<p>Splash. I am so happy that you were able to take that first giant step. Sometimes making that connection is the hardest part of all. Nice job.</p>
<p>Splash - Last year, his senior year of high school, my son experienced the same feelings of unhappiness and despair that you are currently experiencing. The pressure and competition to excel in his studies eventually became overwhelming, and he grew increasingly depressed. He was valedictorian of his class, but the pressure to live up to that ideal, and the self induced pressure to live up to others self perceived expectations became overbearing. What should have been a time of great promise and happiness turned into a daily slog simply to survive the day.</p>
<p>His mother and I recognized his struggles, and sought help. He was diagnosed with depression, and prescribed a suitable medication and therapy. He did improve. He was admitted to top tier colleges and universities, but ultimately, he decided to take a gap year. So my advice is this - do what is best for your personal health and happiness. The bubble that is your private school will eventually burst. Come next year, nobody will remember what your class rank is, and what college you decided to attend. Five years from now, no one from your high school will remember what college you graduated from, or what you will be doing then. It is not that they will not care, but they will be so engrossed in the daily routines of their own lives, that they will not remember. What seems so important at this moment will dissipate with time.</p>
<p>His valedictorian address was titled “Who am I” It was written on the back of a place mat in a diner during breakfast. It was his attempt to answer a question that really has no set and pat answer. He received a rousing one minute standing ovation from over 1200 people. He was utterly stunned. He never realized that people of all ages related to his speech because we all struggle with that question on a daily basis.</p>
<p>Currently, my son is volunteering at an orphanage in South Africa. The challenges are great, and he runs the gamut of good and bad days. Come August of 2011, he will come home and start his undergraduate studies. The other day, he wrote me an e-mail. He wrote, “Dad, yesterday something strange happened when I got up and looked at the mirror. I saw a smile.” The thousands of miles separating us melted away, and I realized that my son had finally come home.</p>
<p>Hey splash.
i just want to say that i understand what you’re saying. the last two years (10-11th grade) my family was having a lot of problems (illness, runaway, suicide attempts). turns out, my way of dealing with things is to pile more resonsibilities on myself. i ended up taking a bunch of EC’s and up to nine classes at one point (which i did not have time to dedicate to). of course, this only worsened the situation as my grades started slipping and i still had to deal with my family issues. i started having a lot of the thoughts and feelings you expressed in your post, especially wishing that i was a robot. last summer though, i can’t exactly pinpoint when or why, i realized that there are a lot of things that i can’t control and i just have to let go of trying to solve everyone else’s problems and not blame myself for everything. also, there is really no point of working for something if in the process you lose sight of what truly matters and why you are dedicating yourself to whatever it may be.</p>
<p>i don’t know what i intended by writing this, but i just want to say that it helps to take a few minutes each day and just reflect on what is (really) important, what is going to last. also, it sounds cheesy, but think happy thoughts. when you feel stressed think about what you are grateful for, what made your day great (it gets easier with practice).</p>
<p>good luck!</p>
<p>This is probably way too simple.At a stressful point in my life I also had a dark cloud that seemed to follow me, I took account of the positive things in my life and came up with many, but still no joy or feeling of promise for the future. I have a medical condition that requires me to take medicine to keep an asthma condition in check. Changed medicine and for the first time in months the clouds lifted! I truly hope this helps!</p>
<p>Splash
I have been on these boards since before 2005ish. I probably know a score of parents who post here,–not their real names but I know them in context of this Board. I remember a lot about them and their young adult children. Over the years, many of the parents have disclosed about times they received counselling and help, including talk therapy and meds. Life tends to unfold in chapters and sets of challenges.
