Daughter is driving us insane with indecision

Parent Cafe
1

She is generally very well adjusted, has lots of friends, did very well in high school, etc. but has always had a problem making up her mind. She was accepted to American University, which was her first choice from the beginning. She’s since had other opportunities which she rejected for one reason or another.

The latest is U. of Richmond, where she was offered a place off the waiting list. In my mind and my husband’s, there is very little reason to go to Richmond instead of AU because AU has the academic programs she likes (International Relations, Communications, etc.). Her objection to AU (which she just mentioned this week) is that it isn’t as well ranked as Richmond and that the people she knows from her high school who are going to American are slackers and don’t work hard.

We’ve told her that if we thought academic reputation was the most important thing, we would have told her to go to Braindeis (where she was also accepted) and that there would be plenty of smart and hard-working people at AU, and that she would probably be one of the top students and stand out more. (She was in the 75% of people who applied). AU is also a lot more expensive than U. Richmond and other schools, we decided to send her there anyway because it has more of what she’s interested in and has more opportunities for internships than other schools.

She is now crying and very upset because she doesn’t know what to do. This has been going on with one school or another (Brandeis, Case Western, and now Richmond) for weeks. It seems like she is grasping at straws in terms of what she ‘should’ do and doesn’t want to choose either school. I think maybe the problem is going to college in general, which is odd because she’s been looking forward to moving from our area (not too far – the schools are a 1-hour plane flight or 6-8 hour drive) and as said has had a very successful high school career and has always seemed very happy.

I have no trouble deciding for her as does my husband, but she insists that she doesn’t want that (she said a couple of times that she did, but then changed her mind). I can’t figure out why, when she liked AU so much, she is now torn. I guess it’s not the school but college itself. My dh and I have been very (I think overly) sympathetic, helpful, etc. but no matter what we do or say it’s not right.

I’m not sure if there’s any advice for this, I’m mostly just venting. The final deadline to decide about Richmond is tonight. I hope she doesn’t get off any more waitlists b/c I don’t think I can deal with this much more. We’re trying not to stress about it by getting out of the house, but whenever we come it’s like doom.

BTW this is our youngest child, our older daughter struggled with the decision also but not to this extent. She chose business at Northeastern because of the coop program (which was not the first choice of dh and me) but got what she wanted out of the program and had a successful college career. Not sure what’s happened with this one.

2

@DragonBoatGirl you just posted my life as well! I’m at my wits end and definitely can’t say anything right with my youngest. Wish I had some sage advice for you but I’m certain many CCers will. At least it will sort itself soon thank goodness!

3

If Richmond hasn’t already, give her a deadline (or make one of your own). If she makes no decision by that point, she will attend American. I highly doubt the other kids that got into AU are slackers - she just doesn’t see them working as hard. And if they are, that just means she will do better than them. Let them be the small percentage that is the flip side of the retention rate.

4

I remember your other post—I would choose U Richmond over AU for any major and the fact that it is $80K less over 4 years would seal the deal.

U Richmond has majors in global studies and communications and although access to DC is of course easier with AU, it is certainly possible to get internships and jobs in DC from U Richmond. I don’t think it’s a given that AU would have more DC internships either, and they could be more competitive as there are probably relatively more AU students interested in international relations than there are at U Richmond. Good luck, it’s difficult living with teenagers ?

5

“The final deadline to decide about Richmond is tonight.”

Sounds like it will all come to and end shortly. I can sympathize with what you’ve been dealing with and it sounds like you and your husband have been excellent, patient parents.

It does sound like AU is a better fit for her interests, plus DC is a great place to go to college. It appears her peers are influencing her decision-making which is never helpful, IMO.

Hang in there this evening and report back on the final decision.

eta: Learning Richmond is $80K cheaper for your family, I’d have no problem with her making that choice. It’s a great school and that is a substantial savings.

6

I remember previous thread also and agree - if she’s genuinely torn then I would opt for Richmond and save the $80K for when she can’t decide between graduate schools! She’ll get an excellent education at any of these schools - and maybe needs to be reminded that this ISN’T a life or death choice. Any school is going to have its pluses and minuses - what she does there is what matters most. What is probably key is right now is that she takes command of her decision. She can look at school websites again, make a list of pros and cons - and then make a choice. Then you can all take a deep breath, celebrate, and make plans for a wonderful freshman year.

