Dare I go down this somewhat slippery slope?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I posted this in another forum, but since this conflict involves my dad, I figured it'd be nice to get some parental opinions.</p>

<p>All right. College consultants, coaches, whatever you want to call them. Up 'til today, I've been against them. I still am, though only to an extent. Here's the thing.</p>

<p>I honestly don't think I need one, and I don't want one. I really, truly only want to get in on my own merit. The most help I want to get is maybe send the essay to people whose opinions I respect and ask them if my essay makes sense.</p>

<p>But my parents recently received contact information for a college coach who's supposed to help with the essay. My dad really wants me to try it out. I gave him all my arguments over dinner, and he blew up at me. He's doing what he always does when he gets mad; he holes himself up in some room, and occasionally, when he's thought up of a good argument, comes to holler at me and then tell me to not even speak to him the moment he's done hollering at me. There is absolutely no talking to him about this rationally; the damage has already been done.</p>

<p>His arguments are: 1) If I don't like the advice, I don't have to take it, and he's willing to spend the money, 2) He doesn't want me losing any opportunities, and 3) It doesn't hurt to do it.</p>

<p>I just feel that I'm going to be in danger the moment she starts voicing her opinions about my essay. I really don't want to be influenced in any way, and I just know that when she starts to say something like, "Your point of view here...," that opinion is going to get stuck in my head and drive me crazy. I've chosen a topic unique to me, and it's very, very personal. I want to be in control of who reads my essay. And, after all, I'm the one applying to college.</p>

<p>I don't want my dad ripping up five 100-dollar bills in his fury, but I don't want to compromise my integrity either because if I go with this thing, I'll always have the secret knowledge of what I did.</p>

<p>Maybe I'm being paranoid and should just do it?</p>

2

<p>Do really think GWB writes his own speeches? OK, not a fair comparison.</p>

<p>But GWB really doesn't write his own speeches. He's too slow of a writer, his thoughts are too jumbled, and he's too dexlexic to read his own writing. </p>

<p>Look at it as an expensive proof read. All things counted, cost is not much, can't hurt, and much to gain.</p>

3

<p>Demeter:</p>

<p>Is the coach only going to comment on the essay? If so, tell him there are parents on CC who are willing to do it for free.</p>

4

<p>Spend the money and use CCer. You may get some wise guy like me who has no account with CCers.</p>

<p>Son used a MIT phd and a MS English to review his essay.</p>

5

<p>My D's college counselor did not make suggestions about the subject matter. She edited it, and encouraged her to stress certain aspects. The essay is supposed to reflect something you feel strongly about. It sounds like he just wants you to listen to what the person says, if you like the advice, take it. It sounds reasonable to me. But I would explain to your dad in a rational way, like you have to us, your ambiguity about the subject, and how you want the essay to be in your own voice. If, when you go to the meeting, it doesn't feel right, your dad should be open to your opinion about that. He does want want he thinks is best for you. Good luck.</p>

6

<p>Lawd, demeter:</p>

<p>If you have at least one nice English Teacher, they would read it for free. Or even a nice History Teacher would. </p>

<p>In my opinion, demeter, you seem to only need a nice proofreader of sorts. </p>

<p>Good luck. Maybe you can speak with a nice member of your place of worship? Or even the parent of one of your friends you trust a lot? That way you will not have "stuff" sticking in your head.</p>

7

<p>It certainly looks to me like the OP needs no help in the writing department. :) Nor in the motivation department. :) This is often where college coaches come in handy. What we really have is a family issue here, though, and I'm not sure we can help, since you portray your dad as someone unwilling to listen. I sympathize about that, and so maybe the key is helping you figure out a way to put him in the frame of mind to listen to your views. If you can do that, I certainly agree with marite - several of us here on cc review and comment on essays for free. He could spend that money to help you in other ways.</p>

<p>OTOH, if you do find yourself meeting with the coach, you do not need to compromise your integrity by doing so. As your dad says, listen to the ideas, incorporate the ones you find valuable. In particular, make sure you are not wedded to a topic that might not work well for you. If your dad knows your planned topic, perhaps he fears that it is headed in the wrong direction. He might possibly be right. Be open-minded.</p>

8

<p>I've read many of the parents' posts on here and respect them. However, while my father knows in the back of his mind that I go to a college discussion forum for information and opinions, he has never trusted what I present to him. I think I'll really just get in more trouble if I tell him that people, even parents who've done it before, will do it for free. He views this opportunity in the same way itstoomuch does (which I can understand, but I just have different feelings), and will definitely argue, "But you don't really know who's reading your essay, and plus, these college coaches are professionals!"</p>

<p>After having cooled down a bit, I think I just might give it a go and do my best to ignore the advice if I don't see any advantage to it. I asked a friend about this, and she said that if I go in with clear objectives and ask the college coach to respect them, then maybe I won't feel so bad about it.</p>

<p>I just don't want to cheapen my college essay, if that makes any sense. And I hope I haven't offended anyone who has used one.</p>

9

<p>Missed several posts in the process of typing up the last one. Sorry about that. (:</p>

