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<p>This is the approach that we would take until her issues are worked out. Your gift of $100k is wonderful, but she needs to be prepared to accept it. I’m sure it will still be there when she’s ready.</p>
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<p>Exactly, or the financial discussion should have taken place back during application season as in, ‘you can only go OOS if you receive scholarship money; otherwise, UMass it will be… YOUR choice.’ So now, ‘if you want to attend NCState or PennState, apply for free money, or don’t…Your choice.’</p>
<p>Quite frankly, this is an argument not worth having. Without a hook, the chances of your D receiving thousands of dollars in scholarships is almost nil.</p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>Take some time off from the discussion, cool off.</p>
<p>Filling out scholarship forms, essays takes time and effort. My D is doing that, but I don’t expect to get much if anything. BUT, just the effort means something to me. </p>
<p>Suggest to your D, to look for part time work, it may bring in more $ than scholarship money and she may learn something from earning her own money and eventually appreciate the support from her parents.</p>
<p>I wonder if we are reacting differently to this cause of our geography? I live in NoVa, if there are ANY “local” scholarships here, there are a zillion kids going after them. There may be some places where there really are local scholarships where the odds are pretty good. That sheds a different light on the matter.</p>
<p>Essay burnout about something that is their responsibility and could benefit them or their parents? What will these poor kids do when they have multiple college courses with essays due?</p>
<p>The kids I know who got gobs of money from local scholarships (not national scholarships or scholarships from the colleges themselves) were not top stat kids. But they were pretty good in school, they had some level of financial need, and each had a compelling story to tell. But most importantly, they applied like crazy! They must have applied to 20-30 scholarships. It was a like a full time job.</p>
<p>The other thing was that the money really made a difference to them. It made the effort all worthwhile. One got about $18,000 in local scholarships (which is huge)–by living at home and going to the local public university, that $18,000 would pay for 3 years of college. Different story if the $18,000 wouldn’t even pay for 1 semester of a pricey college.</p>
<p>Couldn’t get my kids to apply for lots of scholarships. The results were pretty skimpy for local scholarships–not worth the effort it took to put together the applications. But that was OK. If someone who had more financial need got the money, and we could afford to send the kids to college anyway, it all worked for the good.</p>
<p>I completely understand BBDad’s point of view. I can’t speak for the OP, but if it were my student I think it would not be so much the desire not to fill out any more scholarships apps, but the attitude the daughter displayed. If the OPs daughter had approached her parents and said something along the lines ‘I’m so appreciative of everything you are prepared to do to support me in college, especially financially. I’m so grateful for the options that I have. I’m frustrated with the scholarship applications and would like to talk about it. I just feel like it’s a lot of effort and wonder how much of a chance I have of actually receiving one. Can we talk about maybe a compromise?’. Obviously a 17/18yo isn’t going to use these words, but the point is they show an attitude of gratitude, maturity, and ask to talk about it. The parent may not agree, but more then likely they will sit down and talk to their child at that point.</p>
<p>Wow, mom2college you are harsh! “I think the mistake was letting d apply to pricey OOS publics…merit aid(like Penn st)…”. Penn state is her most expensive school and coa should climb over $40k soon, but it’s also #1 ifor recruiters according to the wall st. Journal, we know many alum, and would be optimistic about job prospects. So she prob won’t go there but could end up at NC state, which might climb to $30k next year. They are also top 20 on that list. At no.8 is UMD–where she got into the scholars program, and that’s $37k. She made $350 per week at her job last summer, and still kept working thru school year. she is quite capable, and actuallynot completely ignorant of the fact that shell be working throughout college. She got merit aid of $9k this week from big OOS “Big 12” school, so it sure is there for her. If she chooses to go to that school, there’s actually a chance she might not even need loans next year! But not to get away from my OP, I still think she should fill out a few scholarship apps, in any case!</p>
<p>The attitude might be distasteful but you can get that if you push kids or adults far enough. It sounds like she has worked hard at school and has job experience. She might be eligible for small college scholarships at those schools annually that are based mainly on GPA. Perhaps she could trade doing the applications now for doing them during the school year. She may have to do applications for internships throughout the year too.</p>
<p>Only you know her level of stress and the positives and negatives of her personality.</p>
