>So far, I'm thinking I need to structure it into one or two more paragraphs, the three here seem too large - but I don't want to lose anything and can't figure out how to structure it better.. all thoughts on anything appreciated.</p>

<hr>

<h1>1: Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.</h1>

<p>For me, there has always been a tendency to shy away from the hard and linear aspects of learning and to gravitate towards the more abstract sides of both academia and life. My passion with doing and accomplishing things differently started at a very young age. During my childhood, my love for creativity and curiosity was readily apparent - people applauded me for the games I made up, the pictures I drew, and the stories I wrote. Early on, one teacher in particular saw these qualities in me and strongly helped to cultivate them further. I will never forget what Mr. Gordon did in the 2nd grade: he had me stay in during part of recess and read Treasure Island out loud. It was a challenge. </p>

<p>I remember reading it with an ecstatic sort of endurance on my face. I would occasionally ask my teacher what a word meant, or how to pronounce it, and yet I was fully aware that it was the most difficult, yet engaging, story that I had ever read. At that age, I didn't know that I could read something that was meant, for all intents and purposes of my young mind, for adults. Or, that such an enthralling thing could be held within the simple pages of a book. It was a white hot flash of literary and motivational enlightenment for me, and I have seeked to experience that rush of doing something you know is very hard, and then accomplishing it, again and again. I learned very young that all you have to do is merely take a chance and try. Because it's not just the sense of accomplishment you achieve in the end that counts, it's the experience and knowledge that comes along the way. I'm sure you get that a lot. But when experienced personally, it's worth noting. When we finally finished the book, Mr. Gordon gave me a knowing sort of look and a very large smile. From then on, I was a risk taker.</p>

<p>When I think about my interests, I contemplate that reading and writing are fused joys. When I write, I can express myself in a way that math or science has never held for me. I am chiefly a creator and a traveller, not a manipulator. In writing, my creativity, views, and style can shine through in mere words on a page – these words can say, be, or mean anything I want them to. The possibilities are endless. From a farm in Alabama one second to a supernova in Alpha Centauri the next, books can create entire worlds in one Tuesday afternoon. And it is absolutely ambiguous: when I read, my mind explores someone's elses journey. Whether it be the history of ancient Babylon to the space school in Ender's Game, the words on the page tap into the deepest trenches of my mind and dance with the neurons. My interests are in experience and knowing. All books are suitors of both, and my deepest pleasure lays in taking their hand.</p>

2

<p>I don't like the sentence "My passion with doing and accomplishing things..." I'd rewrite that.</p>

<p>The part about Mr. Gordon is awkwardly worded, why did you split the paragraphs in the middle of that subject? I would condense it and put the whole idea in 1 paragraph rather than introduce it in the first and then continue with the idea in the second.</p>

<p>Don't say the word "thing" in an essay, there's always a better word!
I would also avoid saying "you"...keep the focus on yourself...</p>

<p>"these words can say, be, or mean anything I want them to" makes it sound like you are redefining words...I would rephrase...</p>

<p>"someone's elses journey" should read "someone else's journey"</p>

<p>I don't know about structure, because you would have to change some of the content...</p>

<p>Isn't this due today?</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>err...too pompous I'd think. "I remember reading it with an ecstatic sort of endurance on my face." I'd recommend you to write as you'd speak. You'd never say this kind of thing in your normal speech...so why write it? Don't try to appear intelligent by using formal language and/or grandiloquent words...you'll just appear idiotic and fake.</p>

<p>BTW: it's WAY too long. The limit was MAXIMUM 250 words. Right now, yours is 500 words. Cut, cut, CUT.</p>

<p>My suggestion? Two paragraphs. First one about how you initially became interested in reading/writing. Second paragraph about what courses/studies you're doing right now that relate to reading/writing. This way, you have a sense of continuity - the evolution of your interests. Make it simple. The admission officers reading ur app will only feel grateful for the brevity and simpleness.</p>

