Daughter wants an apartment freshman year

Parents Forum
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<p>i haven’t read your whole post, but if she is “demanding” anything, she has a problem. or, at least, she would have a problem with me.</p>

<p>lots of kids these days feel so entitled to everything. </p>

<p>i would be putting my foot down or let her pay the extra cost.</p>

<p>plus, freshmen should live ON CAMPUS, not in an apartment.</p>

<p>ok, i went back and read the rest.</p>

<p>your daughter is being a brat! no offense to your particular daughter, though. my daughter is being a brat on another topic right now (getting a job).</p>

<p>hold your ground.</p>

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<p>Understanding approach: She’s likely hearing a bazillion roommate-horror stories. You might try to communicate with her about exactly what’s upsetting her. Is it the sharing of space, no chance to entertain “friends,” worry that she’s messy or they might be…? What’s making her so worried. Maybe you can break through the wall.</p>

<p>Firm approach: Tell her you know that, although she has no domestic skills yet, you believe she is smart enough (scholarship earner) to learn the new skill of resolving conflicts and potentially make a good friend. She’ll need to share in the future, whether it’s with a life partner or office-mate. Start now. </p>

<p>Don’t give into this (unless you find a medical reason that is genuine, not developed in order to get her a single). You have a chance here to show her that an ultimatum is not resolving a conflict unless accompanied by a nuclear bomb.</p>

<p>My instinct from your OP is to suggest you condescend, put her in her place a bit and remind her she has many things to learn in college. Learning to live with someone where there are rules, RA’s (resident advisors) and a Dean of Housing is a good starting point. </p>

<p>I loved oldfort’s line about “you’re not going to make me cry over whether you go to college.”</p>

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<p>Wow, I am amazed at all the great advice! Thanks so much to all who responded.</p>

<p>I’ll definitely check with the housing office. Two of the three require freshmen to live on campus, but thanks to AP and dual enrollment, she will enter as a sophomore (as a junior if she gets 4s and 5s on her current APs). That complicates things, because she might be eligible for upper class on-campus housing, including on-campus apartments. At this time, an off-campus apartment is not an option – she’ll have to accept that.</p>

<p>Midwestmom – I’m going to use your line about two skill sets. Later, maybe over next summer, after freshman year, she will have the chance to develop the apartment living skill set at home.</p>

<p>Wildwood and Momlive – Thanks for the suggestion to get to the bottom of this issue. I think she’s borderline OCD and that has a lot to do with why she wants a single, plus she’s an introvert who has never shared a room and isn’t into the party scene. I think a single dorm room would be the best option, if we can get one. She does need her down time and private space, and she’s appalled by the stories she’s read about drunken roommates throwing up on the floor at 3am (I’ve told her that’s what RAs are for).</p>

<p>One of the colleges we visited had suites with private bedrooms and shared bathrooms, and she doesn’t want to share a bathroom with anyone (the OCD, if it’s that). I’ll check into whether the family doctor would write her a note recommending a private room and if not, maybe this would be a good time for counseling.</p>

<p>Neozeus – you’re right that it’s a maturity issue, and she does have a lot of growing up to do. She’s fine doing without some things she wants to have a private room. I checked costs and a private is doable, but the on-campus apartments are really expensive.</p>

<p>Oldfort and Marite – that’s exactly my concern, that she will be overwhelmed and isolated if she had an apartment, and won’t go to class. Of course it will break my heart if she decides not to go to college if she can’t have her own space, but ultimately it’s her decision. She does seem to think that her own apartment will be like living at home.</p>

<p>To everyone who said say no to an off-campus apartment – that’s what I’m going to do. Thanks for helping me get some perspective! A single would be great, but I don’t know about the on-campus apartments at one of her top choices. The college takes care of the maintenance, but those are way more expensive than a single dorm room. And yes, I think there is an element of manipulation here. </p>

<p>A problem with taking a gap year is that it’s unlikely that her scholarships will not roll over to the next admissions cycle. I’ll have to check this out too.</p>

<p>Compmom – thanks for the terrific advice. You must be so proud of your daughter - she sounds like an amazing person. I’ll tell her about your daughter – one of her biggest fears too is having a roommate. </p>

<p>Geezermom – yes, this is beyond anxious. I’ll look into shared interest dorms – that could make at least a single room more attractive than an apartment. </p>

<p>Blossom – one of my big mistakes as a parent is not making her do chores. I gave up because it would take nagging to get a few minutes of teenage labor, plus she has a very demanding schedule with APs and dual enrollment and sports. But some day she may have an equally demanding job, and no one to cook, clean, wait for the plumber, etc.</p>

<p>Sorry I haven’t responded to everyone yet, but thanks so much to all! </p>

<p>There are going to have to be some compromises. A single dorm room, fine. An on-campus apartment is more iffy – if I went along with that she would definitely not get a car, because of the extra expense. As for an off-campus apartment, I’ll just say no, and before we have the talk, I’ll reread this whole thread!</p>