Most of us hit a wall…more than once in life. And we enjoy our plateaus and times of peace and integration as well.</p>
<p>I was also a high achiever in school who was introspective and although I was often given awards for my habit of smiling constantly…I needed counsel and didn’t get it till I was in my early 20s. What a shame that I was too scared (and unsupported by my parents who insisted that I maintain a happy front) to trust any counselor in high school or college!<br>
Anyway, I got tremendous relief and I do mean a complete reframing of how to shape my life from a few months in therapy and I became a therapist as well later on. </p>
<p>I just read this thread and I see that you may have talked to your counselor today for the first step. I was thinking about that from your point of view and also remembering how muddled initial “getting help” can be. </p>
<p>You may not feel clear about defining your problem in words at first…perfectly normal! If you need meds for a while, you may want to keep in mind that today’s version of how you feel may get better from meds in a significant way, meds sometimes need tweeking and are not the same for everyone, you may not jive entirely with the first or even the second person you talk with…, your Mom and Dad may continue to make little blunders of minimizing how you feel…(and I know it is a lot of energy and trust to speak fully to anyone so that can be tiring). But hang in there…change is not a smooth experience.</p>
<p>Also, although I like to say that counseling helped me tons (it did)…I really want to take just this minute to alert you that you can feel initially worse…Why? Because you have been doing your absolute best effort clearly with your life and your talents, and you have had ways of coping…that aren’t working for you right now. Change means dropping one style of being and coping and blundering a bit till you create a new way of looking at things. </p>
<p>Consider this to be a Growth spurt at a really inconvenient time. As much as you are sort of weary of the rat race, you need lots of time to figure out what mix of challenge, stress, creative outlets, recreation, friendship, work and family is your best mix in life. </p>
<p>You are a really articulate thoughtful person…someone this world needs…and someone who has so much more to experience and to discover. It is clear from your post that you have a high opinion of others (which is a big part of mental health). The other part is having a high opinion of yourself that is an accurate self view. That is what you are working on right now…getting an accurate view of yourself and your strengths and needs. I am sure you are smart enough to know that we all go through dark passages and that change is usually preceded by a sense of disequilibrium. </p>
<p>You do not have to be “so good” all the time.<br>
Time is on your side in every way. You do not have to do a long list of applications or any applications…but if you are going to go through with them…don’t over reach. </p>
<p>Part of succeeding in life is learning to parent yourself well. Envision yourself as a Dad of a hard working, bright and earnest son or daughter who used their time and talents well and thoughtfully as you always have.</p>
<p>Treat yourself just as you will treat your own son or daughter experiencing what you are feeling now. Keep in mind that this is about the time that people your age need other adult mentors that are trustworthy besides their parents. </p>
<p>thinking of you and hoping you will find more peace and relief in the coming days</p>
<p>Laf1980 - thanks for sharing your son’s story. I hope he continues to feel better and have successfull/happy college experience.</p>
<p>How are you doing, Splash?</p>
<p>Are you much happier now than you were a few days ago, Splash?</p>
<p>Laf,
That was a wonderful post. I’m so pleased your son is doing so well.</p>
<p>My friend’s grandson lives in a very competitive area of the NE. He just didn’t want to enter the race to apply for colleges. We encouraged his parents to allow him to take a gap year, and he is now in India. IF he applies next year, he won’t be in competition with classmates. I also think this year will offer him amazing opportunities to learn about another culture, and also about himself.</p>
<p>Loking back, I am so glad my son appllied in junior year of HS. He had never toured any of the colleges he applied to, but he had spent various summers at college programs, so had a sense of large northern,southern places, state and private. When accepted into one of his top choices, all of his friends (& parents) came by the next night for a pizza/celebration party. </p>
<p>He took gap time after college before applying to grad school. The grad school programs paid his way for visits, so he finally got to see the wonderful IVYs, the best of the CA schools, and of course, the top tech schools, like CMU and MIT. At age 23, he was so much more mature, he could consider the profs, programs, as well as the campus vibes.</p>
<p>PS- counseling also helped his growth</p>
<p>Agreeing with so much of the above – Splash – Theodore Roosevelt called what you are feeling “The black dog” on his back. He said, “Black care rarely sits behind the man whose pace is fast enough.” Get some help somewhere. Maybe HS guidance counselors would be good at solving this problem, but sometimes, they aren’t fabulous with helping someone as brilliant as you. Determine that you will find the way out of the way you are feeling. Decide to MAKE IT HAPPEN. Pray if you can. I also add my voice saying apply, go to college, push through this time period. College counselors are much better trained at handling a student like you. At college there is a place for everyone, and something to do. Join, join, join until you are with a group of people you want to be with, doing things that you enjoy or value. The most important thing to do is keep going, and not give up!!!</p>
<p>Hi everyone,</p>
<p>Thank you all for your continuous encouragement and support, and I am really appreciative of those who posted their own family’s experiences and offered kindness and understanding. Laf1980, concretegirl, scarytimes, faline2, bookworm, and others - it is great to hear that you or your loved ones who were once struggling have found what they needed, and you and your family must be so happy for the hope they’ve found.</p>