4

<p>It is way too long, definitely. I'd cut out some of the anecdote; you don't need to describe the experience as much as you have. You need better transitions between paragraphs, as well.</p>

<p>I agree with cncm; don't sound so formal. I know you're not trying to be arrogant, but when you write like that, it comes across as arrogant. Write what you feel and don't try to impress anyone.</p>

5

<p>you want to talk TO the admission officer, not talk AT them. Therefore, write as you would talk in a normal conversation. If someone asked you, "Why did you become interested in reading/writing" how would you respond? Write your essay like that.</p>

6

<p>OK, thanks for the replies. This was my first try at an essay.. I will be busy rewriting it.</p>

<p>It is due today, but there is no way to mail it to them, and could not get it done in time. But I hear they don't mind as long as the Part I form is in.</p>

7

<p>My "Brutally Honest" Comments:</p>

<p>1) First thing's first...literally. Your first sentence rubs me the wrong way. Specifically, I strongly dislike your choice of adjectives. "Hard and linear"? What? </p>

<p>2) Cncm is right. Pompous is definitely what I was thinking. You sound like you were taught to write by a re-incarnated Victorian novelist. This prose is so aloof that you could cut thgrough the pretention with a knife. Just because Cornell is an Ivy League school doesn't mean that the adcom people are all ascot-wearing, tea-sipping aristocrats. In your attempt to sound intelligent through arrogant diction, you lose any personal attachment, creating a sense of awkwardness. The key to sounding intelligent in writing is making it seem effortless and flowing. This essay sounds as if it was forced out with dictionary and thesaurus in hand.</p>

<p>3) This is a sort of continuation of comment number 2. The content of this essay is about your heartfelt love of writing, and the "plot", if you will, consists of the narration of events involving a 2nd-grader reading Treasure Island in class. Yet you write this essay with a dry, detached, and formal tone that neither matches the material nor conveys your own personal emotion about the topic. </p>

<p>4) LENGTH!! Dear God, this thing is long! You didn't just stretch the rules, you threw them out the window. You literally need to cut out every other word just to get within the limit. Actually, that sounds like fun...I'm going to try that..."For, there always a to away the and aspects learning to towards more sides of academia life. My with and things started at very age". Lol, sorry. But yeah, you arent going to cut that many words just by editing. If you do, it will sound sloppy and will not read fluidly. You are going to have to start over to cut this much out. </p>

<p>I could go on and on with this literary criticism bullsh!t, but I'm getting tired. I'm also getting the feeling that you are going to take this the wrong way and just get ****ed at me and think I'm being a jerk. I'm really not. I'm just stating how I really feel, albeit in a manner that is unnecessarily scathing on occasion. </p>

<p>Ok, so a few things. I'll call these "nitpicks":</p>

<p>5) "I'm sure you get that a lot" Nein! Nicht der secondperson! Don't refer to the adcom people as "you". In fact, I really don't think it's acceptable to refer to them at all. But besides any sort of issues with acceptable forms of address, the fact that you are simply saying "I'm sure you get that a lot" undermines your argument. You're second guessing yourself! It's like in a conversation; you say something, and then you're like "Oh, I just said something stupid.." Then, when you say "But when experienced personally, it's worth noting," it's like "No, no, but really!" No need to do this. Be confident. Be unique. Say things that they don't get a lot!</p>

<p>6) "And it is absolutely ambiguous: when I read, my mind explores someone's elses journey." I think it was with a great ability to forsee the future that the ancient romans invented the latin words "non" and "sequiter". What does this mean? Ambigous? Replace it with a synonym..."And it is absolutely vague: when I read, my mind explores someone's elses journey." That makes no sense. Did your thesaurus fail you?</p>

<p>Ok, enough for now. Just a few ideas and my two cents. Good luck, and let us see the finished product!!</p>

