Dealing with Deadbeat Parents for College Costs

Parent Cafe
1

<p>...My ex got several court orders limiting his contribution to college to a mere pittance, especially given his earnings and wealth from an inheritance - compared to my financial situation (I work part-time to care for my mother who has Alzheimer's). And his contributions end when our S turns 21 in his junior year. Then what does the court expect my S to do? Drop out of college?</p>

<p>Not only does my ex have to pay next to nothing for college, and then only for three years, he also got a court-ordered $75K equity loan against our jointly-owned house to give him money, he split this loan with me in cash (a condition of my co-signing it), paid half of the monthly payments on this loan for a year and then turned around and asked the court to make me pay the full loan payments since I was still living in the house! I proved he took the cash to pay his personal credit card charge bill of $30K - that had charges related to his adultery like $800 B&B weekends, Match.com memberhsip, etc. but his buddies in the courts still insisted I had to pay this loan in full. So in addition to having to pay for almost all of college myself, for the last seven years, I've had to make monthly payments to finance my ex's philandering... </p>

<p>Worse, when he does pay any college costs (after months of pleading and begging for every dime), he scrutinizes every bill and deducts anything that doesn't match the exact letter of the law - e.g., our S's book bill had notebooks on it for $11. My ex deducted the $11 saying 'notebooks weren't books" and he was not court-ordered to pay for them! Plus, he got the court to agree that he didn't have to pay a dime for AP exam fees, SAT prep and fees, college application fees, college visit expenses, etc. claiming that these "weren't college costs"! I had to finance every last penny of the preliminary costs myself. I argued to the courts than no one can simply show up on a college campus and announce "hi! I'm here!" and that it takes years of planning, preparation, testing, and related costs to get accepted to a college. But the courts refused to accept this basic logic and ruled in favor of one of their own.... </p>

<p>I cannot hire a lawyer since the local lawyers know it's really the judges assistants like my ex who write the court decisions that the judges just rubber stamp so the local lawyers will not risk an adverse decision from my ex on their other cases for me. And I need permission from the administrative judge to move this case out of the area and guess what? yep, the administrative judge is a personal friend of my ex so he refused me permission to move my divorce. SO I've been struggling to do everything myself with no good results - the appellate courts reject everything I ask for. I went to family court for help and they slammed the door (literally) in my face once they saw my ex's name on the application since they are all friends with him and he's been spreading rumors in the courthouse that I am crazy. </p>

<p>Tried to get my ex to avoid court altogether and sign an agreement or mediate but he refused since he knew he'd have the upper hand in his courts. He takes me to court constantly and does all his own legal work - he even put me on the stand and cross-examined me himself claiming my menopause symptoms were really a sign of mental illness to discredit me!</p>

<p>At this point, I have nothing but contempt for the courts and the loose laws in our states (written by more lawyers) that allow this abuse. I belong to a local 3,000 member strong support group of individuals who have also been abused by their more powerful/political/experienced/affluent ex's in the courts - ex's who were lawyers, judges, cops, political supporters, etc. - in other words, people who can work the system to their advantage, or who paid enough for the judges in the system to get where they are so they really work for them.</p>

<p>There are far too many deadbeat parents out there who are legal deadbeats. Yes they may be paying what the courts ordered them to pay, but what they are paying is based on lies, corruption, or bribes. My ex is a deadbeat with capital letters.</p>

<p>Thank God my S's college financial aid people understood my situation and helped out ... They tossed in even more money when I showed them all the court orders against me. But many colleges my S and I met with acted like parents like me are making it all up - Boston College wouldn't offer us a dime in aid! </p>

<p>As for making this up - read "Lopez-Torrez vs the State of New York" A judicial candidate in NY, with NYU law school's help, took the NYS courts to Federal court on the corruption in the system. The Federal decision noted that 'the NYS court system is the most corrupt in the nation".</p>

<p>Lucky me.</p>

2

<p>Can’t you get the jurisdication changed under the circumstances?</p>

3

<p>Nope - the administrative judge is the one who makes that decision and he’s a friend of my ex. … I can’t even go “up the ladder” for help!</p>

4

<p>Try the media. They’re bored … find a young would be investigative journalist. I’m sure your ex would not like to see his deadbeat dad status and legal manipulations in print.</p>

5

<p>I cannot speak to the overall unfairness of your situation, but whilst your ex may win the battle and avoiding paying, you will win the war and have the loving, caring relationship with your DH who will have seen the sacrifices you have made</p>

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<p>I wonder if your S has any relationship with his FA. Thank goodness you found a school that is sensitive to your needs. Its tough being married to a lawyer who knows how to manipulate the system. For that matter, I know many wealthy men who hire the best lawyers to find ways to contribute the minimal for child support. Some people receive nothing for college education, others half for in-state tuition only.</p>

<p>I like hmom5’s idea about finding a reporter to write about paying for college expenses when divorced (divorcing). </p>

<p>You and S will get thru this, and you’ll be relieved to be free of this man, with his public mask and real self.</p>

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<p>

This is the only part of your story that I’m skeptical about. You just haven’t found a lawyer who is hungry enough. You might have to find a lawyer a bit farther away.</p>

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<p>You can also contact Legal Aid or the ACLU for help - they’re usually eager to take on the powers that be.</p>

<p>And Hunt is correct - NY is a big state. Go to the next county and hire a lawyer that doesn’t usually appear in your local court, so doesn’t care about “adverse decisions” against his/her other clients.</p>

