@curcollmom
I feel your pain. Is she your only child? She acts like one
Like many people here have said, you need to stand your ground and tell her clearly that Penn State is NOT an option.
Ask her if she would like to attend college this year, she needs to stop pouting, crying, running to her room. Ask her to sit down with you and/or your husband and discuss what in-state college options are best for her and for you, hopefully for academically and financially fit.
It’s very difficult to see our child cry/sad/upset. You need to be strong and look at this in a big picture. This is a life lesson for her. It is very unwise if you allowed her to get her way as it would result in both of you being in debts for many years to come.
My friend cried for three days when her parents told her she could not attend her dream college, Wellesley, (she was accepted). Her only choice was her state school. Many years later, she was happy that her parents were very firm then. She has had a good career and has been happily married to her husband whom she met at her state college. There is light at the end of a tunnel your daughter. She needs to hear that life does not end when she cannot attend Penn State.
From post 17–“It’s anecdotes like this that reinforce the need for parents to determine what they will contribute before the applications go out and discuss it with their kids.
. I never limited where my kids applied but being able to consider a school for acceptance meant two things had to happen, they had to be accepted and it had to be affordable based on the parameters we set up. They knew that going in and they knew their financial parameters.”
This. For the life of me I’ve no idea why parents leave a 17 year old to decide on on their own one of the biggest and possibly most expensive decisions of their lives with no parental input from the onset. Especially when the parent is paying for it. It just shouldn’t happen.
We set parameters, laid out guidelines and did research on schools. The research on schools shouldn’t be left solely to a student. As a parent, I think it’s best to bring affordable options to the table and not rely on my kid to navigate this process on their own.
If I understand your post correctly, your D only applied to Penn State and your FAFSA EFC is 27K.
I think you have a few problems here. Assuming Penn made up the difference (which I suspect is not the case) and all they really expect you to contribute is 27k, and that is not an option, you will have similar issues in state, unless you use that GI Bill.
Given that she did not apply anywhere in state, this isn’t an issue, yet. It is too late to apply to UW main campus (and even at a 3.8 not guaranteed admissions), your options would likely be Central, maybe WSU, UW Bothell/Tacoma or Western but for Winter Quarter, it is too late for fall at WWU as you probably already know.
However given what you say, I really think you need to look at whatever option she could commute to, or CC. I’d hate to waste a GI bill on someone who wasn’t “all in”.
Whether or not you “let” her apply to Penn (only) or she did it on her own is immaterial at this point. The bottom line is you can’t pay for it (or any other option that isn’t in state using the GI bill) so it’s not an option and as tough as it is, she will have to get over it and move on.
It sounds like she doesn’t believe the financial situation and figured she could just force the issue which has to be SO frustrating but you can’t beat yourself up over this as it really sounds like you’ve been transparent and she is just being…a teen. All you can really do is hold firm, let her know you love her, that she has amazing options in state (and that her ONLY options are in state with the GI Bill) and thanks to good grades, better options than most.
Guidance counselor is good idea if she/he is on your side! Our GC, with best of intentions and meaning to be supportive, asked why my D stayed instate instead of great, more “prestigious” schools. Maybe she thought we were well off enough to pay for those places. D followed the money. Maybe a call to GC ahead of time could make it clear that he/she shouldn’t encourage your D in desire for unaffordable options. And that you would like them to reinforce the practical problems with debt. GC might have met with your D and based on stats told her to “go for it.”
If she really wants to go OOS and you can pay 27k, there will be the NACAC list, in May, of colleges that miscalculated yield. She can have her common app ready to go since the good colleges that offer financial aid are snapped up.
If for some reason she loves Pennsylvania, she can still apply to Elizabethtown, Lycoming, Lebanon Valley, York perhaps even Juniata or Susquehanna if she emails to ask whether they’re still accepting applications. Run the NPC and she could apply to those within budget that are still accepting applications.
Why Penn State? There has to be a couple universities that share some similarities - is it for a specific major, the environment, something she’s heard?
I’ll be honest, you D’s behavior indicates to me that she is not ready to attend college out of state and needs to go to a CC close to home or take a gap year so she can mature. We took schools off of DS & DD lists that after running the NPC and factoring in the chances for merit were over our allowed limit. I say allowed because we could have paid the additional amount but felt it was not worth the additional cost. Both kids knew financially we could afford the schools, but accepted the limits we imposed. Neither kid argued with us and in fact, both came up with reasons that the school probably wasn’t a great fit for them. One it was “I don’t want to have to take two religion classes” and the other “It would have been too competitive of an environment for me.” These are coping skills every young adult needs to learn. You can’t always have what you want and sometimes you are going to be disappointed in life. Even if you magically found the money to send her to the college, she would face adversity there also and from what you have indicated she does not have the coping mechanism to deal with that. This is not a shot at your parenting skills as all kids mature differently and at different rates. One of D’s best friend is taking a Gap year because she is just not ready to leave home.
Lots of kids have trouble with financial limitations. It doesn’t have to be indicative of a lack of maturity or readiness for college.
Now, imagine you go to a HS school with a bunch of peers from affluent families and your parents are…not.
Your peers own horses. Go on vacation every single school break, have their parent’s credit card to get their hair highlighted and to shop for make-up and clothes. The thing you’ve got? Excellent grades and test scores. Discipline to hit the books.
