<p>We are at our wit's end. This weekend our d argued ferociously that we are being unreasonable in asking her to fill out applications for scholarship/grant money. She has been accepted at Penn St. U., UMD-college Park, NC State, as well as several others. We sat her down in Sept. And laid our budget on the table for her. We are offering each of our3 teenagers $100,000 toward a 4-year education, and beyond that they will have to borrow or get merit aid. she argues that she has done her job, got good grades, got acceptances, etc. And won't apply for any local scholarships, NOTHING!...and is furious that we expect her to do it.<br>
She was so obnoxious and
the argument became so heated that my husband suggested maybe we should not be paying for any college until she shows more respect /maturity. She claims that the money from any scholarships is just for us(like as if we'll pocket it or something) but I wrote down for her that it will only help her reduce amount of her loans. we are at a real standoff.</p>
<p>has anyone gone thru this? Now she's telling us she needs to know now what we plan to contribute, and if we don't plan to change our mind she would like to make plans to move out.</p>
<p>Asked and answered as they say in court. You told her you’d contribute 100K.</p>
<p>Now that there are some acceptances on the table, she gets to be a grownup and figure out how to make her acceptances work given that she has 100K to work with. Give her a week to noodle around the spreadsheets and realize that she’s short of funds. Then she can find a loan calculator and figure out what her repayment plan will be.</p>
<p>And let everything cool off. Where’s she going anyway that all of a sudden she’s moving out? sounds to me like there’s more going on with her than just applying to a bunch of scholarships…</p>
<p>If I were you, I’d stick to my guns. $100,000 is a very nice offer. Part of her “job” is to do well in high school, but to also work toward paying for it. My D is working her butt off right now applying to every scholarship that she can. She fully expects to work on campus and do everything she can to go to her dream college. It is not unreasonable for you to ask the same of your child.</p>
<p>Does she really understand that there is a gap in her budget that she is responsible for filling? I would print out the typical expenses budget listed on each college website, and highlight the shortfall.
I think you are very generous parents to provide her with 100K in planned support. That might sound like so much money to her that she doesn’t get the urgency of applying for scholarships now.
Also, many local scholarships are for the first year only, so she needs to understand that even with 10K in local scholarships the first year, she will need more of your 100K over the following three years.</p>
<p>The question at hand is if you actually plan to contribute $100K. That’s what she has to work with. Yes, she did her job with good grades and acceptances, but it is also her job to work with a budget as it’s presented.</p>
<p>And the bottom line will be what are the consequences she is willing to risk.</p>
<p>100K wouldn’t get my son thru 2 years at the current rate of tuition, but it would be more than enough to cover our daughter. Our agreement was to pay for four years of wherever they got in. HOWEVER, they have to pay anything over that. Our son has learned a valuable lesson this year by not working as much as he could during the summer so as not to incur financial hardship during the school year. His risk wasn’t tuition, but it did risk his lifestyle.</p>
<p>So… here’s the deal… how far is the 100K going to take her? And would it require her having a loan debt that would be impossible for her to pay off given her area of interest? Can someone even get that amount of loans and not be denied due to credit risk. These days even loans arent assured.</p>
<p>Again, our S will probably have plenty of debt if he decides to go to Med School, but our daughter, who hopes to be an elementary teacher, should be (and is) avoiding racking up any amt of debt because as a teacher she would never cover it (and still afford to eat, let alone live).</p>
<p>And if she’s threatening you with moving out? I’d lend her a suitcase. Believe me, some lessons are best learned young when the ramifications are shorter term.</p>
