Desperate Newbie needs parenting advice (long)

Parents Forum
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<p>What I mean by that is, with my daughter when they started going out to parties, I would check up on them to make sure they were where they told me they were going to be. When they were younger, 15 and younger, they have tried to pull few fast ones on me, but when they found out I was going to check up on them, they stopped. When they got older, with more sense and self control, I no longer needed to check up on them. </p>

<p>When D1 first started college, I used to ask to see her test grades and final grades. After a semester, I stopped asking, and she continued to tell me.</p>

<p>I do everything with verification, work and personal life. Once the trust is there it doesn´t go away. It has served me well.</p>

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<p>So sorry, OP. Awful situation to be in. That said, I’d insist he find a subletter for the apartment ASAP. Dont reward his deception with permission to stay in the apartment.</p>

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<p>@ starbright - I’ve reread your post and believe I misunderstood you. I’m sorry. :o I believe (now) you understood the need to verify the OP’s son, just not all kids(?).</p>

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<p>So sorry you are faced with this so late in the summer. The pressure to make a fast decision must be making this even worse than it would have been if you had found out in early June.</p>

<p>My thoughts about this might be different depending on a few things:
Does son have a group of trustworthy friends at college?
How far away from home is the college?
Huge, impersonal university or small LAC, or somewhere inbetween?
Urban, suburban or rural college?
Does your son have a car at college?
Do you know how far away the apartment is from campus?</p>

<p>Son at a small town based LAC 30 miles from home, without a car, renting an apartment across the street from the campus…vs…Son at very large, urban university that is a 6 hour drive from home, with a car, in an apartment that’s 3 miles from campus. I’d maybe feel a little differently about the situation with one versus the other, especially regarding how far away the school from home.</p>

<p>And where, exactly will the girlfriend be living?</p>

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<p>He was seen by a doctor in the er,followed up with a regular physician (same hospital), treated by an opthamologist/specialist weekly for 2 months, followed up with our own physician who obtained the records and consulted with a neurologist and then later saw his behavioral psychologist who also consulted with a medical doctor. The short answer is that post concussive syndrome can’t be medically diagnosed but often heals with time and yes it is believed he has some “psychological trauma” associated with the the assault which we hope he has overcome. His counselor thought he was OK but of course can no longer really discuss this with us as he is now 19.
Again, I will sound like I am making excuses. That’s the problem. I can give you logical explanations for a lot of this. He had a tremendous course load that was likely over-his-head. He was a bio chem major and the class he dropped was an upper level Biology/Genetics class that had 2 prerequisites which his counselor told him “he did not need” despite not having taken biology since his freshman year in HS. Over 1/2 of the class withdrew by mid terms. Again, excuses but he was not taking an easy load. We have never had issues with his grades in the past.
The duplicity with the apartment is new - this has all happened in the last 5 days -after his friend lost his original roommate. He has a tendency to be impetuous and probably did not think this through. My guess is that he would have eventually come to us after getting out of his housing contract and presented us with the full picture of how he was going to pay for it, furnish it etc as a done deal thinking he was being proactive. I don’t think he anticipated that he was stuck in his housing contract. As of right now he has appealed their decision (snooped again) and it’s looking more favorable. (Housing as usual is oversold with kids in hotel rooms, so it may be that they release him.)
The drinking citation doesn’t thrill me, but he’s a college student and they go to parties and drink. The fact that he had a .03 on the breathalyzer at midnight works in his favor, IMO. He also told us about the citation the next day, went to court, paid the fine and took the class without any prompting.
The stoned thing is another issue, not happy at all and I can tell you we had plenty LIVE conflict over that. I would like to avoid conflict but I don’t and I won’t with this either. I just hate that my younger boys become an audience. FWIW He has not come home altered in any sense since then. </p>

<p>The GF going to school there is a non issue, we like her, we know her and if anything - she is a good influence on him. </p>

<p>What I am struggling with finding a way forward and finding a balance between helicoptering and sink or swim.</p>

<p>If i have made him out to be diabolical, I apologize. He is a good boy in MOST ways. The HS experimentation was a low point - yes. But he was cooperative with counseling, being drug tested as well as transparent with everything, obeying curfew, being courteous, helpful, chores etc. He is a wonderful big brother and has been a mostly pleasant and loving son. I guess I want to give him a second chance so he can succeed but yes - I am very concerned that he is faltering. And I know that unless we handle this with kid gloves, he could get volatile (he was always a tantrum thrower) and I am dreading it. He has the type of personality that tends to strike out then flee when he feels boxed in. (Which we identified through therapy so we have a label if we have no solution LOL)</p>

<p>I am not trying to make light of any of it-and I cannot express how helpful you all have been. It’s been so wonderful to read all the responses and typing these replies has really helped me clarify and sort through my feelings.</p>

