How long will she mourn?

<p>My kid was rejected by her dream school. She is devastated. She has some very decent school as backups. I've tried to be very supportive, never once did her dad or I impose any expectations of a specific school nor have we been disappointed with what she has ended up with. </p>

<p>I've tried to be supportive, to let her know it's ok to be mad and disappointed but that she has good options, she can consider a transfer if she wants to and there is always grad school.</p>

<p>How long will this go on? The tears? the obsessing over why? Any advice on how to help her move past this?</p>

<p>Hi kicker,
This topic was discussed last week, right after the March 31st/April 1st decision dates. You might find some good advice here:</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/681957-how-long-let-her-grieve.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/681957-how-long-let-her-grieve.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>I'm so sorry. This is such a stressful and emotionally-laden process.</p>

<p>Is she doing any admitted student visits or overnights? That might open her eyes and heart to a new school love. </p>

<p>Has she talked to her GC to identify HS alumni who may be attending any of those schools now or recently graduated? Often, making that connection and getting an enthusiastic perspective from a peer can make all the difference.</p>

<p>An option is to consider a gap year and going through the process of trying for the dream school again and adding others that would be more appealing as a second choice. But I have heard a lot of parent lore on how much of an emotional roller coaster it can be to continue to chase the dream school when the chance of acceptance remains low, leading to a high risk of a second "no." Same emotional drag chasing it as a possible transfer....</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>After my son got rejected from his dream school he started to focus on the school he will be attending. We did go through all the options with him (jr college and transfer, gap year, etc) but in the end he knew that the college he choose would be fine. We started talking about getting some college gear (sweatshirts and stuff) and visiting the school etc. That pulled him out of his slump.</p>

<p>Taking a gap year and chasing some "dream school" is one of the dumber ideas I have heard of (with a very low chance of success). Time to begin to act like an adult and roll with the punches. There will be many more and there are not many do-overs in real life. Focus on the new top choice and make sure all the paperwork gets done so when Fall comes there will be a college to attend.</p>

<p>Definitely start focussing on Pre-Frosh weekend visits, researching housing and academics at her admitted schools. Making concrete plans may distract her from her current agonies. Try taking her dorm-shopping, no matter where she goes, she'll need some bedding (twin extra long) and more underwear!</p>

<p>It has only been a week since the fateful decisions day, maybe give her another few days to wallow and then tell her it's time embrace resilience and reality.</p>

<p>Send her to visit the schools that she was accepted to. Even if she saw them before, she needs to visit them again, preferably including spending nights there.</p>

<p>I think this process is an important one for personal growth. There have been many many times in my life when I didn't get the job/promotion/admission/assignment/man that I wanted. In all cases, it turned out that the rejection was a blessing in disguise.</p>

<p>I say pitch the "blessing in disguise" angle. I suspect there are some people at their dream schools who have found them to be a nightmare.</p>

<p>The hard thing for us has been D's many stellar admits -- without aid. She's now visiting a school that did give her substantial merit aid. This visit could backfire -- she could have gone into it with the attitude "this school will never be as good as the others ..." But we've been realistic and candid from the beginning about what would have to happen to make any school, other than the UCs, affordable. Seeing her other schools may help your D -- after all, she got in there and not at her "dream" school. But at some point she has to also decide that she'll be open-minded about these other schools. There must have been reasons she put them on the list in the beginning -- maybe she can be reminded of those. Best wishes, it isn't easy to readjust one's hopes and expectations. But since she doesn't have a choice, how do you help her graciously do that?</p>

<p>My daughter was waitlisted at her top choice and it took about a week for her to move on. I am a "get it done" kind of person so I was impatient, I wanted to map out a plan of attack to make sure she would be accepted as soon as possible should a spot open at her top choice. She wanted nothing to do with it; I think if I had just left her alone she would have gotten over it more quickly.</p>

<p>It's been about 2 weeks now and she's done everything feasible for her waitlist school and has moved ahead excitedly with her next choice. It was funny, I was sitting in my car waiting for my younger daughter and she just popped in and said "I think I'm going to really like ___!" Excuse me? Who are you and what did you do with my depressed daughter? I called my husband as soon as she left the car! </p>

<p>It is an incredibly stressful time made even worse by parents who can't keep out of it because we want to make it all better. My younger daughter even started yelling at us for not leaving her sister alone. It will pass, present little things about the schools she's been accepted to and, when she cheers up, start visiting the other schools, going on Facebook to see the groups from the other schools, etc. And do remind her that where she goes to college really is not all that significant in the scheme of things.</p>

<p>Do what I didn't - leave her alone to mourn but be ready when she comes up for air. You'll all be happier! Good luck!</p>

<p><<taking a="" gap="" year="" and="" chasing="" some="" "dream="" school"="" is="" one="" of="" the="" dumber="" ideas="" i="" have="" heard="" of.="" time="" to="" begin="" act="" like="" an="" adult="" roll="" with="" punches.="">></taking></p>