<p>I think we both may have overreacted to this. I'm so afraid that when I get into college, I'll flounder and then think, "Oh geez, I never deserved to be here in the first place!"</p>

<p>"If your dad knows your planned topic, perhaps he fears that it is headed in the wrong direction."</p>

<p>That's a good point. My parents and I agreed that I'll show them my essay when I'm ready, whether it's before or after applications are due (at least they have that much confidence in my writing abilities). I guess he's trying to put someone in control of my writing where he has none. I tried reassuring him that I picked a topic unique to me, but to no avail.</p>

10

<p>I'm assuming that you are a high school senior. I have one (a HS senior) as well. What I keep telling her is: At this point in your college search is a time to be keeping all your options open -- certainly not limiting them."<br>
Go for it. Listen to the college coach's advice, and then decide.</p>

11

<p>Even Olympic athletes use coaches.</p>

<p>Is any part of the concern that you don't want your parents knowing what's in your essay (or hearing about it from a stranger, at least)? If so, it might help to set up some ground rules about that. You could also set up ground rules about what kind of feedback you want and don't want, so that you could get some benefit from the coach without having to worry about your process being corrupted.</p>

12

<p>What I am hearing is that your Dad is really worried about college applications. He's trying to help. I would advise my child to accept my husband's generous offer... and to thank him for it ... and then let her work out just how much assistance to accept from the coach.</p>

13

<p>"You could also set up ground rules about what kind of feedback you want and don't want, so that you could get some benefit from the coach without having to worry about your process being corrupted."</p>

<p>Yes, that's what I do plan on doing. Now, as soon as I apologize to my dad and convince him to not rip up that money...</p>

<p>I hope I haven't come across as a whiny kid clinging on to a skewed sense of morals. (: Or maybe I am one.</p>

14

<p>Demeter:</p>

<p>I very much respect your wish to present yourself in the most truthful way possible. It is so much the reverse of what we read about packaged students!</p>

<p>There are several things here. It is a good idea to write several different essays then choose the one(s) that best capture who you are and seem the best written. It is also absolutely okay for someone else to read your essay and comment on it--not to rewrite it. Sometimes teachers do it, sometimes parents do it, and sometimes outsiders do it, whether for a fee or not.
Some parents say they have brainstorm with their kids on what to write; often kids have trouble coming up with a theme that will best showcase their personality, so the parent (or teacher or coach) might try to elicit an anecdote, a vignette that the kid could write on. </p>

<p>As for your self-confidence, as long as the essay is still yours and has not been doctored by the coach, then you should feel confident that if admitted, you will be able to handle the work. From your post, you sound like a pretty talented person!</p>

15

<p>How about this wisdom: If you try to do it alone. You may do it alone. </p>

<p>You may find that college will often force you to work in groups and without those groups there will not be enough time and enough thinking to accomplish the task. The group is to help and develope not alter your thinking, much as you are consulting on CC. </p>

<p>My oldman used to say: If its free, take it. If someone offers to pay, take it. You can always say no later, as long as everyone knows the ground rules...Basic Rule of Humanity.</p>

16

<p>"Is any part of the concern that you don't want your parents knowing what's in your essay (or hearing about it from a stranger, at least)?"</p>

<p>Partly, yes. My parents sometimes tell their friends or my other relatives things that I'd rather keep to myself, or be kept to the family. For example, when I moved in eighth grade, I was totally okay with it until the night we moved in. Then I sat in my new closet and cried for half an hour. My mom told some family friends about it. I told her afterwards that I wasn't comfortable with her telling them such things, but she kind of dismissed it by saying that they're close friends, so it's okay.</p>

<p>My opinion is totally biased, but I think my parents have a tendency to just dismiss my feelings. They'll listen to me when I voice them, but my dad usually talks over me and shows me the many different ways in which, if I take his advice, I won't feel the way I do.</p>

<p>I don't want them to jokingly make fun of me for my subject matter. My father tends to jokingly make fun of me a lot, so yeah, there's the crux of the problem. (I think it's one of the ways in which he expresses concern or frustration.) In any case, we're not an emotionally open family.</p>

17

<p>marite & itstoomuch - Thanks for the insight. (: I'm going to talk to this coach.</p>

18

<p>Demeter - listen to any advice given, but remember it is YOU who pushes the submit button and/or mails the envelope. In other words, you may be getting more advice than you want, but you control the application. Good luck!</p>

19

<p>If you feel the subject matter is sensitive, write a different essay for the coach. If you are applying to any colleges that don't use the common app, you will probably have to write on at least one other prompt, anyway - so its good to be prepared with a couple of topics. Your parents don't have to know which essay you actually submit.</p>

20

<p>Tell your dad that some of the best free CC editors are, in fact, full professors at top universities, including Ivies. Others are parents whose own children have submitted very successful Ivy applications. Then show him the list of CC admissions from 2005 and 2006. </p>

<p>Finally, even if he hollers, you don't have to take his advice. He'll get over it. Or he won't. Bullies tend to holler to get their own way. You don't have to be bullied. Either way, what a great way to learn to stick to your own convictions.</p>