<p>Sorry this is so long.</p>

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<p>i have DD#2 coming along who is not diagnosed OCD, but she does have some OCD tendencies. she is already worrying about sharing a dorm room. even now, she will have a fit if someone sits on her bed, so having a dorm room with friends who might come in and sit on her bed … HORRORS!</p>

<p>we would allow for a suite style dorm (if she ends up being able to go to a school with those) but would not pay more for a single and would def. not allow for an apartment.</p>

<p>sometimes apartments are cheaper than dorms once you add in the meal plan. but cost is not the only factor. the socialization is a HUGE part of dorm living for freshman.</p>

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<p>Won’t share a bathroom with anyone? I don’t think at any point in my entire 54 years I haven’t shared a bathroom and we have 3 bathrooms in our current house…5 people so we share at some junctures and I’m the only female so I dream about “my own bathroom.” Sharing a bathroom doens’t imply someone is in there while you are. Boy I’d be all over the suite style…learning to go in and out of bathroom that someone else also goes in and out will do her a world of real-world good but the single room will give her some privacy. She’s going to do some bathroom sharing somewhere in her life either in college, post college or if she marries. She must be an only-child? The mental hurdles need to get crossed…postponing them doesn’t make them go away. Anyway, sounds like you are headed in the right direction.</p>

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<p>Check with the schools in question. I have many students who enter as sophomores or juniors in terms of credit BUT they are treated as freshmen for everything else (for example, our rule that freshmen must live on campus). Even though she has tons of AP credit, she may only be a “lowly” freshman in terms of the rules/privileges.</p>

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<p>Would an on-campus apartment have single rooms and private bathrooms?
As a senior, S1 lived in an apartment owned by the college (not quite on-campus but very close) and was still able to use the meal plan, so not a great deal of cooking. We thought it would be a good transition to living on his own. In retrospect, it was not. His room was so tiny that in order to open the bureau drawer, he had to sit on his bed (to be fair, it was the smallest in the apartment). The bathroom turned out to be shared by 5 people (there were a total of 10 students and two bathrooms) and it was filthy because no one cared to do the chores (the dorm bathrooms were cleaned regularly and were spotless); the kitchen was similarly filthy. The one time we came to visit, the garbage was overflowing.
In short, it was not a happy living situation.</p>

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<p>The OP has already decided to say no, but I have one more opinion to add. Her daughter needs to understand that going to college is all about expanding your comfort zone, not hiding in it. If it has to be a private room or nothing, that’s a great reason to experience having a roommate for at least a year. And if the only kind of acceptable roommate would be one who shares her same interests, dislikes, faith, race or nationality, that’s an equally great reason to experience living with someone who can expose her on a regular basis to the many differences that characterize us all. Students will get their sensibilities offended, they’ll read works that anger them, they’ll hear opinions for which they initially have no tolerance. And that’s all as it should be! Without friction, wheels never turn and no progress is made. Most students learn to embrace new and different experiences during their time at college, but for many, it’s something they have to grow into.</p>

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<p>It would have made my life a lot easier if he had a dorm but his campus had a waiting list that was pretty long and the other campuses were tight too. The school wound up renting a hotel in another state to house students. They had to take a bus back and forth to their classes. The school bought a hotel this year and students are staying there and taking buses back and forth.</p>

<p>He was in a frat for his internship last summer so he knows what frats are like now.</p>

<p>That said, the apartment makes it really convenient for my daughter to take dual-enrollment courses now. I’m in the apartment right now connected to the office. It’s a very nice place for working as I don’t have people coming into my office all the time to chat or look at my stock monitor.</p>

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<p>Is your daughter separating from a boyfriend who she hopes to have as a frequent visitor? I remember all of the drama my daughter went through and the attempts she made to keep up a hs relationship as a freshman in a college 200 miles from his.</p>

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<p>Not sharing a bathroom is usually not an option even for those who get singles in the dorms. Usually there will be a shared bathrooms for the whole floor, or, if she is lucky, for the “suite” (2-5 people).</p>

<p>Counseling before leaving for college will probably be a good idea for her.</p>

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<p>^^she could just be pushing buttons or being a drama queen to see how far she can manipulate the situation. Regardless the housing situations are unique at each institution and yes while she may have a bunch of AP credits but for housing may be a freshman status. A good friend of mine had a daughter that pitched a hissy about housing and wanted an apartment was going in with sophomore credit status, but classified as a freshman for housing. They were able to secure a single, paying extra, in available freshman housing.</p>

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<p>I chime in and say one’s own apartment freshman year is a bad idea in many ways FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, and entirely unfair to you. </p>

<p>I have a terrible feeling though that the issue isn’t so much about solving the residence problem as it is about you being able to stand up to your daughter’s unreasonable request. I will hedge a bet this is not the first one. </p>

<p>From the bit you’ve shared, she seems pretty entitled thus far. You are in a unique situation of not only having an outlandish demand from your child, but also not even knowing how to respond to it without feeling bad about it. </p>