<p>I don't think a gap year is dumb, necessarily. There are many stories on the board about kids who really used their gap year to do something terrific and did get into their dream school the next year.</p>

<p>Not that I think the OP was considering....</p>

<p>I say let her grieve just a little while longer and start helping her adjust to her chosen school with t-shirts, a visit, some enthusiasm and positivity and she will come around. Disappointments are so hard but ultimately she will probably be just fine.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your daughter!</p>

<p>amtc -- totally agree; most kids find their way to a happy second choice -- in their own time/way. And that's important.</p>

<p>@kicker: Glad unlike most parents, you are very supportive to your D. Parents tend to get more disappointed with kid's rejection. And that shows even if we put on a facade.
My D went through it last year when she was rejected by her dream school. Someone last year wrote to emphasize to our kid that the dream school is like a "first date". You feel like you can't live without that "first date". But guess what, when that date dumps you, you find someone else and in the end live with someone and enjoy your time with that person. Then you look back and laugh at yourself for getting fixated with that "first date"
As for how long it takes to get over it, depends on the kid. Some get over it in a few days, some weeks, some over summer and others once they go to that "other school" My D stopped her tears after a few weeks, but after a few weeks at the "other school" she loves it. Now she laughs at herself for having taken it so seriously as she thoroughly enjoy it there. Support your D through it, however long it takes. Best is to cherish your time with her before she heads off to college.
As for disappointment, read this article from a parent that came a few days ago:
The</a> Brown Frown: So Where?s your kid going to College? - Kalpana Mohan - Open Salon
The comments appended by readers after the article is also worth reading.</p>

<p>I'd love to see some data about gap years leading to getting into schools that rejected one the first time. I'm betting less than 10%. I'd also bet some drift and never get the momentum back to finish college at all.<br>
I do not belittle the sorrow but I would not enable it either. Just let it runs it's course--typically a couple months tops and then move forward. I think that the silver lining idea is real but a tough sell to someone without much life experience. This is how you develop that ability to take a hit and keep moving forward. You live it out and see the world did go on just fine.</p>

<p>"There are many stories on the board about kids who really used their gap year to do something terrific and did get into their dream school the next year."</p>

<p>There aren't many stories like that. There are stories, though, of students who took a gap year and managed to get into some school that were almost or equally as good as was their dream school. There are even more stories of kids who went to their second, third or even fourth choice school and were very happy there. Remember, the dream school was just a dream. It's reality that the student will experience as their college experience.</p>

<p>The college admission process is good practice for the much more demeaning employment search process in our society.</p>

<p>Thank you all for your supportive replies and great insights. We've planned some school visits for spring break and I hope that will get her out of her funk and in a positive frame of mind.</p>

<p>I wrote about this a year ago. Tell D that she just got dumped by Path 1.0. I got dumped by Financee 1.0 just three weeks before the wedding. Horrible. Had the dress, had the invites out, had the cake ordered -- it was ghastly. Cried for three days.
Went to work, went back to school. Met new boyfriend -- tall, charming, PhD candidate. We've been married 25 years. He's a peach. I definitely upgraded.
So, tell D that it is ok to cry for three days -- after that it is boring to have a stuffed up nose and it is time to find Path 2.0.<br>
Good luck!</p>

<p>barrons may have been harsh in his tone. But I agree with his essential point.</p>

<p>Kids with acceptances should focus their attention on those acceptances. There is no such thing as a "dream" school. It is an artificial construct, just as "someday my prince will come" is an artificial construct. It should not be encouraged, imo, either before, during or after the admissions process.</p>

<p>Yes, there are a few cases here on cc of kids and families who focused, immediately after rejection, on the transfer plan. And had success transferring to that school. But the cases are rare.</p>

<p>The applicant should be allowed to wallow (and I don't mean that pejoritavely) and mourn. I would hope that will be for no longer than a day. Might be a few. Left to his or her own devices, with no parent also appearing to mourn or be disappointed in the kid, I believe most will move out of the doldrums quite quickly. Be VERY careful that you are not unconsciously feeding this syndrome.</p>

<p>There will be plenty of time to consider transfer after the first term of freshman year, or of sophomore year. Absolutely zero reason to focus on it now.</p>

<p>And there is great wisdom, imo, in the comments by others in this thread that this will not be the only disappointment to be faced. Listen to the wisdom of Randy Pausch.... about brick walls and how to go over/under/around them. Not being accepted to the "dream" school is just a detour, a road not taken. And the road taken..... who knows what wonderful things might lie on that path?</p>

<p>Jmmom had a good point. I love the poem "the road not taken." "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less travelled, and it has made all the difference." (Robert Frost). </p>

<p>Several years ago, a family member got rejected at her top 5 choices. She went to her 6th choice and did fabulously, loved the school, and became a bigger fish in a smaller pond. </p>

<p>Once she decides, get some gear from her new school - let her start feeling the pride.</p>