<p>I have a Northwestern personal statement and essay. If anyone wants to help me, I can e-mail them to you.</p>
<p>Or tell me if you want me to post it on this site.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>really need some help!</p>
<p>i'll just post it:</p>
<p>After a typical day of running errands and fixing computers at the International Institute, Bernie Kunos, the educational director, called me into her office for a request. The intern teacher for the ESL computer class failed to show up, so Bernie asked me to substitute for a day. The class focused on basic computer skills such as opening and using applications. The computer class had fifteen old Compaqs without internet connection. Microsoft Office and various typing programs were installed on each of the computers.<br>
I eagerly took the temporary post. </p>
<p>Upon entering class, I noticed only three students present. A Liberian woman, a Venezuelan woman, and a Japanese man all waited patiently for my instructions. After introducing myself, I allowed the students to type their goals for the class using Microsoft Word. While her two classmates were busy using Word, the Liberian woman fidgeted with mouse, not knowing how to use it. She stared into the screen with puzzlement. I later learned that she had never even seen a computer. Even handling a mouse, something I took for granted, was a completely alien process to the student. </p>
<p>The following and subsequent days, the intern teacher still failed to come, and I was replaced as the substitute teacher for the rest of the summer. The class was held two days a week. I continued to teach the three students on basic usage of computers. The Liberian woman especially became more proficient. Once she saw her progress in the class, she asked Mrs. Kunos to enroll her family and relatives. The Liberian woman and her family were refugees who emigrated from Liberia just a few weeks before. Soon the class consisted of twelve students. Mrs. Kunos went on to fill the class with a Somali refugee couple and a Burmese man, who was a prisoner-of-war. </p>
<p>The big group of students made for a lively class session. Everyone had a good time by putting their differences away and helping each other in the learning process. I worked individually with each student, since everyone had a different skill level. For the beginners, I introduced the parts of the computer and allowed them to practice using the mouse. Soon, the class was able to open and use applications such as Word and various typing programs. I loved it when the students shrieked in amazement when they saw a paper being printed out. I can never forget their look of wonder when documents were printed. When students learn something new, I occasionally heard, Excellent, I didnt know you could do that.</p>
<p>One day, while I was walking to my car, a woman came running towards me. I frantically asked her if something was wrong, but her only reply was, Thank you again, you are so much help. On the drive home, I thought about the parking lot incident. Suddenly a huge smile appeared on my face as I came to a realization: I, for the first time, directly made a positive difference in the lives of fifteen people. Even though I had previously volunteered at the hospital and had tutored classmates, the gratification I received from teaching the group of people at the institute was greater. Such a small deed had a profound effect on the students. </p>
<p>I really need some help.</p>
<p>Thanks</p>
<p>Vinnzy:</p>
<p>I think the overall topic works.</p>
<p>The only major critique I have is that you give us no context. We don't know what the International Institute is or why you are there.</p>
<p>As far as the actual writing goes, I would definitely ditch the final sentence. It would be stronger to end with the next to last sentence, and maybe stronger still to ditch that one, too!</p>
<p>I feel that the writing could be tighter. I'm too essayed out to give sentence by sentence edits. But, the writing is a little too passive. Try reducing the length; the essay will be better. For example, we don't really care that the computers were old Compaqs. Try reading it out loud or having your parents read it out loud while you listen. You might have to walk away from it for a day and come back with a fresh set of eyes.</p>
<p>Also, I suspect that the essay would flow better if you focused exclusively on the Liberian woman and her family. Maybe give her a name and bring her to life a bit more -- perhaps an image of her waving the mouse around in the air.</p>
<p>Interesteddad,
Thank you for your reply. I forgot to post the actual question, sorry! Question: In 1972 meteorologist Edward Lorenz theorized that a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could cause a tornado in Texas. What small action had a larger impact than you expected? How were you affected by the consequences? (400-500 words). Do you still think my essay fits the topic?</p>
