Deep, overwhelming hopelessness

<p>When we’re under stress (any kind- and depression is a stress, too) we aren’t the best judges of our selves, our actions, and our prospects. That’s why it is important to keep up with some form of counseling.<br>
There has been a great outpouring here- much sharing of what we’ve been through and some great ideas for you. But, most always circle back to “get counseling.” Please keep up with it. It will help you learn skills to manage the ups and downs you will surely encounter in college and adulthood.
Best Luck.</p>

<p>Splash…So happy you have trusted your school counsellor enough to speak to her or him about your angst… </p>

<p>Also kudos for you for even being in the game of dating…lots of kids your age have even less experience at break ups and relationships and as you know from the rock song…Love is a Battlefield! Dating is totally all ups and downs! Normal! At least you will enter college with some dating history under your belt for good and for ill. Lots of students start college with no personal experience with the downs or the ups of dating someone. You took risks and you had highs and lows. Good for you. </p>

<p>I have sons and believe me few of them are ready for prime time in terms of consistent interest in any girl till they are much older. Have you seen the male brain on a PET scan…ha. It is an unfinished product my dear for a long time still and we females are often waiting for men to be ready for the real deal…so you are in the norm. Stay open hearted and if you want friends at college…be a friend to those you meet, do your best at getting to know who they are and what their struggles and talents are…and hang tight, friends will see you through. We adults forget sometimes that dating is full of long hauls of Being and Nothingness and so on.</p>

<p>you are living in a subculture of external achievements that is not all bad of course…and you are blessed in many ways as you know…but you will be free this sort of rigid March to College with your list of “achievements” soon enough. Try not to take it all so to heart…the goal is to have an open door to a new college home base, not to knock it all out of the park. Ignore the kids who are sooooo intent on the big names as some affirmation of their worth. Ignore it but wish them all well…and tell everyone you know that you hope they will be happy in April with their choice.</p>

<p>One thing I am proud of as a mother…is this…I did get across the lesson that you don’t have to be “best” to enjoy the game of life and even better…you can root for talent in all your friends without envy or without counting yourself as less than. </p>

<p>We parents could suggest lots of colleges with heart and soul that will feed you in ways that matter so much! You have the talent to emerge from a grad school some day with a skill set that can help you earn a living…that is not in question.<br>
So be at peace.<br>
Right now your task is to get some personal counsel and a sounding board with this counselor and to get a few doors to open in April. You don’t even have to have a clue about which school you will pick. That is for April…seriously. Both of my sons attended colleges that were not in their top 5 at all! They changed their minds in March and April after visiting on accepted student’s day. Oh and they got some rejections and money and financing weighed in big time as well.</p>

<p>In some ways, it is a blessing I suppose that our sons attended a weak high school because they were unaware of what was coming in college in terms of suddenly being “average” at Duke and Vanderbilt and they didn’t have the level of achievement around them 24/7 that you have been exposed to which has distorted your sense of reality.</p>

<p>Ignorance can be bliss! You however have been around the kind of kids at top colleges the entire time you were in your adolescence and growing up.</p>

<p>Finding meaning and peace is a lifetime process and one that you are just beginning.</p>

<p>It is also maybe a blessing to be average, as my sons were on sports teams. Not that it wasn’t at times painful to be the guy who ran cross country for many years without one time counting for the team or being the guy who was always on the backfield in sports. It took some stamina daily to show up and root for those with more talent and to keep showing up for practices.</p>

<p>But when you have some natural talent in this sport or that sport…then there is a new set of expectations and hoops to jump through…as you discovered a couple of times.</p>

<p>Being a parent of bright kids for me became a task of helping them cope with the many adults who constantly expected so much from them and whose demands were sometimes unreasonable. </p>

<p>In college, you will get some breathing room which is one of the beauties of college. </p>

<p>You really don’t have to be “best” at anything in this world in order to be good enough to contribute and to be of use to your community and peers. Why not surprise yourself and your classmates with copping a more Zen attitude. You have a spectacular SAT score…and most of us realize that filling out those resumes and essays can have what I call the hooey factor in it. In other words, just because my son was good at high school debate does not equate into his having to do this activity the rest of his days. He quit that activity after the first year of college and now has more time to think, write, and socialize and he is much happier.</p>

<p>You really have to respect your own temperament and to get to know what part of you likes competition and intensity and what part of you doesn’t really enjoy engaging in that manner. </p>

