@currcollmom . I have all the sympathy in the world for you. I have a PA child. At our rainy visit to Penn State, child was not impressed. Instead, stated “Why can’t I go to a school in Seattle?”. I pointed out that it was also rainy and cold in Seattle… We also had the promised grandparental money that is falling through and other family demands that make an application to the University of Washington (a fantastic school) impossible. Despite all the tactics that were recommended above in the thread, sitting down with student, laying out the budget, talking about opportunities at PSU, student is still fixated on the other side of the country. It’s a shame we can’t trade. I hope we can change this attitude before senior year.
OOS students would be thrilled to be able to go to U Washington with instate tuition.
Penn State is not better than UW.
You would be paying OOS COA of around $40,000, minus the $5,500 student loan your D can borrow, plus flights back and forth, spending money, books, possibly extra heath insurance that covers her OOS.
Also my kids worked part time in high school, even asked if they could work to earn some of their own spending money.
They borrow our car, which is on our insurance.
The first year of college we didn’t expect my D to work during the semester, but she worked in the summer and during breaks. Now she has a summer job and a campus job.
Your D is not doing herself any favors by not wanting to work.
If she has no affordable choices, then she might benefit of a gap year, working.
You have other kids to worry about as well.
Penn State for instate is still over $30,000, and she wouldn’t be able to earn enough money to support herself and go to school, without parent help. If parents are supporting her and they live outside of PA, then her state residency will be where her parents live.
Been there, done that.
I agree that applying to a financial reach has its pitfalls but if there is hope for merit, a scholarship or its a school that will meet/exceed need then go for it BUT understand, if the aid doesn’t materialize, then its a no go and the school comes off the table. Following along here on CC for the past year I know this was the strategy of many families. The one thing we as parents have to be very clear on is what we will pay/contribute and our students need to be clear that if the merit/aide doesn’t materialize, then they must move on to their financial safeties. My DH and I were very clear, our DD didn’t hear what we were saying.
DD applied to several financially out of reach but she had good stats and was hoping for merit.
4.85 GPA
IB Course
34 ACT
Unfortunately when the merit didn’t come in as she hoped, the schools were scratched and she didn’t have a single one that was affordable. She was too optimistic about merit, too naive about loans and not well educated about COA.
DD is currently on a gap year since when it came down to the wire, despite what we said, DD did not have a financial safety in her pile of acceptances. We said no - it was hard, it caused great angst but we were not taking on Parent Loans and I refused to co-sign loans that would cripple her financially for years to come.
She had to step back, evaluate her options and understand we were serious when we set her budget and understand it was not negotiable.
She has now been accepted with great merit to a school that is affordable and offers her most of her “wants” in her college experience. Its not her “dream” school but she will get a great education and most importantly, she will walk away debt free. What her scholarships don’t cover DH and I are able to without borrowing a penny.
Say no - don’t let your kid dig themselves a financial hole.
My husband and I started our lives together with crushing student loan debt. I had no concept when I was taking on all of those loans how difficult it would be to pay them off. The large monthly payments meant we sacrificed a lot and I really learned the value of savings and not taking on (anymore!) large debt. Being in the right place at the right time during the housing boom allowed us to sell our tiny starter home for a huge profit and pay it all off. It was pure luck, but was absolutely life changing. I never wanted our own kids to go through that. We are fortunate that we have both had good paying jobs and 529 plans that will allow our kids to be debt free for college. That’s not a judgment on others - I know that many people simply don’t have the luxury of being able to pay bills, save for retirement, and save for kids college. My son’s dream school was a private school that was $70k+ where all financial aid was need-based and we did not qualify. We have always been very open with our kids about money. They know we don’t struggle but we make absolutely sure they understand where we came from, how our own financial decisions got us here, and that their own financial future will depend on the choices they make. We had a frank discussion early on about the cost of the dream school, and how it exceeded how much we could pay. He understood, and started looking elsewhere. Ironically to this discussion, he is going to Penn State. He now says he believes he will be much happier there anyway. It sounds like your daughter hasn’t even visited Penn State. How does she know it is the perfect school for her? There are so many “perfect” schools for kids.
