<p>Nice? Fun? Thanks! I'll have to post here more often :)</p>
<p>Thanksgiving is still so far off. Hope abasket is having a nice first-visit-home with her D.</p>
<p>This is something to watch out for--</p>
<p>When my eldest son came home for Thanksgiving his freshman year from a school far away, he found himself out- of- sync with all of his friends who had gone to the state flagship university. He was very excited to see them, but life for them had gone on without him--the dynamics had changed. the group of them were still the group but he was not really a part of them any longer. they talked about parties and events that they had gone to and he didn't have much to say. </p>
<p>He was one of only a few who had chosen to go far away and be entirely on their own. He felt like those that had all gone to school together were just in advanced high school socially. They weren't too interested in those who were different or had different experiences than theirs.</p>
<p>Things did get better over time but the first timehome was tough</p>
<p>abasket, hope the drop-off today goes well :)</p>
<p>My trips home are a little different since I lost touch with most of my HS friends when I went to college. (Many of them still go to school or work in the small town I grew up in-- whereas I couldn't wait to leave!) I agree with boysx3--it's like HS part 2.</p>
<p>A typical day on a trip home:
-Sleep until 11 or so
-Make a bowl of cereal for breakfast and be confident that the milk is not expired
-Relax and read
-DO LAUNDRY that I've been saving up for 3 weeks to do at home where Mom will help
-Clean the mess that I've somehow made in my room in one day
-Take a long walk with the dog
-Bath or long shower (two luxuries I can't have at my off-campus house shared by 7 girls!)
-Dinner, either grilled by Dad, cooked by Mom, or at my favorite Italian restaurant
-Stay in and watch a baseball game with Dad, or go to a party with HS friends (curfew: 2 am, negotiable, or stay at the party to sleep and come home in the morning if I've been drinking)</p>
<p>From my own experience (many moons ago), the first visit home with old high school friends can turn into a "my school is better than your school" contest. My son stayed away from any discussions involving "what is it like at your school?". It just turns into a thinly veiled contest. He just wanted to reconnect with old football/baseball buddies. He played ball with students who went on to play at HYP, Notre Dame, Rollins, and a myriad of state universities. It would be pretty easy to get competitive with sports (especially since he goes to UF, home of the biggest crazy Gator fans in the world). He has all the admiration in the world for those guys though- he knows how tough it is to be a college athlete.</p>
<p>It's funny that he doesn't really have ANY high school friends that he gets together with at breaks that go to UF, although many students from his hs went there. His three "best friends" go to North Florida, Rollins, and UCF. They don't have any common party history to brag about!</p>
<p>boysx3 - I agree with much of your post, and would like to add an observation. For many kids who have truly gone away - far enough that Thanksgiving is their only possible first visit home, they might want to remember that most of their friends who stayed in-state will probably have already seen each other, even if they're not all at the same state school. At least in our area, some try to make it back for homecoming, or if there's a special event going on (fall play, choral concert, band concert, etc.). So they've seen each other, back in the context where they've known each other, and for those who haven't been back, that can create different priorities when they finally see their friends. Neither of my daughters has anyone from high school remotely near where they've chosen to go to college, so when they're home for breaks, they don't have an option of hanging out with college friends from their schools. I think it makes it a bit more difficult to find a comfortable spot when they're home.</p>
<p>And yes, doubleplay, it can turn into a comparison, but I think these days, with facebook, many of the kids do have an good idea of what their high school friends have been up to in college, which alleviates some of the initial awkwardness. I think hearing about other colleges from their friends can help to confirm to our kids that they made the right choice for them. D1, a senior, often comments about glad she is she didn't stay in-state, because it would drive her nuts to spend four years seeing kids from her high school hanging out with kids from her high school all the time. I know this isn't the experience of every in-state student, but my D is glad she has had the opportunity to make friends with people who do not all have the same background as her.</p>
<p>Ugh. Anyone reading who's had to move houses or cities recently?</p>
<p>We've had to move since the kids went off to college, so when the eldest two came home for vacations, they knew nobody in town except us. While we never had to experience the "he came home for vacation and spends all his time with friends" thing, it also makes it very boring at home with only the parents to visit. They were good sports about it all, though, and we made it up by cooking great meals at home, going to all first-run movies (they love this), and I'd pick out a concert ticket at the Buffalo Philharmonic. H tries to reduce his work evening commitments and we decline other social invitations that week, and we actually are rewarded by having all-family evenings together.</p>