<p>I am feeling a little better than I was when I first posted this thread - last school week was tough, but during the weekend, I travelled out of state to take a national math event and got to meet some incredible people who share my dedication to math. The camaraderie was incredible and I had such a great time. Before the exam itself, a PBS interviewer asked me about my thoughts regarding this event and its purpose, and later she happily told me that my enthusiastic energy was infectious. That made my day! I was really happy that was able to find some joy and then convey it to others. </p>
<p>Meeting so many new people and having a great time with them really made my weekend. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time! Now I’m working on my college essays for Regular Decision. I’ve drafted two so far, and I’ve actually enjoyed brainstorming and writing them because I can talk about topics that mean a lot to me, things that have affected me profoundly or my views and values. </p>
<p>I love your advice DPTMOM - over the past few days I’ve realized that there is so much possibility and potential for me beyond what I’m feeling and going through during this time period. I tell myself that I can make it…</p>
<p>Splash - If you liked the math event with brainy kids, I bet you’ll like being at college. Good luck!</p>
<p>Good to hear from you Splash!</p>
<p>Splash, this thread has brought tears to my eyes. Glad that things are looking up for you today. </p>
<p>I also suffered from depression when I was young like you (am in my 50s now). Looking back, I can see that my emotions were like a roller coaster, sometimes changing many times in a day. I would see others whose emotions seemed so steady. At some point, I learned to ride the roller coaster and realize things would get better, and then they might go to crap for awhile and then get better, ect. And I learned to embrace everything I felt because it made me uniquely me. And now as an adult, I sometimes see those whose emotions are so steady are kind of boring.</p>
<p>Things that helped me: keeping a journal. Write at least 3 pages at one sitting. You don’t have to do it every day, but often. I don’t journal as much these days–am busier and happier–but it was a huge help.</p>
<p>Don’t forget the power of humor. It is all true what you hear about funny movies, funny books and such. I recently watched the entire season of Glee (my 17 yr old son recommended it) in about 4 days–I had no desire to see it but my son insisted. And it was so upbeat, funny, campy even, it put me in a good mood for days. And there’s nothing like watching something on TV and laughing out loud.</p>
<p>Another thing, look around and see if you can offer anyone in your life some help. But don’t so things that you don’t like, such as if you have grass allergies, don’t offer to cut the elderly neighbor’s grass. However, since you’re so good academically, you could offer your services as a tutor for younger kids, if that’s something you like. Do volunteering within your talents. It doesn’t have to be wide-ranging, just helping someone in your school or neighborhood spreads good-will.</p>
<p>Take it easy on yourself. And it’s okay to mess up every once in awhile! When you do, take it in stride. Oh, that’s another thing I do want to say; sometimes I look at the things I like in other people and try to adopt one or some of their habits and strategies. I have a friend who easily pokes fun at herself and is so easy-going. I may not want to be like her completely, but I can better laugh at my own shortcomings since I’ve been friends with her.</p>
<p>Splash, I sent you a PM.</p>
<p>Also, I’m so happy to read your last post.</p>
<p>Hey splash. Glad to see that you’re interested in math. More glad to see that you’re doing better since you first posted. You have the opportunity to go to some really great colleges. You also have the opportunity to go to some ‘not as great’ colleges for free, and you could probably win a fellowship with stipend. Maybe you ought to kick back for the next four years and not go on to more competitiveness (like JHU, for example, or Berkeley). I’d say there’s quite a high probability that you’ll burn out and quit college. I say don’t quit college, just take it down a notch.</p>
<p>I don’t know how popular my idea will be amongst you, your family, or other parents here. I saw that you were being advised not to go to college, which may be okay, but I think you can get through it. If you go to a less competitive and (I could be crude in saying) easier school, you’ll have more time to learn on your own and enjoy life in general. Personally, the school I go to isn’t that tough, so I have lots of free time that I spend on advanced studies. Of course, I love to do this, that’s the only reason I do it. Even with so much time I get angry at my classes for forcing me to take these damned tests that show the world that I am at least capable of the monotonous ‘acrobatics’ of math, literature and so on. It’s nothing compared to learning because you want to learn.</p>
<p>Don’t give up learning. You can’t. You’re too intelligent to let that go. I know there are people who will jump right on this and say, ‘but so-and-so got so depressed because of college’. Well, here you have options. Because of your stats, you can really do what ever you feel like. You can live your life the way you want to. You can get an education while getting an ‘education’ (something that you can of course get on your own, but I could argue the effectiveness of that versus what you learn in an institution) and you can have a good time without being super competitive. If you still say you don’t like it, you’ve lost nothing but a few months to maybe a year of your time and then you can think about alternatives. Again, you don’t have to continue this radical unhealthy form of competition if you don’t want to because fortunately you’ve found a way to grind through all of that and come out on top.</p>
<p>glad you are having some satisfying and rewarding experiences, Splash.<br>
Keep in mind that people with talent on the far end of a bell curve can also be people who need to pursue balance in their future lives.<br>
Embrace your intensity as part of who you are, and like the last poster noted, learning is a value and pleasure in itself for someone like you.
