Depression and suicide in Asian American students

Pre-College Topics High School Life
101

<p>I’m gonna ramble. I want to read the posts on here, but most of them are very long and I don’t have the time today, but I want to ramble, haha, and revel in the beauty of the internet. </p>

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<p>Not counting teenage angst, I don’t think I’m seriously depressed, but I sometimes get images of myself dead and being found three weeks later in an isolated one-room apartment in New York. Or something. I sure wish my parents had brought me up better. Not that they haven’t, and not that they do not care about me – I know that they love me very much, but our childhoods have been so different that they don’t know how to direct me. Compared to some Asian parents, I’m sure they can seem very lenient; I can bleach my hair and pierce my cartilages and they won’t get angry. They will let me pursue art as a career, and although they’re not super supportive and tend to hint at me to pursue a “better” major, they’ve bought me whatever I wanted and needed in art, and have sent me to private art lessons since I was five. Still, in my society – American society --they are considered strict, seeing frequent social gatherings as taboos, and getting testy when I try to go out more than two times in say… a month. Thanks to them, and my naturally introverted nature, I’ve become an awkward and reclusive, and I feel myself slowly morphing into a hermit, sour and bitter. I really want to change, I really do, but I feel like I’m so screwed up, and I feel so ridiculous for even admitting it in my head – I have everything I need, I have excellent grades, I have talent and motivation and a supportive family that want the best for me. I hate being that suburban, ungrateful, “emo” girl with everything. But I feel so screwed up. My relationship with my parents is virtually nonexistent, and the conversations we have always turn into arguments. Every time I want to yell at them, “This is all your fault; you’ve screwed me up bad, really bad, and I swear to god. I want to go see a counselor, then maybe I will be able to talk to people without stuttering or feeling afraid and incompetent; you say that all you want me to be is happy, but you’ve failed, because I’m miserable; you tell me to be optimistic, but how can I be when you’ve been so quick to point out my flaws and barely acknowledge my achievements?” But of course I won’t, because it doesn’t have anything to do with the argument in the first place, and I know that I will hurt them badly, and I don’t want to, because I love them, no matter how angry I may feel at them, and lastly because I won’t be even able to say this in coherent Korean.</p>

<p>

This paragraph was what made me start writing. I can so wholly empathize on this point that I cannot emphasize it enough. I’ve thought about my “social anxiety” (self-diagnosed, haha) alot, and how it happened. Good basis for it was my innate shyness. Prohibition for “hanging” helped. The things they have said in my childhood, their actions towards my achievements and failures hurt and still hurt me, as small and insignificant as they seem. </p>

<p>Memory 1: Single B in my report card in 7th grade. 99 in Algebra I. No mention of the 99, but scolding for my B. Memory 2: 6th grade. Award in orchestra and English, and recognition for being in the top 10. I remember crying myself to sleep. No mention of the awards I received. Memory 3: 8th grade. New school. One single award, “only” in art. My dad got extremely angry at me and my sister (who had gotten nothing) and yelled at us the whole way back to school. I remember crying that day too. I thought my mom would be more supportive: wrong. She did not bother hiding her disappointment at our failure in academic subjects. I still feel hurt and sad thinking about this day, but I doubt they remember. Same repertoire in 9th grade and 10th grade, except with just cynical comments and no yelling (maybe they are improving!!), in which I got NO awards, but only got to walk the stage for getting straight As. The lack of acknowledgement doesn’t end there, but extends to my artistic life as well. I do not show my art to my parents anymore. Not once have I gotten a wholly positive feedback. Whatever compliments they give are followed by what they think are “constructive” criticisms when they, more specifically my father, don’t know ***** about art. I sound horrible for saying it but it irks me so. They give a simple congratulations, or good job to the numerous state awards I’ve gotten. I think they show them off to their friends, but being enthusiastic is not in their dictionary. They will never blubber over my art and pay big bucks to get my artworks framed, like my friends’ parents do, not that I want them too, but I guess it’d be nice if the idea didn’t seem so otherworldly to me.</p>

<p>I wish they realized and acknowledged how much I did, how strong I’ve stayed. I sound arrogant, but this is how I feel. The problem I think, is that they do not even realize it. We are so different. They do not know what American teenagers are like, what a typical American high school is. They cannot even begin to fathom half of the school having tried pot and coming to school high (I casually asked my mom one day what percentage of students she thought did drugs, and she replied, three percent, and that was a high figure for her. I laughed and told her it was like fifty, and she became seriously concerned and seemed to distrust me even more, so I don’t bother mentioning negative things anymore, though I am not even vaguely familiar with those stuff.), they do not understand why marijuana should not be seriously shocking, and they do not understand why social life is such an important part of high school.</p>