<p>I hesitate to start naming colleges where I think you might find a more Zen atmosphere of smart people gathered. Because of course most of this is not the college but what you bring inside to college with you as your compass. However, we could all start chiming in on colleges that are rightly known for balance and nurture and time for personal growth. I don’t know you well enough to start blathering about my personal knowledge of a few great colleges…I live in VA and a lot of what I know most about is in VA, PA, NC and SC, TN and GA…and perhaps this is not where you want to be at all. </p>

<p>It is concerning that you can’t frame your learning years…the years you ran your heart out and competed on many levels in a way that is positive and gives you proper credit for your willingness to put out great effort.<br>
Talk to your counselor about how to reframe your thinking in more positive ways when you reflect on your very young and earnest school years. Be good to yourself as you would if you were the mother of a daughter JUST LIKE YOU. You probably will be a parent someday. Think about that. What would you advise your daughter who was feeling like she doesn’t know herself enough at this moment to right all those essays etc? </p>

<p>it is OK to be in a Questioning phase in life. I am sure you know that many people of talent were very DIFFUSE in their sense of identity at your exact age. </p>

<p>Consider a season of meds if you are really blue, and consider a once a week meeting that will give some shape to your conversations with the counselor…where you save things up to discuss weekly. Why not? You could use the ear right now…</p>

<p>The life you are leading right now…and the way people are measuring themselves…is NOT the way your adult life will be framed at all. Your life is a work of art that you are just beginning to own as your own…and you are leaving the years where you did what adults put in front of you. </p>

<p>Pretty soon you will be somewhere where you will be understood and where you will be allowed to be a work of art yourself in transition. </p>

<p>Apply not only to a couple of big name colleges. Apply to colleges that would be thrilled to get you, where the professor will find you to be exactly the student he would love to teach…apply to schools that have social cultures that feel more congruent with your need for space and a sea change. The faculty at colleges that are not top twenty on lists are often just as excellent anywhere. </p>

<p>You realize that many students would love to have your test scores! And your clear talent in math could help you find some vocational direction over time. </p>

<p>Focus now on your mental and emotional well being and on treating your intense temperament with respect and intentional decision making that is meant to lighten your spirits. </p>

<p>best wishes of course</p>

<p>I have to finish an English paper right now but this was really reflective of what I felt (at a lesser intensity) during my sophomore year and what many other high-achieving high-schoolers around the country probably feel to some extent as well. Be on the lookout for a PM from me sometime soon! Keep your head up!</p>

<p>Dear Splash,</p>

<p>I hope that you know that unlike high school you can transfer if you don’t like the college you begin at. You are by no means locked in with your decision. My older daughter started school in California and transferred after her sophomore year. She was happy in CA, but likes where she is more for now. You have a lot more flexibility. Also, all of your peers may seem so together, but I know that both of my daughters struggled their senior years. Everything was so exhausting and intense. I really believe that you have received some wonderful advice here and it is good that you are reaching out. You seem like an incredible kid and you have the most wonderful gift for articulating your feelings. Perhaps your teachers do not know that you are struggling because they see you as so strong. You may want to try to reach out to some of them and let them know how you are feeling. My hunch is that they have no idea and can help to support you. They too are human and vulnerable and can understand a lot. High school is very hard and things will get better for you. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you strength and best wishes. Please keep letting us know how you are doing. :)</p>

<p>Splash, my heart broke as I read your story. I so feel your pain. My daughter also suffered from extreme depression and a sense of hopelessness but it happened during her first year of college. She too was a high achiever, always at the top of everything but interestingly enough the doctors she started seeing and were evaluated by did not at all conclude that the reason she went into a depression was because of her expectations or academic pressure. This did not help and certainly exacerbated the situation but it was not the culprit.
So as much as we were looking for a good easy reason this was not it, it was a very complex situation. And its taken almost a year of intensive therapy to help her slowly get out of it. My point being that you might not be in a good frame of mind to attend college. When you are away, isolated, and having a difficult time coping or when things get rough….you will likely have a tough time dealing with it. So its critical you address the underlying reason why you are feeling the depression that you are. Having felt suicidal is nothing to take lightly, you have to address this because i am sorry to tell you but if you don’t this will likely happen again. You must must address this situation and speak to someone right away. This has to be the biggest priority for you right now. You are a very bright person, school will always be there. Your mental well being and feeling great about yourself and good about life has to come above all else. I hope you will get the help you need and keep us posted of how things go. Best of luck to you and hugs from a mom who can relate to your pain.</p>

