<p>I too told my S about this thread and mention about the drug. He told me that it is called the 'study drug' as well at his school. His college is very intense and he mentioned that some kids used it to write term papers in half the time it would normally take. I doubt if he has used it, but I am glad I mentionedit so that he is aware that I know what is happening out there in college world. If he every has the chance to take it or not, I hope he will remember our conversation and revert back thinking 'will my mom find out?'</p>
<p>BayAreaDad - My condolences for these last hard days. I'd like to second that post that you not necessarily rule out sending your daughter off to college in the Fall. Living at home can be isolating, especially for kids used to being surrounded by friends and activities at school. Last thing you would want would be for your daughter to feel like there is no hope for the future while she is stuck at home working at Wendy's and commuting to community college... Sounds like the road down to situational depression. If your DD is cleared for substance abuse and is mentally healthy per counselor (and per your instincts, and if she so desires it), let her forge ahead with her college plans.</p>
<p>Bay Area Dad,</p>
<p>I've been following your daughter's journey since you first posted it. I admit the cynic in me expected initially to see the "blame game": the school's, the teacher's, the administrators, her friends' "faults' all listed in order to deflect ownership from your daughter and/or yourself.</p>
<p>As everyone knows, this has not in ANY way been the case. Your ability to juggle truth, love, compassion, honesty, humor and consequences is remarkable. I imagine the moment you and BayAreaDaughter walked out of the school, everyone there breathed a sigh of relief that she would be ok. Thank you for sharing this painful journey with those us who are dealing with one of the many facets of this story--whether it be experimenting with drugs, dealing with school discipline, or anything else. </p>
<p>Your daughter is lucky to have you, and I have no doubt everyone will be ok. Best of luck to you all.</p>
<p>BADad, I may be the minority opinion but I say anger is not counterproductive here. The upside of anger is the only approach that will ultimately preserve your sanity. </p>
<p>[I'm assuming that your daughter is not lying to you, not a chronic substance abuser. If that isn't the case, then read no further.]</p>
<p>But if your daughter is a normal, bright kid who experimented with fire and got burned, then you and she have a right to be angry. The school that was let you down! The real question is what you do with the anger. </p>
<p>Obviously you can't use it to go after the school; they have a Kevlar protection shield. Use it to go forward to a productive and energetic future. Most of all don't get sidetrackled by guilt. If mistakes were made it was attending a school with zero tolerance for adolescent misstep. How realistic is that?</p>
<p>Don't obsess over what might have been; focus on what can be.</p>
<p>BayAreaDad, I'm pretty late to the thread, but wanted to add both my sympathy and support. You're doing a great job handling this and so clearly recognize the difference between supporting and enabling, which is so terribly difficult as a parent. It sounds like you've built a great foundation with your D and have a strong family. All of those years spent building a strong family will help see you through this. Even where you have to make hard decisions, like you just have, she will know that you love her because she's felt that love all her life. </p>
<p>I've been through hell and back with my older S - he nearly lost his life to addiction and severe depresssion. 30 months ago you would have given him up for dead. Because his diseases were so intense, I had to make the terrible decision as a parent to not just let him experience natural consequences, but to make them worse whenever I could. To do otherwise would have let both diseases fester and grow even worse (for parents who don't know, addiction is a progressive disease, it just gets worse). That probably sounds appalling to many parents, but he was only 18 months from being a legal adult when he wasn't risking expulsion but at risk for the hellish Texas jails. My son is healthy now, against every prediction. He is determined not to have his life defined by his diseases and is a wonderful young man. We are very close and there are no hard feelings. We came through this because of all the years that preceded his illness and the foundation that gave us. It sounds like you have that with your daughter too - she may be angry, she may be hurt that you didn't fight the school, but she has a lifetime of knowing how much you care and that will win out in the end. </p>
<p>As a parent, I could not stop my son from becoming an addict - and I do not believe that any parent can prevent it short of locking their child up in a tower (considered that - also sent them to "safe" private school environments, knew every friends, always talked to parents, all the stuff you're "supposed" to do). The school couldn't stop it either and it wasn't their fault (though I was angry at them for a time). But I could give my son a lifetime of love and good parenting before this happened to him so that he could recover and so that our family could survive - and, actually, become a much better family than we were before. I hope your D does not have addiction - but if she is, you will all see this through and she will learn to live her life with this disease, just as she would with diabetes or other severe illnesses. </p>
