Daughter wants an apartment freshman year

Parents Forum
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<p>Just to lighten up the discussion a bit: My freshman roommate never even did her own laundry in college! Her father was a traveling salesman and his route took him past the college regularly, so he would pick up her dirty laundry and take it home for her mom to wash, then bring the clean clothes back on his next trip. When I expressed amazement at this process, she told me that her mother said “I didn’t send my daughter to college to do laundry.” It takes all kinds, I guess. In any event, the lesson must have stuck, because both my kids were taking complete care of their own laundry by age 14–it was do it yourself or wear it dirty. I consider it one of my (few) child-rearing triumphs!</p>

<p>To be more serious, I was quite introverted when I went of to college, had grown up as virtually an only child (much older siblings). I had never been to overnight camp or lived in any other communal situation. It was definitely an adjustment sharing a room and bathroom, particularly since I didn’t much care for my eccentric roommate. But I just didn’t spend any more time in my room than I had to–I studied in the library, hung out in the student center between classes–and I was just fine. I came out of my shell to a large degree in college, and being forced to socialize with dorm-mates for 4 years had a lot to do with that.</p>

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<p>I am so grateful for this forum and for all of you. Reading all of your posts is really helping me put everything in perspective! One thing I wasn’t very clear on is that although she’s always had her own room, she does share a bathroom at home (and she’s used the showers in the gym, which she doesn’t like but will tolerate after a swim – says they’re “disgusting” and takes another shower when she comes home, but she does get in it). So IMHO she could adjust to a suite style room where she would have a door that could be closed and her private space, but share the bathroom. She says she wants an apartment for the kitchen, but she could have a small fridge and microwave, which would cover all of the meal preparation (if you can call it that) she does at home the nights she has to fend for herself.</p>

<p>When we went on campus tours, she asked if she would be a freshman and student guide said no, but it’s possible that she might be a sophomore for class selection and a freshman for housing. I hope that’s how it is, because no matter how many credits she has, she’s still a (relatively immature) 17 year old and should be treated as one. The student guides at all the colleges suggested living in freshman dorms even if you have other options for the experience and socialization. D wasn’t impressed.</p>

<p>I appreciate the advice to be firm – and I will remember it when she throws the inevitable tantrum. BTW Mike, my daughter is being a brat on the job topic too – she says she “needs” a break but I think a summer job (if she can get one in this economy) would be good for her in ways that go beyond the money (but that’s another topic). </p>

<p>Paying3tuitions – I love your advice to be understanding and firm. It is about more than just getting an apartment… </p>

<p>Oldfort, I love the story about your D1’s roommate. Sounds like it was a good experience for both of them. Maybe a suite style room, or at least a single where she would give D the best of both worlds. </p>

<p>Starbright – you’re right about her sense of entitlement and that I feel bad denying her. Her biological father was never part of her life and I feel guilty about that, so have tried to compensate (probably more than I should). Yes, she should take the initiative in calling the housing office. Actually I don’t know why she hasn’t, aside from that it’s easier to have me do it. She took an active role in her college applications, making her list and getting them in on time and never asked for help with her essays (she’s a better writer than I am, so that wouldn’t have helped – she did get a teacher to look at them). I’m taking your advice and getting her to start doing her own laundry at least – it’s past time for that.</p>

<p>Olymom, how did you know that my kid follows me and harangues me whenever I lay down the law or ask her to do something she doesn’t want to do? </p>

<p>MommaJ – love your story! I’m hoping my D will become more social in college. She’ll have a much larger group than in high school. And I don’t think she’ll wind up spending as much time in her dorm as she thinks she will.
There are on-campus apartments with one bedroom and one bath at her first choice, but they are twice as expensive as dorms – so that is not an option. I’ve been trying to tell her that one of the rewards of her scholarship offers is the possibility of finishing undergrad with little, if any, debt. Plus there are all of the other factors – she will have to accept that an apartment in her first year is not an option. Then hopefully she will be more open to the compromise of our working together to get her a single room. Even if she has the option of being classified as a sophomore, since there is a housing shortage except for freshmen (who are required to live on campus at all of the schools she’s been accepted at so far) it will be to her advantage to be considered a freshman.</p>

