<p>The frustration with parental “hovering” is coming through loud and clear. If you’ve tried again and again to talk to your parent, but nothing changes, it’s probably not going to magically turn around with one earnest talk. Some parents just have a hard time letting go of control.</p>
<p>Instead, you have to focus on your own vision for your life, in college and beyond. No need to antagonize or disrespect parents, but try to keep up your grades and activities FOR YOURSELF, not to please them. If you can do that, you’ll have many more options open to you when it comes to colleges, majors and a choice of a future career. The key is to avoid sabotaging yourself by letting things slide because you’re frustrated with a hovering parent or have a subconscious need to rebel against them. </p>
<p>When you go away to college, you’ll have more freedom. You’ll have more strength and ability to set your own course. Parental pressure can still be intense, but find something that satisfies you. If you’re successful at something that you love, chances are good that your parents will come around. </p>
<p>Here’s an article from the American Medical Student Association titled, “M.D. or Else: Family Pressure Leaves Its Mark on Future Physicians.” It’s about children whose parents insist that they become doctors. As the story reads, “Children are encouraged from infancy to become physicians. All through school and at home, they are told medicine is the only career they can pursue. Period.” </p>
<p>I agree, once parents are “americanized”, they become more understanding. Of course, I’m not saying asian parents should become completely “americanized”, they should still retain some expectations and standards.</p>
<p>My mom is more traditional while my dad is laidback. My mom still gets upset over a B, but as long as I reassure her that I’ll bring it back up, she drops the subject. I would say my family is more balanced than most. I can do whatever I want as long as I try my best in school. </p>
<p>My family still believes that the best way of showing love is to provide new opportunities to their children. I really appreciate that and thank them for my current lifestyle. At the same time though, they still show love in other ways.<br>
I agree that asians tend to suffer silently. I do that all the time even though my family is open to discussions. I tend to be my own biggest critic; perhaps I got that from back in the old “unamericanized” days.</p>
<p>GirlieGurl, I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope that you’re doing better. Hang in there. You have a long and wonderful life ahead of you. It can be hard to be in high school and to feel that you’re determining your entire future, based on your grades and SATs and college acceptances. But it’s not true. Life is full of chances and opportunities. (Take it from someone who got two Ds in high school, had to appeal to get into college, and still managed to have a happy life, complete with the job of my dreams.) Someday, you’ll look back and realize that all the struggles and stress over grades and colleges has faded into oblivion because a much bigger world has unfolded before you. Believe in yourself. You can do it.</p>
<p>"It is NEVER worth it to physically abuse children. NEVER. Physical abuse is illegal and leaves permanent mental scars. " post 19
I agree. It tears up the kids’ self-esteems. Believe me, this hurts more than physical abuse. Physical abuse leads to lack of self-worth, which is a terrible way to feel, that you are inferior to anyone and everyone around you.</p>
<p>Most of the article about asian parents does ring true, though I’m lucky that my parents have become a bit “westernized”. Though I still am nagged for that B this progress report in APUSH, it’s not so bad that I’m not “perfect” in the subjects I’m not very good at. They also will let me choose whatever colleges I want, instead of pushing me to try to get into all Ivy Leagues or MIT or Caltech, and so on.</p>
<p>However, they do never seem to praise good performance in school, and only praise extraordinary awards. And my parents do tend to just provide a lot of opportunities (though my dad ALWAYS complains about it costing too much money, even though we easily afford it). My parents still have that "Look how lucky we are to be able to provide you with this… blah blah blah…</p>
<p>But I’m okay though, feeling pretty good about academics and such stuff my parents would care about.</p>
<p>Now my (work in progress) relationship with this one girl is a different story however… Aghhh</p>
<p>This is very tragic- she must have had such unreasonable expectations imposed on her at a very young age, which is the case for many first generation Chinese kids. But at the same time, it must have also been immensely difficult for her parents, who may not have had the privilege of attending college in their lives, to raise a child to “suceed” without ever having experienced the true essence of success themselves. Most Chinese parents, including mine, place a remarkable amount of emphasis on financial success and seem to be under the impression that money solves everything. Only in recent years have they realized that there exists an inverse relationship between their monthly income and level of emotional satisfaction, and allowed more leeway in my own academic pursuits. This is a very real issue that affects both Asian American students and their parents alike, and one that I sincerely hope gets addressed in every university in this nation.</p>