7

Hang in there @DragonBoatGirl ! I would personally recommend stepping back and away from the decision… letting her make the call and resigning yourself to her second-guessing that choice from now until August (or whenever schools starts). Once she’s in school, it should be fine because she will find a cohort of smart interesting kids either way. We dealt with some of this last year and as much as you want your kid to be over the moon happy about their great-fit school - some of them just aren’t and there’s very little parents can do but be patient, stay sane and try not to take it all to heart.

8

Good luck! I don’t have advice as my oldest is a junior, but he often has buyers remorse so I’m curious if this will be us next year. Just don’t let her start thinking about transferring, or this will never end!

9

I chuckle a little reading your post. A year ago we were in a similar boat. My son made up his mind. Then he went to orientation over the summer and came home very unhappy with his choice. At the final hour we put down another deposit on a different school (very large school…we called…they were willing to let him enroll). So there we were right before it was time to really pull the trigger and pay tuition and he had two deposits down and was very undecided.

I ended up deciding for him. He went to the original school. Freshman year is over - he loved it and everything went great. Couldn’t have gone better. A lot of people may disagree with this but I finally decided I knew what would be the best fit for my son and decided for him. It worked.

10

Oh, man, I would tell my kid, “Today is the deadline. Whatever decision you make, that’s it.”

11

They are both great schools. DC is a great place to live and location for her interests, but UR is awesome, too. Richmond is a great, small, foody, artsy city, with nice parks and museums, frequent festivals and concerts.

I have 2 recent URichmond grads, who loved their time there, did great academically and we really enjoyed our visits, too. One of the best things was the super small class sizes which helped them develop close relationships with their professors. They had great advising, and both did lab research starting freshman year, got great internships, studied abroad (70% of UR students do), and there were many wonderful study abroad options to choose from, with extra funding opportunities available, too.

UR has a very large endowment for its size, which allows the university to have well funded programs for students, as well as excellent merit and need based aid. The facilities and staff are top notch, and the dining hall is awesome, too.

I would be happy to answer any questions you may have about UR, from a parent’s perspective.

12

Sometimes they need a push for various reasons. Great that it worked out for him!

13

I’m of the opinion that the student needs to make this decision. Simply put…if it doesn’t work out…you parents don’t want to be blamed.

If the deadline is tonight…either she will commit to Richmond…or she will be attending American…right?

Let her own this decision…and timeline.

But do let us know what happens.

14

Richmond is a stronger school. At $80K cheaper, I’d encourage her in that direction.

15

People forget that for some subjects a university may be much higher regarded than overall. AU and GW are examples in IR. U of Cincinnati would be another example just in Clasics.

However, for 80k less, let her go to UR.

16

I’d stay out of it. She obviously liked something about AU for it to be her top choice from the start. To be influenced by where slackers at school are going is just silly - just school talk getting her to question her decision. There will be slackers at Richmond too.
I bet she sticks with AU.

17

I am sorry she is having trouble deciding. All I can say is Richmond is an excellent school and can give her everything she needs, including internships. Folks here have many connections in DC as well.

18

$80k difference, I know who would decide at this house ?. Hopefully, he/she wouldn’t stay mad at me. My dad really wanted our twins to visit URichmond, they thought it was too small.

19

Does she have social anxiety? My DD has anxiety and is terrrrrrrible about making decisions.
Consider having her evaluated.

I would advise;

  1. It doesn’t matter which is better ranked…which is better FOR HER
  2. It doesn’t matter what kids are going to various colleges…if she is “better” than them then she will do “better” than them at AU
  3. Right now you are going to AU. Of course you can change your mind, but we would like to know why you think Richmond would be a better fit for you with respect to your major, internship options, cost, how she fits in academically, location, etc.
  4. What would it take for her to feel comfortable with her decision?
20

If possible, I’d ask Richmond for an extension and go back for a visit. You think Richmond is best and it is cheaper, so worth the effort.