But I also agree that there are many colleges where you will stand out without sacrificing access to great faculty members, access to peers you can also connect with and without sacrificing a berth in a grad school that makes sense to you down the road.<br>
Don’t sign up for another straight jacket …let your heart and the rest of you do some catching up. Sometimes a larger college with a really healthy mental health quotient has the honors college where you are sought after and get your needs met. Some liberal arts colleges are truly seeking candidates like you, and they can offer superior things that only small classes, labs and intimate supports from teachers can provide.<br>
stay open and remember that this is a season in life where your Mom and Dad are still very central to all aspects of your life, but you will be shifting more and more to new mentors your age and older. Become good at seeking mentors of good character and become good at being generous also with yourself, catching your breath and allowing yourself to experience the dissonance that comes with change and alteration in life. To get to know yourself is a privilege in a college setting, and there are counselors on every staff who love to get to know promising young adults who are changing rapidly. </p>
<p>Your family and parents can’t do it all…when I left one of my sons at Hopkins and at college later on elsewhere…I told him that managing some loneliness is the human condition and is part of all new ventures. I told him not to judge anyone harshly by their freshman in college persona because everyone is a work in transition. The person you envy today, who seems to socially dominate and who you may think has the world by the tail, is the person who may not impress you so much down the road and the hall mate at college who seemed a dull …may turn out to be the person you can count on most in life, the person who may be with you in all sorts of landmarks in your life, and someone you failed to appreciate on first meeting.<br>
while it is good to manage stress and a certain amount of social loneliness in life, don’t deprive yourself of the comfort of the ear of someone with perspective when you need help to find your balance in life…
I am sure that you will find college to have many intrinsic rewards that mean very much to you…so that is the outcome and you will have no problem getting to a fine school…let up on the competitive soup you are in during this complex college application season</p>
<p>…this too shall pass…</p>
<p>The thoughtful advice on this thread has given me a new perspective for college applications. I now know the importance of choosing an institution that has a student environment I can relate to and that overall will be beneficial to my mental health and well-being.</p>
<p>The college application process is painful though, because as I fill in the grids and reflect on the past 3 1/2 years, I can’t help but think of what could have been. </p>
<p>See, I had gotten really into math at the beginning of the 8th grade, and in spring at the statewide middle school contest, I placed 10th, and I also took the AMC tests (largest national math contest) and ultimately placed top 500 in the nation, qualifying for the USAMO. (This USAMO pool was predominantly juniors and seniors; I was one of about 40 middle-schoolers.) My entire school knew I was really good at math. I did really well in my other subjects, too. And outside of school, I dedicated a lot of time singing in a well-known regional choir. In my spare time, I ran, having been on cross-country in the fall. Coming out of 8th grade, I was a super-star. </p>
<p>I don’t know what happened in high school. August before 9th grade I made a not-so-great choice regarding a significant commitment and felt terrible for weeks. I felt like I was doomed to make horrible choices and was so deeply filled with regret. But I tried to put that behind me as 9th grade started. In 9th grade, I stopped singing in the choir, electing to devote my afternoons to only cross country. I started off the year with really strong grades. I’d place top 20 in the regional math league meets and wish I’d done better. I’d place top 12 in the New England JV girls cross country championships and be embarrassed of my times. I felt like I was never good enough. And at some point, I don’t even know exactly when, things just started falling apart. I couldn’t keep up with my homework assignments anymore. I got 3 B-'s and one C+ out of my 5 finals. I journaled about feeling sad but I don’t think it ever got to the point of despair.</p>
