Devastated

Parents Forum
1

<p>Our S has been set on our pitifully ranked state school for a while. He was accepted early action in October. We think it is to stay with his girlfriend (who the family has had just about enough of, having exposed our S to alcohol and aptly known as the harlotte of his high school). We have always pushed our S for the very best (probably too much, causing this rebellion) but he has a 4.0 GPA, 35 ACT, 2340 SAT, exceptional ECs, teachers adore him, state champ in water polo AND Science Olympiad (how often do you see that??), truly IVY LEAGUE MATERIAL. He told us he was not interested in going to any other school than state but we told him we absolutely refuse to pay for it if he does not apply to other schools, particularly the Ivies that we know he is meant for, JUST TO SEE. We think his opinion about what's what would change if he saw that fat envelope from Yale. He assured us that he has been completing his applications for four schools (Yale, MIT, Stanford, Dartmouth). Well, today, with ONE DAY left in the deadline told us he hasn't even started and has no intention of doing so. He and his girlfriend have saved up for the tuition (state is pretty darn cheap), he doesn't want our help, and he's already SUBMITTED the deposit!! </p>

<p>We are shocked and absolutely devastated. What's going to happen when things go sour with him and his hussy girlfriend and he ends up working at a miserable, low-end job, seeing friends infinitely less talented than him having successful careers? My husband is considering using the essay he used for the state school (a really beautiful piece of writing) and applying to some top tier schools that do not require supplements (Dartmouth, Vanderbilt, Washington University) in his name. Does anyone have any suggestions of other GOOD schools with no supplements or more importantly, what we can say to our S to change his mind? We are truly desperate!</p>

<p>Happy New Year, CC. I don't think ours will be quite so cheerful this year...</p>

<p>EDIT: Dartmouth has that darn peer recommendation so scratch that. Sigh...</p>

2

<p>First, we feel your pain.</p>

<p>Second, there is nothing more you can say, do or threaten your son to make him change his mind. He lied to and manipulated you by saying he was applying when in fact he was not. That shows he is still quite immature. He wouldn't say that - he would likely say how mature and responsible he is for saving up the money to pay for his own schooling - but the fact that he was not direct with you shows he is not. </p>

<p>Third, if you root around here in CC you will see many threads talking about alternative routes to an exceptional education. Many of them address going the community college or lesser state school route for financial reasons, and then transferring. Although not for these same financial reasons, your son may end up taking a similar path. In the big picture of his life, it may well work out just fine. </p>

<p>Fourth, I recommend you stop berating him to make him change his mind. The person he is has been set for some time. In many respects your work is done. You have to trust that when his hormones return to balance, or when she cheats on him, or tires of him, or whatever, then he will return to his previous path. Or maybe not the previous path, but at least one that is positive in your eyes. </p>

<p>Fifth, I would keep the money aside that you were intending to spend on his college education. I would not use it as a threat, or as a bribe, or anything else. Just have it there in case. </p>

<p>Sixth, it could be worse. He could be dropping out completely. If he is as exceptional as you say, it is likely that he will be the cream at the top there, will be noticed by professors and peers, and will stand out. He will likely be pushed onward by these same professors and peers, which he will likely accept more openly than from his pressuring parents (sorry, that's the description you gave so I am using it here). </p>

<p>Seventh, pray she doesn't get pregnant. </p>

<p>Good luck...</p>

3

<p>Wow. I saw that completely different. The parents have been calling his girlfriend names, claiming she "exposed him to alcohol" as if the poor son has no responsibility and trying to dictate where he should go to school by withholding funds. IMHO the son does show maturity by making his own decision and saving up the money for what he wants. </p>

<p>He sounds like a bright, hardworking kid and going to a State school is not the end of the world. Let go.</p>

4

<p>He is going to college. Give it a rest. Do what you can to support him in earning his bachelor's degree. (He can shine and be a tip-top, award-winning student at his state college. If the state college is really not his cup of tea, he can transfer to a better school after a year or two. Certainly he can go to Harvard for grad school.)</p>

<p>Trying to push him away from his girlfriend may well have the opposite effect, bringing them closer together in a "you and me against the world" way. Quietly tolerate her. If she is not right for him, he will realize this when he is away at college. (And if she is a great person deep down, right for him and you just can't see it now, your attitude toward her now may limit your access to your grandchildren a dozen years from now.) Read back over what you wrote.</p>