<p>Yes, I will add the reason for working at the Institute, and a bit of what they do in the beginning. The Institute is a non-profit agency that gives advice to immigrants and refugees that newly came to America. They offer legal counseling, ESL (English as a second language) classes, computer classes, and other things that you have to know to survive in America. My family also being immigrants, often go there for legal advice on visa/green card issues. So everytime I visit, I see different people, and I thought it would be nice to help out their cause. I didn't do it at first because I thought it would kind of be a boring start. Any suggestions on using a different approach?</p>
<p>I think I'll take out the last two sentences like you said. I think it ends with a bang that way. </p>
<p>Also, do I need to add more personal introspection about working there? I don't know if I reflected on the experience enough.</p>
<p>Lastly, I don't completely understand your part about following the Liberian woman. in the fourth paragraph, I talked about what we did in the class as a whole. Should add/focus more on the Liberian woman and her family? Or is it something else?</p>
<p>Thanks</p>
<p>you replaced the teacher</p>
<p>Vinzzy:</p>
<p>I don't think it matters one iota that college essays answer the prompt. The prompts are supposed to provide hints about what a college is looking for, but they often end up sending kids down a deadend street. Your essay is fine for that prompt.</p>
<p>By emphasizing the Liberian woman, I really meant that it would be nice to bring your students a little more to life. You hold us at some distance by refering to them only as "a Liberian woman", etc. Sometimes, it is effective to focus more narrowly on one student and bring them to life by providing details. You already head in that direction with your essay. It just struck me that it could be a little stronger.</p>
<p>I think the fact that you are an immigrant family makes the essay much stronger. It gives "the Institute" and your teaching a context that tells the reader something about you.</p>
<p>The way you described the center in your forum post just now is actually your best writing. Just a matter of fact description -- that would be a good style for your essay.</p>
<p>This is an excellent topic for the essay, and for any college essay. I do notice that the writing is quite stiff. I'm wondering if you could fix that and still sound like you. For instance: "Suddenly a huge smile appeared on my face as I came to a realization"... This is told in a wierd disembodied way. Most people will say "I kept smiling throughout the day as I realized..."</p>
<p>I also think it adds strongly for you to provide your connection with the Institute and the reason for you being there. This makes it very clear that you are the type of person who will benefit from college and bring that benefit back to your community.</p>
<p>"After a typical day of running errands and fixing computers at the International Institute, Bernie Kunos, the educational director, called me into her office for a request." It wasn't Ms. Kunos who was running errands and fixing computers; it was, presumably, you. You don't want to start your essay with a grammatical error.</p>
<p>Thank you very much for all your comments. I have taken all your suggestions and revised the essay.</p>
<p>The International Institute of Akron is a non-profit agency that gives advice to immigrants and refugees that newly came to America. They offer legal counseling, ESL (English as a second language) classes, computer classes, and other essential needs to survive in America. My family, also being immigrants, often went there for legal advice on visa and green card issues. Every time I visit the Institute, I see different people, and I thought it would be nice to help out their cause. </p>
<p>The educational director, Bernie Kunos, put me as her assistant. I ran day-to-day errands for her and fixed the old computers in the computer class. One time, however, Mr. Kunos asked me to substitute as a computer teacher for the ESL students because the intern teacher failed to show up. I eagerly took position, which was only for a day.</p>
<p>Upon entering class, I noticed only three students present. A Liberian woman, a Venezuelan woman, and a Japanese man all waited patiently for my instructions. After introducing myself, I allowed the students to type their goals for the class using Microsoft Word. While her two classmates were busy using Word, Kamaria, the Liberian woman, fidgeted with mouse, not knowing how to use it. She waved the mouse in air and stared into the screen with puzzlement. I later learned that she had never even seen a computer. Even handling a mouse, something I took for granted, was completely alien to Kamaria. </p>
