<p>Hello, I had posted a few months ago about my concerns that my daughter might not be ready to go away to college. She actually started out the year doing very well; she is happy with her choice of college, liked her roommate and made many friends. Her classes are quite challenging, but she seems to be doing ok with a lot of studying, getting involved with study groups, etc. HOWEVER, when she came home for Christmas, she just broke down crying about how no one wants to live with her next year. At her school, most students move off campus for sophomore year and rent a house with 2 - 4 other students. She had originally been planning to look for place with her current roommate, but roommate told her she now wants to share with other people. My daughter's other friends have also made other arrangements. She is still very upset and I don't know what to tell her. She is the sweetest, kindest person, and she tries so hard to fit in, but she seems to have a really hard time making close friends. I have suggested she speak to her floor advisor or counsellor, but I don't know what else to suggest to her.</p>
<p>My daughter has been pondering a similar issue even though it is for on campus housing. Sophomore housing is apartment style with groups of 4-6 same sex students living together. She has been trying to work out a group to make it work and thus far has not (she has some time - groups are needed once they start assigning rooms in March.)</p>
<p>The issue is particularly sensitive for my daughter because for the official 8th grade overnight trip she got shafted and no other girls put her in a room with them so she ended up in the room with the “leftover girls.” It was a very traumatic experience for her.</p>
<p>I have told her to be aggressive this time and actively pursue roommates. I would say the same for your daughter - don’t assume that things are all set up. She should ask any friend she would be happy to live with if they would include her in their room, or even better approach them and say she would like to include them in “her” room.</p>
<p>Some people just need more time to find roommates.</p>
<p>Is on-campus housing guaranteed for sophomores at your daughter’s school? If it is, she might want to choose it so that she will have a chance to meet more people and find compatible roommates for the following year.</p>
<p>Being a “leftover” does not mean being a freak. Quite a lot of perfectly normal people find themselves without prospective roommates for sophomore year or even later. They get matched up with other leftovers, and it usually works out OK. </p>
<p>One of my kids was a “leftover” as a sophomore, the other as a senior. Their eventual housing arrangements turned out OK.</p>
<p>One more point: Embarrassing as it may be, your daughter should publicize the fact that she doesn’t have a housing plan yet. Sometimes, people who are forming groups need one extra person to fill the place where they want to live. If they know your daughter is still looking, they might ask her. This is how I solved my own “leftover” problem for sophomore year. I told lots of people that I didn’t have a place to live, and two people who needed a third person for a three-girl suite approached me a couple of days later.</p>
<p>Thank-you. I have encouraged her to be more assertive and pro-active with finding the roommates. She feels rejected and it has hurt her confidence. She is worried that her floor advisor will suggest random people or she will end up with other “leftover” people as you say your daughter was when she was younger. I am so proud of how my daughter has been coping with all the new challenges, and I would hate for this to derail her. In a self- pitying mood she had even suggested that she might drop out! I doubt it would really come to that, but I feel this is a lot of stress to cope with and it is distracting her from her academics and from enjoying the present. I know my daughter cannot be the only one struggling with this issue. She does have friends and I have seen pictures of them all laughing and having a great time. I’m sure most people would not notice that she is feeling quite alone and scared.</p>
<p>Marian, we were posting at the same time. Thank you both for your advice. I think this situation is causing me to relive other situations when my daughter was left out, and that is making me sad for her. I am going to continue to encourage her to keep a positive attitude and continue to get the word out there that she islooking. she would be a great roommate for many people, im sure. I am also going to suggest that she apply for sophomore on campus housing, even those spaces are limited. If she is offered a space and late finds another situation, she can turn down the spot (until March I think).</p>
<p>I think your advice about talking with her floor advisor is a good one, as the FA may know of thus-far unattached girls from other floors that your daughter could connect with before making any decisions. They may be “random” to her at first, but when she meets with the girls she may find some very kindred spirits ! </p>
<p>She should definitely talk with the housing office about options, and her seniority options. As a sophomore, she may be able to get a single if that would appeal to her, too. Or would that be too lonely for her? If she could pair up with just ONE other girl, is she interested in staying on campus in a double? </p>
<p>Another wild idea that has worked for some kids, and maybe for your daughter: Has she considered asking some guys if they need a house- or apartment-mate? Some of my best living arrangements in college and law school were coed. It may not be for her, but just a thought. I know friends’ kids that are sharing apartments with 2 girls and 2 guys, and it’s all working just fine. (Not sharing a bathroom with the other gender helps keep the peace…)</p>
<p>Sorry this has shaken her up so. It’s early in the process, but it generally does work out for everyone. Way too early to think about dropping out! Good luck to her.</p>
<p>My daughters school had a sign up sheet for people without roommates and for roommates who needed a fourth or fifth…it was no big deal to have name in list. For my d girls she wanted to live with wanted an apartment too far for her,from campus. She hooked up with three girls who needed a fourth to get the on campus apartment style housing.</p>
<p>At both my’s kids’ college towns, lots of students used Craigslist. There were often posts of groups looking to fill a spot in their apt. or someone who wasn’t coming back to school and needed to sublease their room.</p>
<p>It may be a blessing. My daughter was roommates with girls she was very friendly with and by the end of the term she could not stand living with them. It is sometimes hard to be assertive with friends regarding apartment issues (money, cleaning, etc.). She ended up answering an ad to live with two other girls she didn’t know at all (different school years, majors, etc). Ended up working out beautifully - there were no existing friendships to cloud the issues and she ended up having a good relationship with the two roommates she didn’t know at first.</p>
<p>It would really make sense to try to discourage the “leftover people” line of thinking. I understand it as a category of 8th grade thought, especially for girls, but by college it’s time to outgrow it.</p>
<p>And it’s toxic. The OP’s daughter could find great, compatible, considerate roommates, but if they are “leftover people” she won’t see their value, and they will probably sense her contempt.</p>
<p>As for the main problem – that’s life. The roommate shuffle can be tough. On the other hand, when my son wanted to move off campus, his friends were either already spoken for or not yet willing to go, so he wound up living with two people he barely knew at first. But that was MUCH more successful than when he lived with a friend the next year. He had better luck than judgment!</p>
<p>Two of mine did not find off campus roommates and unwillingly ended up in upperclass dorm singles for sophomore year. They were more proactive in finding a spot for junior year and one actually organized an apartment while the other found a place that needed another roommate. As JHS says, that’s life. I also have seen the roommate arrangements work better with people not in the friends circle many, many times. Familarity breeds contempt truly rings true in these situations. When it works, it’s beautiful, but otherwise, it’s not.</p>
<p>Is there a Facebook group active for her class year? My son is a freshman at big public, and he says there are a bunch of FB posts, mostly from girls, looking for one more roommate for their house/apt.