<p>Yeah, we went through some attitude that was about the same. You need to say that acceptance is only half the battle, the other is the finance. Everybody can get into full pay schools–lots of places would like your money. It is not fair for her to say just because my parents will sacrifice $100K doesn’t mean I don’t have a reciprocal obligation to them to do my part as well. How many more years will you have to work before retirement because you are paying for her and the sibs college? Do she think that you merely exist to support her?</p>
<p>Toughen up and push back. Reminder her that all you are required to provide is shelter, food, and get her to HS so that she isn’t truant. A couple days without her car, cellphone, laptop–all of which I imagine you pay for–will take the edge of the 'tude.</p>
<p>Yeah, it sounds like you did the appropriate thing: You gave her an upfront, realistic, and frankly generous number to work with. You explained that beyond that they would have to foot the bill. She applied to a range of colleges that shouldn’t break the bank, though she may have to take out some loans/contribute some. </p>
<p>I think it’s ridiculous for her to say that she got good grades so now you owe her something. The grades were not a payment to you, they were a part of her education, which is frankly for her and her future. You could have chosen to not care about what grades she got (plenty of parents unfortunately do not), but because you cared about her future, you encouraged and maybe required her to work hard and get good grades. College is the same. It’s not something you owe her and it’s not something she owes you, it’s something she is fortunate enough to get to do for her future. And you are being NICE by agreeing to contribute towards her future so that she can have a good professional job and a life and lifestyle that she will enjoy later on (and frankly so that she can go to college and enjoy that experience, along with her peers). </p>
<p>This sounds like she is testing you to see if you are going to fold, so my advice would be to hold firm. Also, please, she’s going to move out? That sounds very much like when little children say they’re going to run away because their parents make them do something they don’t want to do. If she’s going to act like a child, treat her like a child. Tell her to remember to pack a toothbrush and drop you a postcard when she gets settled. If she’s gone more than three hours (or leaves the house at all) I would be shocked.</p>
<p>Much wise advice from others so far. I only want to add that I have seen parents go overboard pressing students to spend too many hours on local scholarships that offer very small amounts, or big-ticket scholarships with such fierce national competition the student feels, in both situations, that the hours are being used up for no likelihood of meaningful financial award.</p>
<p>I have also seen students be rudely insensitive to their need to show some effort and interest in the financial side of things, whether it results in a significant additional scholarship or simply the pride of saying, “I won a $500 computer designing a logo for a local company” or $250 from the local historical society essay…because it all helps.</p>
<p>Many helpful words. Smithy and proud, I think you really hit the nail on the head. We make good salaries and in most parts of the country might be living high off the hog. However with 3 kids it would not be realistic or honest of us to say we will pay for whatever school our kids can get into (as that would easily total $700k by the time all is said and done.) nothing wrong with “skin in the game.”. the schools she is seriously considering run between $26 - 41 k a year, including those named in my first post.</p>
<p>I think the best advice might be the week cooling off period.</p>
<p>We realize she prob won’t get much money from filling out a half dozen apps, but recent local history tells us as a great student with academic awards under her belt, the local organization is very likely to give her money. And she hasn’t spent 5 min. Looking at the information that’s already been provided to her.</p>
<p>If she is not responsible enough to apply for the loans, she may not be responsible enough to pay them back or maintain a required GPA. I’d look to limit her college choices to 25k/yr for 4 years. You can easliy do that not not filling out her FAFSA and the like.
