Deep, overwhelming hopelessness

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi. I'm an "old-timer" on this site in the sense that I registered in 06 and have been infrequently posting and frequently browsing since then. I'm 17 and a high school senior. I'm not really sure how to introduce my situation so I guess I'll just say it flat-out: I am really, really, really sad. I never use the phrase "I cry myself to sleep every night" because most people use it jokingly; however, that really is the case for me. I've struggled with being happy my entire life but for the most part it was extremely mild and never really got in the way. However, now, my feelings of hopelessness are taking over my life. </p>

<p>I'm at the point where literally nothing makes me happy. Objectively, I'm an extremely good student - 2290 SAT, scored 5's on many AP tests, etc. But having good testing stats hasn't made me happier. The competition is so draining--I go to a private day school that sends literally 30% of its student body to Ivies every year. I'm sure that the absurd competitiveness contributes partly to the sadness that I feel because ever since high school started I never, ever felt like I could be good enough (academically). But that feeling of lack-of-self-worth doesn't just hold to my academics; I feel it in the rest of my life, too.</p>

<p>I hold myself to extremely high standards of morality and I value honesty and genuineness over all else. But being a good person hasn't made me any happier. Nor has being academically capable and talented made me any happier, either. In fact, I feel like my intelligence and deep thought only make me more frustrated because my peers don't think as deeply about situations as I do. "Ignorance is bliss" is so cliche but I know it's true because for me, self-realization has only brought me deep pain. I wish I could be like my classmates and not philosophize all the time and just do my homework--almost roboticly. </p>

<p>I feel hopeless to the point where I honestly do not see the point of my life anymore. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I literally cannot do my homework anymore, and I distance myself from my friends and close myself to relationships. I've seriously considered suicide many times in the past, but at this point I deem it impractical (and unfair to my parents) so I'm not doing that, but I have seriously considered dropping out of school and other extreme situations because I honestly am at the edge and don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm 17 and I'm young and there is "so much out there" but the sadness is getting so intense that I cannot bear it anymore. I really really don't know what to do. I try to talk to my parents but they don't listen at all. I can't talk to my friends because no one around me cares--they're too caught up in their own schoolwork and personal drama. And I can't talk to my teachers because I can't reveal myself in such a vulnerable manner--the pressure to be a good student for college applications is way too great. Pretty much I feel like I am jammed into a corner with no way out--I'm overwhelmed and can't get through with life anymore at this point, but at the same time I can't take a break because I HAVE to do college applications. Do you all as parents have any thoughts about this situation? Thanks so much.</p>

2

<p>Go to the school counselor. If you can’t talk to your parents, teachers or even your friends (and truthfully, they would probably be ill equipped to give you good direction here), you must tell someone. You are clearly unhappy in your life and sound much like a hamster stuck on his wheel wherein the scenery never changes and nothing is helpful in getting it off the same old track. I can only hope that being at a fine school makes it so resources are available for students. The counselor could help you find help, help you to talk to your parents and explain things. They really do need to understand the seriousness of the situation and you need to get some support in your life. Please do this… it only takes the courage to walk thru the door and say… I need some help. You could even just email what you’ve written above because you’ve expressed yourself beautifully. With all the rest you’ve accomplished, you can surely take this one step to a happier life. You are right in thinking there is so much more out there.</p>

3

<p>Talk to your school counselor and/or school psychologist (if you have one) ASAP. There is help–and hope, as cliche as it may sound–out there, and you have to reach out to access it.</p>

4

<p>It certainly sounds to me like you are depressed. I agree you need to talk to your school counselor. If he/she can’t get you some help you need to go to a trusted friend or family member and insist that you need help. There is help for depression and you do not need to live this way. </p>

<p>A few years ago I became depressed. I can actually remember the ‘black cloud’ that hung over me. I always thought ‘being depressed’ was being 'sad; but this was totally different. I felt hopeless, helpless. I didn’t find pleasure in anything. I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and disappear. I did get help and the cloud has lifted. Please get the help you need. If necessary, sit down with your parents and show them this thread.</p>