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<p>Eastcoascrazy: Medium sized state university, 4 hours away but within his dad’s sales territory. His apt will be closer (short walk)to his classes than his dorm room. His roommate is a local boy he has known since 5th grade, a football teammate in grade & HS. They were never best friends until college but we carpooled a lot ages 10-15. Small sized, blue collar city-the school is in a lovely nature/river setting so not urban yet not suburban. No car, GF will be living in the dorms, but likely staying over A LOT (my guess). Again, we know her & her family well, she lives down the street from us.</p>

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<p>Well, it sounds to me like you are correct to be concerned, but maybe at this point you can just let him go and monitor the situation. Maybe with GF there (since she is a good influence) and the new living situation his grades will improve. I mean, if he wasn’t in college he would probably have an apartment with his friends and work full time and you still would not be able to control the situation. </p>

<p>I am all for getting involved however at this point I don’t know what you can do other than pulling him out of school, and I don’t know if that would be in his best interest. It sounds like he is taking care of getting out of the dorm contract on his own.</p>

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<p>"He has said to us that he has trouble concentrating and trouble with energy levels. His counselor - whom I like and trust - suggested that the decline in grades he has experienced together with his symptoms could be post concussive syndrome. He also is dealing with anxiety resulting from the assault which was truly very frightening.
WOAH!
OP, If I were you, I would LISTEN to what your son is saying about his head injuries, and the effect they have had on his ability to concentrate! 2 Concussions of the brain are NOT something to brush off or take lightly! If he is NOT his old self neurologically, OR psychologically, then perhaps you should ask him if he would feel better if he could take a medical leave of absence from the college right away. [ that also might solve the on campus housing issue, but that’s a lesser issue than his mental ability to stay in college.
Maybe he moved into an appt cause the guy who punched him knows where he was living on campus ??</p>

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<p>“Sweetie, I love you, and I love how hard you’ve worked all summer, and I know how much you are wanting more independence. I understand that you have gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle about housing for the fall semester. We need to talk about it.”</p>

<p>In all honesty, your son sounds like any young man who has made a fair share of mistakes, as most teens do. He doesn’t sound like he’s headed into anything more awful than an impetuous, not well thought through decision to move off campus. And right now, he’s probably just as upset and worried at the situation he has put himself in as you are. He can’t, for the life of him, figure a way out of the dorm/apartment double booking, and he’d probably be (secretly) very relieved if you confronted him about it with an offer to help figure out what needs to be done now. </p>

<p>We’ve always told our kids that the “Mom Network” is a powerful tool that can not be explained or ignored. Through it, we, and most of our kids’ friends’ parents have found out all sorts things that seemed to be appallingly awful at the time. Its how we have managed to nip a lot of stuff in the bud. Its how we all survive the teens. IMHO, you do not owe him an explanation of exactly how you found out about the apartment plan. You do owe him a reasoned, thoughtful response to just that particular situation(without bringing up his past), and how you believe it needs to be handled. You do owe it to him to listen to his explanation for the apartment, because apartment living might make sense.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry you are going through this emotional turmoil. I honestly don’t know what I would do, but I feel that having a strong and well communicated plan B for 2nd semester would be appropriate. Gather the financial facts and deadlines from the college and landlord so you know what it will cost/save you if S is allowed to continue through the entire school year. Then let your S know what is required of him in order to continue by way of Grandma’s generosity.</p>

<p>That being said. I hope he does well this school year and that what you just lived through was just a little bump in the road to maturity.</p>

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<p>menloparkmom - thank you for affirming my observation regarding possible post-concussive syndrome. The thing I learned about dealing with someone who is recovering from a concussion (H got one this summer after a bike crash) is that they need someone to make rather important medical decisions for them, such as following up with a physician and they need that someone to attend the appts. with them to explain what it is they are observing in the patient. I made this mistake (not making sure I was there for every discussion involving his treatment), but because I’d never been around anyone who’d had a concussion, I didn’t realize how important it was.</p>

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<p>With eastcoastcrazy, talk to him, let hom know what you know and how can you help? Even if it is just listening. He go himself into the double rent and it appears he is attempting to get himself out.</p>

<p>I would definitely encourage another look with the doc for the head injury, have 3 football playing sons so those concussions can be lethal even years down the road.</p>

<p>Your angry because it hurts to know that he didn’t come to you about the apartment. He felt he couldn’t trust you. That has to suck for you and for him.</p>

<p>He doean’t know how to change it so it is up to you as his mom to change the dynamic. Don’t fix it, and don’t tell him what he wants to hear. Give him an unbiased but caring, thoughtful suggestions/or just listening to his current situation.</p>

<p>Make this a teaching moment, there is no loss if he and you can take away some important lessons.</p>

<p>Still be firm, not a push over but let him know you are there for him, you love him.</p>

<p>Good luck</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone, we didn’t avoid the conflict, we did hash it out. I took Kats advice and changed the dynamic because I couldn’t change the situation. I found a way to make it work while making it clear that if he cannot get out of the dorm he MUST sublet the apt or come home. I am not thrilled, nor is he but maybe that’s the way it works. And h is a little lost. And so am I. Our son is a little lost too - no winners. I will post an update when I digest it.</p>