<p>It’s too late to turn back the clock and get her making her own lunches, booking her own medical appointments, doing her own laundry…but maybe it is not too late for you to start separating yourself, and making a distinction between YOUR problems and HER problems. As a parent, you really CAN say something like this: “I can not and will not covering the cost of an apartment so this is your problem to solve, and you’ll have to figure it out. If you are old enough to have an apartment, as you say, you are certainly old enough to decide you will not go to college if you so choose, and I will try to respect that but then you are on your own to find a job and your own place to live. And you are certainly old enough to solve this accommodation issue on your own. You may have to research each school, apply to some late deadline schools that offer singles, find a creative way to pay for it yourself, or something else.”</p>

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<p>You shouldn’t wait to introduce your child to household cleaning. (You are already at least five years late, by my estimate.) A lot of people can be fussy about their bathroom or laundry until they share the perspective of the one who cleans. Perfection suddenly flies out the window…</p>

<p>The laundry is eaiest to start them on, and it has a direct effect on her life, as well as a built-in deadline. Get that going immediately, and add in her room and bathroom as time goes on. You will learn a lot about your child in seeing how she faces the challenge of cleaning, and she will learn a lot about why you had to say “no” to living off-campus. </p>

<p>About the apartment: one of my nieces, who did cook and clean, moved out of the dorm and into a house junior year, and found the demands so great that she moved back to the dorm senior year. It was just too distracting and she could not concentrate on her studies because of the partying neighbors. At least in a dorm, there is an RA if things get out of hand. Do help her look for a dorm with quiet hours, or at least one that has the sexes separated by floors.</p>

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<p>Can i just add that you should start HELPING your daughter help herself! Why are YOU the one who is going to contact the housing office? Ask the doctor? Looking into shared interest dorms? </p>

<p>You aren’t doing her any favors here. She’s already not equipped to go off to college, but she has 7 months to grow a lot, get more confidence, learn to take initiative and solve problems she encounters…these are all really important skills for college and living on one’s own.</p>

<p>This might make you feel better to do all this everytime, but she is being hurt by it. Seriously.</p>

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<p>If she won’t share a bathroom does she plan to stay stateside all her life? Traveling almost always means using some bathrooms that are . . . not like those at home. </p>

<p>I think you should counter threat with threat. “Wow. You know when you throw down the gauntlet like this I think I’ve been too much of a doormat for you. Why don’t you start doing your own laundry starting tonight so I can see your adult capabilities.” Say something like that EVERY time she throws a demand your way and pretty soon she’ll stop. </p>

<p>It is also a good idea to leave the premises after laying down the law. It sounds chicken but otherwise the kid follows you around and harangues you for a better deal. Go grocery shopping. Go mow the lawn. Go walk the dog. </p>

<p>She is nervous – but she absolutely is testing you to see how far you can be pushed. </p>

<p>Tell her that you love her – and you are also looking forward to September when you won’t be in each other’s pockets. If she gets nasty, tell her she needs to plan to be gone by mid September. You will respect her choice if it is working or if it is at college but gone she must be. It is time. Say that firmly, then leave. </p>

<p>Good luck. Bad behavior escalates if you give in to it.</p>

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<p>My oldest entered as a sophomore creditwise, but was still considered a freshman for housing, etc. My middle DDs school treats all first-year students as freshmen, even for registration, etc. That seems fairly common from what I’ve seen. That alone might solve your issue. </p>

<p>Otherwise, you are the parent and if you are paying, just say no. My oldest is sort of a loner, but loved the dorm and made great friends there. If she really hates it, you can re-evaluate at the end of the semester.</p>

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<p>I think many of the responses have been a little strong regarding your daughter’s readiness for college independence. While I agree that she is not prepared for apartment living at this point, the fact that she isn’t doing laundry, etc., at home right now is irrelevant to her eventual adjustment to college. My kids were rarely doing household chores in high school and they had no trouble whatsoever adapting to dorm life. It’s really not rocket science. </p>

<p>I think she should be doing much of the research investigating single room housing, but there’s no reason not to help her with this. My advice would be to state your objection to the apartment clearly and firmly – make it simply non-negotiable. But then work together, in a non-confrontational manner, to help find a single room solution on campus.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I think the whole credit issue is why most schools call them “first years” and not “freshman” anymore, since most kids are bringing in semester’s worth of credits these days. But they still need to learn how to live on campus.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. I second the “start” with doing her own laundry and the dishes and making her own lunches. ASAP.</p>

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<p>I only read the OP</p>

<p>fwiw having a student “demand” her own apartment…pulllease!</p>

<p>It will be a huge mistake to not live on campus her first year–for so many reasons…</p>

<p>and any kid who “demands”…has an attitude/gratitute and entitlement problem. </p>

<p>Do her a favor and put her in a dorm. Hopefully life in community --and she will grow up.</p>