Sorry for all this rambling, the point of my post is that financial decisions are real - and kids should be part of the discussion early on about what is realistic and what is not. It sounds like your daughter needs to take on responsibility for some of her own expenses and there is nothing wrong with saying “this is what we can pay.” Period.
The dedicated college counselor at our D’s private HS was no help when it came to financial realities. The counselor may have assumed we were a low income family, but we are not. We cannot afford our EFC.
We were lucky that I found CC in time, and got some affordable schools on the application list, all with the potential for full tuition or full tuition plus merit scholarships.
Our D added some prestigious schools to her list, apparently with the encouragement of the counselor.
I didn’t veto the applications. I thought the school(s) would do the dirty work and she would not get accepted and/or D would, given some time, come to understand the financial hurdles and be reasonable.
Well, yes, she did get accepted, and no, she did not come to understand the financial hurdles. Five students from her HS were accepted to D’s “dream school”, and she was the only who did not matriculate. For a couple days, I caught the fever and thought of wild financial sacrifices to get her to that college, then I ran the NPC again taking my older D out of college and that number that the calculator spit out with only one kid in college broke the fever. No. way.
She had a full ride offer & a full tuition offer on the table. That’s how it is. A kid who is in the running for acceptance to a prestigious college will also have great offers from “lower tier” schools.
She was angry and very disappointed. She was not happy about her choice of schools and feeling like we were forcing her to take the full ride offer.
I’ve posted about our story many times here, hoping it will help others. Talking to her, explaining, reasoning…it all made it worse. She just needed time to work through it, and let her emotions settle. We had a rough application season, rough acceptance season, and very rough summer before leaving for college. In the fall we had texts and phone calls that she wanted to transfer out. She was distant to us when she was home on breaks.
Then, near the end of her first year, she started to text us some updates that were actually positive. Acceptance in a pre-professional major/program. Basketball season so fun. Got an off campus apartment for the following year. Undergrad fellowship. Got a summer job lined up. It was a 180. Sophomore year is even better, much better!
I think the best things we did, in our situation, was to shut up. We stopped talking about it on and on, stop trying to convince her to understand. We were careful not to be rah-rah about her school. We had her in therapy, and kept it up for a few months via Skye sessions, for part of Fall freshman year.
I can certainly understand your desire to have your D understand your financial limitations and for her to be reasonable. But, you might be her punching bag for awhile. It’s possible to put a little distance on it, be firm, and preserve your relationship. It will likely take time.
It’s not clear to me from your OP if there are affordable options on the table. You could do CC and transfer. You could do a Gap Year (avoiding taking any college classes so as to be a freshman next application cycle) and re-apply as you hunt for merit scholarships.
There is a lot of great advice given in this thread.
I think that it may help if you explain to your daughter that most families cannot afford to send their child to an expensive school.
Your child’s error was in applying to an out-of-state public school which offers little merit aid (scholarships).
The good news is that your financial situation probably qualifies your daughter for substantial grant money (non-loan financial aid) from a private college or university which guarantees to meet the full financial need of all accepted students. In many cases, this means that the student only has to pay for room & board, books & travel.
Daughter (in-state) was accepted into Penn State, and with financial aid, her unmet need is about $14K. It now comes down to whether she is awarded a scholarship that will cover 40% of PS tuition. She was also accepted into Temple, where the unmet need is $15K, but she is eligible to receive tuition remission up to 6 credit hours/semester (I am a Temple Health employee). As of now, her top scenario is with UPitt @ Bradford, with an unmet need of $2k. She has a financial fit meeting with her counselor (mandatory for all seniors at her HS) once all of her decisions come in.
@curcollmom: The great news is that you have come to the right place to find affordable options for your daughter.
There are dozens of college consultants & expert parents who can offer meaningful assistance for free to you & your daughter if you share her standardized test scores, GPA, what she wants to study & any of her extracurricular activities or accomplishments.
This should be exciting news for your daughter.
Are you saying she applied ONLY to Penn State and no where else?
If that is the case, and it is NOT affordable, she was not responsible in her college choices. Don’t be guilted into taking loans.
She needs to find an affordable option…or take a gap year and find an affordable option.