<p>Oh, and finally, is the Alpha Centauri supernova from a real book plot? Just wondering, because none of the stars in that system will ever supernova (they are too small), and I would be surprised if any credible science fiction writer would slack off long enough to let such a glaring error through. Unless he didn't mean an actual supernova, but rather an explosion initiated by unnatural factors, such as through the detonation of a nuclear device near the core of one of the stars.....</p>

8

<p>Perro, you write a great analysis. I asked for brutally honest and that's what I got. I appreciate it. I don't know about completely rewriting it (yet), but I will try to make it more personal and emotional and not so.. you're right.. distant.</p>

<p>Will post a revision soon.</p>

9

<p>This is 354 words.. still 100 over the limit. But I hope that's not so bad.</p>

<p>I condensed it and got rid of a lot of repetition. Tell me what you think!</p>

<p>For me, there has always been a tendency to shy away from the linear aspects of learning and to lean towards the more abstract sides of both knowledge and life. As a child, my love for creativity and curiosity was easily seen - people adored me for the games I made up, the pictures I drew, and the stories I wrote. One teacher in particular saw these qualities and helped develop them further. I will never forget what Mr. Gordon did in the 2nd grade: he invited me to stay during recess and read Treasure Island out loud. It was a challenge. I hesitanty agreed.</p>

<p>As I read about parrots and wooden legs, I felt a strong sense of wonder. I had no idea that something called 'pirates' had ever existed, and I was never so captivated in my life. At that age, I also didn't know I could read something that was for, in all intents and purposes of my young mind, adults. I couldn't stop turning the pages; each one had something new. It was a white hot flash of literary and motivational enlightenment for me, and I have seeked to experience that rush of doing something you know is very hard, and then accomplishing it, again and again. From then on, I was a risk taker. Because I learned it's not just the sense of accomplishment achieved in the end that counts, but the things learned on the way. When we finally finished the book, Mr. Gordon gave me a knowing sort of look and a very large smile. </p>

<p>Learning and reading about experiences, stories, and knowledge, became very important for me. Not only learning about, but creating them myself. When I write, I can express myself in a way that math or science has never held. My creativity, views, and style can shine through in mere words on a page. From a farm in Alabama one second to a supernova in Andromeda the next, the possibilities are endless. My deepest pleasure lies in witnessing and creating experience. I later returned to Mr. Gordon in the sixth grade and thanked him.</p>

10

<p>Oh, and I hope Andromeda is more realistic for a supernova. :)</p>

11

<p>Here's part two. Yeah, still over the word limit. But not too much. If they deny me just because of that, oh well. :D</p>

<h1>2: Consider the academic programs in the school/college you indicated. How will you utilize them to further explore your intended major or field of interest, or general academic interests if you're undecided?</h1>

<p>My thirst for an abstract sort of knowing, of my place in the world, and the way everything fits together, is to be put to the test. The opportunity for expansion of a wide horizon is there for me to exploit. I want to study in depth as many subjects as I can, and then see how they relate to each other. I want to work long into the night and then reflect on my progress and think to myself, “I'm beginning to understand this subject, but I still have a long way to go.” In short, I want to leave with more questions than I came in with, and with more answers to seek, but with a clear sense of purpose.</p>

<p>Unlike my high school years, I also wish to experience a core curriculum. I have experienced absolute freedom in learning, and I have seen its qualities and its shortcomings. I want to take a preset list of courses designed by those who know their worth, and then ponder why it is that I do so much work to learn these specific fields. My friend Ian, a sophomore at A&S, summed up the experience nicely: “College is hard.” I know it's hard for a reason, and I am willing to learn. Armed with the knowledge I will receive, I will decide how best to blaze my own trail. The independent major program is currently extremely appealing to me because of this. Cornell, as a community, is also exciting due to the students having very similar attitudes regarding learning - when we get together, I know big accomplishments are waiting to happen.</p>

<p>In the end, when I leave with degree in hand, I will know that the college had developed a deep rooted awareness of both self and world in me, and that I worked very hard for it. With my new knowledge and sense of place, my path to the future will have grown much wider.</p>

