Daughter unhappy about acceptances

Parents Forum
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My daughter was waitlisted EA at 2 competitive schools in state - 1 was a reach but the other we definitely thought was a target so that was tough. She was very upset to put it mildly.

In any case, she accepted admission at a less selective school, but as a member of their honors college. I truly think this is a great situation where she can stand out and thrive. She seemed ok with this decision back in February. Ego still a bit bruised but we figured she would get over the sting of rejection over time.

4 months after EA decisions and it’s gotten worse in the last few weeks - now she says chosen school is definitely not the one for her, for a variety of reasons - the location, the weather…honestly the reasons change by the week and none are particularly compelling . The schools she wished she’d applied to/accepted admission to change by the week. A school she had no interest in 2-3 months ago is now the one for her. She doesn’t want to do a gap year. Doesn’t want to do CC for a year. She is all over the place with what she says. Very “woe is me.”

She can try to transfer elsewhere as a sophomore - but I guess what bothers me most is that she seems hell bent on going to this school and not giving it a chance. I understand she’s disappointed in the waitlists; she goes to a competitive HS full of indulged students from financially comfortable families so I understand my kid is a bit spoiled too, as are many of her contemporaries. She laments how “unfair” it is that she didn’t get in when Jane Doe from elementary school did. Etc etc.

Our house is very stressful right now at a time I hoped would be a happy one - celebrating her accomplishments, eagerly looking towards a bright future etc. It’s like walking on eggshells. I’m not looking forward to 2.5 more months of this; I felt devastated for her in January but I think she’s had ample time to grieve. Has anyone been though something similar? Any insights? Thanks.

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Disappointment can be tough for teens to handle. I can empathize. There really aren’t many options: gap year, CC, transfer. Thats about it. Only other option is to apply to colleges that are still accepting applications.

College life is perceived by teens as a fun period in their life. Parties, friends, socializing. Thats probably what is stinging the most.

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Has she considered any of the schools on the NACAC list of colleges still accepting applications?

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Is she worried about going to school further from home than she had hoped?

That seems to be a consistent in the few various reasons that you listed.

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This time of year, with “wear your college t-shirt” days, lots of talk and excitement for next year, etc. can be really tough for a kid who is disappointed with her option. Can she articulate why she is having trouble moving past her disappointment? What is it really representing to her? Is she upset she didn’t work harder? That she didn’t put the right effort into the application process?Does it make her feel insecure? It’s often hard to put a name to what is going on, but it can help to address the root cause. You can help by just listening and acknowledging her pain.

It’ll help as well to have a plan for succeeding next year. If this is the wrong place, she’s going to need to excel to transfer to a “better” school. What’s more likely is that this school will be fine or even better than fine. But for now, this is her reality and she needs to make it work.

It can be hard to step up and be the agent of change in your life when you’re down, but your D needs to do that. I can totally understand why you are frustrated. If you can express that to her in your own terms too (I really wish I could say or do something that could help. It hurts me to see you so unhappy.), she also can’t put energy into contradicting you and will need to come up with a solution.

The short answer, she needs to work out why she’s unhappy and how she can make the best of her situation. You can only provide the prompts for her to do that and support. Hugs to you both. Tough patch of road.

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What were the reasons she applied to this college? Hopefully she applied because there were things she liked enough about it. Maybe she can review those things.

At this point, I would listen patiently. Let her know nothing is forever, and she should go all in…but if she decides it’s not working, she can transfer.

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This sounds like a reaction to the college acceptances that come in for others in early April, as well as social media making those acceptances public. No doubt, at school, there is a lot of talk about where people are going and a lot of peer pressure going on about relative prestige etc. Are peers dismissive of her school?

I would have a good conversation with her about peer pressure. Is she still on waitlists? If not, or if chances are slim, can you visit the school she got into? Once she is actually there and it is actually real, maybe she will get more excited about it.

Social media is making college acceptance season hard on everyone and peers, even school faculty and staff, don’t help.

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Plenty of people transfer. If you can afford another option, there is nothing wrong with it. To transfer, especially to a competitive school, she will need a really high GPA. It is all on her now. I don’t think there is anything wrong with encouraging her in this pursuit and supporting her however you can to get the high GPA she will need to transfer.

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Once she gets to school she won’t be hearing from her friends or having others waive their schools in her face.

I promise you that there are kids at this school that got into more prestigious ones, but chose this one. Both my kids chose safeties over reaches they got into.

Once you step on campus, pedigree is irrelevant. Going to a top school guarantees nothing. Go to a non top school and you can achieve anything. Ultimately it’s up to her - her grit, her determination, her hustle etc.

When you go in with a bad attitude though or intent to leave, it will be tough to have a successful experience. She’ll likely encounter bright kids and even be challenged academically. Hopefully she meets her bff or gets involved and this bad feeling will go away.

Every year we read stories how someone had to settle and yet four years later they can’t imagine having gone anywhere else.

Hopefully your daughter embraces her opportunity. So many don’t even have the means to experience college at all. She’s very fortunate.

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I don’t know how helpful a visit would be at this point, if the spring semester is over, and the campus is quiet.