<p>The attitude IS distasteful. That much is true. The notion that you may get it if you push a kid too hard is ridiculous. I could push my kid off a cliff and not get that attitude. Why? Because they know it would not only be a waste of time but would actually backfire and they would end up with NOTHING. Not because I’m an iron fist parent. On the contrary. They were raised to appreciate whatever they have been given and if it doesn’t measure up to their standards or they want more then it’s incumbent on THEM to make up the difference.</p>
<p>The daughter is acting unreasonable and should have been told long ago that this attitude will get her nowhere. I have a hard time believing this is the first time. </p>
<p>Think about it, if a kid starts taking ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for granted then you have a kid who is not only out of touch but, more importantly, has been ALLOWED to be so.</p>
<p>If she really wants to keep ‘the tude’ then let her borrow 100k to get through college. She’ll learn a thing or two when she’s working the rest of her life trying pay off her attitude. She will learn that a few hours worth of work could have saved her a lifetime of expense, hassle, and anguish.</p>
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<p>Many kids wind up with mental health issues in college or sometimes even high-school because of the high levels of stress that can come with these environments. This is around the age that these issues show up. Kids do a variety of strange things including committing suicide. I think that this is a bit more common in Asian societies where there is strong parental pressure to do well.</p>
<p>You can’t push a kid too hard? Consider the PTSD rates in US wars over the last 50 years (look up the stats).</p>
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<p>Would you feel better if they took $10,000 for granted? $1,000? The child here has worked a job so she has some understanding of how hard it is to make money along with the concept of taxes. It would be nice if she had a more intimate understanding of how truly hard it is to make for most people and was appreciative here. We don’t know if she’s generally appreciative but just blew up here. As I said, you can push people too far - and they will blow up. Sometimes quite literally.</p>
<p>With all due respect, comparing the mental health of a spoiled child refusing to fill out scholarship forms with a teenager who has been sent off to war is kind of whack isn’t it?</p>
<p>And yes, a child taking ANY amount of money GIVEN to them for granted is ridiculous, IMO. I have this battle with my teenage son over TEN BUCKS. But the fact that this young woman is taking almost DOUBLE the median salary for this country for granted is seriously appalling to me. The fact that her parents are ‘at wits end’ over it is equally so.</p>
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<p>I was responding to this:</p>
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<p>Which is worse: pushing your kid off a cliff or sending him to war?</p>
<p>At any rate, lots of students, both in high-school and college,
develop mental health problems. Stress is certainly a factor.</p>
<p>If you push someone hard enough, actually anyone, you’ll get a
response. Look at your response in this thread if you want to see
a reaction.</p>
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<p>Well, what students see is their own local income, not the median
income of the whole country. If you’re in a school enviroment where
all of your friends are going to private schools, either with
scholarships or full-pay from parents, you’re going to feel that you
should get that too.</p>
<p>College app time can be very stressful. Especially when the economy is
difficult for many. The OP knows her daughter the best. The teenage
years are a common time for mother-daughter arguments over a variety
of things.</p>
<p>Agreed, the teenage years are times to argue about any number of things. But how much money the kid is being given for college and how much they can help THEMSELVES should not be one of them. The daughter should not be allowed to hold the cards here. Not when it’s the parents hard earned money.</p>
<p>I know people who gave their kids ZERO for college. Kids who have taken out large loans just to go to a junior college or commuter college. Parents who could afford to help but felt it was not their responsibility any longer. You think these kids would have loved even a thousand dollars from their parents let alone ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND? Yes, they would.</p>
<p>So don’t be so quick to allow the daughter a pass here. She is being unreasonable and spoiled and a poster child for lack of gratitude. Sorry if it sounds harsh to the OP but out here in the real world it’s pretty clear what the problem is. And it’s not stress. MOF, I think there are probably 99.9999% of kids her daughter’s age who would WANT that ‘stress’ and would welcome it. MOF, I think there is a large segment of the general population who would gladly fill out forms and write whatever they could in return for a gift of 100k.</p>
<p>Lastly, whether she will actually GET a scholarship or will qualify is not the point. The point is her parents have asked her to TRY. Short of being on the space station or serving as queen of England there is nothing she is doing which is as important as helping secure HER financial future and/or help her parents continue to secure THEIRS.</p>
<p>OP, sounds like your D has some pretty decent stats to be getting $$ from OOS public schools. The good news is that if you didn’t apply for FA, those scholarships are really $$$ off the bill. I will note that if she wants to take out a Stafford, you’ll need to file the FAFSA. She may only qualify for the unsubsidized loan, but the Stafford is in her name alone and isn’t on your credit rating.</p>
