Daughter Hates Her Matches And Safeties

<p>Heron: I totally agree with your post #220!</p>

<p>In addition to what several of us have said (give this task back to your daughter, OP) I'd suggest you put a time limit on it as well. For example, I'd offer her a few of the schools that have been mentioned here-- (too bad you can't let her read the whole thread) and tell her your work is done. This is now her job, and you expect her to have her identified safety schools (you said 2-3) selected by "X" date. She, you and all of us are expending too much time, energy and stress on this. Time to nip it in the bud. If she does well with deadlines with schoolwork, this should be manageable for her. If she doesn't, this will be a learning experience for her. You should let it go and have a glass of wine. She can research on the web, talk to her counselor or do whatever she needs to do (except perhaps for asking her friends' opinions), as long as she meets the deadline you establish. Time to set some limits, IMO. If we are all this weary, the OP must be too.</p>

<p>Repeating from post 209 and 220:

[quote]
Maybe it is time to just let her take ownership of this process and do her own research and make her own decisions so you arent the bad guy and you arent wasting your time and energy?? .....
At some point the kid has to figure it out for herself. I get that the problem is, in part, that she is having a hard time doing that. But there's a freneticism here on your part that suggests that you are taking on way too much of the process

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Ok, ok--- one last thought. When my kids did their college research, they got much more excited about schools when they researched them and discovered things about the schools that excited them than when we did the legwork for them.</p>

<p>I can understand OP's D's opposition to other DC schools -- we have the same dynamic here. S2 is very specific about which DC schools he would consider and frankly, there is a limited universe of DC schools we'd be willing to pay for vs. UMD.</p>

<p>Most of S1's friends couldn't wait to get out of the DC area, and that "DC area" range includes Baltimore. There is an intense, pressure-filled academic culture here, which has the advantage of offering some great opportunities. It can also burn out a kid who earns B+/A- grades in this pressure cooker (and who would be an academic superstar in many other parts of the country) and who feels he/she can NEVER measure up.</p>

<p>Cindy, at the end of the day, you can lead your D to websites but she has to read and mull over them. She needs to resolve in her mind that she will get a wonderful academic and social experience at many, many schools. It can be very hard for seniors to realize that despite four years of busting their tails to reach for the brass ring, the rewards are not automatic. The rewards will be intrinsic, not extrinsic.</p>

<p>Am living this one at home right now. Sigh.</p>

<p>Whew!!</p>

<p>I'm back from my errands. You guys have been busy!! :)</p>

<p>I sympathize with everyone who has taken the time to write. I mean, I've given you sketchy information, and then I've rejected (or ignored, due to space considerations) many thoughtful and heartfelt recommendations. "What's my problem?" you might be thinking. Or saying right out loud! :)</p>

<p>There's no problem. This thread has gone quite well. I started thinking the answer to the problem might be to "buy more lottery tickets," as someone above wisely put it. Now, I feel the best approach is to find new options for D, explore them together, and look for the positive to the extent we can. That, to corrupt an Obama line, is "Progress We Can Believe In."</p>

<p>On some level, you guys are just going to have to trust me. I have critical information you do not have, and I also know my kid. For instance, I gave you the list of applications and the list of schools that have been tossed in the trash. What I have not given you is the substance of every discussion of every school you have suggested. So when someone says "Lehigh" and I reply with "We're not interested in Lehigh!," that is because I know D disliked the area so much she wouldn't even set foot on the campus. There has been a lot of research and discussion already, which is why some things have been ruled out. Do not take as evidence that you have not been helpful, because you most definitely have.</p>

<p>Anyway, I have to smile at the post that observed that kids are perfectly willing to go to whatever elementary, middle and high school they are told to attend, but they wig out when it is time to go to college.</p>

<p>I can assure you that if we were expected to pay $50,000 a year to attend this public high school, we'd be shopping around! :)</p>

<p>Oh. And why not Univ of Miami? Ya got me. I have been pushing that one from the get-go, on the theory that it fits her "If I can't go to Brown, I want to have some fun" criterion, and the counselors agree. It was just too far to visit; we had to draw the line somewhere. She has it in her head that it will be Blonde Culture and she will not fit in. I've decided to drop it. On account of how my D is clearly insane!!</p>

<p>I have found this discussion very interesting and feel the suggestions given will benefit others searching for college ideas. Sharing your story and frustration helps other parents and seniors going through the process know that they are not alone in their frustration/confusion. I would appreciate it if you could continue to update on the 2/3 colleges that your daughter agrees to add to her list and ask that you revive this thread in April to share the results as many others could benefit from your experience. Thanks!</p>

<p>There was a thread a while back (I can't recall the exact name and I can't seem to find it) about the silliest reasons for rejecting schools. It was very funny and might be fun ( and reassuring) to re-read in light of the OPs daughters struggles. Anyone remember the name of the thread?</p>

<p>MiniVan, consider it a promise.</p>

<p>Jym, I can't remember the name of the thread, but I did enjoy it. The one thing that I can recall from it was the aversion to Skidmore and Colgate for the obvious name-association reasons. </p>

<p>I have to admit to being so shallow that those schools bother me for those reasons!</p>

<p>One more thought -- I haven't read all the posts here, so forgive me if I am repeating advice someone else already offered -- but I'd suggest buying a copy of Colleges that Change Lives and leaving it laying around in a strategic place in the house. (wherever daughter is sure to see it). I really think that it changed my son's perspective on what to look for in a college way back when -- and it does have a good list of schools that are probably in the "match" range.</p>

