I just wanted to say that this wasn’t the impression we got from AU. Like the other DC colleges, a big advantage of the location is that students can do their internships in town during the school year. And I can’t see why study abroad would affect AU differently than other colleges. I think I missed the rationale for living off campus earlier in the thread, but of course that’s a personal decision and not an effect that happens because of the college itself.
I have gotten the underlying feeling through much of this that your daughter prefers AU but has felt she “should” choose Richmond because of some real or perceived higher ranking, rigor, whatever.
Yes, it’s time to play by the rules.
Teach her to trust whatever decision she makes and move on. The end.
I fear you’re teaching her to second guess, run over and over myriad details, doubt herself, take no action, out of fear it may not be 100% perfect. It’s no great lesson to decide by avoiding.
Never thought of AU as a commuter school or lacking discourse.
This isn’t about your past experiences.
Now you’re ok with Mon-Tues?
Not. I’d be waiting for her tonight, after prom, and prepared to show a lot of love for whatever decision. And tell her to email the rest that are hanging by noon tomorrow. “Just do it.” That’s the right lesson here.
Coming to a conclusion is also a better habit for your young adult to acquire OP. The decisions in college are often harder, more consequential, and need to be made much faster and with less information. Many employers give exploding offers for internships-take this one now, or its withdrawn in 3 days, even before you’ve interviewed with others, as one example. Getting physically sick over a lengthy choice between 2 good options is not okay, and does not bode well for the future.
@DragonBoatGirl On the graduating early issue, you said “I’m assuming she will be living in an off-campus apartment as most juniors/seniors will so having to leave a dorm won’t be an issue.”
You have this backwards. It will be easier if she is living in a dorm because she can sign up and pay for just the first semester. If she is living in an apt she will probably need to sign a one-year lease so it will be harder to get out of it.
When my son had to choose between high schools he was going back and forth
I finally gave him a deadline. That worked, he decided and it was a great experience.
Tell her she has to decide by Sunday night. No later and then this will be done.
No, it’s really not. There’s a person at the college waiting for a response. They expected it sometime today. They have other students they need to contact, and every family that “needs just a few more days” and then takes days beyond even that to respond delays them. Orientation is right around the corner and they have lots to do. The families on the waitlist deserve time to consider too. If every family takes an extra week or two to make a decision, it cuts down on the time other families have. It takes 2 minutes to write an email. If she’s chosen AU, why not let Richmond know right away?
From personal experience it seems like the OP’s daughter wants someone to make the decision for her in one form or another. I had the same thing happen to me 38 years ago almost to this date. Couldn’t decide between 2 schools - really was leaning towards one but the other school made more sense. Finally the principal forced my hand as he said that “on graduation day when we present this scholarship to you, it would really be nice if we knew which school you were going to use this scholarship for”. And that’s when I chose (the one that I was leaning towards for not necessarily the right reasons).
I think it is REALLY unfair to start moving the goal post to press her to graduate early. REALLY unfair. And no, the deadline was last night. Period. Done. Move on.
Strongly agree she should email Richmond this morning. She asked for an extension and shouldn’t ‘ghost’ them by just not replying until 3 or 4 days past the deadline.
Yes, they may move down the list this weekend anyway, but since they extended the courtesy of giving her more time to make a decision, she should return the favor by giving them her decision in a timely fashion. She should have done it by 5:00 pm yesterday, frankly.
Don’t mean to pile on, but I just feel like too often kids think it’s ALL about them. Take this opportunity to teach her to consider the others waiting for a slot and the admission staff working to fill their class.
This scenario is getting out of control. The family is enabling the daughter’s indecision.
No decision IS a decision and that decision is NO to UR. I truly hope what when the extension passed for UR, the college moved to the next applicant on the waitlist. Deadlines exist for a reason.
As far as staying on waitlists for other schools…why? Just to say you got in, but didn’t go? It’s very selfish to take a slot that you know you will turn down. Best to look at each school on the list and say, if I get in here, will I absolutely go? And if it’s not a definitive YES, have you D remove her name. Today.
OP- I can appreciate and respect your “we don’t tell you what to do” stance.
But right now, there’s a kid (maybe someone from your town, or state, or clear across the country) who had to put down a housing deposit at her “safety school” because HER parents gave her a June 1 deadline to commit, and she has not yet cleared the Richmond waiting list.
So go haul your D out of bed, and get her over to the computer to send a polite “thanks but no thanks” to Richmond. It is indulgent in the extreme to allow her to be non-responsive to Richmond after they extended her decision deadline. It is a breach of trust from your D to the Richmond Adcom’s.
And this is a lesson FAR more important than anything your D is going to learn in her college classes. She’s made a decision to go to AU, terrific. Now she does the adult things and sends off her polite “thanks but no thanks” email to Richmond, withdraws from her other waiting lists, and moves on.
You’ve been driven insane by her indecision- boy, you’ve got LOTS more insanity in your life down the road if you don’t draw a very clear line here. What happens when she’s deciding between three job offers, or has to withdraw from one fellowship competition in order to interview with another one (yes, some of the competitive programs do not allow you to be pursuing multiple fellowships simultaneously) or has to let Professor A know that she’s not TA’ing her class next semester because she’s waiting to hear back from Professor B?