5

<p>What you’re describing sounds very much like clinical depression. It’s an illness that can be controlled with medication, and you need to see a mental health professional. You need to get a handle on it ASAP before you lose any more of your time to the illness.</p>

<p>Incidentally, you don’t have to do college applications. You just don’t. You aren’t obliged to go to college and if you still want to, you aren’t obliged to do it next year. It’s human nature to push back against things that we feel we’re obligated to do - things that we feel forced to do against our will. Fortunately, there are very few things in life that we’re truly obligated to do. Now, if you don’t apply to college, there will be certain consequences - perhaps your parents will be disappointed, you may have trouble finding a job, you’ll have to answer awkward questions about what you’re planning for next year. But how you feel about those consequences is entirely up to you. If you can deal with them, then you don’t have to complete applications. If you’d rather not deal with the consequences, then you don’t HAVE to do applications, you’re CHOOSING to do applications. And if you can classify them in your mind as something you’re choosing because you want their consequences rather than the alternatives, then your tendency to push back against them should diminish.</p>

6

<p>Wow Splash! Thank you for sharing your feelings. I believe it is a first step towards getting help and feeling better.</p>

<p>As you probably know, your SAT scores are in the 98-99th percentile. I think you are probably wanting/needing/ expecting perfection to feel good about yourself.</p>

<p>I do not think that 10 pages of praise from CCer’s will help you. You are an extremely accomplished young person under extreme pressure to accomplish even more. What you need is professional help to realize that you are a valuable person regardless of your grades or scores, ie regardless of you as a student.</p>

<p>You are similar to an anorexic person thinking that you are still fat at 5 foot 8 and 100 pounds.</p>

<p>You need professional help to overcome your feelings of worthlessness/sadness and depression.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and keep “us” informed.</p>

7

<p>The pressure on high performing HS senior is immense, and I am truly sorry that you are miserable. Please, please, please get some professional help; they will have the skills to diagnose your situation in ways that cyber-wannabes never could. Don’t throw away all you have worked for now that the finish line is close–push it on through application season–only 7 more weeks, and then plan on taking a gap year before you go to college.</p>

8

<p>I have a son who also tells me he cries himself to sleep. I wish it was easier for him. He has such a brilliant sense of humor, but that sadness pervades. I do think there are more difficult times, and being alone on a Saturday night is one of them. </p>

<p>I suggest you find activities that keep you busy, so when those moments of sadness peeks its ugly head, you’re too busy to think about it. Find something that gets you involved with others and allows you to feel good at the same time, like community service clubs. </p>

<p>I have a friend whose daughter volunteers in a Red Cross program called Share-a-Ride. They pick up kids who are partying on Saturday nights. She does this because she enjoys getting out, and yet there’s no social pressure. I know another kid who is very involved with his church group and they always have great activities on the weekends, including retreats and ski outings.</p>

<p>Sometimes you have to “go through the motions” just to get through them, like college applications. That’s fine to do, but I suggest you find something more rewarding too.</p>

9

<p>Whatever school counselor or psychologist you see will almost certainly refer you to a medical doctor of some sort (psychiatrist or even a family practice doctor) who will probably diagnose you as depressed, and will prescribe some inexpensive anti-depressant pills that will change your life in a week or two.</p>

10

<p>Splash496: You do need to talk to a counselor about your depression. However, you’re almost done with your current situation, ie high school. Sounds like you can just about get into any college you choose. I would NOT take a year off, as some have suggested, unless you have a very specific goal in mind for that year. I believe that the uncertainty of where your life is going would continue to make you feel depressed.</p>

<p>Pick a school and a program that YOU really want to do. Then go do it. You’ll meet people that have similar interests and passions. They will become your new friends. It was the thought of getting out of high school and being with people more like me that drove me to finish those college apps and then finish high school. I’ve never looked back.</p>

<p>I also started playing sports in college. Sports are a great diversion. You work hard, there is a definite outcome at the end of every game and no homework. A great way to take the mind off of your classwork.</p>

11

<p>This post is long, because my dau crashed in the summer before senior year.</p>