<p>After a while they told me to drop the BPO ticket, as they had all the culture they wanted at college and just wanted to hang with us and themselves around the (unfamiliar) house. At least we have lots of art, and some rugs, so they walk from piece to piece and get their memory jabs from those pieces. Oreintal Rugs are important because they crawled and played on them. And they told me that the only thing you may call Oriental any more IS rugs, which is why I'm typing that word. </p>
<p>They upgrade our computer systems and berate us for being "dinosaurs" with anything slow.</p>
<p>With each successive year, I see their true maturity emerge on these visits. After the very first year, we had no more tension or edginess. They also learned to negotiate the emotional territory. We feel rewarded by the intellectual discussions, seeing their greater powers of reasoning over dinner-table topics, observing them "taking a pass" on a potential fight with a sib or us. They are agreeable to go to temple once (big difference from sr. year of h.s.). Very rewarding. </p>
<p>In the second year, they began to bring home college friends, boyfriends and girlfriends so those were terrific visits. If you live close to a college, and can encourage this, you'll not only help a long-distance student but you'll find your own S or D brighten about coming home, to show off their old town (warts and all), get some good cooking, and meet their quirky parents.</p>
<p>what I think will be hard for my D, who can only come home at Christmas, will be not hold back on all her adventures in NYC, while her best friends stayed within 1 hour from home</p>
<p>So my D., who will be having a different life, will want to share, but her friends will have not less, but probablly not as exciting, tales to tell</p>
<p>SO my guess is it may be awkward at times, but that is okay, my D is great at getting excited by her friends stories</p>
<p>
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my D is great at getting excited by her friends stories
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<p>Hooray CGM's D for that! That's truly sophisticated ;)</p>
<p>I guess it comes down to how it's presented. No one who has "stayed behind" and gone to CC or an hour away wants to hear how unsophisticated their life is. Whether or not it's true, it can come across as condescending. Kids are generally pretty happy for each other and excited to talk about each other's lives, as long as it's not one sided. Comments like "extension of high school" are downright insulting and rude to say to someone's face (or behind their back for that matter), and that's the kind of thing that results in the cold shoulder. My son is genuinely excited about his peers who went off to the big cities- and he's proud to say he went to hs with a guy on this or that team. Those guys are humble people. He wouldn't feel the same way toward them, though, if they came back at Thanx or Xmas and suggested that people who stayed back in town don't have anything in common with them anymore or insinuated that their college experiences were inferior. It might be true, but some things are kinder left unsaid.</p>
<p>"In the second year, they began to bring home college friends, boyfriends and girlfriends so those were terrific visits. If you live close to a college, and can encourage this, you'll not only help a long-distance student but you'll find your own S or D brighten about coming home, to show off their old town (warts and all), get some good cooking, and meet their quirky parents."</p>
<p>Aww, paying3tuitions, I remember all the great people who took me in at Thanksgiving, fall, and Easter weekend breaks in NC (my home was in Florida). And on the flip side, my parents would have, literally, dozens of students sleeping all over the house during spring breaks (who doesn't want to go to Cocoa Beach Florida for spring break- free!). One year, I roomed with a German exchange student and she did not go home even ONE time during the year (not even Christmas). She came home with me. We took a picture of ourselves in our bikinis sitting by the pool, with a big piece of paper that said "December 24...85 degrees", and she sent it to her family. Those were good memories.</p>
<p>Well, D came home and the weekend was WONDERFUL!!!!</p>
<p>When she arrived home (my H picked her up) she had a big smile on her face and I had tears in my eyes. It was so good to HUG her again - we are a hugging-type family as well as a easy-to-tear up family!!!! </p>
<p>When she came in she cried a bit too - she said it was so GOOD to be home but also weird - the last two weeks her daily life and people around her had totally changed - and now here she was landed at home and wasn't sure if she should feel normal or like a visitor!!! I told her it was ok to feel that way and also told her that it was ok to have 2 "homes". </p>
<p>After a few minutes she was chilling with her siblings and enjoying the home cooked meal she requested. Once she let herself relax, I think she gave herself "permission" to enjoy. We talked about the weekend and everyone's plans - it was good that we all had plans just like usual at-home life. That's what she wanted - for things to be "normal". A couple of hours after she got home I took off to work concessions at the high school football game - her sophomore brother did a little homework and she did too! By later in the evening I came home and we snacked and watched a little tv as she curled up on the couch - just like usual!</p>
<p>The whole weekend was a nice mix of attending siblings ball games, seeing a couple of friends that were still in town, working in a good bit of homework time (I was very impressed at how she is balancing her free time), enjoying a dinner with her grandma and RELAXING!!!</p>
<p>Things she especially enjoyed"
- taking her time in the bathroom and enjoying the privacy!
