My kid applied to 10 schools and was accepted at 6, deferred at 1 (not a surprise) and is waiting for the last 3 to roll in. Of the last three, one is a reach and the other two are targets.
Among the 6 acceptances, one has been the kid’s 2nd favorite (the reach is the top choice). So I thought kid would be thrilled and relieved when the acceptance came through for #2. But…not so much.
Kid says s/he’s tired of talking about college, thinking about college, etc. We’re signed up for two “Decision Day” events (at the #2 school and at one of the schools who offered the biggest scholarship package), but kid is really ambivalent about attending.
I’m guessing some of this is normal, since facing the reality of graduation in 4 months and leaving home after that is daunting. But we can’t exactly NOT go to these events, because we need to visit to make a decision, right? (The only visits we’ve made are the typical info session/tour - and all of those were in 11th grade. For the financial safety school, we haven’t visited there at all yet and decided in the summer we’d make that visit if they came through with the $$$, which they did.)
How to handle this? I guess my question is, is this normal? Shouldn’t a kid be more excited AFTER the acceptances?
Sounds totally normal. There is so much pressure on a lot of these kids, starting in 11th grade and reaching a fever pitch around winter of senior year, that it makes perfect sense to just be mentally done with it, at least for a bit. And I agree, in many ways, once they know they are accepted at a few do-able places, suddenly, its no longer about just getting in, so the reality of leaving home hits.
Keep planning logistics for attending those “Decision Days” at the current best options, but perhaps back off on the college conversations at home. Much as we want to focus on the next step, perhaps avoid the conversations about classes, roommates, majors, finances etc. Enjoy the “now” with your senior and they will almost certainly re-engage when necessary.
Completely normal to disengage! I have found engagement/disengagement in the college admissions process come in waves. (Google “decision fatigue”).
I absolutely do think you can makes a decision about a school without revisiting and would not stress about it. Your kiddo has until May 1 to make a decision. I would back off for now, but be prepared come mid April if a bit of panic sets in and your kiddo suddenly decides they want to squeeze in a visit to the top 2 final choices. Of course an additional visit would be nice, but making a decision without a return visit is ok.
Second semester senior year is an interesting beast! Don’t be surprised if your kiddo’s social group changes, expands or shrinks or long time friendships disintegrate. It is reasonably normal for them to start distancing as they begin to anticipate leaving. Conversely, don’t be surprised if your kiddo is oddly clingy at home (when they are home because much of the time they want to be anywhere but home) and suddenly seems to have reversed in their ability to do thing for themselves or make decisions; basically needing or wanting more nurturing then they have in recent years, yet they can be standoffish and secretive about somethings too.
At 17/18 making a decision about college and the next 4 years seems daunting. They feel like it is a long term commitment, it is going to define them as an adult. As adults, we can look back and see it is really just a station we pass through as we move on to other things, all part of a continuum.
Yes, it’s normal. She may really be holding out for the reach and not wanting to get excited about any school until she knows for sure what the choices are. The pressure is so intense, especially with peers and teachers talking a lot about college, as well as parents. It’s too much and I can understand her desire to disengage a bit until she knows all the decisions.
Your kid has probably spent the last year either talking about or having someone talk to her about college- parents, teachers, GC’s, friends and even those college mailings. People have been in her ear about every course selection, to continue or not continue an EC, what is affordable, where you can get a scholarship, test or retest, are your essays done, did you submit this, did you submit that? It is enough to make your head explode.
Your D simply needs a moment to decompress.
She knows that college is a definite because she has been accepted to 6 schools including what looks like some affordable options. You know and she knows that she will be going to college. I agree with @Midwestmomofboys, this is now a reality that she will be leaving your home at the end of the summer. Give her a moment to process all of this.
If you have to make room deposits to hold a spot, as long as they are refundable, do that. Unless she has been admitted ED and has a binding decision to make, she has until May 1 for all of the other decisions. Give her a moment to breathe, to catch up with her self and to enjoy what is left of senior year and being a kid.
Unless there is something that she really likes about the financial safety, please do not force the safety down her throat if it is not a hardship for other options. If she has to do scholarship visits, that is a different story, otherwise, the schools are not going anywhere.
Congrats on the fact that she has choices. Now take a step back, support her and be supportive of her. A decision will get made.
My S3 is doing the same EXACT thing. He doesn’t want to discuss college and would prefer to remain a senior forever if he could. I caught my S1 actually trying to sabotage his 12th grade final semester so he could repeat his senior year!!
I try not to discuss college with my S3 but I’m so enthused and have done so much of the research, that’s all I want to talk about. I know he’ll have quite a life away from home living the dream I was denied but he’s focused on his senior year studies and activities. College is both scary and too distant to warrant a pleasant discussion today.
I suppose the best thing a parent can do is some behind the scenes preparation researching schools, sending out applicants with the student, really dig into campus housing, keep tabs on various deadlines, and maybe start acquiring some dorm stuff. The parent can also burn off some college energy posting here and trying to help others.
My kid and yours will probably engage in the whole college thing once high school is over. This is, of course, far too late in the process. In the mean time, we have to drag them to college visitations now and deal with some uncooperative, seemingly unappreciated behavior as dorm move-in day is just seven months away and we are still waiting on two acceptance letters and three auditions.
Oh, and as they start to detach, there is also “fouling the nest” syndrome.
Both my kids detached from the college app process once they had a #1 or #2 choice acceptance. With both of them, rejections/deferrals at the end of March were met with a “So what?” and the acceptances they cared about were met with happiness. Definitely more excitement at the beginning than at the end.