<p>Thanks again to everyone, and I’m sorry this is so long.</p>

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<p>My now grown daughter shared a furnished apartment in a college-owned complex right next to the stadium. She definitely wouldn’t have wanted to live totally alone, however. She preferred her own room, though. They each had a double bed, dresser and desk/chair. Living room had a couch and a chair, lamps, coffee table and end tables. Small dining set in kitchen. She lived in the same complex for all but her senior year. </p>

<p>Since she was paying her own way through school (with the help of student loans), and purposefully chose this college because of the area’s low cost of living, the choice was hers. She made lots of friends right there at the Village apts. and school, of course. I went with her to the parent/student meeting held on campus before they signed their contract. She and a high school friend shared a two bedroom apartment. There were pools in the complex, as well as BBQs and a work-out room. Her friend transferred to another school their sophomore year. My daughter studied abroad for the second semester.</p>

<p>But the next year she lived in a 4 bedroom apt. in the same complex with girls she had never met. It was kind of like a dorm suite. Later she moved to another apartment complex down the street, but not affiliated with the school. She was able to have her cat there. :slight_smile: She never drove the whole time she attended college–didn’t get her license until her early 20s. So, it was important to live close to the school. There were apartment complexes all over the place–all with pools and other amenities for a bargain rental rate.</p>

<p>Anyway, since my daughter would never have eaten all the food in the campus cafeterias (on a food plan) , it was less to live off-campus. And, really it was basically ON campus and had rules and regulations. So, for her it worked out fine. The mom of her freshman roommate came over for dinner one night before they moved in and we went over what they would need–ie; cleaning supplies, toilet paper, food, etc. We all chipped in and they were taken care of. After that they bought their own stuff. My D worked on campus at a smoothie shop and later in a lab as an assistant. </p>

<p>Having said this, our soon-to-be college freshman daughter will definitely live in the dorms. She’s excited about it and wouldn’t even consider an apartment or room off-campus. But, we’re also paying for her schooling (she’ll work part time for spending money, etc.) Frankly, if I were ever to attend a 4 year college, I would LOVE the whole dorm experience, at least my freshman year. I would just as soon my daughter live ON campus all four years, but I know that’s not always possible.</p>

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<p>Sorry, just read your post above. My D’s friends have all enjoyed their living in suites. D lived in one as well, tho she had to share a bedroom. She didn’t mind, tho she has ALWAYS had her own room & shares a bathroom with S when they are living at home. A suite is really a nice compromise and will likely help her be more social. Good luck, working out the options with your D!</p>

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<p>Many kids enter college as a sophomore or at least a 2nd semester freshman because of AP credits. Many colleges require that “first year” students live on campus - so the classification is not based on credit hours. Be sure to ask which is the case with your D’s college. </p>

<p>I told my D she had to live on campus the first 2 years - but she is getting an apt as a junior, and it will actually be cheaper than room + board + summer storage.</p>

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<p>It may help to explain to your daughter that students are not trapped in their rooms.</p>

<p>My daughter, who emphatically prefers a single room and got one her freshman year, had to live in a double as a sophomore. But this turned out not to be as intrusive as she had expected, partly because there were other places to go – including a very quiet study room in the dorm building.</p>

<p>There is a category of people at college who in my time were called lounge rats. They spent huge amounts of time studying/watching TV/hanging out in the public spaces in their dorms, rather than in their rooms. Another group (I was one of these) spent vast amounts of time in the libraries and student centers. Most of these people, I suspect from my own experience, did this because the did not enjoy being cooped up in a small space with their roommates (or they just plain did not like their roommates).</p>