12

<p>don't know if this will be too late, but anyways, here are my comments.</p>

<p>For the first essay...it's much better this way! I actually read through the whole essay with relative ease. I don't do grammar/spelling checks, so you'll have to get an adult to double-check it for you. But in terms of quantity, it's great.</p>

<p>Second essay is also good, except for the first two sentences...they really put me off. Same problem: too pompous. My suggestion? Cut both sentences out, and start with: At Cornell, I want to study in depth....<em>the rest is the same</em></p>

<p>Hope this helps. Cheers!</p>

13

<p>The first essay is much better, and it sounds like you actually have some connection to the topic now. </p>

<p>A few things.</p>

<p>1) I didn't mention it before, but now that you have simplified it and taken out some of the generalities, I am worried about one thing: Do you fully address the topic? Is your only "intellectual interest" reading? And did its "evolution" occur entirely through that one "white-hot flash of literary and motivational enlightenment" on that fateful day? These questions are rhetorical in a sense; that is, I just wan to you to make sure that you think you have addressed the topic sufficiently. </p>

<p>2) Don't start sentences with "because." I like to start some with "and," and I get yelled at about it all the time. Same thing with "because." It's just not worth it, because some people really hate this. It's a common pet peeve.</p>

<p>3) This needs restructuring. Your middle paragraph floats out there and denies this piece the transition it needs. My suggestion: Part I: childhood, Gordon, pirates, white-hot flashes of whatever. Part II: good transition, generalization, speak about your interest in more general terms. I'd like to emphasize the transition and generalization parts. When i write, i try to do something that i call "universalization"; that is, i work from the specific and grow outwards into something so general that anyone can connect with it, and which applies to people in general. In this case, I'd like to see you work outward from your experience as a child and show how it relates to your intellectual interests in general. This is important (it's what the essay is about!!), and if you can connect your anecdote to your general theme from the essay it will be much stronger. </p>

<p>4) Beginning! I still dislike the first sentence! I am an engineer (yes, engineers actually can write), "linear" is one of my favorite words, and I am the master of using technical terms in unconventional manners. However, "linear" simply does not fit here! I know what you are trying to say; you're trying to find a noncolloquial version of "by the book" or something like that, right? You mean that you like to go outside the box, break the rules, deviate from the status quo. That's great, and it makes sense thematically, just find a better adjective!</p>

<p>5) End! The last sentence falls flat on its face. As the essay is now, you tell the anecdote, then you expand out and start talking about your love of reading and related topics in general. There is no need to throw in one last sentence where you bring up mr. Gordon. Yes, I know what you are trying to do, and it's almost cliche (needs accents over "e") in this type of writing. It goes like this: you start off with the heartwarming personal reference, then you build out, show where you have grown, move on to bigger things, show the whole picture, build up climactically, and then throw in reference to the personal story. That's real cute. If done effectively, that is. In this case, it sounds like you tacked this last sentence on as an afterthough, or just for **<em>s and giggles. It doesn't work. I actually liked the original couplet of ending sentences, where you allude to books as a metaphorical pimp, whoring out knowledge and experience, whom you visit in order to engage in a metaphorical "threesome" with these entities ("suitors," "deepest pleasure," and "taking their hand" all contain deep currents of sexual undertones :)). Anyhow, uh, yeah....</em>acts uncomfortable...so fix the end of the essay! </p>

<p>That's pretty much it for this one. Like I said, it's a lot better. Just keep working on it, and it'll turn out great!</p>

<p>I'm in a hurry, so I'll try to get to the 2nd essay a bit later. If you can't tell, it takes a while for me to write these things. :) </p>

<p>Oh, and Andromeda works a lot better, since it is a spiral galaxy and thus is likely to contain any number of stars which could possibly go supernova at some point.</p>

