Critique my SAT essay PLEASE

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<p>I typed this up in just under 25 min. for some practice before the SAT next Saturday. I need some feedback please. How can i improve???</p>

<p>It is correct to claim that the more a person struggles for something, the higher they value that particular thing. This can be seen in many occurrences, but I will focus on one in specific: A father who sells all of his family’s belongings so that they may flee their war-torn country now never takes his new life for granted due to his struggle of attaining it. </p>

<p>Often times we do not care to look deeply into the past of foreign immigrants, when in fact they are usually the ones who know most about work and sacrifice. Take, for example, my next door neighbor, Hakim. He immigrated to America from Afghanistan with his family in the late 80s to escape the desolation and chaos of war. In order to leave Afghanistan at that time, Hakim had to have a considerable amount of money for his family’s exit ticket and for their food and water throughout the risky voyage. He ended up selling every material item his family had owned, including his beloved textbooks which he had used to educate himself and his daughter. Once he and his family arrived in America, they settled in California and he sent his daughter to high school, pushing her to strive for academic excellence and to never take any opportunities for granted. </p>

<p>Hakim’s journey to America was a scary one, as it took place in the midst of enormous political unrest. Subsequently, he now considers himself extremely lucky to be living such a peaceful life. His struggle is one of the past, but it really has not left him. His struggle reminds him every day to value his secure and tranquil surroundings, and to be thankful that his daughter is guaranteed a better future so long as she works for it. </p>

<p>This fitting example of how Hakim’s struggle resulted in his unimaginable value for peace and stability is just one of many instances in which people acknowledge the value of something after they practically go through hell to earn it. It is not so much about what’s waiting on the other side of the mountain as much as it is about the journey.</p>

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<p>Prompt:
“That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value.”
Thomas Paine</p>

<p>Assignment:
Do we value only what we struggle for? Plan your response, and then write an essay to explain your views on this issue. Be sure to support your position with specific points and examples. (You may use personal examples or examples from your reading, observations, or, knowledge of subjects such as history, literature, science.)</p>

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<p>I think you were getting somewhere with your neighbor, but I think the 2 major shortcomings of your essay was this:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You were way too casual.
I also think “I will focus on one in specific” is unnecessary and unprofessional… You could have said, “This can be seen in many occurrences, such as immigration, _<strong><em>, and _</em></strong>__.” (You should get down the basic essay structure, I guess.) Although many people may disagree, I’d also stray away from using “I.”</p></li>
<li><p>You need more examples.
Basing an argument on only one point is extremely weak. You could think of books (there are plenty that involve a struggle!), or history…like you could bring up the American Revolution or something, how the struggle contributes to nationalism and the value of America, etc.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I usually go with 2 lengthy examples but 3 is usually the preferred number.</p>

<p>In return,
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