To you, your peers get to pick wherever they go to college, and you, even with college, are still looking for a deal at the Thrift Store.
My D’s attitude was very disappointing to us. But, really, I tried to see it the way she saw it, even if I disagreed, and even if I thought, “That’s just life!”
I know she got a rare sweet deal. I’m not going to force her to agree.
I’m just relieved she hasn’t blown it and is doing well.
@Midwest67 That may have been the case for your DD. There is a big difference in being disappointed, upset, and taking time to cry it out and the description of the OP’s daughter’s overall behavior. OP describes her daughter as not even being willing to talk about the situation (It read to me as more than one attempt to discuss this with her) and gives other examples of her lack of maturity. My understanding is that she did not even apply to other schools and she refuses to consider the financial impact on the other members of her family. She is not willing to get a job to contribute either. If OP’s DD is sent to college and does not have the maturity for it, there can be serious consequences. A failed semester could alter her ability to complete college due to the loss of scholarship money or if the grades are low she may be unable to transfer somewhere else. FWIW, the school my DS had his eye on is attended by a teammate who graduated a year before him - and he is full pay with no merit. There is always someone who has it better than you.
While not exactly the OP’s situation, I want to mention that in my opinion there are perils of merit scholarships. For a student who’s not quite ready for college, I see the added pressure of scholarship requirements as a potential setup for failure.
Based on what the OP posted, the daughter sounds like she has some growing up to do. My guess is that this behavior is not new. Even if money was no object… I am not so sure I would be comfortable sending this student across the country.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I think the best way for teens to learn not to expect to have everything handed to them is to start working for what they want. Crying and running to her room because you won’t borrow over $100,000 for her is ridiculous. Tell her Penn State is not affordable and quit discussing it. Entertaining any questions – how she’d pay, what transportation can she use – just detracts her from the message. You can’t afford it.
If Penn State is truly the only school she applied to I’d tell here you made a mistake and you can’t afford out of state schools. If she qualifies for merit, she can apply to schools that offer merit for her stats this fall. If you need to pay with a GI Bill she can apply to schools that participate in the program this fall too. Either way, it would mean she has a year to work and raise money to help pay for school. If she refuses to get a job, you have deeper issues than school affordability. If that’s the case, starting at a community college might give her time to mature.
Exactly @twogirls Maybe people think I am insensitive to dealing with “wealthy” peers, however, that is not the case. I grew up lower middle class with affluent peers. My answer was to start working when I wanted what they had. I scrubbed toilets at age 14 and babysat to earn money. I worked to earn money for a car and put myself through college with loans and some help from my family who had finally moved up to the middle class about the time I graduated. I had no college fund and I went to a directional U even though I was 2nd in my class. So I completely understand the desire to have what others have and the disappointment of not having the choice that others had. Was I always a joy to be around - No Way (and neither are my kids)! But I owned what I wanted for myself and worked with my parents to make that a possibility.
@madgemini4 Very good point - we found merit based scholarships to vary widely in their conditions. Always read the fine print. We walked away from a 100% full ride due to the higher than comfortable GPA requirement to maintain.
When My DD backed us into a corner, I struggled with her brat like behavior. I came to understand that while her behavior was not the best and she was choosing to not hear us, I also think she set herself up. By only choosing schools that were out of reach, she didn’t have to face making a decision about where to go and then actually going. DD is my anxious child and doesn’t like change.
Us saying no, IMO was a bit of a relief to her. Now, here we are almost exactly a year later - a year of maturity, working and visiting with a therapist and she is ready and eager to depart. I am so much more comfortable with the place we are now than where we were just a year ago.
DD’s not a spoiled brat, she’s a scared teenager with anxiety issues who just needed a bit of extra help and indulgence to get to where we are today.
@SnowflakeDogMom Anxiety can really manifest itself in strange ways. I’m glad you were able to realize that your D just needed time and help to get to a place where she is able to go to college. I think a gap year is a great idea for students who are really not ready to go to college. If more kids attended a CC or took a gap year to mature, there would be higher graduation and retention rates. There is nothing “wrong” about needing to mature or process through an issue like anxiety. Kids do this in their own ways and in their own time. I remember obsessing because one of my kids was “behind” on potty training. And my doctor said when was the last time someone asked you what age you were potty trained at! Same goes for college - what difference does a gap year for maturity make if in the end your kid successfully graduates from college. It would be much worse to send someone to college before they were ready and have that failure to overcome.
I’m confused. Is Penn State the only college she applied to? In this day and age, I find it improbable that any parent would allow a child to only apply to one school.
@blossom–Forget the parent? The one with the kid and the purse strings? Are you kidding? Why in the world should a guidance counselor be in charge of where your kid goes?
@blossom–Forget the parent? The one with the kid and the purse strings? Are you kidding? Why in the world should a guidance counselor be in charge of where your kid goes?
.
I’m taking an alternate stab at this…OP’s kid is a good kid who hasn’t had any guidance or input from parents in applying for college (which we see a lot on this forum) Left to her own devices she applied to Penn State and got in. In her world she did exactly what she was asked to do. Now, parents are saying no and she’s upset–as she should be. Here she sits after the fact with nowhere to go.
But,
She still can’t go due to financial considerations (can’t fight facts) meaning this whole scenario needs a total reboot with some real frank talk.
