<p>Alright so I'm famously horrible at beginning essays, and this is an important app. Help me out and judge this?</p>
<p>When the phone rang five seconds ago, while I was writing this essay, I scrambled out of my bed. I carelessly jammed my toe into a doorway, exemplifying my inherent clumsiness and ineptitude towards anything that involves moving my body or simply…anything. After all, I am a natural at tripping over flat surfaces. Somehow this problem is evaded when it comes to running, though. An hour-long trail run through the precarious woods full of fallen sticks and sharp objects is no issue for me. What keeps me from puncturing myself every 5 seconds seems to be something that I have recently discovered, something that can be mentally turned on and off. I call this mechanism focus. It is a selectively helpful ability of mine that continually proves to be my savior. </p>
<p>PS I was told that it could be reasonably casual....</p>
<p>Believe it or not, it’s too wordy. The vocab is great, but get rid of unnecessary adjectives. It makes the beginning much more appealing. Right now it sounds like you are trying to impress them with your vocabulary.</p>
<p>carrotdude: schools expect your app essay to be your own work, period. Not a wise idea to post it on an open forum looking for help. Perhaps you are unaware that AOs visit this forum… they do. Have faith in yourself and if you want a critique, have your English teacher look it over…</p>
<p>Listen to cameo, but +1 to swimmergirl.</p>
<p>I agree with cameo- have an English teacher or parent revise it, AO’s are looking for your own work, let alone they do visit this form. Best of luck. </p>
<p>It would sound more natural if you took Swimmergirl’s advice. One small tip- read it aloud and see how it flows. If it doesn’t roll off the tongue, you may want to revise. The focus on running and how you feel about it is a nice topic. Think about how you might describe running to a respected elder. Good luck! </p>
<p>It’s very wordy – the reader is likely to get lost in all the detail. Also, you’re belittling yourself right off the bat. Even if you’re trying to lead up to a point, the reader is going to remember that you called yourself “clumsy,” “inept,” and “careless.” That’s not the way to make a good impression.</p>