I agree that a gap year is a bad idea, and unlikely to lead to a different outcome, unless she were to accomplish something truly game-changing between now and late fall. She could wind up really depressed, as she sees her peers all go off to college.

If the school that she wanted is an in-state public for you, it might be that your local community college has a transfer agreement with that school. It is very feasible to complete one’s associate’s degree in one year, and be at that school (maybe your in-state flagship?) by next September. What she would have to do is CLEP out of as much as she can, hopefully has dual enrollment or AP that would give her credit too, and go to community college this summer, fall, and spring (and even next summer) with a heavy load. For a good, motivated student, it’s very do-able, since comm coll classes tend to be less rigorous than AP, or even honors, high school classes, so she’d be able to carry as many as 6 classes a semester, get the required transfer agreement GPA, and be ready to apply for transfer next spring. It’s worth looking into.

The third option is sending her to the school at which you’ve put a deposit. If she’s not happy, she can apply to transfer. She may feel much better days after she’s started, once she meets new people and then starts classes.

Honestly, if she’s still focused on how unfair the process was, after it’s all been over for a few months, I’m wondering if she has the maturity to choose the accelerated community college to flagship state U route, if that’s an option in your area. Probably the best thing that you can do as a parent is to listen sympathetically, and be supportive, but in your mind accept that she’s going to the school at which you’ve put a deposit (unless a wait list acceptance comes through, which may still be a possibility, especially at the “target” in-state public school), and just get through the summer. The summer before the kid leaves for college can be a really tough time for all families. The student feels 99% out the door, while the parent is thinking, “Wait, wait, I’m not done parenting you yet, I have more to do with you to finish the job before you leave!”

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Maybe there is some magical thinking here, and she isn’t even aware she is doing this:
“If I complain enough, mom and dad will see that this college is awful. They will step in and somehow fix this situation.”

I am betting she doesn’t even know how you could do this, but she wants to make the issue someone else’s to fix.

Sit down with her, with paper and pen. Have a list of pros and cons of each option: gap year and try again, cc and transfer, a college from the NACAC list, or give it a shot at the current college and transfer to a different one if it’s a disaster. Make sure she understands that she needs solid reason for transferring, especially if she thinks she can just transfer “up.” Make it clear that the decision is hers to resolve.

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I have a co-worker with a D graduating this year that we’ve been sharing stories about the college journey for our kids. Similar situation. His D goes to a private school and she got into some good schools but the best fit for her (vibe, economics, etc) is the state flagship school - by all accounts a very good option. A few days after making the deposit there were pangs of regret driven by where the other kids in her school were going and the social pressure of “why are you going THERE?”.

HS graduation is right around the corner if it hasn’t happened already and once your D is removed from that environment and goes to college orientation I’m guessing she’ll settle in.

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There’s always the military.

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No one should join the military as a second choice unless they really want to serve in the military.

I think this student just needs to be given time to feel badly, and then she will move on…one way or another.

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It was intended to be humorous and an attempt to get the OP to look at the forest, not the trees.

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What is left to say? She’ll go to the school and most likely forget about her regrets as she makes friends and gets involved. Or she’ll want to transfer. You listened to her, she aired her grievances and now it’s time for her to move on. I know this is easier said than done but I’d strongly encourage her to get on with it and stop whining about it ( in softer parent language).
She’s right, life isn’t fair, but if this is her first lesson in this cliche then she is lucky.

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At this point, I would ask her what does she plan on doing to change the situation other than feeling sorry for herself.
She is not a child any more where you could fix the situation for her. Let her know how you would be willing to support her and let her figure it out.
D1 was WL and rejected at all of her top choices many years ago. After she cried about it for few days, she said she was going to keep up with her grades for the last semester, and work like crazy in college so she could transfer if she wanted to. She did end up getting off her WLs. But the point is D1 came up with a plan for herself because she knew no one could help her. She perked up after she accepted her situation and a plan to move forward.

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Thank you to all that have replied.

To answer some of the questions, it’s only 2 hours away so idk if it’s the distance.
Before the EA decisions came out, she wasn’t sure if she would have picked target school or this one with the honors college. So she definitely saw the good in the schools she’s accepted admission to.
Once EA came out, that started to change, leading us to where we are now.

There are definitely some maturity issues - she’s very mature in some ways but still has problems dealing with frustration/rejection. We do listen sympathetically but also feel like it’s time to move on; she can be so darn unpleasant and we’re trying not to feed that by continuing to commiserate too much. It’s a fine line.

I agree that if this is her worst problem she’s lucky - I’ve said that to her delicately. Also yes the social media aspect is brutal.

And to the military commenter - I did smile at the thought.

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Wow, a lot of good schools on this list. Something here for everyone. Included is my sister’s alma mater, the one that launched her directly into medical school. Also 3 of the current top choices of my D25.

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I would sit down with her and list all of her options, including the ability to transfer if she is still unhappy after her first year.

I feel it is best to start college without the thought of transferring so that the student dives right into activities, clubs, relationships, classes, etc, but in this student’s case it might make it easier if she knows she has all of the control, including transferring if she wants.

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