<p>I was on the phone with my youngest last night and she was talking about her first trip home for Thanksgiving. Since she is so far away, she worked it out so that she can take the redeye home Monday night, returning the following Monday. (The older one always got a whole week for Thanksgiving). D2 said she cannot wait for her big comfy bed, although she said her 'little' bed is comfy, too. She never spent much time in it here, and I don't suspect she will be over break, either! The nice thing is, like older D, most, if not all of their friends don't get in til Tues-Wed, so we may actualy see her for a little bit. She told me of all the things she wants me to cook, and bake while she's home-with one caveat..."can we eat early, so I can go out a little earlier so I can see everybody?" Of course. We are going on a vacation over Christmas, since they have different spring breaks, so I'm looking forward to a week at the beach, just the four of us. No hurries, just time together.</p>
<p>I remember my mother getting very upset when I referred to college as "home." If my daughter calls college home, that's OK, since it means she's happy there.</p>
<p>Now this: "my mom wanted to follow me around the house and grill me about every detail of college life" is what I will probably be like when my daughter comes home at Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>Problem here :(</p>
<p>Freshman S. will make his first trip home for Thanksgiving. Like any parent I'd like him to enjoy it-- eat well, sleep late, enjoy the comforts of home, etc. However, H. informed me yesterday that he just invited his sibling and family (4 or 5 of them) to stay at our house when they visit the area over Thanksgiving -- the same days S. will be home. H. said he wasn't thinking at the time.</p>
<p>We have only one extra bed, and NO extra bedrooms. Our daughters share a room. There are other relatives all within 15 minutes who have plenty of space and extra bedrooms. They like to switch around and stay with different family members each time they visit. If S. wasn't coming home, I wouldn't mind- we get along fine. H. is not 100% positive that they're going to take him up on his offer, but they've been invited.</p>
<p>I'm considering calling them. As parents of a college student themselves, I hope they'll understand. I wouldn't want to put anyone out if I was in the same position. Sorry to hijack the thread, but any advice?</p>
<p>I'd make the phone calls now while there is plenty of time and tell the truth. Your husband forgot to put S in the mix. Offer to host them the next time, or another time when there will be more room. Otherwise you'll worry about this (I would anyway...) until Thanksgiving and the whole thing will put a damper on the occasion for EVERYONE...</p>
<p>LSPF, I sympathize with your position. But I think it's up to your H, not you, to make the call to his sibling and say, "Listen, I had a brain cramp and we need to find a solution that works...." W's cleaning up family/social mis-steps of H's isn't a good model, imo.</p>
<p>NSM is right, too, about the students often wanting to hang out with friends, though perhaps less so at Thanksgiving than on other trips home. Sometimes it may be helpful to pre-negotiate times/events that are "family" time, leaving other times open for returning student's options.</p>
<p>^^^ Totally agree with TheDad but want to make another point as well. Neither my H nor I would ever invite anyone even for dinner, much less overnight, without clearing it with the other first. Anyhow, IMO it is up to your H to backtrack and straighten things out with all parties, including you. It should not be a problem, as everyone can be sympathetic to someone who admits having messed up. </p>
<p>As for Thanksgiving, it is my favorite holiday (because it is relatively uncommercial), but as long as the kids are around for the day of the big family dinner which we host, I am OK with their having other plans for the rest of the weekend. As a matter of fact, I am always happy to see them reunite with long-term friends, all of whom I really like. </p>
<p>Actually, both my kids have been in high school marching band and usually had a game to perform at Thanksgiving morning, but they were home and interacting with family from noon on into late evening. Once away at college or after, the Thanksgiving game is popular as a reconnection opportunity for returnees from college or post-college.</p>
<p>This year my D has her fifth high school reunion over Thanksgiving weekend.</p>
<p>Thanks, all-
H. says he's not going to be the one to call them. In fact I asked him to call them back as soon as he told me about it, but he wouldn't. I honestly have no idea why, as I'm quite sure they'll understand, and there are definitely other lodging options. I really don't get it (him) sometimes. And I agree with jyber-- I sure wish he had mentioned it to me first!!</p>