If there is something similar at her school she might find a group that way.</p>
<p>Good luck to her. As I have less and less control, I worry more. Another mom I know frames her response to college kid’s challenges/issues, by asking “hmmm, that sounds tough. What do you think you could do about it?” So hard not to march in to try to fix for them.</p>
<p>I would reiterate to her that there can be a big benefit of not living with your best friends at college. It can create a lot of tensions that damage otherwise good friendships. It is great to have a bunch of good friends whose apartment you can hang out in, and then go back to your own place.</p>
<p>She should look at the roommate situation as an opportunity to expand her friend group and find someone who is more of an acquaintance than a friend to live with next year. There must be a FB group she can post in. Just do it with good humor and positive energy. Look at it as a random roommate assignment and a chance to meet a whole new group of people. </p>
<p>My DD is living next year with a girl on her hall this year who she knows and likes, but is not one of her best friends. They are both enthusiastic about having a roommate who they can choose to hang out with when they choose, but are not obligated to do everything together. They are going into it knowing that the other has very different interests and circles of friends.</p>
<p>D took a single sophomore year because of a complicated and dramatic potential roommate situation - we didn’t want her living alone off campus. For her junior-senior year, she is sharing an apartment off campus with someone who is a “friendly acquaintance” - certainly not a close friend but someone with whom she can live.</p>
<p>Her older sister went to a school where all seniors were given single rooms on campus (even if they wanted doubles), because seniors there do an intense senior thesis project and apparently they had discovered over the years that roommate problems and intense academic work don’t mix!</p>
<p>My DD had a lot of drama in this regard too. Two different girls who she was going to room with bailed for different reasons. And at her school, they start doing this in the Fall! It was crazy. She went into soph year with a random roommate, but chose suite style so she would meet more people. The random roommate was no big deal (never in the room and transferred after a semester), but she met a good group of friends. Tons of people have roommate issues. She is not alone. It’s hard and painful, but it is not the end of the world.</p>
<p>I would second the idea of getting away from the concept of the “leftover” people. Most of them, like your D, are probably perfectly nice people who don’t have a match yet for some reason similar to hers. The idea of checking the class FB page or any housing postings in the housing office is also a sound one. I remember my now BIL got a room in a 5 bedroom apartment that way one year. Two girls had leased the place and organized it and he and his best friend moved in along with one other guy. His best friend ended up marrying one of the girls and they are getting ready to send their first born off to college next year!</p>
<p>“Leftover” people is a really BAD vibe that needs to immediately scrubbed. Please help set the tone for this and reminding her that this is a great opportunity and NOT a punishment.</p>
<p>I had two strangers as my apartment mates for my SR year; I had strangers for room mates both of the two years I lived in college as an undergrad. My room mates and I got along OK, even if we didn’t become best buddies. It’s all a matter of perspective, and as many have said, a great opportunity for her to widen her circle of friends and meet new people. Good luck!</p>
<p>D has made lots of new friends by having people she didn’t know share an apartment with her; S has as well.</p>
<p>My D had a similar experience last year and she was very upset initially. I encouraged her to ask around, and she quickly found a new friend who was interested in rooming with her. They ended up adding a third friend who had been ditched by another group. Things have worked out well, and she learned that sometimes you have to show your vulnerability and take a risk. </p>
<p>I know that your D doesn’t want to look like a loser, but I’m sure that there are others out there looking for roommates. I hope things work out for her.</p>
<p>S thought he had a group arranged to live with, and then it all fell apart when one of the girl’s parents forbade her to share an apartment with boys (or something like that). There was considerable drama and uncertainty, but it worked out in the end–at the last minute–someone he knew got a study abroad scholarship, opening up a spot in an apartment. This is working out great–but everyone is a senior except him, so if he keeps that apartment next year, he’ll need to find 3 new roommates. </p>
<p>I completely agree that the “leftover people” idea is toxic. This is a logistics problem, not an invitation to the prom.</p>
<p>I agree with Marian. There will be someone for her to room with , even if that means staying on campus another year.
Girls can be brutal !</p>