<p>[[On the aspect of social life: The impression I have is that in Korea, studying sorta equals socializing, because everyone studies – thus, you study with your friends, you don’t necessarily need extra bonding time to build friendships. Wait, I don’t even think they consider socializing important when you are a student, because our only and sole duty is to study and good grades. (Am I right? I’ve lived in Korea till only third grade, so I have huge blank spots.) It’s so frustrating to hear that I play too much when I barely go out… ]]</p>

<p>They will never, ever know, and can never, ever comprehend fully my life and what kind of things I may be facing. For god’s sake, they were farmers, and my dad’s grandpa wouldn’t let his children go to school in harvesting season. Still, I wish they knew and were proud that I voluntarily stay out of trouble whether it be drugs, drinking, sex, parties, and god knows what else, when I can easily choose to not be so straightedge. I wish they knew that getting A-'s and failing to get recognition from teachers by sucking up to them and kissing weren’t the worst thing I could do. I wish I could tell them all this in good Korean, without them feeling terrible about it. </p>

<p>Funny thing is, I don’t think they realize that they come off as critical or pushy to me, and I think they pride themselves for being not hardcore Asian about studying/ivy leagues, comparing, and whatnot. They are pious Christians, and my parents try very hard for us to focus on God and the things that "truly matter. (Sorry daddy, I’m borderline agnostic at the moment, maybe my eyes will be opened later.) I really don’t think they can help making derogatory comments and acting the way they do sometimes; they don’t realize it, because it’s… embedded in them, I guess. It’s what they are. Asian. Korean. Their culture. It doesn’t occur to them that their attitude… although attitude makes it sound purposeful, when it is not… might have a terrible effect. How can you change the way you’ve interpreted things for 40 years?</p>

<p>Well, put this Asian attitude in an American society (Yay for us 1.5&2.0 generations), and d*amn, you got yourself some screwed up Asian kids.</p>

<p>Oh man I wish I was a better writer. Not that any of you will read this eheheee</p>

<p>and just general comments:</p>

<p>

I usually HATE reading articles generalizing about Asians, because they tend to describe extremities and is just ughhh I just dislike them so much, but this one I agreed with on many points. I mean, I still don’t love it, because general Asian-ness described in English always come off as so cheesy and not of the real world… anyone know what I’m talking about? But it was fair and enlightening enough.</p>

<p>

Ironically, Asians – at least Koreans – feel that Westerners are highly impersonal and have no “정”. They feel like it’s too fake and overdone; it’s not a bad thing, but it takes them (and me) a while to get used to it.</p>

<p>

Not pointless, but awkward. So awkward. Awkward even to think about, practically impossible to imagine.</p>

<p>My problems are probably not even their fault. I’m trying to blame it on external factors to make myself feel better. I’m being unfair to them, and I feel so miserable for being so angry at them, because I know they love me and care for me more than anything else in the world and would sacrifice everything and anything in their lives to let me have a better life. I’ve never seen more selfless and dedicated parents than mine in my life. I know this fact so well that it makes me tear up thinking about it. But nothing changes the fact that I feel so messed up, and that I’ve ended up being a negative nancy with 0% social life, but highly skilled at getting good grades. I want to be social, I want to be “fun”, and I want to be popular and pretty, but I can’t. And I end up blaming it on them, when I try to find the root of the problem. My parents.</p>

<p>Interesting article. You made me stay up way to late the day before my SAT. D*mn, it’s 4 AM now. Two hours of sleep here I come… haha c;</p>

102

<p>I’m not Asian but, this article is frightening.</p>

<p>Because a student could tell his or her parents that she is depressed, but if they pass this off as nothing it will increase the risk of suicide like ten fold.</p>

103

<p>All I can say is, if you’re Asian and you’ve had too much pressure put on you, do two things: 1) don’t bother trying hard unless it’s for something you enjoy; and 2) when/if you have kids, don’t pressure them at all. I mean, no, don’t let them become reckless junkies who have no respect for themselves, but don’t expect them to be number one at everything.</p>

104

<p>^Much if this has to do with cultural differences. The Korean educational system, for instance, is vastly different from the American educational system. In Korea, everyone is vying for the valedictorian position. Not only that, but everyone is trying to get into a single university - Seoul National University. If you don’t get into that one university, you’ll either join the army and serve your required time, or spend another year studying to try to get in next year. Getting in is the American equivalent of a Harvard acceptance. So many people push themselves so hard that if you don’t go to a second school (school from like 4pm to 12 am), then you might as well consider yourself out. There’s a saying: If you sleep more than 4 hours, then you’ll fail.</p>

