<p>Hello! So I am a senior currently applying to college, and don't know where else to turn. I am having such a power struggle with one of my parents over applications and wanted your opinions.
My Dad is basically trying to take over the whole process and I'm really worried about it. He refused to negotiate with me on the college list (he basically gave me a list of schools and refused to add ones I wanted or delete ones I didn't want). He threatened that if I didn't add exactly these he would come and stand in my school's counseling office all day and raise hell until I added them.
He is also writing most of my essays for me, AGAINST my will. Whenever I write a draft of anything, he reads it and insults it, then writes his own version and forces me to use it. For example, I finally finished my personal statement this past week, and my college counselor loves it. My dad read it and started screaming at me, then spent all day writing his own version and now is refusing to let me merge the two (at the minimum) or change it. He is convinced that his version is perfect but it sounds like an adult wrote it or a teenager wrote it and is going out of their way to sound sophisticated. I don't want him to write essays for me, and I am worried that they don't sound like I wrote them. I really want to talk to my counselor about this, but I am worried about my dad's reaction and that people will think I want him to write things.
My dad also thinks he has the most expertise in the process, not my counselor. My dad did interviews last year for the school he went to (Ivy league) and now keeps saying that he is an "admissions official" and knows more. Usually his opinions are opposite those of my counselor, which scares me.
He is mad that I am not more grateful to him, but I don't want him to completely run over me in the process. I want his help and advice, but I don't want him to act like he is now. Whenever I try to bring this up he just screams at me more and talks about how he won't stop "for my own good".
But most of all, I'm worried that down the line when I get accepted into schools he will ignore the ones that I want to go to and just send in the down payment on his favorite schools without telling me. He has made it very clear he thinks he has the biggest say in where I attend.
Would love to know what you guys think I can do/should do. Any help or opinions would be much appreciated. Sorry this is so long, didn't mean for it to be.Thanks~</p>
<p>A year ago SEPTEMBER, you were inquiring about Stanford SCEA. And now you are a HS senior? Please explain.</p>
<p>Hello! Yes I created this account a year ago thinking ahead. Was just curious about my chances, as I had done a summer course there and loved it but was scared about my chances. Was worried about getting my hopes up too much. Didn’t end up applying early this year.</p>
<p>What’s Dad shooting for? Most selective, best financial aid or a mix? Are his choices actually strong in what you want to study or is he guiding that, too?</p>
<p>He is shooting for most selective, and highest ranked on most of the “top colleges” lists. Basically he wants me to apply to mostly Ivies. Although I agree with him on some of the choices, some just wouldn’t fit me (like Columbia’s core curriculum for example) but he still wants me to apply just based on reputation/fame.</p>
<p>Well, the selection problem may not be insurmountable, but he can’t write your essays for you. That’s almost certain failure. Maybe you can go for him just editing the essays you choose to write.</p>
<p>I agree about the essays and I’m scared that he’s hurting my chances. But every time I try to approach him about this and talk to him he shuts me down and gets angry. He refuses to just edit. Any tips from the parental POV on how I can approach this? I always try to go in calm, but we never get anywhere in terms of compromising.</p>
<p>It seems like a good plan is one of compromise. You agree to put good effort into some of his choices and he lets you apply to some you want to. I would point out, in advance, that it really is in your best interests to work as hard on his choices as on yours. Once the dust settles and you have some admits, you guys can battle over the final choice.</p>
<p>As far as the essays go however, you should point out to him that universities, particularly the selective ones, are going to be very adept at matching essays with applicants. You have to put your heart into them and they have to correspond. You will get some admissions with him ghostwriting, but you will get a more selective admission if it is your own work. And, after all, he gets to edit. Presumably, he can do that in a way which still retains the flavor, yet polishes the writing quality.</p>
<p>Thanks, I will try my best to get a compromise and stress that it would actually help me to write my own essays. Hopefully he will listen this time.</p>
<p>Good luck. I presume that he isn’t against allowing review of the essays by some of the traditional assistance like guidance counselors, English teachers, etc.? Do I presume too much?</p>
<p>He is half and half. I can usually convince him but he likes to be the sole reviewer a lot too, because he knows he usually has different opinions from my counselor </p>
<p>Sorry you are going through these conflicts. It must be really stressful. I know young people today are told they have choices, and worked hard for choices, and should get to make decisions. Understand that has not always been the perspective. When I was preparing for college, it was made clear by my dad that I could only apply to and attend one university, his alma mater. And that’s exactly what I did, because that’s what he would pay for. Later on, for graduate school that I paid for myself with loans and scholarships, I applied where I wanted to go and studied what I wanted to study. Isn’t there some logic to that? It sounds like your dad will be paying for your education, and that he is not stingy about it and will make sure you can go to the fanciest university you can get into. Don’t turn down the free gold and diamond ring because you wanted wanted one with platinum and sapphires. </p>
<p>If your dad writes a bad essay to apply to a college you don’t even want to attend, and you are rejected, isn’t that a blessing? And no one to blame but him? Great! Let him write whatever he wants to write for all those universities you are not interested in anyway, and hope that you are rejected. See if you can figure out another way besides him to pay for applications to places you really want to attend, and submit those with your own essays before your dad has a chance to look at them. Maybe when the offers come in you can both agree on a place.</p>
