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It's not her job to be considerate of your finances.... its her job to find and get admitted to a school that meets her needs given the financial limitations set for her (and with her...).
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<p>I respectfully disagree. When I was looking at schools, the first thing I looked at was cost versus merit aid (my family would have qualified for roughly half the cost of an elite school in aid but would have stretched to pay it). My parents made it clear that the college search, including the cost, was my job (though they did kindly pay application fees and took me to visit a few of the schools. :)). I just went by "the lower, the better."</p>
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Make sure your d knows exactly how much you are willing to pay for her education and that any incremental will be paid by her.
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<p>Please do do this! My parents refused to give me estimates on what we could afford and then balked at the sticker price of some of schools I was admitted to. </p>
<p>Mizzou-mom,
What was the cost differential between the state school and $24k. In many states, in-state tuition, fees, room, and board come to $20k-$25k!</p>
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its her job to find and get admitted to a school that meets her needs given the financial limitations set for her (and with her...).
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<p>Question...what exactly do you disagree with? You go on to say that your parents refused to discuss the finances and the balked at the sticker price. The above comment says "meets her needs given the financial limitations set for her (and with her)"...meaning that this family SHOULD discuss and set the financial parameters WITH the kid. Isn't that what you WISHED your parents had done?</p>
<p>Maybe the problem isn't the 3 ivy or ivy-like reaches, but rather the lack of matches that give merit $. If $ is a concern at all, I might push for that.</p>
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...what exactly do you disagree with? You go on to say that your parents refused to discuss the finances and the balked at the sticker price. The above comment says "meets her needs given the financial limitations set for her (and with her)"...meaning that this family SHOULD discuss and set the financial parameters WITH the kid.
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<p>I do think the kid/student should take into account finances, even if the family can technically afford more.</p>
<p>Maybe if I had said she needs to make the case that the school is a "good fit," rather than "special" . . .. The point is she should put some thought into what would make a school good for her. Why spend a lot of money (mine or hers or anybody's) for a school that is not a good fit? Anybody can make a list that is HYPSM or all the Ivies. A list like that could be ideal for some students (maybe including my D), but it raises questions about what kind of thought went into the list and is heavy on reaches. I don't think it is too much to ask "why school x?" I won't withhold funding, but I will ask her to answer that question.</p>
<p>Though I was a little surprised and frustrated by the addition of Ivy 3, it wasn't completely out-of-the-blue or without thought. I was hoping that the late additions would be matches with merit aid.</p>
<p>I appreciate the many thoughtful responses-- perhaps particularly the ones that reflected some degree of agreement or sympathy, but also the ones that took me to task for being arbitrary. I'm not as bad as I sound, and I think my daughter knows that. But I do need to check control tendencies and what kind of message I send.</p>
<p>No, you are not so bad. You are just like the rest of us, we get frustrated when we feel out of control. I wish I could have convinced all the adcoms on how wonderful my daughter was and how lucky they would have been to have her at their schools, and finance wouldn't be an issue.</p>
<p>I am sure your daughter appreciate everything you are doing for her. This is a scary process, for both you and her. In the back of your mind you are probably also thinking about what it's going to be like next Sept when she leaves home.</p>
<p>Our point of view was opposite that of Jnm in post 16. It was easy for us to tell S what we'd pay as a gift. He was allowed to go to any school that accepted him, but he knew a dollar figure to expect from us. Whether our gift paid 10%, 50%, or 110%, the choice was his.</p>
<pre><code>As a side note, our gift paid about 80%. After grad, we will probably surprise him by chipping in a bit toward his loan, but that will be relatively small, and on an irregular basis as we can/will afford.
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<p>The added Ivy was the one she got into. She’s visiting now. I hope she has strong feeling one way or the other when she gets home. If she thinks she would like the experience of going (considering student body, extra-curriculars, city, curriculum, etc.) there roughly the same, I would hope she would give weight to cost and choose St. Olaf. She has been there twice and likes it very much. But I think she would be inclined to give more weight to perceived academic quality/ reputation/ name recognition (she would deny being swayed by “prestige”) and lean toward the Ivy.</p>
<p>I think it’s reasonable to say you’re willing to pay X amount for one school and Y for another. It’s your bucks. Especially if there’s some extra added value. For instance, you might be willing to pay $25,000 for Syracuse (hoping that child gets merit scholarship) but would be willing to pay $50,000 for Amherst, which would be intimate and prestigious. Different schools have different values, not just for the student, but the parent as well. That’s why I wouldn’t just say, “I’m willing to pay X dollars.”</p>