<p>I also know S. is looking forward to seeing his HS friends, and know that will also entail staying up late, sleeping late, etc, and all the things kids like to do when they're home for a holiday. I'm not trying to make everything perfect, but logistically it would be a drag.</p>
<p>Returning to OP's question, asking for "surprises" to look out for at the first visit home from a freshman:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>They sleep a lot the first 24 hours.</p></li>
<li><p>Younger siblings have a hard time at first making emotional room for them again. It took us about half a day or sometimes 24 hours before the 3 kids felt comfortable again with each other, back in the "zone." Just give it time and don't interfere is my advice. No big fights, just small territorial squabbles.</p></li>
<li><p>For the first time, they thought my cooking was REALLY GREAT. It's good but not great. It isn't dorm food.</p></li>
<li><p>If they have former girlfriends or boyfriends from h.s. or summer, they might use this visit to adjust the terms of those relationships.</p></li>
<li><p>I did always ask them if they have papers or projects due upon return to school. Otherwise, they don't mention them until the last day and maybe I had a special ticket or something to do the last day... Other than that, we don't talk about anything to do with assignments.</p></li>
<li><p>Best conversations are about "what are you learning?" instead of what grade are you making. And then, just really enjoy the discussion...whether it's about Spanish Colonialism or Descartes...they should be having an intellectual growth-spurt out there, so harvest the fun and have a good lofty discussion, if they want to. Celebrate and compliment whatever they're learning.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Did anyone else catch the irony? If lspf72 makes the call to smooth over the overextended thanksgiving invite- does that maker her a helicopter wife? </p>
<p>There is lots of encouragement that sounds similar to that given to Mom's of college kids when there is a problem to solve.</p>
<p>Compared to the Empty Nest life, having the boys at home is like a typhoon blowing through the halls. The younger one in particular, attracts an entourage of, dunno, maybe 10 to 12 kids who arrive before he wakes up and come and go long after we've crept into our beds. The older one has more sensible friends but still...three or four 21 year old men take up a lot of space at our dinner table/sofa seats.</p>
<p>I love the rush of it. I love the laughs and the hugs and the catch-ups with all the returning kids--but I am just as pleased to have those typhoons go back to their lives in the big wide world.</p>
<p>Advice? Expect some irritability in the first few days, but chalk it up to 'transition' and leave it at that.</p>
<p>lspf72</p>
<p>Maybe your husband would like to put the relatives up at a motel since he can't find it within himself to do the "oops" message.</p>
<p>bethie-- that's one call I know he won't make!</p>
<p>Maybe he fears coming off as an indian-giver (non-pc term, but I can't think of an alternative), and also doesn't like admitting a mistake. In any case he says I'm on my own from here on in, so-- if we don't learn their visit plans soon, I'll give them a call next week. At this point I have few qualms about being the Bad Guy, Helicopter Wife, ___-breaker... you name it. It's better than festering about it for the next month and a half!</p>
<p>lspf72: I don't think those objections were meant for you but for H. I know you have my support. You could offer to split cost of motel room.</p>
<p>Thanks, mythmom-- I hoped so--
And I was sort of kidding (sort of!) when I typed in my new monikers :)</p>
<p>Last summer, my brother and his family came to visit over what my younger sister calls the longest weekend of her life. He brought 10 people with him :eek: , his wife, 2 kids, his mother and father-in-law and a couple of other assorted relatives in his wife's family (they had never been to NYC before) </p>
<p>My sister has a pretty big house, but I told her that our brother was just totally wrong for extending an invitation to all of the people outside of his immediate household. She called my brother and told them they were welcomed to come but her kids were not giving up an inch of space nor were they going to be inconvienced (they have their own floor which was recently renovated at the time). She told them to bring sleeping bags and they would sleep in different sections of the house (in addition she said that she was not feeding 10 people so my brother and his wife were responsible for cooking and cleaning up behind them). After spending the whole weekend cooking and cleaning after my sister-in-law's family when they came back this year there were 6 less people.</p>
<p>Lspf,</p>
<p>I don't think that you are recinding your offer however, what I don't understand is this..</p>
<p>I am quite sure that your B-I-L and family has visted your home before. Unless you have moved or told them that you under went a major renovation where you added rooms to the house I think that they know that your family cannot reasonably accomodate extra 5 people in your home. </p>