<p>I understand the reaction of other parents to say that the zero tolerance policy was extreme and that it isn't fair for her not to get her diploma. The reality is, sadly, that the world isn't a fair place. There are rules - often unfair - and consequences for breaking them. BADad's D is experiencing this in a situation from which she can recover. That is so much better than sheltering her from the world until something happens from which it is that much more difficult to recover. We hear of politicians and business executives throwing their lives away all the time because they think the "rules" don't apply to them. None of us want our kids to go through that. Sometimes we just have to let them touch the hot stove so they can understand what "hot" means. Better they know this than let them jump into a fire pit. Though, I'll give you, it is very hard sometimes to figure out whether it is a hot stove or a fire pit.</p>
<p>I saw an earlier post suggesting Al-Anon. I found Al-Anon to be a huge help - a roomful of parents who understood, could share their experiences, and sometimes just hold my hand. It kept me sane, which meant I could keep helping my kid. Family therapy was also huge for us, a great experience. </p>
<p>Thank you for sharing - I learned a lot from this thread that will help me prepare my younger S for college, despite all we've been through, "study drugs" weren't top of mind for me. And please remember to be good to yourself too - taking care of yourself will help you take care of your daughter. Hang in there - get through today, deal with tomorrow when it happens.</p>
<p>GR</p>
<p>And, Thanks to You GeeksRule for sharing what you have been through. Congratulations, on coming back through the looking glass.
I recently read, Dry- by Augusten Burroughs, a book about his struggle with addiction. Are you familiar with this book?</p>
<p>I teach at a private school in Southern California. Students who are expelled after 4th quarter starts have their grades "frozen," which means they are no long responsible to turn in any remaining assignments or take any tests scheduled between the date of the expulsion and the final exam. However, final exams are administered to these students outside of the normal school day. The "frozen" grade is then added to the final exam grade. You should see if your school will consider this option.</p>
<p>
[quote]
You're doing a great job handling this and so clearly recognize the difference between supporting and enabling, which is so terribly difficult as a parent.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Agree - wholeheartedly.</p>
<p>GeeksRule wrote "As a parent, I could not stop my son from becoming an addict - and I do not believe that any parent can prevent it short of locking their child up in a tower"</p>
<p>I just want to comment that there are many who who believe that an addict is an addict whether or not they've ever used drugs. It is the way the brain is 'wired' and IF they start drinking or drugging, they WILL be addicted, so in effect, they've been addicts before they even started.</p>
<p>One of the things I've told my kids repeatedly is that if they try a drug and they hate it, they've wasted their time and money, and possibly endangered themselves, and if they take a drug and LOVE it, well, now they're in trouble. So maybe the best choice is to just leave it alone. I have no idea if any of that <em>really</em> sinks in, but since we have many, many addicts in our family, I'm hoping it does.</p>
<p>We had a boy who two weeks before school ended played a practical senior joke by hacking into the teachers gradebookj and changed the grades of all seniors to 105 (2005 when occured) & the underclassmen to 05 (computer genius with full presidential scholarship to ga tech), was carried out in handcuffs--arrested, expelled, had to take GED and kept scholarship is now designing missle systems for our military at age 21.</p>
<p>My feeling is that how YOU deal with it and being up front will determine how they handle. You can be positive....you are glad to know that his issue was present so you were able to get her help in time prior to college....or something along that line.</p>
<p>For those who ask the question about the "diploma" issue... At my D's school I believe those who a kicked out late in their senior year (It happens at lots of places) are issued a "certificate of completion" - basically a letter certifying that they have completed the necessary courses to graduate High School in that state. Doesn't look nice hanging on the wall, but otherwise has all the same meaning as a diploma. In BayAreaDad's case, it should not interfere with any college admissions technical requirements, if this is what they are issuing to his daughter.</p>
<p>To BayAreaDad: As others have done, thank you for sharing this private piece of your family life. It reminds us how fragile the whole experience can be. I just arrive home with my daughter (now a rising Junior) from her boarding school last night after a whirlwind college campus tour and often thought how easy my long drive was in comparison to yours.</p>