<p>Depression, hopelessness, frustration- whatever word fits you best- please know that it is very common to intelligent people, high achievers, deep thinkers and senstive souls. Add to that, you have worked hard in school; your brain may now be screaming for some relief from the unrelenting focus. It is common. That is exactly why some people turn to sports or running, the volunteering that limabeans mentions, or art, music- anything that uses a different part of your mind and body than learning does. It should be non-competitive, because academic competition has become so demanding on you. </p>

<p>Believe us- it is not easy to figure this out by yourself. That’s why you need the help of a caring adult who can help identify the problem, make suggestions and support you. I understand you don’t want to reveal your troubles at school. I’ll just describe a few options- initial ideas, without the benefit of knowing you or what you have tried. k? One is to immediately schedule regular time away from schoolwork. Not just hanging out. Determined physical activity generates endorphins. Some find comfort in a hard walk or jog, an hour, every day they can. </p>

<p>Second, most private schools have a psychologist of some sort affiliated with the school- confidentiality is mandated. This person would have a few conversations with you, then make some recommendations for private counseling outside school, usually to someone who specializes in teens.<br>
I happen to live in a college town. There are counselors/psychiatrists who work with late hs/college age kids and understand the unique pressures on them. If your school doesn’t have a psychologist to start with, you can call a local college’s health center and ask. If that doesn’t work, you can ask your own doctor’s office or, in a pinch, call *any * social service org. If they can’t make a recc, they can at least point you to an organization that can. Again, you want someone who understands hs and coll students. </p>

<p>It’s real- you know that. And it can be helped- you have to believe that. A psychiatrist can assess the need for and prescribe meds. These do not change you. No, they help you breathe. They can give you just enough distance from the sadness that you can think again. And, from that, you take the first steps toward healing. If, for any reason, you don’t click with the the first counselor, give it enough time, but don’t be afraid to move to another. Please know how many people out there suffer and the help is available. Wishing you luck and better days.</p>

12

<p>Adding encouragement for you to talk to the counselors at the day school and see if you can get to a therapist. Its quite possible that your depression makes you “think” your parents dont care, But they probably do. Ask them to let you see a doctor to get the help you deserve. Good luck.</p>

13

<p>This happened to me 40 years ago. I have also watched my 3 kids struggle with the pressures of senior year, with the transition of leaving for college looming. From what I have heard from them once on campus, 50% of college students at selective colleges are on anti-depressants and struggling with finding some authentic meaning to what they are doing.</p>

<p>Please talk to a counselor. Are you 18 yet? If you are uncomfortable talking with someone affiliated with the school, you could see someone outside that environment, but talking with someone at school would be the easiest. You may want to consider medication to get you over this hump.</p>

<p>Is it possible for you to just apply to 3 or 4 schools? It can be a good idea to do the applications, so you have the option, but do them in that spirit, of having options. It is fine to decide not to go, to defer for a year, do a gap year, or even just relax and work in a restaurant or something for a year. But after getting some help, you may actually want to go once May 1 rolls around.</p>

<p>Depression will isolate you, and the isolation makes the depression worse. Depression makes it hard to do work, which, for a person who is used to achieving, can also make the depression worse. You are stuck in a cycle, but many people get stuck in this cycle and get out of it, and go on to have fulfilling lives.</p>

<p>If you feel too depressed to take action, please tell your parents, or someone who can help you get to help. I wish I had done that all those years ago: there is much more awareness these days of the pressures on young people like yourself, and I am hoping you will be surprised at the understanding you will encounter once you meet with someone.</p>

14

<p>I could understand why you don’t want to talk to your teachers. Private school is usually very smalll, and they tend to talk to each other. If your don’t think your parents are listening to you, I would go see a medical doctor, then have the doctor speak to your parents. Often parents would listen to a professional.</p>

<p>What you are feeling (stress) is very normal among all seniors (heck, even juniors). You may think everyone is handling it well, except for you. The truth is, they are all feeling it, and they are all keeping it all bottled up, just like you. </p>