Her choice would then be…Don’t do your part and we won’t do ours beyond the promised 100k for college. </p>
<p>However, I agree with the other posters that something else is going on…</p>
<p>Yes something else is going on here…a dramatic daughter (with a couple of very wealthy friends) who is in need of a giant reality check. Maybe getting some cold feet, too ,about heading 6-10 hours away to live in the fall away from friends and bf. maybe even leaving supportive parents and adoring younger sibs behind.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>the application process can be exhausting. I know my DD was pretty burnt out after it, and finishing the NMF essay took some nagging. We pointed out the potential return, and she did it. </p></li>
<li><p>Other than NMF and questbridge, are there really many generous 3rd party scholarships? My impression is most merit aid is given by colleges. Are these colleges asking for more essays etc to get merit aid?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>One problem we ran into–a lot of the local scholarships, even the school ones, had a financial need requirement. Being in the doughnut hole of financial status is not a pretty place to be.</p>
<p>We told our kids that whatever money they got from their scholarships was money that they could keep in their account. (If the money was sent directly to the college, we put that amount of money into their checking account.) </p>
<p>One thing that brought the whole process home to them…if they spent one hour filling out an application and they got a “measly” $200 scholarship, well–they were paid $200 an hour–beats working at McDonalds!</p>
<p>I agree with whoever said that for most of the big outside scholarships, the chances of winning is extremely small, and for the small scholarships, the amount of work needed to get a very small amount of money is also very small. In other words, the expected return on the time investment is very small. On the other hand, applying for scholarships that the schools themselves offer is often a very worthwhile time investment. </p>
<p>My suggestion is to go through each scholarship, look at the amount of time it would take to complete the application, and look at the expected amount returned to see if it’s worth the effort.</p>
<p>For example if she has a 1 in 10 chance for a $10,000 scholarship, the expected return is $1000. If she has a 1 in 10,000 chance for that scholarship, then the expected return is $1. Clearly it’s worth doing a good job when the expected return is $1000, but it’s also clear that it’s not worth spending a lot of time when the expected return is $1. </p>
<p>For some of the scholarships out there, it is actually more productive to scour the recycling bins for cans that you can return for nickel deposits, and after you have an entire $1, buy a lottery ticket. Your expected return on that time investment might actually be higher than that of filling out the scholarship application, LOL!</p>
<p>My college junior daughter was not great at the scholarship applications although she had high stats. I have to say none of the little ones came through anyway although she has two at her college (one for being National Merit finalist). She is great at saving money on books, food (cooks often) and even thrift store shops for the first time in her life. She also decided to get a sales job and to my surprise really hustles for commissions. She just got promoted. I did not understand during her senior High School year how differently she see things and that there are many ways for her to succeed. From my vantage point now, I wish I had gone easier on her about the one time scholarships with low odds anyway. Good Luck senior year is tricky!</p>
<p>My kids were pretty burnt out after the college application season. Years later, the oldest said that, now that she understands the value of money, she wishes that she would have made more of an effort to apply for scholarships when she was in high school. </p>
<p>If $100,000 is really the total amount that you have to spend for college, considering the younger ones coming up, then you should say so and start making plans with your D on how to bridge the gap of what you have, what she can borrow, what she can make at a summer job. That’s not being mean–that’s being adult.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, threatening to move out because you don’t get your way is NOT an adult response. I used to threaten my parents with the same thing, but I was 8 years old.</p>
<p>You know your daughter better than any of us. Is this a new attitude or an attitude that she’s had for a while?</p>
<p>The son of a relative of mine has a similar attitude. He was awarded a merit scholarship at the LAC he is currently attending. His feels the merit scholarship is “his” contribution to his college costs. Thus,he doesn’t feel that he should have to work during the summers to earn money towards his books and personal expenses. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why she goes along with his entitlement attitude. He’s 21 years old and has never worked!</p>
<p>Totally agree on the running away/moving out-- acting like an 8 yr old. By the way, considering the range of her schools, her loans will cost her anywhere from about $60 to $600 per month after graduation depending on her final choice. we’ve used the online calculators and done the math.</p>
<p>I think college will simply NOT be a topic of conversation around here for about a week.</p>
<p>Sounds like she’s limiting herself to schools that cost ~$27k per year.</p>
<p>Time time time time . . she’s obviously way stressed about college and it sounds like you folks are, too.</p>
<p>I take it you haven’t had a discussion with her about what loans she pay get, but I’d protect her from her self by reminding (telling?) her that the loans she may be able to get would be resticted to federal loans, that’s about $4-5k per year, and that you are not planning to co-sign ANY private loans for her.</p>
<p>Then go through the list of schools yourself and see which ones are affordable at $25k-$28k peer year, label those “financial aid safety schools” and tell her that the other schools look like they’re out of reach financially. Then wait wait wait wait.</p>
<p>She will come around . . . on her own schedule . . after she lets this info sink in.</p>
<p>My kid was accepted at 6 schools, 3 fo which were unaffrodable, so kid picked from the ones that were affordable . . . which is why we all LOVE THY SAFETIES.</p>
<p>Bluntly, this will all sort itself out and if she wants to limit her schools that way that’s her call. The schools on her list all look fine,. so don’t worry if some drop off as unaffordable . . . somehow she needs to get down to just one by April.</p>