<p>Take some time, heal with your family and if you still have whatever motivated you to share with us the beginnings of this story, I'm sure many of us would love to hear the positive ending (we know you can do it!) to the tale.</p>
<p>God bless you and your family.</p>
<p>I have not read through every post so forgive me if I repeat anything. Sounds like you are a great dad and have your priorities straight, hard as it is to let go of dreams. The most important thing is your D's health. I have learned that many so called experts make wrong calls both from my experience with folks I have worked with and people I know very well. Many times when students are extremely bright and talented in many ways therapists may tell you that this is just experimentation that the student has too many things going for them to have a true addiction, they will get through this. That is not always true and of course could be, just don't assume. I know of students with all A's, great athletes, who did not show normal addiction symptons but were in fact functional addicts, well liked, great kids but it is a disease. Students usually will reveal facts and sound sincere, in fact are sincere but keep some things hidden, possibly because they have convinced themselves it is not true. This may not be the case at all but now is the time to make a difference especially if your child is not yet 18. My heart goes out to you and your family. God bless!</p>
<p>So if she failed the original random test...isnt a backup test also performed on the same specimen?</p>
<p>Hi folks,</p>
<p>I thought I would update this thread with some information about how my daughter is doing, and provide a few more specifics about where we are going next.</p>
<p>Many of you have shared some very personal information yourselves, and I thank you for that. </p>
<p>I have not carefully read all the comments since my last post, since, to be honest, we really just needed some time to tune out and regroup. However, I will try to make more specific responses soon.</p>
<p>My daughter is doing amazingly well, emotionally. I expected several days of depression, but it wasn't like that at all. She came home, and slept alot for 3-4 days, which probably was some emotional letdown but also exhaustion I think. That's also not untypical of what she did on every other break.</p>
<p>What was noteworthy was that, her second day home, I saw the fire and drive come back: she was out looking for a job by noon. She had worked outside last summer, something like a summer camp, and she connected with a similar establishment this time. They were <em>very</em> excited about her, and by that same evening they had called her back twice, begging her to work for them. This was a huge boost to her morale, and although I would have preferred that she be a bit more systematic and patient in her search, I supported her acceptance of their offer. That was a week ago, she's been working nearly full-time since, and she really likes the job and being outside. BAMom and I are happy for her in this respect.</p>
<p>We had a difficult decision as a family when she said she wanted to attend graduation. Justification was that she felt she needed to see her friends graduate so the real import of what she had done would sink in. I almost bit on that one... </p>
<p>In the end we all agreed that it would just be a little too awkward (and way too emotionally painful for BAMom especially). Under different circumstances I would have liked to have supported her close friends and their families on this most important day (they are our friends, as well), but came to the conclusion that it would just be a downer for everyone. So, no dice.</p>
<p>The next decision had to do with college this fall and we still don't have a clear answer there. Some of you had pointed out that not attending college this fall, as planned, could actually turn out to be a significant emotional setback. We share that concern. Also, what if she takes a year off and ends up not going to college at all??? (That's another one of those Big Parental Disappointments, isn't it?)</p>
<p>We found that the deadline for requesting a deferral was actually May 1 but that the school does continue to consider them on a case-by-case basis. My daughter listened very carefully to our rationale, and we all came up with some very good ideas about how to spend the year if she were not in college. In the end, she decided that she would defer if the school approved, and she filed the form. I'll let you know how that turns out.</p>
<p>"What was noteworthy was that, her second day home, I saw the fire and drive come back: she was out looking for a job by noon. She had worked outside last summer, something like a summer camp, and she connected with a similar establishment this time. They were <em>very</em> excited about her, and by that same evening they had called her back twice, begging her to work for them. This was a huge boost to her morale, and although I would have preferred that she be a bit more systematic and patient in her search, I supported her acceptance of their offer. That was a week ago, she's been working nearly full-time since, and she really likes the job and being outside. BAMom and I are happy for her in this respect.