<p>Anyway, there are more options in college lifestyles than most kids who are not yet in college realize.</p>

<p>As for apartments, sure, kids live in them, but not alone. Alone is much too expensive. One-bedroom apartments for one person are prohibitively expensive in most college communities. My daughter, who is a college junior, currently lives in an off-campus apartment with two roommates (three bedrooms, one bathroom). My son, when he was a junior and senior, lived in an apartment with three roommates. He is currently a graduate student, and again, he has three roommates (with all four people sharing a single bathroom that they are responsible for cleaning). This is how students live. The only real alternative is commuting to college from home – and some people who detest the thought of dorm living make that choice. But commuting does restrict the student’s choice of colleges to those in the immediate vicinity.</p>

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<p>I’m curious about how financial aid might be affected by an apartment.</p>

<p>Our daughter’s financial aid almost covers room and board as well as tuition, so living in the dorm is almost free. NO matter how cheap an apartment she might find, it is going to cost a whole lot more than a dorm!</p>

<p>Also, we would feel weird getting financial aid only to turn around and spend money on an unnecessary apartment.</p>

<p>It reminds me of a policy on local need-based scholarships at our school: they are rescinded if you get a new car, or if you take a trip to Europe as a graduation present. It is assumed that, if you have the funds for such “luxuries,” then someone else can use the scholarship more than you.</p>

<p>p.s. our daughters shared a room, and we have one bathroom for 5 family members: I have long told my kids that this would help them when they went away to college!</p>

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<p>I know that a teen will follow a parent around badgering for a better deal because I’ve lived it! Also, it makes sense behaviorally. They have a “no” and they can push for another option in the hopes of a better deal. What do they have to loose?</p>

<p>Watch Supernanny. I’m not kidding! She’s marvelous at setting boundaries and not getting drawn into unwinnable fights. </p>

<p>Dog training knowledge also helps. Really! A lot of aggression is fear based. Beating a dog for aggression without addressing the underlying fear doesn’t get you anywhere. At the same time, letting the frightened, aggressive creature run the house is no answer either.<br>
Good luck!</p>

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<p>There are some times when a year does not make a difference (say the difference between being 45 and 46) but there are other times when a year makes a huge difference (say between 12 months old and a 24 month old). </p>

<p>I saw that difference in Cub Scouts. The kid that was a solid 10 when others were just 9 was a kid that was confident and capable. </p>

<p>College age is a bit more variable. Some 17 year olds are more mature than some 19 year olds – but, overall, 17 is young. One could suggest a gap year of apartment living/working with a clear conscience. Maybe the kid doesn’t really need to live off campus and attend college but, instead, needs acknowledgement of a new stage of being. </p>

<p>I have offered some huge leaps to my kids on occasion. They tend to be very astonished that their old mum would be that open minded – and, after thinking it over for a day or so, they then tend to take a more traditional approach. What this does is make it clear that I am an ally in their growing up – I am not an adversary. </p>

<p>So, one could briskly say “I’m not comfortable with apartment living for a freshman year away at college. However, if you wanted to find an efficiency apartment here in town and work for a year on your own I could understand that choice. I’d help you with the deposit and the first month’s rent but after that you would need to earn the rest.”
Lay that puppy on the table and see what she says.</p>

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<p>Why does she want a kitchen if she doesn’t even cook?</p>

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<p>Momma J, your story reminded me of a friend, now almost 70, who never did laundry in college either. He MAILED the dirties home to mom on Mondays, and got his clean, ironed essentials back every week. But you know, he never married, so eventually he did have to learn to do his own laundry!</p>

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<p>I’m betting he sends it out, just to a laundry instead of mom.</p>

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<p>I’m seeing a 70 year old guy sending his 90 year old mom his laundry…</p>

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<p>Thanks again to everyone who replied.</p>