If this decision was painful, wait until real life kicks in.
And graduating early? Why not let things settle down first? If she changes majors, she may not have the luxury of graduating early. If she goes overseas, she may not have the luxury of graduating early. And she may not want to graduate early-- whether or not she wants to hang with her cohort, she just may have four years worth of classes she intends to take.
I’m a little unclear from the thread. Did UR give you a specific time (like 5 pm Friday ET?). If so, I’d say it is rude to leave them hanging. If your D isn’t a yes, then she is a no and should notify them so they can move on with their waitlist. In general I see nothing wrong with waiting until the last minute of whatever deadline has been set. But in general in life, people should respond one way or another by deadlines. This is no different that doing it for her boss when she is older and has a deadline.
This experience makes me sad. Finding your college should be exciting with an emphasis on the possibilities of things to come, not an agonizing, draining, emotional slog.
This is not a life or death decision. There is not just one best choice with the rest being inferior/bad choices. Kids can find multiple schools where they can thrive and have a great experience. It would seem that a dose of perspective for this obviously struggling child would be helpful, both now and for future decisions.
@pishicaca, as a mom of a junior just staring this process, I appreciate the reminder to make the most of this time!
I understand, though, why students feel such angst and uncertainty over the process. With the exception of choosing whether to skip a grade and whether to enroll in IB, the biggest decision my 16 year old has made is choosing a prom dress.
So perhaps a bit of compassion and understanding is in order…and yes, moms can get caught up in this too. And I know I use CC as a place to vent and potentially freak out - away from my kids!
OP wants the best for her child, just like we all do, and she’s trying to step back. It can be hard…my daughter has asked me several times this weekend what I thought she should do about x, y, and z. Since all the choices are fine, I asked the question right back to her…but letting go as a parent - and growing up as a teen - is a process, and it can be messy and scary.
The good news is OP’s daughter has solid options and will very likely be happy at whatever she chooses! I’d love to hear an update, and I hope the family is getting excited about her choice, whatever it is.
Then use this as an opportunity to model responsible adult decision making. Have some perspective, evaluate the options, play by the rules, and decide. This will be the first of many harder decisions in the future.
The deadline appears to have been at 5pm on Friday. The family might have assumed that since many admissions offices close to the public at 5pm that means the staff goes home so there wouldn’t be anyone there to get the message. That’s not necessarily true. If an office is open to the public from 9-5pm, staff can be there from 8:30-5:30 (or later), so someone could have been waiting for a response. They may have already offered the spot to someone else, but I’d send an email today anyway so they’ll have it first thing tomorrow.
“She can respond to Richmond early next week. I don’t think it would be helpful bringing up the issue again when she is still processing what happened - it might be o.k. for others, but I know DD will do much better resting with the decision for a while. The difference between replying Friday early evening and on Monday or Tuesday next week is minimal. Even if she never responds, it’s not like they won’t figure out she’s not coming.”
OP is entirely concerned with her daughter’s “processing” and doesn’t perceive there to be any need to inform Richmond in spite of not doing so being discourteous, harming the reputation of her kids high school and future applicants, enabling her child to act like a child in an adult world and likely adversely impacting another student anxiously awaiting a chance to get off the waitlist. OP has been back several times and ignored all of these realities in favor of allowing her child to “process” in anticipation of what both parents predict will be there child’s further vacillation.
I fully appreciate the desire to allow your kid to make their own decisions unless as OP put it “they are walking off a cliff”. Apologies but sending your kid off to college incapable of emotionally handling decisions (when both options are great), holding to a deadline (extended), and having the self awareness of ones decisions (or lack of) impacting others is allowing her to walk off a cliff. College and adult life will only get more challenging from here…
I hope her future actions are better then this experience would predict when real adversity or decision making is required. As parents we all make our own decisions in the best interest of our kids so I feel empathy for OPs chosen course of action and wish the entire family good luck!!
OP, I guess what people are feeling here is kind of like a bait and switch. Over 100 posts in and this “situation “ has morphed into a ball of indecision, selfishness and a lack of awareness. Even if people are at odds here sometimes, folks usually really try to share their knowledge and be helpful. You just keep changing the dynamic and seem a bit tone deaf. It’s frustrating for sure. @TrendaLeigh I’ve seen nothing but compassion and support here for OP, until she started to really make that impossible.
Yes, this: "It could also impact future graduates of her high school, even if just subconsciously. " from post #118 above
(can’t figure out how to do direct quotes)
As a 2020 parent, I worry about stuff like this. Very particularly since AU and Richmond are both schools that my DS is interested in! We live in MA and could even be same high school for all we know. Please don’t annoy them for the next generation.
Maybe a decision has been made. But allowing all this time to fret didn’t “help” her. What I get from this saga is the kid was ill from the stress, went down to the (extended) wire, then OP wanted to add a condition and treat a Friday deadline as Monday or Tuesday. Sorry, but it’s not sink or swim, only one right college, adding concerns AU won’t have the discourse or camaraderie, UR might have some preppies, etc.
Imo, when we trust our kids, and can afford either option, we teach them to trust themselves. Not agonize.