<p>My advice would be to talk to your sister in law and suggest how you should work this out. Let them know that you would be willing to put them up but your house has not grown. They are welcomed to stay but it is going to be like camp because your living room sofa does not let out into a bed and kids may have to bring sleeping bags and sleep on the floor. I am sure she will think of something else.</p>
<p>Why not call some your relatives who you said live close, and have room, and ask if any of them could help you out? Then call your sister-in-law and present her with that option as an alternative.</p>
<p>sybbie - They stayed once before, minus their oldest, for a very short visit. The parents stayed in S's room (which has the extra bed), and the kids doubled/tripled up. It was a little crowded, but fine. I mentioned to H. that we could give them our room, but... nope!</p>
<p>In response to the OP (yes, I still feel guilty for going off on a tangent!) I think S. is probably looking forward to: relaxing, seeing his friends, his PC, and SLEEPING (he's in a forced triple at school). Also, I'M really looking forward to spending time with him and our own family rather than entertaining. For all these reasons I'm not going to be as accommodating this time.</p>
<p>Am still not 100% sure they're going to take us up on H's offer. Hopefully, they'll empathize a bit and stay elsewhere. If not, I'll make the call..</p>
<p>lspf72, I think I know why your H doesn't want to un-invite. I have a husband who's #2 of 5 close brothers. Now all have families and live scattered everywhere, due to professions, but put primacy on visiting each other
whenever possible. They all grew up sharing two bedrooms for all 5 of them. Resources were modest and with college bills everywhere, nobody is rolling in the dough even if they are professionals today. For my H to ever suggest "motel" to them at my request would be unthinkable. They'd sooner all sleep on the floors, with bad backs, than be separated during the precious moments of a rare visit. I mean, this sounds over-the-top, but I just know this about them. My H-who is understanding and sensitive--simply cannot understand when I start pulling the "I want to have these kinds of experiences and conversations during the holiday.." language. He finds it controlling on my part, and just thinks I'm wrong to object and come between him and his family. I no longer push him on this, and just roll with the punches. If my own kid asked for that privacy, then and only then would I insist.</p>
<p>Re: New York City, that one caused me to remember my male cousin ("my" side of the family) who moved to Manhattan and married a Manhattanite, raising two girls there now. Although they have enough space for the four of them, they have no extra guest bedroom. SUddenly, from his h.s. position, eldest S asked to stay on their couch for one night (he had a chance to be on Good Morning America to help someone doing a computer-related spot with Katie Couric!!) I thought nothing of asking, and my male cousin said "yes." But soon his wife, my cousin-in-law, called back. Nicely and calmly, she told me it was the only exception they could make for our entire large family. I wondered what was the big deal, not knowing NYC, and thought perhaps she was just kind of selfish or something. She explained that everybody wants to come to Manhattan for tourist purposes, and if they said "yes" to everyone in the family once each per year, they'd not have sufficient privacy with their own growing family. I really understood it when she explained it that way, thanked her extra for taking in my son as the exception, promised not to tell anyone else (which is why she called out to talk to me), and never asked a similar favor again. She is NOT selfish; she has a real boundary concern. My own cousin could not have articulated it that well, so she called out to me.</p>
<p>These are two different conclusions to similar problems. Families are SOOO complicated!</p>
<p>Paying3-- - I def. understand where your H's family is coming from. In this particular situation, H. doesn't seem to mind ME making the call, he's just not going to do it himself. I do feel sort of bad about "uninviting" them, but as a mom I think my SIL will understand.</p>
<p>I wonder why they never stay with H's mom, who has an entire empty house. H. says he doesn't know why either. The kids are old enough now not to be troublesome. Maybe as you say there are boundary issues. There are plenty of relatives around, though, as both BIL and SIL are from the immediate area.</p>
<p>You are probably nice, fun, interesting, and hospitable. So they favor staying with you :) Rejoice...um, next time rejoice. Having BIL and SIL nearby should be your salvation this time. Or ask SIL why not stay with Mom..."just this time." Good luck. I know how much these things matter. Me too.</p>