<p>The following and subsequent days, the intern teacher still failed to come, and I was replaced as the substitute teacher for the rest of the summer. The class was held two days a week. I continued to teach the three students on basic usage of computers. Kamaria especially became more proficient. I was proud to see her from not being able to computer at all to being able to print her own documents. Seeing her own progress in the class, Kamaria asked Mrs. Kunos to enroll her family and relatives. Kamarias family was refugees who emigrated from Liberia just a few weeks before. Soon the class consisted of twelve students. Mrs. Kunos went on to fill the class with a Somali refugee couple and a Burmese man, who was a political prisoner-of-war. </p>
<p>The diverse group of students made for a lively class session. By putting their differences away, the class had fun by helping each other in the learning process. I worked individually with each student, since everyone had a different skill level. For the beginners, I introduced the parts of the computer and allowed them to practice using the mouse. Getting to know Kamarias family was wonderful. We exchanged details of our culture and beliefs. Soon, the class was able to open and use applications such as Word and various typing programs. I loved it when the students shrieked in amazement when they saw a paper being printed out. I can never forget their look of wonder when documents were printed. My favorite comment was when a student remarked, Excellent, I didnt know you could do that!</p>
<p>One day, while I was walking to my car, a woman came running towards me. I frantically asked her if something was wrong, but her only reply was, Thank you again, you are so much help. On the drive home, I thought about the parking lot incident. I kept smiling throughout the day as I realized that I, for the first time, directly made a positive difference in the lives of fifteen people. </p>
<p>(It's a bit long with 577 words. But I kind of feel that everything in the essay needed to be said. The entire essay actually fits on one page though.)</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>The following and subsequent days, the intern teacher still failed to come, and I was replaced as the substitute teacher for the rest of the summer. YOU WERE NOT REPLACED, YOU WERE THE REPLACEMENT. IT SHOULD READ "Subsequently, the intern teacher failed to show and I was made the permanant substitute teacher for the rest of the summer." In your sentance you are saying they replaced you.</p>
<p>The International Institute of Akron is a non-profit agency that gives advice to immigrants and {new}refugees [that newly came] to America.</p>
<p>The educational director, Bernie Kunos, [put] {took} me {on} as her assistant.</p>
<p>Kamaria, the Liberian woman, fidgeted with {the} mouse,</p>
<p>The following [and subsequent] days, ... and I was [replaced] appointed as the substitute teacher for the rest of the summer. </p>
<p>I was proud to see her {go} from not being able to computer at all to being able to print her own documents.</p>
<p>who was a political prisoner-of-war. (huh? how come he is in the US if he is a POW?)</p>
<p>By putting their differences away, (what kind of differences are you referring to here? political, linguistic, cultural, social?)</p>
<p>Radar- Sorry for not picking up that before, I fixed it now though. Thanks</p>
<p>Marite- I said they put their cultural differences away, is that okay?
The Burmese man escaped from the military dictatorship in Myanmar, also known as Burma a few days before. He was held as a political prisoner of war. The U.S. offered him an asylum. He brought his wife and 3 year old daughter with him. Do I have to explain all this, or is there a better way?
Also, in the second to the last paragraph, the part about me having a wonderful time getting know Kamaria's family, is that out of place?</p>
<p>Also someone said that he doesn't "really see 'the small act made a big difference' in ur essay, especially the small act part." My small act was talkin up the post as a substitute, but do I have to make that a bit more concrete?</p>
<p>Thanks</p>
<p>Vinzzy:</p>
<ol>
<li>perhaps it's better to say that they overcame their cultural differences.</li>
<li>you do need to explain that the Burmese man, had escaped his country where he was a political prisoner (a prisoner of war is usually a soldier), and had arrived in the US with his family only a few days earlier. </li>
<li> Yes, that sentence is out of place.</li>
<li>I think what you've done is not a small act. It was intended to be a small contribution, when you were going to be helping out just one day, but it metastasized into something much more time-consuming and important and for many of the people you helped, potentially life-changing.</li>
</ol>
<p>I don’t know if you think so but isn’t the ending a little abrupt . Like why does the lady suddenly come up to you saying thanks…I felt it a little out of place while reading that part but you don’t have to make any changes if you don’t think so …Ask someone else about the same before going for it.</p>
<p>The original post was in December 2004.</p>
<p>^^^^ I hope he’s finished the editing by now.</p>