@midwest67 I read your story, I think it gave us that little extra bit of courage it took to say no. We too waffled for a few days, we wanted to make it happen, she had worked so hard yada yada yada then like you, we returned to reality.
DD pouted for days then she went off to her summer job (a girls sleep away camp) and was gone for 2 months. She came home a different person. She was more mature and had sorted herself out. She started the application process all over and this time, she went after the merit, she went after the schools that wanted her and were willing to make it worthwhile. She desperately wants to leave the state of TX - she dreamed of the pacific NW or the East - she ended up in Northern Alabama, its not her ideal geography but it’s not Texas!
She departs in August and in hindsight, this gap year was the best thing we could have done, it worked out the very best for her.
I am so glad your DD is doing well and is settling in and happy - that is what we want for our kids. I am sure your year of angst was dreadful, your get the parent of the year award for holding up under that teenage guilt machine. Congrats and again, so happy to hear your DD is an enthusiastic student.
Thank you for your post. We have lived to tell the tale, right?!
“Then, near the end of her first year, she started to text us some updates that were actually positive. Acceptance in a pre-professional major/program. Basketball season so fun. Got an off campus apartment for the following year. Undergrad fellowship. Got a summer job lined up. It was a 180. Sophomore year is even better, much better!”
@midwest67 There are advantages to being a top student at a good but not prestigious university. Opportunities are more likely to open up when you look for them. I know of several examples of good students doing exceptional things at less selective universities. Congratulation to your D.
@midwest67 Yep!
I will say, we are fortunate, due to the gap year, DD is actually looking forward to going to school. She does feel she settled a bit but as she said to me when we toured her University last fall, “its not a bad settled, its not what I dreamed of but its not a settled for mediocre and I like the student body, it reminds me of my IB group, except its a whole school of smart instead of just a small group”.
I can live with this 
Are you saying parents are punching bags? 
@KLBMOM18 Your teen is never upset or angry? Your teen never exposes your family to their moods? Your teen has never challenged you? Your teen has never subjected you to their displeasure in your decision?
Punching bag is not literal, its about being on the receiving end of a teen having a tantrum and as a parent holding their ground and not giving in.
I think there is a lot of good stuff in this thread. I just want to add two things.
- You said you cannot afford Penn State. Stick to it. She needs to learn no means no. If she doesn't learn that from you she won't be able to insist on it herself later in life, in other situations. This is one of the yuckiest parts of parenting -- standing up to your kids. However, it is one of the most important lessons that they need to see. Hang in there!!
- There is a problem: where to go to school next year, and how to pay for it. She needs to come up with a plan to solve it. Ask her to do that. Give her a cap, as to how much you can contribute and show her collegedata.com or some other site that has the cost of attendance data. If she can come up with a plan to afford Penn State -- scholarships, a summer job, and deferring for a year. But give her something to do --- make a plan.
@SnowflakeDogMom it was a joke. I am a punching bag every morning, night, and sometimes via text and facetime.
I went through this with my DD19 ahead of time. She started giving me her college list and there where all of these OOS schools that gave little or no merit aid and where in the range of 40,000 to 60,000+. I sat her down and had a talk. I simply told her this. You will NOT be taking out loans, your dad (we are divorced) can give you X per semester, i can give you X per semster. You have until X time to figure out colleges that you want to look at in that range. If you don’t do it and don’t apply there is always the local community college that you can go to for the first two years. I was calm cool and collected. Of course she just lost it and said that she would just take out the all the loans herself to which i told her the max you could get as a freshmen without me signing was X and I was not signing. She then went to her room and proceeded to sulk for the next several days. However she knows that I’m serious. I love her to death and I wish that I could give her the world. But after losing my job and taking a lower paying one and being 55 I simply can’t. I have to remember that I am the parent and she is the child. She will NOT thank me for this now but someday (and I always hated this when my mother said this) she will thank me for this. I have turned in to my mother! 
:))
@klbmom18 Oh thank goodness, I thought perhaps the first perfect teen had finally been found 
@Kemmomma I say the same thing, she may not realize the gift now but a debt free education is a gift that she will enjoy for her entire life.
Unlike your DD, mine did not hear us, no matter how we said it, she just had a mental block until the reality of no co-signor finally sunk in.