- her bed, her bed, her bed!!!
- home cooked food
- feeling like she still "belonged"!!!</p>
<p>I know I've often heard parents say they encourage kids NOT to come home for several weeks. I think that just as their is a "fit" for college, there is a "fit" for coming home. Honestly, I think it was a huge positive for my D to come home for a couple of days after a couple of weeks so she did not feel so distance from family, friends, home. This has been her home for 18 years! Why is it a benefit to abandon it? Sure she missed a couple of events at college - but nothing that will make her NOT part of the dorm group. She's back there tonight, with friends and plans for the evening. Accomplished this weekend was the realization that she can have two "homes" and not desert either of the places she loves! </p>
<p>I drove her back tonight - again we shared a few tears (told you we were crybabies!) but she was also happy - happy to have connected with her "home" life and happy to be back with her "dorm home" life. </p>
<p>I know over time we can expect more changes. Maybe different difficulties. But it was really, really nice to have her home again and it was really, really nice to see her arrive at her dorm to be greeted by friends who are also part of her "family".</p>
<p>Here's hoping you guys will also have a "home" visit soon!!!</p>
<p>Good for you, abasket!
Aside from the visit home, it's nice you got to bring her back as well. I think it's really comforting for a parent to get those little mental pictures to take away, that let you know all is well at school.</p>
<p>Huzzah, abasket! I think you'll find yourself just beaming quietly in the next days after such a reassuring weekend...for all of your family!</p>
<p>glad it was everything you wanted!</p>
<p>nothing bad about coming home for a weekend to get that home cooking and racking out in your own bed. Oh yeah, and the hugs!!!</p>
<p>D is thinking about coming home Columbus Weekend, because friends from home and from school are coming home. So, I am really feeling torn. OF COURSE I can't wait to see her. I really miss her. But I do think that it's a little soon, even though "Abasket" makes good points about that. If she does come home, though, I really don't think I will see much of her. If friends in both worlds are here (NYC) then family will take last place in line. That's OK. The main thing I am thinking is that "letting go" again so soon will be hard...but there is always Parents' Weekend, Thanksgiving, Winter Break....</p>
<p>Franglish,
It was by no means easy to say goodbye to her again yesterday - I love having her around and of course there is less worrying when they wake up and fall asleep in your own house everynight! But I think it was GOOD to experience these transitions. My husband grumbles a bit that if she would have just gone to school here in town we wouldn't have to have all these sad-teary feelings (he's somewhat joking...) but you know, I tell him that's just being selfish - the hellos and goodbyes may not be the easiest, but personally I can't think of a reason NOT to want to see my kid(s). </p>
<p>If you're waiting for the visit where they will be exclusively yours to "visit" with, it may never happen...</p>
<p>abasket,
I think your family situation sounds wonderful- exactly what I'm aiming for with my kids- a comfortable, loving, welcoming relationship. </p>
<p>I also envy my brother-in-laws family. All the siblings ended up living in the same (very large) city, all within a few miles of each other. They all ended up having multiple children, and those children all stayed within the state. The get-togethers are ginormous and wonderful events! How lovely that your daughter was able to come home (and wants to!) to see you and her siblings.</p>
<p>My folks were dismayed at the thought that we would "see" our kids more often than just at Christmas and summer breaks. I guess they see it as independence issue- I know when I was in school, the emphasis was: go far away and don't come home until Christmas. Fast forward 30 years and now they have two sons who live with their families far away and they rarely see (maybe once every couple years) and with thom they have had fairly strained relationships at certain times (largely due IMO to everyone feeling like strangers). </p>
<p>Anyway, congratulations on a wonderful weekend and here's hoping for many, many more!</p>