<p>Sounds like you guys are starting to get enough data to set up a spreadsheet with COA, your contribution and scholarships from the schools. It may be that with the merit awards she’s gotten plus Staffords, she can pick up hours during the school year and summer and be OK. Since she’s been working this year, she’ll have a leg up in the fall when it comes to balancing classes and work.</p>
<p>I don’t know what she’s considering majoring in, but it may be productive if she focuses on major-specific awards (esp. if she intends to major in engineering or other STEM field).</p>
<p>I’m still reading. I appreciate your level headed comments BCEagle. and, yes, Denise, as parents, we’ve been at our “wit’s end” a few times. I was hoping to be able to share on the cc board and get some helpful comments, and thankfully, many seem very supportive and understanding, though that doesn’t mean we put up with a ridiculous attitude and hotheaded proclamations-- even during stressful times.</p>
<p>How she would laugh at someone calling her spoiled!..:). It’s really not the case, and makes me smile, it’s so funny. She’s a hard working kid, and we’re backing off from the topic since sat. </p>
<p>(P.s. Several of the apps have been completed as of late today, she just told me.)</p>
<p>Glad to hear that she has filled out some forms. And, FWIW, I do believe it’s possible to be hard working and spoiled as a child. Meaning, you work hard and appreciate the work you do but do not appropriate the same consideration when something is given to you by someone else working hard. I know many kids like this.</p>
<p>Ironically, my son did not work until he was in a college workstudy. My parents considered him VERY spoiled because of that fact. Most of his friends did not work. Yet, he is one of the least spoiled and most appreciative kids I have ever known. Everyone says so. Even now as he’s earning his own money he’s become even more aware of how much it takes to make money and how much has been GIVEN to him. </p>
<p>My younger son will be more of a challenge in the gratitude department…and if he does not come around it will bite him in the behind. </p>
<p>Hope it all works out for you.</p>
<p>"How she would laugh at someone calling her spoiled!.. It’s really not the case, and makes me smile, it’s so funny. She’s a hard working kid, and we’re backing off from the topic since sat. "</p>
<p>to be honest, one of the reasons I do not like to post anything negative sounding about my DD here, is I know that unless I were to write a full book about her, there would be some wise ass judging her based on the limited words in the post, who doesn’t know the whole picture. Heck, even in threads where I have asked some much narrower things, I have gotten major misunderstanding. I try in my own posts , to consider that I do not know the full picture from the words on the screen - however I do not always succeed, and I know I have said things that may have been hurtful at times. For which I am sorry. </p>
<p>I think thats the inherent limitation of online message board advice. Take it as you will.</p>
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<p>Nobody is saying that she holds the cards. But many of you are being
overly hard on the mother and the daughter with insufficient facts.</p>
<p>The kid already has skin in the game with scholarships and working
summer jobs and has already demonstrated a work ethic in getting the
grades and test scores. She’s also been working during the school year
(as per CountingDown’s post) and that counts as skin in the game.</p>
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<p>Irrelevent. The parents said that they would spring for $100K. The
daughter has worked jobs, worked at her studies in order to generate
significant aid and feels that she has done her part. Perhaps those
are the expectations setup in the household as she views it.</p>
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<p>I didn’t give her a pass. But I’m saying that the reactions of some
posters here are overly harsh on the mother and daughter.</p>
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<p>You can’t know that.</p>
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<p>Clearly you are wrong. Just look at the stats for the percentage of
students that go on to college. Then look at the stats for the
percentage of those students that get significant merit aid at
out-of-state colleges that are also working during the school year.</p>
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<p>Well, that’s not the case here. The filling out of forms is for local
scholarships. As many have commented, in this thread and others, a lot
of these are fairly small and there can be a lot of competition for
them.</p>
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<p>My father developed schizophrenia when he was in college. That’s a
disease that destroys family finances. Perhaps you’ve never seen
schizophrenia, depression, bipolar, PTSD, PPSD wreck a family. I
have.</p>
<p>BC - I was reading your post, point-by-point, and BOOM - suddenly you lost me when you vectored off into the schizophrenia thing. Was that intended for this thread? A misplaced CTRL+V or something?</p>
<p>*> Lastly, whether she will actually GET a scholarship or will qualify is</p>
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<p>My father developed schizophrenia when he was in college. That’s a
disease that destroys family finances. Perhaps you’ve never seen
schizophrenia, depression, bipolar, PTSD, PPSD wreck a family. I
have. *</p>