"
Her actions concerning the job are very impressive. I think that given the tight summer job market, she made a good move in accepting the job right away.</p>
<p>I also am wondering if she hasn't felt ready to go to college yet, and her actions -- the drug and the job hunt -- are indicating that. Younger S got severe writers block when it came to applying for colleges, and missed all of the deadlines for his college apps. However, immediately after that, he got an Americorps position with an agency that he was a longtime volunteer with.</p>
<p>Despite his saying he wanted to live away from home, he chose to live at home (We had him pay rent), and had a very good year with Americorps, one that taught him a lot about himself and what he might want to do as a career and things he definitely doesn't want to do.</p>
<p>When he went away to college the next year, he demonstrated a great deal of maturity, including organizational skills that he had never demonstrated before. He also had no problem getting back into the swing of academics after his year off, something that I remember also was true for me when I went to graduate school after being out of college for 4 years.</p>
<p>Since your D does seem to like working with kids, do have her explore Americorps, which has lots of opportunities to work with kids.</p>
<p>Honestly - if I were in your shoes I don't think I could be the parent that you are. You are an inspiration. You are an amazing dad with an amazing daughter.<br>
Don't worry about college this fall - you will get over that Big Parental Disappointment. a lot quicker than most!</p>
<p>What I especially liked was HER deciding to defer college.
I see a very bright future ahead - she is getting on track and I am confident that you and BAMom will keep her on track.</p>
<p>Your daughter's desire to attend the graduation is not unusual. I know that there have been a few ex-students-by-expulsion at my D's boarding school who have come back to watch graduation (it is a public event on the school front lawn) and cheer on their friends over the years.</p>
<p>However, with the short time between the events, I agree with your decision not to open the wounds.</p>
<p>Good luck going forward and thanks again for sharing.</p>
<p>We have given our daughter a list of things to accomplish over the next few months. I'll call it her program for getting right with herself and the world.</p>
<p>Among other projects, she has to write some letters to key people at the school who where severely disappointed by her actions. (She had already started on this before we even discussed it, I am encouraged to report.)</p>
<p>We have scheduled the assessment for chemical dependency, because it needs to be done. There is alcoholism in the family, and our plan is to do everything possible diagnostically and preventatively to keep this from becoming a problem for her. However, based upon many talks with her, with our family physician, as well as with her school counselor, I am leaning towards the tentative conclusion that it really was a series of very bad decisions and not early-stage addiction as I had feared. But again, we're still assuming that CD is a factor until proven otherwise.</p>
<p>Which has led me to reflect more deeply on how kids start using chemicals to begin with. My daughter insists it was purely recreational, a way to liven up a Saturday night. And she didn't think she'd get caught was the bottom line. </p>
<p>I have a mental image of a dam, holding back the desire to indulge in this sort of thing... there is so much pressure from the accumulated actions and words of their friends, from the culture in general, from simple boredom, that all kids need is a single crack or maybe two and the dam bursts, releasing a torrent of bad decisions and a spiral downward. </p>
<p>Did we, as parents, present her with a solid dam, or did it have cracks? I have to conclude that we did not. We were not 100% against alcohol use, for instance. She's had it at home (e.g. a small portion of wine at dinner on one or two occasions.) And in my own thoughts and probably in my verbalizations I've always been somewhat wishy-washy about alcohol use in college, even for underage students. My assumption is that they're going to do it anyway, and to come down too hard on this would risk alienating our daughter at a time when we really need to keep rapport. Our strategy, meaning BAMom's and my own, has been to essentially make no big deal about it while also educating her about the dangers of abuse. (I know this topic has been discussed over and over on CC, but I haven't had to take a firm stand on it, until now.)</p>
<p>I also have to question myself on the following aspect: My D has intimated that she thought she was "above" getting caught -- that she was such a great student etc etc that somehow she'd slide by. Did she learn any of that from me or from us? In at least one way, I think she did.. Don't laugh: I have this thing about sports cars and, um, well, tend to drive a little fast. Even a lot fast, occasionally. And have pretty much considered speed limits on the open highways to be mostly for other people, since I'm such a good driver and in such a competent car, yada yada yada. </p>