14

<p>Thanks very much again for your awesome analysis. I basically revised what I could, but it's not too big of a change for me to feel it's worth posting the whole essay again. I now know what direction I need to take what I have currently. You're right, it is -sort of- inherently flawed in that I focus on one specific detail in my life instead of talking about 'intellectual evolution'. I may change it later, but right now I am hoping that my application as a whole will provide the grand picture and the details they need. Probably a bad idea, because they want me to show that I can address the prompt wholly. But I like what I have so far so much. :(</p>

<p>I am having a hard time finding a different word to use for 'linear'.. a very hard time! I am not sure what other words I could use. Linear pretty gets across what I am trying to explain.. in my point of view, at least. </p>

<p>I may end up rewriting this entire essay but using what I have now for something on the Common App, I don't know yet. Luckily, Cornell extended their deadline until the 10th, so I have some time to decide. What I am worried about most now is its length - it is over the limit of 250 by about 130 words currently. Do you think they will care? I read that as long as it's well written, interesting, and reads easily, they will finish it and not care in the end how long it was (within reason).</p>

<p>I am looking forward to your comments on my second part. What I have posted is my edited first draft, and I know it could use some changes. Thanks a lot again.</p>

15

<p>that essay was horrinble, you should just give up while ur ahead lol, j/k</p>

<p>i'm sure your revised version is much better</p>

16

<p>Here is my revised second part.. I think it's better but still can use much improvement..</p>

<hr>

<h1>2: Consider the academic programs in the school/college you indicated. How will you utilize them to further explore your intended major or field of interest, or general academic interests if you're undecided?</h1>

<p>I want to study in depth as many subjects as I can, and then see how they relate to each other. I want to explore the horizons of knowledge and say “I've been there”, but not everywhere. I want to work long into the night, reflect on my progress, and then think that I am beginning to understand this, but still have a long way to go. In short, I want to leave with more questions than I came in with, and with more answers to seek, but with a clear sense of purpose.</p>

<p>Unlike my high school years, I wish to experience a core curriculum. I have had absolute freedom in learning, and saw its pros and its cons. I want to take a list of courses designed by those who know their worth, and then ponder why it is that I do so. My friend Ian, a sophomore at A&S, summed up the experience: “College is hard.” I know it's hard for a reason, and I am willing to learn. With the knowledge I will work for, I will then decide how best to make my own mark. The independent major program is currently extremely appealing because of this. To study the things that matter most, and then to blaze your own academic trail, is something that is personally important. Cornell, as a community, is also an exciting and vibrant place for me - when likeminded students get together and think, I just know that huge accomplishments are waiting to happen.</p>

<p>In the end, when I leave with degree in hand, I will know that the college had developed a deep rooted awareness of both self and world in me, and that I worked very hard for it. With my new knowledge, skills, and sense of place, my path to beyond will have grown much wider.</p>

17

<p>I'll write a little bit about your second essay now. Not as much, just a few ideas. </p>

<p>Actually, not "just a few ideas." Instead, I'm going to tell you to scrap it and re-think your life.</p>

<p>Sort-of.</p>

<p>I started going through your essay sentence by sentence and writing critiques about your writing style and things you should fix. By about the end of the first paragraph, it hit me. </p>

<p>This essay bothers me. Which is to say, your outlook on education bothers me. Well, I doesn't so much both me as I know it will bother the admissions committee people. If I'm being convoluted, I apologize. But trust me, I'm not being anywhere near as convoluted as you are in this second essay. </p>

<p>The first essay was good in that it was grounded in reality. The second essay is just "out there," floating around God-knows-where. </p>

<p>At this point, I should probably clarify what I am and am not saying. What I'm not saying is that this essay is poorly written. Far from it. Your writing skills are more than adequate. What I am saying is that I don't think this essay is going to work to your advantage. </p>

