Critique my essay?

This essay is for the Common App prompt 1: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I was wondering if this essay would be appropriate for all the schools I’m applying to (I’m considering going into an undergraduate business program), and I’m not sure if I come off as pretentious in this.

PM me if you’re interested.

I’ll read it!