<p>Back to the dam metaphor -- was this arrogance a crack in the dam? I'm not assuming responsibility for her decision -- it was her decision after all and she knew the consequences. But human decisions are complex things and sometimes they're based on preconceptions of which we're barely aware. If there is anything I have done, that in any way contributed to the belief she could get away with something like this, I sure as h*ll want to know about it so I can change my behavior. (Maybe I was a BAdDad, a little???)</p>
<p>Andway, you can tell that a lot of soul searching has been going on in the BA household. ;-) We're not really sure yet what all the reasons were, but hopefully with some counseling we'll get to the bottom of it this summer. D has agreed to the counseling, with no complaint. And, even if there is no connection, I'll report that I'm driving the speed limit. Which, for anyone who knows me, would be earth-shaking news...</p>
<p>Finally, I've been encouraged by a couple more indicators: I had mentioned to my daughter the concept of 100% abstinence from any/all chemicals including alchohol. I'm honestly not sure if we will (or can) insist on that while she's in college, but we certainly pointed out that, for her, even alcohol is illegal at this point. And does she want to continue to flout the rules? What if she gets caught again??? She seems to be quite open minded and appears to be giving it much thought (for now...). She has committed, for the time being at least, to such a policy, which brings up my last observation.</p>
<p>When I outlined her summer "program", I finished up with the requirement that she undergo a hair sample drug test in 90 days. I said I'd be willing to give her a clean start, but in 90 days I wanted her to be tested again. She said that would be fine, and so we continue to have hope that she is responding and that takes all this very seriously. All indications are that she does take this seriously, and on top of that appears to be driven to prove herself all over again. She's extremely pleasant at home, talkative, helpful to the neighbors... </p>
<p>Actually one of the biggest problem we have now is that she's always been such a good kid that we have to continue to remind ourselves of what happened just a few days ago. You want so much to believe the best about your children, and when they're generally good kids to begin with (and my daughter is), you have to be very vigilant, and very emotionally honest with yourself, to recognize the danger signals when they go off track.</p>
<p>Thanks for the continued updates. You have helped many, many people.</p>
<p>Your last post reminds of myself now that my son is driving. I have a bit of a lead foot myself, but now that I know he's watching (of course, he always was!), I am a picture-perfect driver. No speeding, no pushing the yellow. SLOW in our neighborhoods. I hope that's what he remembers when he's behind the wheel by himself.</p>
<p>DearExtraordinarilyGoodDad,</p>
<p>Stop beating yourself up.</p>
<p>When our kids have problems, most of us tend to focus on our own behavior to see what WE did that caused their behavior. In a FEW cases, there IS a direct link between what a parent does and what a kid does. But in MOST cases, the teenager's world does NOT revolve around us and the poor--or sometimes even good--choices they make have NADA to do with us. </p>
<p>Your D HAS to take responsibility for her own actions. If you waiver and even sublimininally send the message that this isn't her fault but rather the result of something you or her mom did or failed to so, you're not helping her a bit. She really has to accept the fact that SHE "blew it"--her present situation was caused by her own bad actions and NOT by "bad luck" or because anyone was "unfair" or because you and her mom aren't perfect human beings.</p>
<p>The explanation your D has given you is part of the standard "adolescent fable." MOST teens believe that they are invincible. They believe they won't get caught..or die. Teenagers are arrogant in that sense. She didn't believe she was "above" getting caught because you drive too fast; she believed it because she is a teenager. Teenagers engage in more risky behaviors than adults because of this belief. (It's not entirely bad either. )</p>
<p>There's a priest who runs a highly successful program for drug addicts. He works with the parents as well. He always asks at the first meeting "How many of you believe in free will?" Since most of the folks involved in this program are at least nominally Catholic, almost all parents raise their hands. Second question: "So why are you beating yourself up?"</p>
<p>Do you really think there is ANY parent in the WORLD who does EVERYTHING perfectly?!!! Of course not. So, stop asking yourself what you or her mom did that "caused" her to take a stupid chance. The answer is crystal clear: NOTHING. </p>
<p>It is NOT about you; it IS about her...and HER choices. Choices she made as one of a not yet mature species known as an adolescent.</p>