<p>I can’t thank you all enough - from the bottom of my heart. I reached out blindly and reaped the rewards. Amazing kindness from strangers. Will be back to reciprocate.</p>

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<p>You sound like a great mom! I think you really just needed to talk it out. Sometimes just saying (writing) things out, the act of expressing ourselves to others, helps us to understand what we feel better than we did before. Great job on finding a resolution that respects your feelings that what he did wasn’t acceptable, but was wasn’t reactive. Equally important is the feeling that your son finds that conflict stinks, but he can get through it and he should have trusted Mom. I hope you sleep easier knowing you did the best you could with a though situation.</p>

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<p>I hope you will ask (and listen) about why he wants off campus. Some dorms are wild – and immature. </p>

<p>Take fear off the table. Say “look, I may not see things the way you do, but I love you and believe in you. Next time you are afraid to tell me something, please conquer the fear. I may do a “mom” moment and freak out but after the freak out you know I’ll be wanting to give you a hug and find a way forward. Now son, do you have any children? No? Awesome! Do you owe thousands to creepy thugs named Guido? No? Awesome! Are you married to a girl you met on the internet who begged for help with her Green card? No? Awesome!” By being a bit silly, you can also make it clear that his sins are not Earth stopping. You two can get past this. </p>

<p>I would NOT make him come home like a spanked little boy. Find a path forward where he’s a reasonable (and imperfect) man.</p>

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<p>You may need legal advice about breaking the apt contract. At least, an adult needs to read it. Sometimes, there is a two month penalty or a “buyout” possibility. You may also be able to use his injuries to show he was not able to responsibly enter into this rental agreement. There could be someone at the school who can advise- perhaps someone in the provosts’s office (Dean of Students) can suggest. I suspect trying to have him sublet could be beyond his experience and distracting. Also, after age 18, he can sign a release that allows med staff to speak with you. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Signorina – you realize that concussions can cause frontal lobe damage, which controls impulsivity? Is this a new behavior, or has he always been a sort of “act first, think later” kind of guy?</p>

<p>I feel for you. I think you have to figure out what path will be best for your son. The tough love approach may work; it wouldn’t with my children. I’m wondering if you should act as if you trust him and believe what he’s telling you, while still putting in place specific measures (coming home for a semester; monitoring his physical healthy very closely; discussing what led to the poor grades and maybe taking a less rigorous schedule), but deliver this new program with love and concern for your child’s well being and future. Yes, it sounds like he hasn’t been an angel, but you want to maintain your hold on him and your ability to change the outcome, which in my mind, can only happen with a firm but loving approach.</p>

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<p>In an earlier post, I suggested going to the disability office, and maybe even trying to get previous grades wiped out due to the brain injury. Another possibiilty is a reduced courseload. </p>

<p>Concussion effects can last a really long time (I had acute symptoms for 5 months and am still dealing with some effects 3 years later.)</p>

<p>The mom might try to get the son to verbalize what he thinks are post-concussive symptoms. And find a doctor who is expert in this area. Many, many docs do not know that much about it and some are even suspicious, since disability claims and even lawsuits often are in dispute with concussions. Don’t take the word of a local neurologist or other MD.</p>

<p>This son sounds hard-working and a little confused. His work hours this summer were impressive. I can see how he got himself into the apt. situation, since his friend lost his previous roommate and probably asked, and, without knowing he could not get out of the housing contract, he needs help to get extricated.</p>

<p>Finally, I think the mom might benefit from some counseling herself, to help set up a more trusting relationship with her son. For one thing, she sounds frightened of him (tantrums). Most importantly, the snooping has to stop, and the drug testing (he is over 18 now, right, anyway. so maybe that is no longer relevant). Maybe the son could change his e-mail password.</p>

<p>I think the son might change his approach to life if explicitly told that the parents now intend to trust him.</p>

<p>I don’t know many kids who don’t experiment with alcohol and/or marijuana, honestly. I think drug testing and making assumptions about character based on that kind of thing is misguided, honestly, though it is obviously based on love and worry. The kids tend to work their way through it on their own.</p>

<p>But most importantly, I think the concussion and trauma should be dealt with and the son and parents should present documentation to the school from an MD who knows about this area of neurology.</p>

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<p>Your post #25 explains a lot. He may have been pressured by friend to sign the apt. lease with short notice and he probably assumed he could be reimbursed for dorm without checking into it. He made some independent decisions and made mistakes along the way, which he was surely not proud of. He also had a heavy course load (skipping prereqs) and a concussion. It’s a difficult situation and I hope he can work through it with your support. I agree the school should be notified, if they have not been already, of the injury and it should continue to be monitored. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Signorina, I am not a parent, I am in college. I understand you are going through alot but perhaps you should put your foot down, talk to him more, and tell him that he needs to discuss things with you before he makes big descisons(can’t spell that word,sorry) Some people take a while to mature, I’m not saying he isn’t completely but look at what he does. He needs his mother, you need to take control. Of course at first he will rebel and probably be angry but later he will understand just keep talking and explaining things to him. Of course don’t center every conversation around his mistakes because he might feel like your not really communicating with him.</p>