5

<p>Agree with above poster. You are going to have to let this one go. Not to be dramatic but yesterday there was a post about a young man hanging himself. Put this in perspective. He is letting you know his decision is made. There isn't much you can do about it particularly if he doesn't need the money from you.<br>
What you can do is put your feelings aside and be there for him. You may find around November of next year he really needs you, that's about the time these couples start to break up.<br>
In the meantime, I would definiitely speak to him about birth control.</p>

6

<p>Nifty, I'm sorry -- but you are the stereotypical "Ivy or Bust" parent that gives a lot of us the heeby jeebies. You played hardball with your son and he called your bluff, and has shown that he is quite able to get on with his life (and make his own mistakes, if this is what that ends up being) without you. It is time for you to step up, apologize, and try to mend your relationship.</p>

7

<p>IMHO , this ship has sailed. I'm sorry your S felt the need to lie to you about something so important. I'd put my effort into mending that relationship. Actions have consequences . For both of you. Accept your share of the responsibility or lose this battle AND the vastly more important war.</p>

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<p>OT: lderochi, nice to "see" you. ;) We are (as usual) thinking alike.</p>

<p>OT again : I posted AFTER ebee. This Twilight Zone stuff time stamp/"placement of post" stuff is messing with my head.</p>

9

<p>I sense a troll.......</p>

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<p>Just to clarify:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>We're not Ivy zealots. Not to offend any parents whose children are attending publics, there are some definitely great ones that offer top notch educations. The one our S has decided up on is NOT a great, good, or even decent school. It just seems like a terrible waste when his credentials FIT the cream of the crop schools (which just happen to be the Ivies). I'm not saying he would've been a guaranteed accept but his chances were high. His guidance counselor gushed that if he didn't get into an Ivy from his high school, no one would.</p></li>
<li><p>Reading back, it may not have been appropriate to insult his girlfriend but if only you knew what she had put this family through. I'm not going to go into every detail but after picking my son up from our home completely intoxicated and getting a DUI 5 minutes later after running a red light at the intersection a block from our home, getting caught with marijuana at my son's football game and getting her name published in the police blotters of our local newspapers for all our friends and neighbors to see, showing up to family dinners dressed like a callgirl, just to name a few, our opinion of her is not high. She is not a good person. We don't know how to make our S see he's throwing away his life for someone not worthy of his time!</p></li>
<li><p>We didn't mean we would not pay for state school altogether. We just meant we would not pay if he didn't at least open a few options for himself in case things don't work out. He refused to be even a little reasonable or cut the people who have supported him all these years any lack, he lied, and he's pretty much on the verge of creating so much havoc and grief. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding but my husband has just told him that if he follows this path that in nine months when he realizes he made a huge mistake, we won't be there to help, financially or otherwise. I'll always be there morally but my husband is not one to go back on his word. He's a very, VERY stubborn man and completely in control of our finances. My husband feels incredibly betrayed (I do, as well, but I think he feels it on a much greater level). I feel stuck! My son isn't going to have a way out of this!</p></li>
<li><p>After writing all this, I'm starting to see there's probably no solution and there's nothing I can do at this point to stop everything that's happening as my son has said he will write letters taking out his application to any colleges my husband may have sent his forms to. So I guess this is it. I can't help but feel helpless and very grief-stricken.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>MoWC -- I'm thinking more about it, and I agree. Hmm. A convenient thread started by a "first time" poster that seems to confirm what a poster on another thread has said -- that parents like the OP are all over this board. </p>

<p>Man, I'm not sure that even I can untangle the sentence I just wrote! </p>

<p>Hiya Curmudgeon!</p>

12

<p>
[quote]
I'm not saying he would've been a guaranteed accept but his chances were high

[/quote]

No, they weren't. They were very, very competitive, but they weren't "high".</p>

13

<p>And no, I'm not a "troll" although I do wish all this was just story.</p>

14

<p>Be glad that college is what he wants to do. Don't worry so much about the girl friend. The more you resist that, the tighter they'll get. If it is meant to be, it will last. If not, it will fizzle. My bet is on the latter and she'll end up disappointing him so much either over the summer or during the first semester.</p>