<p>The problem is that this essay lacks specificity. You don't even mention what college you are applying to, let alone any of the programs in it or how you will use them! Cornell is a university that prides itself on direction, on development. It is on the cutting edge of every field that it is involved in. Cornell wants people who strive to achieve in their fields, who want to discover new things, to push forward toward new progress. In this essay, you don't show this kind of spirit. You say that you want to "take a preset list of courses designed by those who know their worth, and then ponder why it is that I do so much work to learn these specific fields." This sentence pretty much embodies the way that your feelings are conveyed in this essay. You are applying to an internationally renowned university and you don't know what you want to study, or why you should be studying these things???!!! Realize that the kids you are competing against for admission have a love for their fields. They will have been in competitions and contests and other things in these specific fields since the beginning of their academic careers. They LIVE to study these things. And you dont even know what you want to study? </p>

<p>Look, learning for knowledge's sake is a noble cause. Unfortunately, there are not many job openings for "renaissance men." Cornell doesn't want people who are just going to float aimlessly through their school, taking random classes and "trying to figure out what they mean." They want people who are motivated and excited about their fields, who will go out there and discover new things and make a good name for Cornell in the process. </p>

<p>Elite education is competitive, extremely competitive. Cornell is up against some tough competition in holding its own in the academic world. And the adcom people are looking for students who will help Cornell to do this. Cornell has an incredible diversity of colleges and majors, and each student is to fit into a specific program, to work towards the discovery of new things. Which you, according to your essay, do not. The essay topic asks you to talk about specific programs which you will use "within the college you indicated". I guess the second part about being undecided covers you. But it still asks you to discuss specific programs. And you don't!</p>

<p>Like I said, this bothers me.</p>

<p>Think about it.</p>

18

<p>Perro, I definitely see what you're saying. My reply:</p>

<p>I didn't out and out put say what college I am applying to in the essay, because it's indicated elsewhere (in the forms), so I assumed the admissions people would already know. I did mention it in the context of my friend Ian attending A&S (Arts and Sciences), which is the college I am going for. But even so, you are right in saying I lack concrete specifics.</p>

<p>My question to you is.. if so many people apply to college as Undecided (which, I hear, is the majority), then I am not sure what those people write about themselves - sure, they have their certain interests, but still they are 'Undecided' nonetheless.. I have indicated an interest in Cornell's independent major program (which, I know, is not just limited to Cornell, but there you have it), and to 'blaze my own trail' which sort of corresponds to what you're saying about the 'cutting edge'. </p>

<p>Still, you are right in saying that I lack the direction of a biology enthusiast, predestined science major, or math lover. I do love reading and writing, as you of course know by now, so I am thinking that I can discuss Cornell's creative writing courses and the material I will read, and expand on those sorts of things since they more correlate to my interests in the first essay in a stronger way. But still, I have the impression from you that every kid should know what they want to study.. and I think many don't! So I'm a little confused. Not arguing here, but just honestly wondering. I probably am interpreting things in a wrong sense. </p>

<p>Thanks for the insights again, and I hope to see your reply.</p>

19

<p>I just think that your attitude comes across wrong in this essay.</p>

<p>Its not so much that you don't have a specific direction, although that's part of it. Its more that you don't really relate to the topic, and in doing so, you don't show interest in the school and its programs.</p>

<p>I dont think that the majority of kids come to college undecided. I really dont. And even those who dont know for sure what their major will be usually know what field they will be studying in or will have some sort of direction. It really seems that you don't know at all. </p>

<p>You say you love reading and writing, and this has indeed been evident. So pretend to be an english major. Lol, ok, so not quite. But expand on those interests. Go ahead and talk about those creative writing classes. And talk about other opportunities that the college of arts and sciences gives you. Maybe you will want to study literature in england or france? I dont know what all is out there, but i'm sure CAS offers some terrific programs. </p>

<p>Oh, and I'll be happy to look at whatever you come up with in the future. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

20

<p>I have a much better understanding now of what you mean. Thank you.</p>

<p>You are right in saying I am almost -wholly- undecided. I can't see myself in the sciences or mathematics, but I can sort of see myself in a humanities/english position, but only vaguely. That doesn't mean I can't elaborate on my current interests though like you're saying.. revision will be posted sometime soon. I am very glad for your help, you are very good at it!</p>