<p>2leashes - you’ve given me an idea. If her final choice has shared on-campus apartments that aren’t too much more than the dorm, that would be an option. I would still want her to get a meal plan, though. I just don’t want her completely on her own, off campus, freshman year.</p>

<p>Olymom - thanks for the great advice. I’ve trained dogs, so maybe it’s time to apply some of that knowledge. I’ll also try offering her the choice of staying in this area and getting an apartment, but I don’t know if she could even find a job in this economy. And she wouldn’t want to do that anyway. She “hates” this area and has been looking forward to going to college to get away.</p>

<p>Another issue that complicates things is there is a lot of family stress right now, and she wants a 12 month apartment so she doesn’t have to come home. I told her that many college students go to summer school and stay in the dorms all year and that would be an option too, plus it would mean she would have more options in the regular session, like a semester abroad. </p>

<p>midwesterner - Love the story about the guy who mailed his laundry home! Thank you for brightening my day.</p>

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<p>Re: staying during the summer, there are also often a lot of summer sublets from students who don’t stay during the summer and that could be a compromise. Have her demonstrate her responsibility in a dorm freshman year, then provided she gets job to support herself during the summer, you agree to support her in a quest for a summer apt. </p>

<p>I was also one who found that a shared apt (even on a 12 month lease) was cheaper than the dorms, so don’t put cost as a limiting factor or you may eat your words.</p>

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<p>Even the single seems as though it could be a really bad idea.
I have been living away from home since I was 16 (am currently a 19-year old freshman), and would not have had many of the wonderful experiences I’ve had without my countless roommates. they helped me transition, provided travel buddies, cooking buddies, laundry buddies, shoulders to cry on, and became some of my best friends. most universities in the US do a fairly good job of matching roommates for freshman- my roommate and i are the exact same level of messy, and go to bed within 20 minutes of each other, even on weekends. additionally, my school does not allow freshman to live in singles (or apartments) without medical reason. the one woman i know who does this has had a very hard time finding friends, and is moving into a suite next year. roommates (or suitemates, i guess), provide a surrogate family (as someone else said) and remind you that you’re not the only one going through the transition. i understand the idea of wanting privacy, but to me, it seems like roommates are an integral part of moving away from home, and i feel your daughter will be at a disadvantage because of her insistence on living alone.</p>

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<p>That’s a very good point. Sometimes people who are used to being alone embrace it as a security blanket and deny that there is a better way. They do need to explore alternate living situations; some will be bad, but others will be infinitely more rewarding. And the time to do this is when you are young. Many posters have mentioned how important freshman year friendships are; they are building blocks to other friends, opportunities and experiences. None of this is news to colleges, but a lot of kids and parents seem to think that living in a double is too difficult, when the truth is that most people can and will adapt.</p>

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<p>I have to disagree with the importance of roommates. There are plenty of schools that offer dorms with singles and freshmen have no problem at all making friends on their floor. You do not need a roommate to meet people or socialize. </p>

<p>My brother and I often discuss how the worst part of college was having roommates. And we got along fine with them and were even friends! It was the lack of privacy – having no door to close – which still, decades later, we remember as simply awful.</p>

<p>Most of my family is very introverted and we really crave our own space. But my super-social daughter also hated having a roommate. The dorms I have seen in other countries have all had only single rooms, so I think this idea that college must involve a roommate is very cultural and not a universal truth.</p>

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<p>OP - if you are in the mood to compromise, then I think this is a good option:</p>

<p>

</p>

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<p>college1styr,</p>

<p>Actually, many US colleges don’t attempt to match roommates at all, and even when they do, the person who appeared on paper may not reflect the real person at all. My D has absolutely nothing in common with her roommate, who has not been a source of friendship, companionship or anything else. They are simply two bodies sharing a living space. It’s a shame, but I like to think that adapting to that situation and looking for a solution (she has applied to move in with a friend) have been beneficial to her growth and development.</p>