Daughter is driving us insane with indecision

Parent Cafe
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Thanks so much for all of the comments, they were extremely insightful. DD seems like she is in a much better mood today and is getting ready for the senior prom tonight; we spoke about schools this morning and she knows that if she wants to go to Richmond she needs to decide by 5:00. If she wants to go to American, she doesn’t have to do anything and by default that will be her choice.

We’re not going to remind her about the deadline because she is aware of it. I just took her out to have her hair done and she is going to meet with friends later; I may go to take photos (it’s common for parents to do this and if I do, I certainly won’t be the only one there). Or the girls may decide they don’t want parents there when they get ready and they will take their own photos. Whichever way is fine with us.

We also knows, because we have told her over and over, that either school is fine, they both have advantages and disadvantages, that the finances part will work out no matter what she decides and we can’t even know right now which school will be less or more. I think she has put that out of her mind. We also emphasized to her that her concerns about slackers at AU and stuck-up preppies at UR are likely to be untrue and that she can do a lot to meet like-minded people - AU has living-learning communities which are unlikely to attract slackers, and UR has the Roadmaps pre-orientation program and also sponsors a Camp Kesem which has been a big part of her life and attracts very nice people. We have tried very hard to quiet these concerns about both schools and I think we’ve succeeded.

The good part is that she’s gotten back her smile and is really looking forward going to the prom with a date and her friends. She also received her end-of-year grades today (seniors end school about three weeks earlier than the rest of the students) and she received six A grades and three A-minus grades (a lot of her classes were one semester). I spoke with her about proud we are of her (which she knows but it’s still nice to hear it) and that we’re aware of how hard she works (which she knows also).

I have no doubt that she’s do very well in either school, it’s really the decision that’s the hard part. I’m glad she’s making her own decision - the only reason we offered to decide for her was that she was that she was so upset that it was making her physically ill with stomach and headache pain, but that seems to have disappeared over the past few days (we took her to her doctor, who knows her very well, and her opinion was that the problems were caused by stress; obviously if they continue we’ll do more investigating but I don’t think they will). We also spoke about how she is good at making and keeping friends and I (and I believe now she) has no doubt that she find a compatible group of people wherever she is.

This is probably the most traumatic thing she’s been through in her life, even though it was self-imposed, except possibly for me diagnosed with cancer a few years ago (I had a good prognosis and made that very clear to our children, spoke with them about the good prognosis frequently throughout treatment, let them know what was going on, put everything on a calendar so they could see how long treatment would last and what would happen later, but I know she still worried despite reassurances). The good news though is that I think subsequent decision-making will be much easier. For some reason she got stuck on this issue but now she can make a tough decision and that the world won’t come to an end no matter what she does.

Of course, she hasn’t actually made any decision yet. It’s very possible that she will just let the matter slide and by default attend AU by taking no action on Richmond. That’s fine with us, she’s aware that she’ll be making a decision by not making a decision. As said, we’re not going to bring it up. If she wants to change the current default arrangement, she’ll tell us.

Thanks again and I’ll let you know later or tomorrow what happens!

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Unfortunately not, we were hopeful but no dice on that or other programs.

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The Camp Kesem program at UR is wonderful, if your D chose UR. One of my Ds participated, and loved her time volunteering with the kids, It was also a great social/bonding experience with her fellow UR students, throughout the school year, as they planned the camp experience, did fundraising, etc.

If your D chose AU, she will find excellent volunteering opportunities there, too. Hopefully you can all enjoy the next chapter a lot more with the decision behind you, best wishes to all!

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Biting my nails! Hope we find out so I can sleep tonight, LOL!

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Well, she’s getting on the bus to the prom and didn’t ask us to make a deposit at Richmond, so it looks like she’s going to AU. DH thinks though that she’s going to change her mind at the end of the weekend or on Monday. By that time it will probably be too late to switch, although if her RU account is still open we will abide by her wishes. (There’s no way we’re going to call Richmond and ask them to make an exception; she might want to do it but that’s her business).

We’ll see.

One thing I did realize though, which we should have done before, is ask her to graduate (assuming it’s feasible and she wouldn’t be missing out on anything important) a semester early if possible. She took three AP courses and feel that she did well on the exam on two of them, the third she’s not as sure about. Assuming she gets credit for 2 or 3 courses, she would have 2 or 3 more to take for an earlier graduation. AU accepts CLEP credits and we’re going to ask her to study and take (and hopefully pass) a CLEP exam this summer. This is very doable; she’ll have the same job as the past three years (counselor at a summer camp) and last year, in addition to her job she worked part-time at an ice cream shop and also studied for the SAT exam. My understanding is that there are some less-difficult CLEPS which she will be able to do without difficulty. She could make up the other one or two classes over the summer.