<p>When I was in 10th grade I stopped running (injury) and took up another individual sport instead. I got really good at it really quickly. My instructor suggested I compete in the regional competition and I didn’t think I was ready but I didn’t know how to say no. I ended up practicing something like 20 hours a week while taking an overfull courseload at school. I either trained or did homework all the time. My grades were really good. But I literally never saw my friends at all and the intense training and body image consciousness caused me to eat pretty much close to nothing. Then I burned out and literally couldn’t get myself to practice the sport again.</p>
<p>11th grade was sort of hard. I was still struggling with destructive eating behavior which sort of controlled my mood and thoughts and life in general. I took the SAT for the first time and got a 2180. I scored top 5 in the state on the AMC math test - some things never change. As hard as things emotionally were, they got better. I dated a boy (who ended up being top 20 in the nation for chemistry) for many months. The destructive eating behavior improved. My grades became really good. I dated another boy (who actually placed top 30 nationally for math). He made me so happy.</p>
<p>Summer after 11th grade I took part in a prestigious teaching internship. I wrote all of my lesson plans and homework assignments and taught middle school students for six weeks. It was insanely hard. The kids were great. My coworkers were so dedicated. I had never had so much coffee in my life. After the internship, my bf came back from vacation and ended the relationship with no warning. He blocked me on chat and Facebook and tried to forget about me. I lost my best friend for 4 years who had meant so much to me. I stopped trusting people for a while.</p>
<p>Now I’m two months into senior year. I took the SAT for a second time and got 2290. I look around me and the competition at my school is so insane. 20-30% of last year’s graduating class went to one of the Ivies. The average SAT score here is just over 2100. None of my friends ever go on chat anymore because they’re too busy polishing their applications. The vibe at my school is insane. I feel really sad really often, and I don’t know why. Tears get in the way of homework. I’m trying to apply to college but I’m not sure where to apply to. Filling out the activities section, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t even know what I like anymore. I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore.</p>
<p>When I look back at these 3 1/2 years of high school, I think of pain and struggle rather than achievement and improvement. I feel so bad. I can’t help but think about what could have happened. I feel like right now, I am just not good enough. And then I feel pessimistic about application outcomes.</p>
<p>Wow, this turned out to be long. I guess this is Splash’s high school life summed up in 6 or so paragraphs. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m confused about what colleges I want to apply to and confused about life in general. What are your thoughts?</p>
<p>I know the competitive culture around you has affected you. Sometimes, it damages those who do well even more than those who don’t. I remember looking back at high school, when I was 18, and having a lot of similar feelings.</p>
<p>For specific colleges, do you want to give more information about location where you would most like to go (part of the country, urban versus rural etc.)? Sounds like you would like to pursue math, what else?</p>
<p>Have you already submitted some applications?</p>
<p>Is the eating disorder fully resolved, and do you have ongoing help keeping it that way, or is that no longer needed? Times of transition, when things feel a little out of control, can be a hard time for eating disorders and other issues too.</p>
<p>What happened with the school psychologist? Everyone on this board is very impressed and touched by you, as you can tell, but we are no substitute for talking with someone. And it would be nice for it to be someone a little detached from the culture that you are immersed in.</p>
<p>Remember, it is not like that everywhere, and at college you will meet people from all kinds of backgrounds- almost all of whom are feeling inadequate as well.</p>
<p>I actually just talked to the psychologist this morning, and he knows what I’ve written in the large post above. I no longer use food to drown out my feelings, which is definitely a good thing. I’ve submitted 5 applications so far - 4 EA, 1 RD. </p>
<p>My above post was extremely long and I thank you if you’ve taken the time to read it. When I was writing it, I was feeling really confused and couldn’t really pinpoint what I was feeling. But now I think I’ve figured out what I wanted to say. I think, at this point looking back on 3.5 years, I don’t feel like I have anything to show for them - I certainly don’t have the national science and math rankings that a few of my classmates have. I’m just sort of sad and frustrated because so many things have been a struggle, yet they feel futile. And I’m not sure where to go from here.</p>