<p>Splash- your posts are so touching. It’s clear that you have internalized external awards far beyond their value. They do not define anyone. I think you have let other’s opinions of you shape your opinion of yourself. That way of thinking is destructive to self esteem.</p>

<p>If I have any piece of advice it would be to make a point of NOT going to one of the more prestigious colleges. Forget the big names. Unfortunately, these schools, while wonderful for kids who are very grounded and self-assured, I feel that they can be difficult places for young people like yourself- high achievers but too dependent on external approval. Even getting into one of these colleges can sort of perpetuate the cycle, imo.</p>

<p>If you were my daughter, I’d suggest looking into smaller, more intimate environments that are excellent academically, but may not have the “wow” factor. You’ll find a less competitive and more nurturing environment at these schools. Some of them are still top notch academically- don’t get me wrong. But they aren’t chosen for prestige. That’s the difference.</p>

<p>Some examples to look into might be Grinnell College , Whitman College, Bowdoin College, Carleton College, Rice University, University of Virginia- you get the idea.
These are places where you’ll get a top notch education, but you won’t be surrounded by those who were #1 and #2 in their high schools (although there will be some!)
My heart goes out to you. Please consider continuing with counseling while you’re going through the college process, and also once you hit college next year. Having someone to turn to when things get rough can make an enormous difference when
making transitions in life. And work on loving and caring for yourself- you’re worth it.</p>

<p>Splash, PM’d you but Moonchild said it better!</p>

<p>Tears trace paths like rivers down my face until I wipe them into a salty, sticky mess. I’m not going to like my sleeves very much later. There’s a lump in my throat and my chest feels like there is a huge rock on it, but when I look down there is nothing. I’m blasting some pop song with lyrics that don’t even make sense - I don’t even like the song but it’s loud enough and serves the purpose of drowning out my cries, which inevitably comes.</p>

<p>I just got my second college deferral today. Now, unlike most other students, the deferrals themselves don’t make me sad. Rather, my sadness comes from feeling like I am trudging through miserable mud puddles all the time and constantly feeling like I am going to sink through, helpless, hopeless.</p>

<p>In another metaphor, these deferrals would be the final whacks before the tree finally falls down and crashes to the ground. (The tree would be me, of course.) I feel so empty inside that the only things that help me are the occassional confirmations - and these college decisions have not provided that for me. I don’t understand. I have insightful and powerful essays, glowing teacher recommendations, and some of the top math contest scores in the state (top 10 multiple, multiple times). </p>

<p>It doesn’t matter - college decisions and test scores and course grades do not shatter my soul. Rather, the emptiness and hopelessness and sadness do. Talking to the psychologist has not helped as he is so fixated on one analysis which isn’t even a solution. Usually, I can do an okay job of pretending that I’m happy on the outside (I know that a lot of people think I am one of the most optimistic, creative, and cool people they know - they have no idea what the part of my life that they don’t see is like.) I find myself increasingly unable to support the image that I project in public. Because when I get home from school, I panic, and before I go to bed every night, I break down. </p>

<p>I don’t understand. Does it ever get better?</p>

<p>Write some short stories about this and get them published. </p>

<p>Write a novel about your senior year. </p>

<p>Really. You should.</p>

<p>Splash, I am so sorry to hear the psychologist isn’t helping any. Please, please, please call your medical doctor asap and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. Talking can be a big help but often one needs medication in addition. Depression has a chemical component and medication can control that so you can benefit from the talking part of therapy once you are feeling a bit better. </p>

<p>Hugs.</p>

<p>Splash-- Agree with Emilybee. Sometimes a person needs to be at least assessed for medication before the talk therapy or counseling has a chance to work. Knowing this can help from blaming oneself for the feelings of misery not lifting. despite the psych chats. Also, deferrals just suck! You don’t get the satisfaction of closure, yeah or nay, up or down, just limbo (at least for a while for those schools). I know that this post of yours is not about these deferrals mainly, but it just jumped out at me. As I was reading it, I had this little fantasy of us moms (dads and fellow students too) giving you hugs, handing you a hankie, a very soft throw blanket, and a cup of hot chocolate. So, please accept the cyber version of these from me, ok? (Of course, maybe that would be kind of creepy, having all these strangers hug you! Ok, so in the fantasy, we aren’t strangers, just a set of very close friends or surrogate extended family. You get the drift…) You write poignantly about your experience, and so I also agree with poetgrl. Please keep writing and letting us know how you are doing.</p>

