very sad mom

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi I am very very sad. We had a battle at our house about what college our son would go to and I lost, Dad won. Dad won the battle but lost the war...Our son has great stats (SAT 2070, uw GPA 3.94, lots of AP's all with 5s, lots of extracurriculars). His sister a few years back had sucky stats (1000 SAT, 3.45 GPA no AP, moderately heavy load) and only applied to a few colleges. She was accepted on a probationary status at a small private college and we had her go there because it was that, community college or a commuter college in an urban setting where she would not fit in. We paid full boat for private school. </p>

<p>I was very excited for son. We did a local college tour, east coast tour (we are from west coast), and also went to a major midwestern U and a college in southern california known for rich kids going there.<br>
He was waitlisted at major midwestern U, turned down at eastcoast major U, accepted at southern rich school with no aid, accepted at local state U (very good reputation but very very big), accepted at another local LAC which has a great reputation, another LAC (not quite as good a reputation but pretty good, and gave a scholarship), and the private university where my daughter goes, also with an academic scholarship. </p>

<p>Son wanted us to pay full boat at southern calif rich school, but husband didn't want to because he didn't think it was worth the money and its reputation academically is as good as the other schools listed above where he got aid and the local State U which is very good. We didn't pay full boat, although I wanted to, and son chose small university of those remaining, which doesn't have a great academic reputation. </p>

<p>He is now withdrawn. He has just bought Grand Theft Auto and is sitting in rec room playing it by himself. I am afraid he will withdraw, and get depressed and sad because he feels we did not support him for his hard work as we did his sister. Help, I am very, very sad.</p>

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<p>what the heck is this? are you actually someone's mother?</p>

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<p>Is it USC vs. state university? If this is true then your husband is right. What's wrong with very big when it has very good reputation?</p>

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<p>
[quote]
son chose small university of those remaining, which doesn't have a great academic reputation.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Honestly we could console you more if you said the name of the school chosen. It's possible you're underestimating the reputation of the school you've just chosen.</p>

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<p>He is right. If you paid for his sister's full boat at private then you should pay for him, too.</p>

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<p>yep we need more info to help you to feel better!</p>

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<p>Chosen school: Pacific Lutheran U in Washington. State U: U of W. Rich California School: Pepperdine Small LAC Whitman, LAC with scholarship: Willamette U</p>

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<p>I do not believe this person is a troll. Sometimes a regular member, when having a personal dilemma that they don't want to have associated with their regular name, may post the dilemma as a "one time only" under another name. I have a feeling that may be the case. </p>

<p>In my honest opinion, and it is just my personal viewpoint and doesn't mean others should believe what I do, I think parents should not let their kids apply to colleges and then be admitted and then later tell them that they can't attend. It is important that if you have some parameters, to use them at the point of application. The one exception would be if you make it clear to the child that you only can spend X amount and you are willing to let him apply to Y college that costs more with the understanding that he could only go if he received merit aid of a certain amount. Then, the student could decide if he wanted to risk an acceptance to a school he might not be able to attend. </p>

<p>So, you let him apply and are now pulling the plug. Or did you tell him when he applied that he might not be able to go there if the aid package was not good enough?</p>

<p>I also think parents should do equally for their kids. You paid full freight at your D's school and not your S's. </p>

<p>It could be that the U he is going to is just as good as the school he really wants and so that truly may not be of issue (even though you seem concerned about "reputation"). But my concern would be that this is not a school he is enthused about and he actually GOT INTO one he really wanted to attend. On the other hand, I have to assume he liked the school he will attend enough to have applied in the first place. For me, I would have GREAT difficulty not letting my kid attend a school he/she got into. Again, I could see an exception to that if it was laid out way in advance that only X number of dollars would be made available and if he got into a school that cost more without the requisite aid, he would not be allowed to attend and to think about that before applying. I have a child who just got into six professional grad schools and she was offered quite a lot of scholarship from all but one....the one she will attend, which was the one she felt fit her best. I could not NOT let her go once she got in, as I would not have allowed her to apply in the first place if I knew we may not let her go. </p>

<p>I do believe your son will be fine at the school he'll be going to. But again, the issue is more a personal one and how he may feel that you let him apply but now he can't go and that you also paid full freight for his sister (who actually was not as good of a student no less).</p>

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<p>Difference in cost at PLU and Pepperdine is 70-80K. We will save money from scholarship for graduate school (68K).</p>

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<p>I did not sit down with my husband initially and come up with a budget. On the other hand when we did the east coast schools, he didn't object. I should have been more clear with our son initially or we should have paid for Pepperdine. How to make amends?</p>

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<p>We have told him if he gets off the waitlist at midwestern U we will pay full boat. We tried to have him hold off applying at pepperdine as we did not see it as worth the extra money, where the large midwestern U would be reputationally. The school where his sister goes is a lot less expensive the Pepperdine. PLU is approx 120 K for 4 years, Pepperdine is 200K.</p>