9

<p>Wow, your ex is going to pay some costs until your son is 21. You are lucky. I have a neighbor that has an ex who stopped paying support at 18. Even though this guy had taken his kid to visit colleges and encouraged his child to do well so she get into some great schools, he completely changed his tune when he divorced during his kid’s senior year. The court ordered child support until age 18 and that was it!! My neighbor begged and pleaded with her ex to help with college but he refused. So the girl went to a state school, she and her mom are taking out loans, she is working two jobs, and ,during the summer, she takes community college classes so she can graduate early.</p>

<p>But the good news is that this young lady has become a mature, disciplined student and worker. She is determined to get her degree! The sad (but predictable) news is she wants nothing to do with her father.</p>

10

<p>Is it a good idea to have almost completely identified your husband & son here??</p>

11

<p>What about the ACLU?</p>

12

<p>Whatever attorney represented you in the original divorce settlement didn’t do a very good job. Your ex has tons of money, and you not so much? Where’s the alimony? Where’s the child support?</p>

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<p>Perhaps a whisper in the federal prosecutors’ ear. An investigation wouldn’t do your soon-to-be-ex a whole lot of good, would it? However, I agree that you are lucky to get ANYTHING out of him for college. In TX child support ends at 18, unless the parent agrees, and even then, past 18 is is merely a civil judgment (breach of contract) if he fails to pay.</p>

14

<p>It shocks me your lawyer can’t get you a change of jurisdiction. These day judges and everyone else understand how easy it is to lose their job over any accusation of bias.</p>

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<p>I have friends who are in the same sort of predicament. Ex makes and has too much for kids to get financial aid, but he refuses to pay a cent. One thing that sometimes works is if the kid himself takes the matter to court. Where an ex wife can be dissed as vindictive and greedy, when a kids come up with that FAFSA and financial aid rules, it can hit hard.</p>

<p>In some states, kids cannot even do this as state law allows child support to end at age 18. Not a thing anyone can do in that case.</p>

16

<p>In California, child support ends with the child’s 18th birthday. You are lucky to live in a state that requires support beyond that point.</p>

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<p>I did have a lawyer who was in another district … I had to go miles away for a lawyer). However, as I noted, I work part-time to care for my mother with Alzheimer’s. And lawyers charge for travel time. So an hour of court time would cost me $1,000 for the lawyer. And my ex, who was doing everything himself at no cost, including making copies in the courthouse on taxpayer equipment and getting free advice from local lawyers, would just ask for court conferences on miniscule issues to drain my funds. I had to get loans from my family to avoid bankruptcy. So no, going “out of the area” does not work - they lawyers have tactics for that, too.</p>

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<p>To all:</p>

<p>Tried the media - they only report on divorce if it’s a celebrity, there are scandalous photos, or it fits their true definition of deadbeat - parents who leave their children without anything. The media does not understand (or have sympathy for) a parent who is receiving some aid, just not the aid he/she should be receiving if things were done legally/ethically.</p>

<p>ACLU and Legal Aid lawyers work with my ex on Bar Asociations, and committees, so no go there either. Plus, you have to meet a very low income level for Legal Aid and they are so overworked and do not take divorce cases as a consequence (tried them!). Even tried the local women’s shelter lawyers who agreed I was being battered, just with the law, not fists, but their resources are too limited (and I really could not plea otherwise).</p>

<p>Tried to join a class-action suit for similar cases in NY with the FBI - the case fell apart because everything these “parents” are doing is completely legal! The FBI expressed concerned, but could not follow through. Went to the NYS auditors with the evidence I have of my ex using taxpayers equipment for his personal case like the faxes from chambers and emails from his court email account, and calls from the chambers phone, about $100,000 worth over 7 years (against court and state rules), they ignored me.</p>

<p>As for the states that cut off at 18 - it’s crazy. Those laws have to change. I’m hoping to get enough local groups to join forces on this issue for the benefit of all children nationwide. And for the parents who get nothing thanks to manipulative parents, I truly feel for your friends in this situation. But we need to draw attention to this. It is a national disgrace. Thank you to those who note my children and I will eventually be fine. We will. But others will not. I know of mothers whose ex’s hid the money in the Cayman Islands before filing for divorce and are paying child support on a pittance. I know of mothers who are running a cash only day-care center in their homes and claiming no income whatsoever to hit their exes up for the maximun in child support. Just because they are following court orders does not mean it is proper. Why can’t these parents just do what is fair? Because if it hurts the other parent financially, it affects the child(ren).</p>

<p>I was hoping for ideas, mostly to help the others I know in far worse situations (you wouldn’t believe what I learned recently about a child who is disabled and what is being done to her legally because the lawyer on her case is an ex NYS senator!). Sadly, there are thousands out there in similar (or worse) situations, so whatever advice, ideas, etc. you can come up with, thanks.</p>

<p>For those of you in similar situations, or know of others in similar (or worse), I cannot pursue my advocacy of this to any great extent while my mother is still ailing and living with me. But I promise you, I will try to set this right for all the other children out there!</p>

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<p>My thought was not to go to the media with the divorce story but with the actions of the judges for their staff. That would be pretty juicy…</p>

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<p>Going to the media might do the trick. SOmeone who so values education and is supposed to be making sure that kids of divorced families get their due is going to look pretty bad when he is welching on his own kids’ college money.</p>