<p>Now compare it to the American system. The idea here is that no matter what college you go to, its the effort you put into it that’ll determine if you succeed or not. That’s why people don’t commit suicide over not being accepted into their number 1 choice (or not as many). That’s why Asian parents push their children so much. They grew up in a system that pushes them twenty times harder, and they believe that they are lowering the amount of pressure that they are putting on their children.</p>

<p>Asian parents are by no means heartless or cruel. You just have to understand the culture to understand them.</p>

105

<p>Sometimes it takes deaths for people to see things in a different light.</p>

106

<p>I’m Indian & I definitely understand where this is coming from. I do have those failure feelings, but it’s just because I want my parents to be proud of me & I can’t stand the thought of disappointing them. As stated above ^, it’s just part of the cultures for parents to want their children to be successful & happy, just as it is for us to want to make our parents happy through our successes. It’s just really sad how insane the pressure can get sometimes.</p>

107

<p>Holy ****, damn i almost cried.</p>

108

<p>I understand Korean culture is different, but does that make it okay for teenagers over there to have to go through that? I’m not saying american culture is any good, far from it. I’m saying “it’s the culture” is a bad excuse!</p>

109

<p>I could totally understand their feeling of killing themselves. In most Asian country, government values country(or society) more then people. You are worthy to live when your existence could make a better society. The desire of success is so intense that sometime makes people suffocated.</p>

110

<p>@Daxlo5, Same. Probably because I can kind of relate to this article. But on the bright side, my dad is working on “Americanizing” my mom or at least teaching her how to have a more open mind about my future and things like that.</p>

111

<p>@ heps1996 It’s not an excuse. It is culture, and it’s an explanation. You grow up with these values and ideals instilled in you, and the pressure comes from both yourself and your family. It’s hard to abandon these values that have practically become synonymous with one’s identity. I know–I grew up with both Japanese and Chinese influences. </p>

<p>I can relate very well to the article, although my parents are happy with whatever profession I choose as long as it’s lucrative, and there’s nothing about honor or dishonor in my family.</p>

112

<p>Ummm are Asian parents really that strict?</p>

113

<p>[Additional</a> Stress Reduction and Prevention Resources - Stress Reduction and Management](<a href=“http://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=15688&cn=117]Additional”>http://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=15688&cn=117)</p>

114

<p>Yeah, I can relate my family to this article. It’s challenging to be a first generation asian and to deal with the different cultural differences. Even though they’re back offed the pressure recently, it’s hard to undo the cultural values instilled into you since a very young age. </p>

<p>Ironic thing is that my parents aren’t academically successful, yet they had always pushed me to be academically successful. They want the best for us, but what is really the best?</p>

115

<p>I’m not thinking about suicide, but I feel like this pressure and my “depression” (breaking down all the time) is getting out of hand. I go to a very competitive school, and my parents don’t understand how hard you have to try to actually earn those As. It’s worse with my dad. All he cares about is the ranking of the university, and that’s what makes it better than others. I’ve told him many times that ranking doesn’t mean much at all, but he just doesn’t get it. </p>

<p>I should first mention that he’s 100% Indian, with the “Asian” mentality. He doesn’t know anything about American school, but he thinks he does. Almost every time I talk to him, he brings up a “project” that I need to do before I graduate. Two “projects” actually. My required science fair project (that my school doesn’t even tell us to do until 11th grade and I’m in 10th), and a project on my own that will get me into a top university. He doesn’t get that I also play tennis, debate, and have 5 AP subjects to deal with. Those projects are the last thing I want to thing about. Oh, he also mentioned the SAT. He said, “I talked to aunty’s daughter who went to Duke. She said she practiced SAT problems all the time, which is how she did so well. I think that’s what you should be doing. Is there a way to get those practice problems?” Me - “SAT prep books” Him - “You should get that” Me - “I already have one” Him - “Are you using it?” Me - “I’m a sophomore. I’m taking the test in a year. I’m studying for physics right now.” (This is a typical conversation with my dad).</p>

<p>It’s this kind of thing that makes me so distant from him. We’re not close at all. 1. Because he’s always on call (he’s a doctor), and 2. Because of unavoidable conversations like these.</p>

<p>Maybe this is just me venting. It is actually. I’m just so sick of this pressure.</p>