@gouf78, No, OP’s kid didn’t do as she was asked. OP allowed her to apply to Penn State but also told her to apply to state schools. The daughter said no. The daughter wants to drive dad’s car. OP said get a job to help pay for repairs and insurance. The daughter said no. OP said they can’t afford Penn State. The daughter said take out loans. When OP said no, the daughter cried and ran to her room.
If anyone should be upset, it’s OP. If it were my kid, I’d have put my foot down a long time ago. Residential college wouldn’t even be on the table right now.
At my kids HS, no matter what your financial circumstances, not matter how fantastic your scores and profiles, and no matter how many awards you’d won- the GC’s insisted on a public instate option. The flagship- more affordable than many of the privates although not cheap. One of the directionals- possible to commute (by public transportation) and live at home if a kid needed that option. One of the satellite branches of the state U system- not everyone’s cup of tea but cheap to apply and you pretty much get an answer on quick turnaround. There’s even an open enrollment U with good articulation for a more academic environment after two years of solid performance.
So I’m surprised that a guidance counselor would allow one application only… and to a state school 3/4 way across the country, which is expensive for both instate and out of state students. It just makes no sense to me.
OP- hang tight. You can’t afford Penn State, and no amount of whining is going to change that fact. Nobody likes to disappoint their kid but this is not the “we can’t afford a Coach handbag for Xmas but how about a wallet?” kind of thing. You are talking about ruinous and life altering “we can’t afford it”.
I Think You will just have to accept that you can’t do it and that she’s going to be angry. Things will suck for awhile but she’s just got to grow up and it’s unfortunate she decided to take the harder path. She needs a gap year, a job, some financial responsibilities and to apply again next year for those “almost free” options.
Don’t feel guilty. Most people, myself included, don’t have big fat college funds for each of our kids. Life is expensive even when you work hard and live simply. You got her to adulthood and honestly, paying for college is a nicety… not a requirement!
BTW if your spouse had to take a pay cut or is thinking it’s time for him to get back to college, he should use the GI Bill to get a degree that will help his ability to find a good, stable job that pays well, and hence enhance the entire family’s life. Or if truly wants to sacrifice it, he should divide it up equally among all kids (I believe you can).
Assuming that you told her before applying that PSU is too expensive and that she can only go if she gets sufficient scholarships (unlikely because PSU does not have much in scholarships), then all you have to do is say “no”. It is not like you promised her anything but are now backing out.
If she applied nowhere else, then her options are:
Start college at a community college on a path to transfer (probably to a Washington public).
Apply to four year schools with late deadlines that are affordable (any Washington publics meet that criteria?).
Gap year, probably working to earn money to help pay for college (may teach her that big loans are not to be taken lightly), applying to more affordable colleges the next time around.
Also, out-of-state billed costs for PSU are more like $45k, not $27k (then add a few thousand for travel and misc. costs). PSU has poor financial aid for Pennsylvania students to begin with; do not expect anything for out-of-state students.
I won’t address the OP’s main issue since she has already gotten quite a few opinions on that. However, I did want to comment on the following:
@blossom - Unfortunately, not all GC’s are as proactive as yours. My DS goes to a private parochial school and has interactions with his GC ONLY when he was proactive to seek her out. They do hold junior and senior parent meetings (as groups) multiple times through the last two years of school, but individual attention is based on the student making the first move. I have been slightly disappointed in their knowledge of the application process to the more elite schools like the Ivies since the vast majority of students go to in-state schools. You are blessed if your GC’s are that involved with your kids.
@curcollmom and @MYOS1634 - it is important to remember that the GI Bill (assuming you are both referring to the post-9/11 Bill and not the Montgomery GI Bill which can’t be transferred) - yes, you can transfer benefits to one or multiple dependents (spouse and children) but it has to be done before the soldier leaves active duty service. If the OP’s husband has already gotten out of the military it’s too late to transfer the benefits. Besides, even if he had transferred to his kids, it’s only good for 36 months total (at most - depends on how long the husband served) so if it was split among kids it wouldn’t be enough for a full undergrad education for one of them. So OP would be back to square 1 eventually. But yes, Penn State (and almost all accredited colleges/universities in the US) do participate in the GI Bill program. (My son is attending this fall on the GI Bill - just don’t know what school yet.)
I guess I am a rotten parent – I have 5 kids and you just say no. We told one of ours to find a more reasonable affordable alternative or start applying for community college until you figure it out. The problem solved itself pretty quickly
“There are advantages to being a top student at a good but not prestigious university. Opportunities are more likely to open up when you look for them. I know of several examples of good students doing exceptional things at less selective universities. Congratulation to your D.”
The only “rotten” parents in this type of situation are those who promise to pay up front and then back out after it is too late to change the application list, or who spend too much on the first kid, leaving the younger kids(s) with much more limited college budgets than the first kid. (Excluding unforeseen financial setbacks, of course.)
It does not look like either of these applies to the OP.
@toomanyteens No is a word that more teens need to hear more often! Life is full of no’s and it’s best to learn how to deal with that under your parent’s guidance.
@austinmshauri we have 5 kids and you are right it is no easy task – we say no all the time. We say our peace, set our expectation and walk away. They want money, get a job, they want to go away to school, find one that’s within our financial parameters – did they fuss and whine? Sure and some more than others but we set down the gauntlet and stopped discussing. They all came around to a solution - and yeah at least one of them backed herself into only a couple choices (she didn’t listen about ACTs, merit deadlines etc) and I am pretty sure she thought as OP D did that if she just backed US into a corner we’d cave – once we made it clear WE had no dog in the hunt (ie we were cool with community college which with her stats was FREE) she made some concessions fast. I am pretty sure the younger ones benefitted from watching that play out.
We had saved for years but the cost of college increased faster than we could save. So our plan of having four years of private college saved didn’t happen. When my oldest was a sophomore we started with the money discussion. We told him he could apply anywhere but: 1) he had to have some low cost options (he had two) and 2) the last cut is money. And even though we said that for 2-3 years he struggled with it for a day when it came time to make a decision. Fortunately, he got it and is now happy at the least expensive school to which he applied!
@sahmkc I definitely agree with you – after 5 teenagers we have gotten good at it LOL!! My youngest is going to get the oil changed on her $1000 car (we did buy it – afterall its easier for us lol) on her dime. It is learning about life – it isn’t aboukt the $49.99 you know?
OP has gotten some great suggestions. I want to add that it might pay for her D to see a therapist, even if its just for a couple of times. This time in a kids life can be incredibly stressful and difficult. It can bring up all kinds of anxieties. Often the kids can’t or won’t be able to discuss this openly with family given all the expectations and complicated relationships. An outside, non judgmental ear might be really useful here. I know therapy is expensive, but it doesn’t have to be a long, ongoing thing. Just a few times can work wonders.
@curcollmom On another discussion board people are saying that Arizona State University’s deadline is May 1 and they have a lot of money to still give away. Maybe worth a shot!
I told my D upfront that she can only apply to schools that meet the need. Our in-state flagship does and it is great great school. So she had to cross out all the OOS public from her list as none of the public schools at the caliber of our in-state public may offer significant merit scholarship to her. OOS public is only feasible at lower tier schools that she may get full tuition or even full ride. At the end, she applied to the in-state public flagship EA and several OOS private schools RD that meet need. When a school is not affordable, there is little room for discussion.