<p>yawn (#206), I hear you. The only school DD visited before her application was WashU. Ds might get one trip to visit DD next Spring and one more trip in summer. Visiting more schools than you could apply is definitely not on our book nor our checkbook.</p>

<p>


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<p>Fit is not necessarily proportionate to selectivity. My son eliminated some highly selectives and fell in love with two safeties. They just fit. The key factor in his attraction was the visit. Before visiting they were just safeties, less selectives which in many young minds equate to "I'm not going to like them." After visiting the abstract became real people and he could visualize himself attending either of these schools without regrets. They were full of kids like him.</p>

<p>In the end he was admitted to his ED choice (which was a reach) and never looked back. But I feel strongly it was the time and effort he -- and we -- put in to identify, research and visit the less selectives that kept us sane throughout the process. </p>

<p>I'm not sure that I agree that the OP's daughter should eschew EDII -- as long as one of her top 3 or so offers it. The fact that she's ambivalent could also be viewed as one is just as good as another. EDII may just give her the boost that she needs to avoid the dread safety and put her over the top at a reach or a high match. At least in retrospect she would have given it her best shot.</p>

<p>We've both read "Colleges That Change Lives" and a few other similar books. It has been a while, so I am mostly left with my vague recollection of it. </p>

<p>I wasn't blown away. I can see why it has value for some people, maybe many people, but I put it down feeling like, "Dang, we're setting the bar kinda low here, aren't we?" The negatives of the schools seemed to me to have been severely glossed, and the positives played up to the point of losing credibility to me. It just didn't feel very balanced to me, kind of like when you visit a tourism website that is written in a way that could make a maximum security prison sound like a private get-away. Then you go there and are overcome with regret when you hear, "<em>CLANG!</em>":)</p>

<p>Gawd, I hope I am recalling the right book . . . . Did it have a part that dissed the heck out of the value of an Ivy education?</p>

<p>A lot happens between fall and spring. I have known kids who ended up at their safety schools even when accepted to match and reach schools. One of my sons did. My third child considered it. Sometimes merit money and other factors might make a big difference in the decision. THe headmaster of our school was all set to write the check to BC when his D announced that she wanted to go to Providence because of the merit money. I would have never thought one young lady we know would be commuting rather than going away to school, but a great part time job opportunity, the desire for a car, a nice scholarship and finding the perfect program at a safety school clinched the deal. Especially after her orginal first choice school would not let her take a combo of courses and some other deal breakers arose. You just never know. My son's friend visited URichmond and came back with the hoodie and it was now at the top of his list after wanting to go to Boston the entire year. You just can't tell with kids.</p>

<p>lol! ;)

[quote]
I wasn't blown away. I can see why it has value for some people, maybe many people, but I put it down feeling like, "Dang, we're setting the bar kinda low here, aren't we?" The negatives of the schools seemed to me to have been severely glossed, and the positives played up to the point of losing credibility to me. It just didn't feel very balanced to me, kind of like when you visit a tourism website that is written in a way that could make a maximum security prison sound like a private get-away. Then you go there and are overcome with regret when you hear, "<em>CLANG!</em>"

[/quote]
My feelings exactly when I read it!!!!
Back to the schools...</p>

<p>You know, I did not like the book much when I first read it. And I kind of resented the way the college counselors jumped on the band wagon for it. But now, years later, I see the value of the book. What it did is bring a narrative description of some schools that did not make the Fiske's or Princeton 300 books. Some of these schools have been local gems for years. Those who were associated with the schools or lived near them, valued them, but those who did not had never heard of these schools, and kids who may have enjoyed a wonderful experience in a small school but did not have the stats to get into a well known one would just not have the opportunity. </p>

<p>I know a few kids who went to some of those schools who would have otherwise stayed local and gone to schools that were not as deeply entrenched in the liberal arts. They gained quite a big going to schools like Allegheny, Wooster, Juniata, to name a few that i remember off the top of my head. These were kids that would have been nosed out of schools that had the names as they were a bit too selective, and would not have made the jump to look at schools outside of the known zone.</p>

<p>I agree that Pope did not give a balanced description of the schools. To this day, I wish there were volumes of Fiskes and other such narrative descriptions of every single college out there. There are hundreds of descriptions and opinions of HPY, and other schools where more kids just want to get in than want to know about the school as reputation has preceded them. It's when you are looking at the Elons, Otterbeins, Augustanas, Lawrences, Hartwicks that you need more information than the US News, Petersons, or College Board fatbooks have to tell you. There is little about the souls of such schools.</p>

<p>momrath-
Re post# 231- Thank you (and thank you cptofthehouse) for reiterating the point I was making. Kids often fall in love with their safeties, and select one over match or reach schools. Some kids will "fit" into many schools, and others find the perfect or near perfect "fit". To focus only, or predominantly on the match/reach schools has the potential to be shortsighted.</p>

<p>I have two sons who turned down Cornell. Just did not like the school. H still fumes about it as both school were state subsidized. My older son did not like Georgetown, turned down BC. My third son did not even want to apply to BC. These are all very hot schools around here. My son chose a "what?" college.</p>

<p>Edited to make it look like Jeopardy! What does BC stand for?</p>

<p>Thanks jym626! I was feeling bad that I didn't even know what a "hot" college was!</p>

<p>Boston College</p>

<p>^^ HAHAHAHA I love when that happens and posts get out of order-- Looks clairvoyant</p>