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<p>At this point, I don't have a lot of advice. I am just offering my own opinions/values as a parent. You allowed him to apply to Pepperdine. Were you not going to allow him to attend unless he got good aid? In other words, under what circumstances was he allowed to attend Pepperdine? Any? If not, don't let him apply and get in and then say no, you can't go. </p>

<p>I also can't relate to how one school is "worth" more money to attend due to reputation than another. I personallly would spend the same no matter which school my kid went to. I don't put more value or worth on a better ranked school. I only want them to attend the one they like the best and that they feel fits them the best. We gave NO opinion or preference to our kids as to which school they should pick or could pick among their acceptances. So, that's where i am coming from but it doesn't matter if others approach it differently. I have trouble reconciling that you DO have the money and are willing to send son to midwestern U if he gets off the wait list because that school's reputation is worth the money to you but Pepperdine is not (not sure the message that gives to the child) and so in the end, he'll go to Pacific Lutheran and I don't get it if you care about reputation so much....he had the opportunity to go to a school that is more well known (not that it matters to me but on the one hand, reputation seems important to you), but is not allowed to attend.</p>

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<p>I have the same question as Soozievt has. When your S applied to Pepperdine, did you and your H put any limitations on it such as saying that you'd pay a certain dollar amount, and he'd need to raise the rest through merit aid, loans, etc.?</p>

<p>If not, I don't understand why you would have let him apply to a school that you weren't willing to pay for, and I think your S has reason to be angry and hurt.</p>

<p>If you and your H are willing to reconsider, it's probably not too late for your S to ask Pepperdine if he can accept them instead of rejecting them.</p>

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<p>To go to the midwest U would be a large sacrifice, but one we are willing to make because of the value. He decided on his own to apply to Pepperdine and I tried to discourage him. My husband always had the position that if he got into an expensive school, he would have to have scholarships, and I did tell him earlier if he did get in his budget was 120K.</p>

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<p>Then, he may be upset, but it's not your fault. He's learning a tough lesson -- that he can't always get what he wants -- but it's a lesson that everyone has to learn. Where i think you went wrong was supporting your S over your H after both you and your H had made it clear that the budget was $120 k. It wasn't right for you to go back on your word, which is something that gave your S false hope. It also wasn't right to act like your husband was wrong to stand by what he said in the beginning.</p>

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<p>Perhaps we should have sat him down together and said here is your budget. You decide. As it is he is angry. I can't say I blame him.</p>

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<p>Thankyou for all your responses. This has been very difficult. A lot of mixed communication and lack of clarity.</p>

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<p>To the OP, we had a similar scenario (including Pepperdine !), with the same caveats and "values". I can only add we were fortunate that she got into and wanted the school we were willing to pay for. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way for you.</p>

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<p>"Perhaps we should have sat him down together and said here is your budget. You decide. As it is he is angry. I can't say I blame him."</p>

<p>From what you've posted, I gather that you had told your S that he had a budget of $120 k, and your H had told him that if he got into an expensive school, he'd need to have scholarships. Your S also applied to Pepperdine without your approval.</p>

<p>He didn't get the scholarships needed to bring Pepperdine's costs to $120 k, so he may be disappointed, but if I'm understanding correctly, it's not your fault. Apparently, your S took the risk that if he got in, you and your husband would pay regardless of the cost, and that risk didn't pay off for him.</p>

<p>He also appears to have applied to match and safety schools that he didn't particularly like. So, if I'm understanding his situation correctly, while he's angry, he got himself into this disappointing situation.</p>

<p>The only part that I disagree with is your trying to convince your H to pay for Pepperdine when your S applied to the college against your wishes, and your H had told your S that he'd need scholarship money to be able to attend an expensive school.</p>

<p>I am wondering if your S had had previous experiences with having you go against your husband to support S even when S hadn't followed the rules. If that's been the case, S probably figured that you'd pressure his dad to pay for Pepperdine even though the costs were outside the guidelines originally set by you and your H.</p>

<p>When parents don't show a united front, offspring find ways of playing one off against the other.</p>

<p>And has your S offered to do anything himself to fund the gap between what you're willing to pay and what Pepperdine's costs are? If he hadn't been applying for more scholarships, offering to take out loans, work, etc., then it seems that he thinks that you and your H should be the only ones sacrificing to pay for your S's dreams. It's your S's life. He hasn't been doing you a favor by getting the grades to get into Pepperdine. He has been doing what he can to make the life he wants. You don't owe him Pepperdine because he got good grades. If he believes in his own dreams, instead of sulking, he'd be searching for ways to fund them.</p>

<p>You and your H are offering to do a lot by paying for your S's education at any college. He could choose to be grateful, not angry and bitter.</p>

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<p>Are you a psychologist Northstar? That is an accurate read, and this scenario has been going on a long time. Usually husband is more conservative and restrictive and I am more relaxed and less restrictive, such as in letting son get a driver's license, allowing him to drive farther and farther away, etc. I think the 2 of us need counseling. I think son will be fine. Thank you very much for your insight.</p>