<p>It sounds like rank and prestige are very important to him. Figure out what else is most important. Big city? Easy direct flight home? Try to find places and programs that meet his top needs as well as your top needs. And realize that when he is footing the bill, his needs/wants may just come first. Try to find something you like about all of his favorite places in case you wind up attending one of them. They can’t be that bad, or they wouldn’t be sought after by thousands of students clamoring to get in and driving the rankings up and up. Yet still get in applications to your own favorites somehow in case you are rejected by all the highly competitive universities that have to defer most qualified applicants.</p>
<p>Thanks for replying. I definitely see the logic in playing along for undergrad and then following my own choices for grad school, and something like this will probably end up happening. It’s probably worth it if I get in somewhere good and he is willing to help me pay. And I see your point in letting him write bad essays to schools I don’t want to go to. I think I am mostly concerned that he will affect my chances at schools that I do want to go to. </p>
<p>Ha Ha. The excellent part is that he will probably want to be the writer for the essays at the ones he likes and you aren’t so hot on.</p>
<p>Is there another parent in your family who can reason with your dad? If not, is there ANYONE that your Dad respects that you can call on to be your advocate in this? While it might not be bad to have “Dad’s essay” get you rejected at some of your lesser college picks, it sounds like he will not stop until he has ruined your chances at every college you apply to.</p>
<p>I am a parent, and I am a strong believer in obeying your parents and listening to their wisdom, so it hurts me to say you might consider going around your dad on this one. This is such a major decision, and it would be sad to be rejected everywhere because your dad wrote all your essays. Admissions Counselors are not stupid, and they have experience weeding out essays not written by the student.</p>
<p>If at all possible, can you be the one who physically (or digitally) turns in/mails the application? That would give you the opportunity to insert the essay that you have written (and had proofed by your guidance counselor or teachers).</p>
<p>Or apply on your own to a college not of his choosing, so you have a good chance of being accepted with a truthful application?</p>
<p>It sounds like your dad is never going to listen to you, that you don’t have much of a chance of changing his mind. Parents do have a lot of say in what they are willing and able to pay for, but the student’s chance of success in college is increased if the student is part of the discussion too.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you as you struggle through this process.</p>
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<p>The problem is, he has absolute veto power over your college choices until you are 24 years old, married, or a military veteran, due to either paying for it, and/or cooperation on financial aid paperwork, unless you get a full ride merit scholarship somewhere (like from <a href=“http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/”>http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/</a> ). Even in the latter case, he can probably apply other kinds of parental pressure or abuse while you are still living at home (e.g. threats to disown you, refusal to sign any matriculation paperwork if you are not 18 by May 1, refusal to help with deposit money, etc.). So, from his point of view, there is no short term reason for him to compromise on anything. Of course, he is doing long term damage to your relationship with him.</p>
<p>What may be more important is if he is willing to pay the cost of the college he is choosing for you, or if he wants to stick you with a lot of debt. Some parents apparently do the latter, which is very mean-spirited. Another potential problem is if you get shut out of all colleges. In that case, will he blame himself, or subject you to more abuse because he sees you as “unworthy”?</p>
<p>I would consider this falsification of your application, for which colleges could withdraw an acceptance. I’m not sure whether they also might rescind a diploma should this ghostwriting ever come to light. You might want to look into this.</p>
<p>He has every right to dictate which colleges you may apply to, unless you are planning on paying for it yourself. It’s his money and he can buy what he pleases with it. But he doesn’t have any right to force you to falsify your application. </p>
<p>I think what’s important now is to convince your dad to let you write your own essays with his input. He is not skilled enough to make those essays sound like you. Some students do hire college counselors to help them with their application and essays, but those counselors are very experienced that they make sure student’s voice actually comes through. I would tell your dad that adcoms sometimes compare your writing test scores with your essays to determine if you received extra help with your essays. Those adcoms read so many essays it is easy for them to spot essays not written by students. </p>
<p>My brother was trying to do what your father is doing to my nephew few years back. My brother’s essay sounded like a corporate report. He used words no teenager would ever use. I told him to back off, and because my daughter got into the college he wanted his son to go to, he listened to me. Why don’t you invite an adult your dad likes (respects) to read both of your essays without the knowledge of who wrote it, then ask this adult if he/she could tell who wrote the essay and which one was better.</p>
<p>As far as who gets to pick you college, I don’t see it as big of an issue. Cry me a river if you should be so lucky to get into one of those ivies. But it would be really sad if you should get rejected by all of those top tier schools and your dad didn’t let you apply to some match or safety schools. Tell your dad that it actually happens.</p>
<p>When my son prepared his applications, his HS GC put it all together and sent it in. We never saw the final packet. Couldn’t your GC add your essay in place of your Dad’s one? How would your Dad even know it was switched?</p>
<p>I’m not trying to tell you to disobey your parents, but sometimes parents are just plain wrong. I’m so against parents’ writing the essays and getting way too involved in the process. </p>
<p>Most people submit online via common application. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s father has access to his account.</p>