<p>Splash – I wanted to share a neighbor’s experience. Her son, who was a really gifted math student, went off to one of the tippy-top LACs to major in math. After a year, he transferred to our state flagship because he found the LAC didn’t have a very broad spectrum of math courses and not all that many math professors, and it cost a lot. At our flagship there is a large math department – with relatively few math majors – and a growing graduate program. He’s had a wealth of classes to choose from and lots of professors to choose from for research work. The department has paid for him to attend national conferences, he goes to lectures by visiting profs, and had a fabulous time doing the semester in Budapest. (If you haven’t heard of it, it is a special math program that is very, very well respected.) It might not have worked as well if he was in biology or history, but there are so few math majors that his opportunities at the flagship have been remarkable. His mom told me that being able to work with specialists – rather than LAC professors who largely are teaching the “service” calculus and statistics courses – has been a huge gift, and the much lower costs of the flagship have meant that he didn’t need a school year job. He graduated, and is off to a highly regarded graduate program. </p>

<p>Sending good thoughts your way…</p>

<p>Splash, You are still in transition between relying on external feedback for your identity, and relying on more internal strength. So the deferrals may be extra painful. But roadblocks like this also help strengthen you, believe it or not.</p>

<p>It sounds like the psychologist is not a good match for you, at least right now.</p>

<p>Please know that more than half of students your age or college age end up taking medications for depression. Honest. And this is not a sign of weakness or anyone’s fault. So see a psychiatrist, or a nurse psychopharmacologist if that is more accessible, and try an SSRI like Lexapro or Celexa or…</p>

<p>Then, find yourself someone to talk to, to replace the psychologist. Therapists with counseling degrees are often very helpful (MSW, LMHC, etc.). You can research them online, complete with photos and preferred interests.</p>

<p>I think a cognitive or cognitive behavioral therapist might work for you, but the person should also be flexible and emphasize talk and relationship.</p>

<p>Are your parents more aware or accepting of your plight yet? </p>

<p>Good luck. And you are not alone in your situation: many thousands of your peers are hearing from schools, beginning in the early decision season and this will continue for some time. Many were outright denied.</p>

<p>Good luck and stay in touch here.</p>

<p>I finished all of my college applications.
I cannot believe it… I honestly did not think I would actually get to this point and be able to say these words.
16 colleges… lots, lots, lots of essays total, I haven’t even tried counting them. So many drafts on my computer, in my email, everywhere. But now all those drafts are put away, because I am done–
I can’t believe I actually did it.</p>

<p>Yeah Splash, that’s great news. Good for you! Maybe you can delete all those essays from your files and e-mail now!</p>

<p>It is possible that some of your angst was a result of the stress of applying (16 schools!) but also keep in mind that anything you can do for yourself now, in terms of counseling, will make the fall go that much more smoothly.</p>

<p>Let us know what the results are of your applications, come April, and good luck!</p>

<p>Splash - You did it! Great job! Hang in there.</p>

<p>Congratulations on a major milestone. I hope you can pause and really appreciate the accomplishment; wrap it around you like a grandma’s quilt and enjoy the moment.</p>

<p>Way to go, Splash! :)</p>

<p>Splash - just stumbled upon this thread today and wanted to share my 2 cents. Like you, my older daughter struggled mightily during her senior year in hs. We initially thought it was just the stress of the application process… then we blamed it on the issues she & her boyfriend were having… then on the fact that all of her friends were unsupportive… you get the picture - it was easier to think that these external factors were “the problem”.</p>

<p>She saw a therapist for months but didn’t share enough of her issues for it to be really helpful. Finally, she had a crisis and ended up seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with hormonal issues. That diagnosis, and the medication that accompanied it, was the key for her. She is sooooooo much better now - I can’t describe it.</p>

<p>I share this, not because I necessarily think that your problem is hormonal. It could be but you will never know WHAT the problem is until you get some real help. I applaud you for seeing your school counselor but he is obviously not the answer for you. Please, please keep looking until you find a psychologist or psychiatrist who can help you.</p>

<p>Splash-- Good for you for completing such a monumental task. Take care of yourself these next months, and please, keep us posted. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will want to know what your decisions are come Spring. We’re also here for support in the meantime, should you need it. Happy New Year!</p>