<p>This is sad, but my parents are the opposite.</p>
<p>My brother got accepted to Harvard, sister to UNC, another brother to Binghamton, and then me. We all get good grades, even though I don’t think my parents have ever seen my report card. And that’s the way I like it.</p>
<p>I realize my parents are the other extreme, and that we could of easily ended up doing horrible if we all weren’t self-motivated. But if you do work like me, because you want to do good, you’ll be happy, if someone else wants you to do good, it just causes unneccesary stress.</p>
<p>I love being Asian-American! I like the constant pressure my parents put on me. If I was never externally motivated, I would never have become self-motivated. When they made me do four-digit multiplication problems in kindergarten, they were setting me up for a better understanding of the human condition. (And yes, I’m dead serious about that.)</p>
<p>Then again, my parents were never physically abusive - and in most cases, I’m a pretty obedient Indian child. (Don’t ask about the other cases…)</p>
<p>Ridiculous. That girl’s mentality is wrong. People have no excuses to kill themselve. Her fault completely. I don’t even understand why people relate this to asian thing.</p>
<p>As for my experience, the problem arises from the combination of these:
Strict academic environment + stereotypes on asians + introverted character
The academic environment limits a student from socializing outside the academic circle. In USA, even in places like MIT, most students do not socialize through academics. The stereotype adds to the difficulty because non-asians will usually not approach asians spontaneously. So, with introverted character combined, it becomes hard to have some fun with your friends.
That is why I many times disagree that Asians studying in America is less stressful than studying hardcore in Asia. In Asian, none of these aforementioned issues exist, not even the first one because a lot of people socialize through academic circles</p>
<p>I’d like to correct an important detail: Elizabeth Shin did indeed die from the burns she suffered, but it was revealed that she had taken a non-lethal dose of over-the-counter medication, had lit a candle and, drowsy from the effects of the overdose, must have knocked over the candle onto herself.</p>
<p>I did find myself under trees during my school year a couple times, contemplating suicide. When my parents figured out that I was depressed though, I’m not exactly sure what they said word for word but they said some pretty encouraging things to me that helped me overcome my mental pain.</p>
<p>I successfully finished first year and am looking forward to my sophomore year.</p>
<p>I’m a Chinese American, and I can admit that I have seriously contemplated suicide–have attempted it before, actually. (Although I would never choose to burn myself to death…o.O That’s just inviting unnecessary pain, and it’s not even fail-safe.)</p>
<p>My parents, though, have always been very supportive. I don’t think I’ve been scolded or reprimanded for anything academic since at least four or five years ago, and my family environment is fairly low-pressure for me. I’ve discussed my depression/etc. with my counselor and my parents, and my parents have offered to take me to a therapist or psychologist on several occasions. My mom has even said that it would be “okay” if I failed out of college. </p>
<p>So at least in my specific case, I’d say that it isn’t accurate to lay the blame at the parents’ and culture’s feet. Depression and suicide seem to usually be an internal/dispositional problem for high-achievers, and I don’t think that high standards are necessarily responsible. After all, high standards and the idea of bringing honor to the family…those are in the lives of many, many Asian Americans. The majority, though, can “withstand” this with little problem. It’s only in combination with a volatile or self-deprecating mentality that the high standards create the pressures that push students too far.</p>
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<p>@ThomasJefferson - I sincerely hope you never say that to a suicidal person; it’s incredibly insensitive. There are most definitely reasons for people to want to kill themselves–that’s why it happens. When certain dispositions and circumstances collide, hopelessness and desperation are almost natural results. It takes unusual strength of mind and strength of will to pull yourself out of those situations. Besides, people have a right to their own lives–to both live it and end it, whatever their choice may be.</p>