Our older daughter is graduating a semester early from school; she came in with 4 AP classes and had no problem taking one extra class. She actually could have graduated an entire year early but wouldn’t have been able to do the minor program she wanted, so we said ‘yes’ to staying another semester.

Graduating a semester early from AU would save $25,000, which will make any gap between the schools much less. American seems like the type of place where you wouldn’t be missing out on year-end social or graduation events by graduating early and she’ll likely stay in D.C. after graduation, so she can still come to anything important. I’m assuming she will be living in an off-campus apartment as most juniors/seniors will so having to leave a dorm won’t be an issue.

I think it would be a lot harder socially to graduate from Richmond early because most people are in the dorms and it seems like a more close-knit environment (from what I’ve read about it, as I haven’t been there). American reminds me of where older DD goes; it’s a large school where people go back and forth on coop jobs, acting more as independent individuals rather than part of a cohort.

Obviously if it would be beneficial for her to stay at AU for the full four years we won’t do it, but knowing DD she will likely make it work. She’s very aware of the potential financial difference between AU and Richmond and that our up-front costs at AU will be considerably higher. She already chose a triple for her housing, although we also talked yesterday about the living-learning communities there (which I just found out about a couple of days ago) and if she wants to, I think it would be better for her to be there even if no triples are available. The choice is hers. I believe she missed the deadline so it may not be possible anyway, but she could get on a waiting list.

Of course we are NOT going to say a word about the decision, or college at all, over the weekend unless she brings it up because I think we’ve all had enough. If she does bring it up, we’ll just tell her again that we will support her in any decision she makes. If nothing has changed by Sunday night or Monday we can see if she wants to or can be in an LLC.

I have a feeling that this isn’t the end of this and that DH has it down exactly with respect to DD’s potential reaction to the decision. We’ll see what happens over the next couple of days.

I’ll post again at the end of the weekend if not before. I can’t quite believe this is the end and am bracing myself for more surprises. We’ll ask her about withdrawing from the wait lists at other colleges; she didn’t want to do this before but as always we want it to be her choice. She likes to keep all of her options open (duh) so I won’t be surprised if there is more decision drama before September. I can’t imagine it would be as bad as this, though. We’ve spent literally weeks researching the hell out of the colleges down to every small detail, neglected other priorities, stayed up until 2:00 a.m. several nights discussing things with DD or each other, etc.

I’m going to take a nap. Thanks to all for the advice; I’ll respond to some people later this weekend. Also, I think an earlier post got lost. Hopefully my next post will be ‘didn’t hear anything about it so we’re set’, but it’s not over until it’s over.

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It may not seem over for you but may be over as far as Richmond is concerned! They need to move on, as does your family. They gave you a deadline of today in good faith.

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I’m fine with it being over. We’ll see how DD does over the weekend. We’re not bringing up the subject of college at all, and hopefully she will not say anything either. IF she changes her mind, she will deal with it and it will work or not work. We’re not putting down a deposit though anywhere (both now and if she gets taken off any more waiting lists) unless she withdraws from American. So far she hasn’t done that.

We’ll suggest withdrawing from the waiting lists again in a week. She probably won’t want to, I just hope we don’t go through anything like the last couple of weeks again. We’re unlikely to get another offer as good as Richmond’s, but DD - who has overcome a number of challenges in her life - also has incredible luck so nothing will shock me!

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This has certainly been an interesting thread. All over the place and now you say she may stay on other wait lists and potentially invite more agony? What are you still hoping for?

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I understand the OP’s financial logic of having her D finish college a semester early but I would have hated to have missed that portion of my own college experience. Still, everyone’s time in college is definitely their own to spend as they see fit. Like @sevmom, I’ve found this thread interesting, but I’ve found it frustrating too. I hope things work out well.

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Re being on other wait lists, etc. - we are letting her make the decisions here because it’s her life - DH and I will give her our input, but other than that or a college being completely unaffordable, she’s a mature and responsible person, especially for her age, and has made other good decisions in her life including some that we would have done differently. But we’ve always felt very strongly that our children have their own lives to lead and that they are entitled to make different choices than we did. We’ve told them both that if we see them walking towards the edge of a cliff we’ll say something and intervene if necessary, but not wanting to withdraw from wait lists just this moment isn’t walking off the edge of a cliff,

The ONLY reason we suggested making the decision for her is that the stress was making her physically ill. We were truly concerned about her physical condition and the mental agony she was putting herself through, and gave her that option which she rejected. Other than this, we never made or even considered making our children’s decisions for them, but this was a getting-too-close-to-the-edge situation that wasn’t tenable. Actually I think offering it took some of the pressure off her because she stopped having headaches and stomach aches (as well as crying a lot) after we did. But we would have not done if we were not concerned about her mental and physical health.

The good news is that this is by far the worst we have seen her and that she is, other than this incident, very emotionally balanced and happy with her life. We’re looking at what happened as an aberration which is not likely to happen again; if it does we’ll deal with it then.