<p>There is always, always the ability to transfer. He is a hard worker and there is nothing to say he won't see the light. Leave the option open and never ever be the kind of person who says, I told you so. Because if you are, he won't ever want to admit he was wrong. He is doing what HE wants to do and you should be glad he is motivated to live his own life.</p>

<p>And if the school is not academically challenging, I can't imagine his wanting to stay there. My S would be bored silly and then add people who slow it all down, he'd be out of there after a semester.</p>

15

<p>Nifty, what you do now will set the stage for how the three of you interact for the next 20+ years. So believe me when I tell you that where he goes to college is the least of your problems.</p>

<p>I'm sure you have adult friends who have no relationship with their parents. You might have a co-worker who discovered a week after the funeral that a parent had died, from a well-meaning neighbor who took the time to do the detective work. You may wonder, "how does a person become so estranged from their parents that the neighbors can't even find them to let them know about a funeral?"</p>

<p>Well, this is how. Dial it back a couple of notches unless you want to cause serious damage to your relationship with your son.</p>

<p>I think the GF sounds terrible, I think the college planning or lack thereof sounds sub-optimal, and I think the lack of communication, threatening, etc. among the three of you sounds terrible as well. However- none of this is tragic, none of this is permanent, none of this will have lasting consequences unless you all drive this drama into high gear.</p>

<p>So- bite your tongue, congratulate your son on his college acceptance and take him out for an ice cream to celebrate his launching into adulthood, and then sit back, shut up, and be supportive when you need to be. He either makes a success of this college, or he decides he's made a terrible mistake; either way, he needs you to be his parents. Either this girl is his one and only and the future mother of the grandchildren you hope to have a loving relationship with... or she's a temporary fling, gone by springtime. Either way- keep your mouth shut.</p>

<p>If your son excels at this college and is able to pay his own way, you can take pride in having launched a kid who is independent at 18 when most kids are still living off Mom and Dad into their 20's. If he decides it's a poor fit and wants to transfer to Dartmouth next year- he'll need you for both moral support and financial.</p>

<p>So zip it up before you help him decide that you are both too controlling and judgemental for him to have to deal with at this point in his life.</p>

16

<p>Assuming the OP isn't a troll, I guess I can see where she's coming from. The easiest thing to do is let your son go to that school and hope he does really well his first semester. If they break up (I'd bet they do) he'll probably be looking to transfer. He can then apply to a whole slew of schools and probably has a fair chance at many good ones. That'll save you 50k tuition and he'll still have a shot at that pretty diploma. </p>

<p>It's probably better he didn't apply to those schools anyway. If he was mature enough to lie and not apply, he was probably also mature enough to submit horrible applications with really bad essays had he gone through with it. One of my friends was pressured to apply to a college by his parents when he was a senior. He did not want to go and wrote a pretty risky essay that helped him get rejected. When he started college and realized what he really wanted from undergrad, he decided one of the schools he wanted to transfer to was the college his parents pushed on him. Sadly, he was rejected and feels that his really poor application from high school was a part of the adcom's decision</p>

17

<p>I would let it go also, would zip it, but no financial support from me, maybe the girlfriend could support him.</p>

18

<p>It sounds like family counseling could be helpful.</p>

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<p>Nifty,</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you and your husband. It's heart-wrenching when you can see the trainwreck coming but feel helpless to stop it. No shame in wanting our children to have the best. Love can really make us (and them) crazy.</p>

<p>Luckily, there may be some silver linings here. Your standout son will undoubtedly continue to shine at State U. If the relationship fails and he comes to his senses, he may be able to transfer to an ivy or other school of his choice. Or, he may rule the roost in the local pond and clinch huge opportunties for grad school or internships. Also, if I can extrapolate from your post that girlfriend has also been accepted to, and plans to attend, State U - she may not be the lost cause you suspect. Whatever problems have caused her to "act out" in high school may resolve themselves with maturation, and she may surprise you one day.</p>

<p>At any rate, best of luck. You'll be in my prayers.</p>

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<p>The girlfriend must quite the looker. And she's got pot? How did your son get so lucky?</p>