OP, congrats to your D for a good list that has gotten her some real choices that work for all of you!
Completely normal. My son was willing to whittle it down to three school and then we hit a dead stop. We have a whiteboard in our basement at the bottom of the stairs so I made a grid of HIS criteria and the three schools and then had him put check marks in it. One school hit two of them; one hit three (kinda); and the final one hit all four…and it was by far the least expensive. (Ding ding ding we have a winner!) So we sat at the bottom of the stairs and I was proud of myself for thinking of this ideas since the answer was clear. His response: “wow, this is really going to be hard” and he walk away. Argh! And yes, eventually (several days later) he did choose the school with that met all of the criteria and he is a happy first year there.
Somehow, these kids are led to believe there is a CORRECT choice and not getting it correct will ruin their lives. As parents we need to remember that there is a lot of emotion wrapped up in this for our kids and just support them along this journey. Hang in there…sounds like he had a great application process!
@STF4717 Right there.
I don’t want to push or pressure my kid, but there are things that have to happen NOW. For example, he had to sign up for housing at one school (or risk getting shut out.) I have to submit my vacation requests 3 months in advance (so if we are revisiting in April, need to plan NOW.)
I’m optimistic everything will work out, but next 3 months are going to be either way too fast or way too slow, or actually both at the same
Normal, normal, normal is what people are saying. Kids differ in personality as well as how engaged they are in this process. What I’m seeing in the OP is that the kid applied to an excellent set of colleges and that several of them would be at least “very satisfactory.”
This tells me that the OP and the kid did a very good job of matching interests to opportunities.
Added: My DD got into all the art schools she applied to. She had one strong preference, but several good options. No panic. She didn’t need to make another visit until she enrolled in the Fall. My DS left 90% of the pool-making to his parents, got into several excellent colleges. Only first visited the “winner” on “accepted students day,” and after an overnight declared “This will do.” Done.
I just sat back and waited until they told me where they were going. Vetting occurred before application so it didn’t matter to me. There was decompression after December of varying time with each kid. I just wanted them to enjoy their senior year.
They are exhausted with the process and so tired of it all. Kids at school are buzzing the halls with where they got into (and making up some of it). It’s like going to work all day then coming home and talking about work - ahhhh! They need a break from it all - it’s too much! I would suggest talking about anything except college at this point. Be engaged in their current activities and senior year fun stuff, or things you want to do this summer. Go see a movie with them, have lunch and talk about the movie (not college)! The less you discuss college, the more inclined they are to bring it up. And when they do, pace yourself.
Agree with the others that this is normal. Until all the information is in (which she will get at those decision days), no final decision will be made so I can understand her not wanting to talk about it.
Sounds a lot like my DD last year. Turns out we thought she was waiting nervously on her reach school and also being cautiously excited about another top tier school that she was admitted to EA. She was actually already decided 100% on what we thought was just her safety and the disengagment was real because after the apps were submitted she really didn’t think about those other schools much. She was applying for us, not her. We were thrilled she loved her safety but were trying to drum up excitement for her other offers and her reaches. She was just so over the whole process and after it was all said and done wished she had not applied anywhere else once she had the safety admission in hand, which she never really looked at as a safety, just the best fit.
We did follow her lead and back off around this time. We ended up not revisiting some of the places closer to home on admitted student days since she was making it clear that she was only going to make us happy. We did pay for and extended visit down to the school she was set on attending before she declined the other offers. We realized in early February that the only college talk she wanted to have was about Alabama and when talking about it was the only time she was really engaged and excited.
Wow, thank you everyone for your helpful replies. I’m so relieved to hear this is a normal reaction. I appreciate all of your words of wisdom!
@STEMteacher …i’m with you on the enthusiasm. It doesn’t help that i’m a college admissions consultant by trade- college selection and admissions is my job, my hobby, and my passion - I’m sure my enthusiasm for the process was pretty annoying to my kid.
I also read up on decision fatigue and ‘fouling the nest’ syndrome - which i’ve heard about but obviously never experienced firsthand.
I expected D1 to be difficult, as I had heard that (like 2 year olds) they are in an accelerated separation process. Instead, she was quiet, reflective, helpful, and generally very pleasant. Took those middle of the night thoughts and complied…etc. Years later, she told me that she spent the last summer thinking about how many things we do for her, and strategizing how she would do them for herself from across the country. Honestly, it was a favorite summer. D2? Hope she reacts the same way, as she too is going far away. Wish they went the same direction, but both are great places to visit so that’s a win!
Somewhat similar scenario here as well. Daughter applied to 7 schools, was accepted to 6, still no decision on the final one. She has it narrowed down to 3, the first one she was accepted to, the last one she was accepted to, and the one she hasn’t heard from yet. She was going like gangbusters, she even did her FAFSA on October 1st! Now it has all fizzled out and it’s like pulling teeth for her to apply for scholarships. She is a good kid and gets good grades but she has dyed her hair purple which made her lose her part time job. I’ve stepped back because I don’t want her to feel smothered, she is 17 and will be off to college, on her own in a soon enough, she needs to realize her decisions today really do have an effect on tomorrow but I don’t want her to be kicking herself for not applying for those scholarships that could cut her need to take loans in half. When I graduated from college 18 years ago, I had almost $100,000 in college debt. As a first generation college grad, I didn’t know about all the options I had in regards to scholarships and grants.