The fact that she had to make three decisions in a row, even though she herself set it up, wasn’t helpful either. First she decided between Brandeis and AU (because Case gave her an extension), then Case v. AU, and then almost immediately the off-the-waitlist offer came from Richmond. I think it would be beneficial to withdraw from other wait lists, but as of yet she hasn’t wanted to. I’ll suggest it again next week and if she doesn’t want to, that’s her decisions. Having your children make their own decisions includes the risk that they will make decisions you think are bad. As long as it’s not a cliff-like situation, it’s not my place to intervene. ‘Allowing’ a child autonomy up to the point that you don’t like what they’re doing isn’t giving them automony IMHO, it’s just pretending to.

So we’ll see how she is through the weekend and next week. She’s done with school and has her grades, took the AP tests, etc. and hopefully will be happy with how things turned out. I’ll write again in a couple of days about how the aftermath played out. Hopefully, I’ll report that everything is fine.

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So has your daughter decided to go to AU or has she decided not to decide? Doesn’t she owe Richmond the courtesy of a response after they were kind enough to extend a deadline?

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Re finishing a semester early, our thinking is that because it’s a large college where people are coming and going all the time for study abroad, internships, etc. and she’ll be living off-campus, it won’t be a big thing. I missed my commencement exercises because I was overseas and couldn’t have cared less. As said I think doing this would be a lot more difficult at Richmond or similar LAC because people tend to go through as a cohort and group identity is pretty strong. I don’t get the impression that American is like that. But if it doesn’t work out, we’re not going to insist on it. Our assumption is that it will be a relatively easy thing to do; if it’s not, we can always decide otherwise. But for now I want to leave it on the table as $25k is no small amount.

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I remain very confused and wish your daughter all the best!

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She can respond to Richmond early next week. I don’t think it would be helpful bringing up the issue again when she is still processing what happened - it might be o.k. for others, but I know DD will do much better resting with the decision for a while. The difference between replying Friday early evening and on Monday or Tuesday next week is minimal. Even if she never responds, it’s not like they won’t figure out she’s not coming.

I may be wrong, but I don’t think that administrators take these things at a deeply personal level. When I worked with the public, I learned pretty quickly not to do so because other people’s decisions weren’t about me as a person, they were about what was best for them in the situation they were in. Even when I tried to help people and they ended up not going with the program I worked for, I didn’t take it personally. Plus, the cost of the help from my end was a few sentences to them and maybe one other person, and writing a post-it note to stick on a file - not exactly heavy lifting. It was nice if people followed up, but I certainly didn’t expect it.

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If i went through this prolonged agony, up to the extended deadline, then my family threw in a last condition to grad early, I’d be sorely ticked.

You had your chance to put this in the mix and didn’t. If she’s having this much trouble deciding, you’re fixed on it being “her” decision, even when ill from the stress, it’s not fair to add. Jmho. Talk to her about it next fall.

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But other people are likely waiting for your daughter’s UR spot, OP. Those kids would benefit from a timely decision.

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I guess you are comfortable with it, but to my perspective this looks like a train wreck in decisionmaking. It doesnt matter where she goes nearly as much as that she emotionally commits to one school and is all in for attending it. The kids who were still hoping for or considering wait list offers in August didn’t have good freshman years regardless of where they were.

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Actually your daughters decision (or lack of one) likely directly impacts another student who is anxiously waiting on the waitlist who is prepared to be decisive. Typically candidates that are selected off of waitlist are selected based on expressions of continued interest.

Not suggesting your actions are deliberate but your desire to allow your daughter further time to “process” does have the potential to adversely impact others. In addition it is simply not polite in my opinion but that is for your own family to judge and decide.

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It could also impact future graduates of her high school, even if just subconsciously. The decision should have been discussed prior to going off to prom, IMO, and a response sent to the college she is choosing to pass on. Not only did they pull her off the waitlist but they gave her an extension to consider it. I agree with others that deserves a response. It takes 2 minutes. And it results in a sense of finality. No need to drag it out to Monday, Tuesday…

I feel as if the whole family here is having decision paralysis with the constant changes in opinions day by day, factors to weigh in (finances, graduating a semester early, etc.). It’s more than the daughter based on what is posted here.

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I just want to toss this out there. It sounds like YOU are having a hard time deciding. Is it possible that your D is comfortable with her AU choice but is uncomfortable committing to something that might disappoint you? It seems like you have a good relationship. Maybe she doesn’t want to disrupt that and that as you continue to process this, you are actually preventing her final decision?

On the matter of responding, I am of the opinion that if you have gone to the trouble of taking a WL position, you have indicated that you would seriously consider an offer. She has done that, but needs to communicate her decision ESPECIALLY because they extended their timeline for her. The school needs to fill its class and there are kids who would happily forfeit their deposits to go to Richmond. If you both accept that not making a decision is making a decision, communicate it!