<p>Senior year is when rubber meets the road, it is when you are suppose to see the result of all your hard work, the final measurement is where you get into schools. I don’t think I am being too dramatic here. I am not going to tell you that you should feel fine if you were to end up going to second or third tier school, because in your mind it would not be good enough after you have put some much effort into it. But what I will tell you is there are many other tier 1 schools outside of top 5 (or Ivies). With your score (I assume you have very good grades too), you shouldn’t have any problem in getting into one of those good schools.</p>

<p>It took my older daughter 2 years in college before she got over the stress of college process. Everyone at her school expected her to get into one of the best schools. She felt this tremendous pressure in having to look good in front of everyone. As parents, we didn’t know better in how to ease the pressure. Her counselor told us that she could get in and we went along with it. When it didn’t happen, D1 crashed. Now, she didn’t have your symptoms of depression. She was able to work through it and she ended up at a school where she is very happy at. </p>

<p>I would encourage you to talk to your parents again. Even you don’t feel comfortable in saying it face to face to them, email them what you wrote here. I think they will listen. Sometimes we think our kids are just going through a phase and maybe not taking you as seriously as we should, but we do care. Your parents are spending a lot of money to send you to a private school. They are not doing it because they don’t know what to do with the money, or they want to show off to their friends. They are doing it because they want to have the best future for you, and that includes you being happy and mentally healthy. </p>

<p>Hope you feel better soon.</p>

15

<p>As all the others have said what you are feeling is real. Have you talked to your parents at all about this? Please try if you haven’t. Your parents love you and the most important thing to them is your health and happiness. </p>

<p>You need professional help and most likely medication. You need to talk to your medical doctor who can recommended a psychiatrist if needed. </p>

<p>Forget about your applications for now. The most important thing is to get well.</p>

16

<p>1-800-273-8255 is the suicide prevention hotline. Even tho you’ve ruled out suicide, they can still help you cope with your desparate feelings. Please call.</p>

17

<p>Splash. Maybe you can start by seeing your MD and telling the Dr. your symptoms.</p>

<p>One of my kids was feeling this way and it ended up being a physical problem. Her hormones were so out of whack that they were derailing her entire life. She saw an endocrinologist and started taking specific meds for her hormones. It took years for her to find this out as even her Dr. told her she needed a psychologist. Only because she kept pushing for answers was she able to get a proper diagnosis. She is so much better now. I am sorry she had to waste so much time (yrs) and sadness on something so fixable</p>

<p>I only relate this so that you can ask for a complete physical including hormone levels when you do ask for help.</p>

18

<p>“I try to talk to my parents but they don’t listen at all.”</p>

<p>Chances are, they believe you’ll get through this. I’ll bet many of the parents posting also thought their kids would just “get over” it. We often think the hardest personal challenges teach the most. That may be true- sometimes. Not always.</p>

<p>My dau was also in a private day school. I had to listen to the school psychologist to understand she needed counseling. Long story, but I believed a better diet, more sleep, less junk food, self-discipline and, OMG, to get her grades back up, were what she needed. The school psych said, “Yes, maybe it’s that and maybe some of it is ‘normal,’ but with my opinion is, she is suffering more than she should.”</p>

19

<p>

EXACTLY</p>

<p>I am shocked at the responses you have received, advising you to “push on” or “find activities that keep you busy” or “go through the motions” or that “what you are feeling (stress) is very normal among all seniors”. </p>

<p>What I am hearing is that you are depressed, that “hopeless and helpless” sums it up. Please, please, please get help. If you are reluctant to approach the adults you know, call a local helpline or Google “youth mental health resources” for your community or walk into an emergency room and tell them how you feel. Check the bulletin board outside your guidance office-there may be information about local mental health resources posted there. </p>

<p>Come back and let us know how you are doing.</p>

20

<p>when I was your age i went through a similar response. The situation had to get to a critical point before my parents stepped in and took me to the doctor. if your parents are not responding, then get yourself to the doctor, as soon as possible. what everyone has said here is true, that depression can be treated. you do not have to feel bad…there is help available, but you have to get to it. please do that TOMORROW and let us know how it goes.</p>