I am just an African American father who has almost finished the journey of my 2 high stats URM children getting to college (college freshman daughter with 3.96 UW GPA /1470 SAT in hs and hs junior son with ~3.8 UW GPA/35 ACT) and I wanted to share my family’s path. My kids are smart kids, but they are definitely not geniuses and I see similar URM kids who fall through the cracks. My family does have some means (Top 20% of SES), but we were not always that way as my wife and I married at 23 and had our kids right before our 24th and 26th birthdays. Here are the 11 things that have mattered most for us.
We figured out where we wanted our kids to go to school (over a 9 month period) by looking at things such as demographics, test scores, parent reviews, and taking tours where possible. We bought our 1st home right before our oldest started kindergarten. I sacrificed a promotion earlier in my career to stay in what I consider to be an one of a kind school district (which I have never regretted). My wife became a teacher so she could have the same schedule (especially summers) instead of following her initial dream (PhD programs in Chemistry)
Early encouragement of Reading, the arts (playing instruments like the piano), extracurricular (boy scouts, girl scouts, and sports) and language (both took Spanish outside of school for at least 3 years). Our Family helped us with costs at times due to our financial constraints, especially in those early years.
Early expectations (By age 5, communication to both that we would spare no expense to support their ambitions but they would have to put in work and that we expected higher education to be the price of an in-state education or that they would be in-state for college).
Advocate for them when necessary (Son's 1st grade teacher was not going to test him for gifted program (he was and still is very quiet and he is black) so my wife went over her head (she knew the system being a teacher) and my son easily tested in to the gifted program. That is one example and there are others so be ready to fight for your kids.
We put them in things that they wanted to do, but were terrible at which I believe taught them to work for some things. Also included in that were some school struggles. Daughter was in the highest math pod in 6th grade and struggled (not even one A in 6th grade on any math test that entire year and struggled to get a B overall in the class). We worked with her and saw her note taking was bad as she had all of the info written down but we could not find what she needed easily and we worked with her. Some of the kids dropped out of that class but we let her work through those struggles and she started doing well in math again by the end of 1st semester 7th grade.
Early views of Standardized testing for college since most scholarships today seem to tie GPA/Standardized test scores together. (Both started taking the PSAT since 8th grade and really understand the format of the SAT because of that test). They would have both taken that test 4 times along with practice PSATs and SATs at home with us to go over testing strategy and to review missed questions. We have spread out the work over the years so we did not burn them out.
My kids took a class on the entire college process (1 meeting a month over a 8 month period for 3 hours) that explained the entire college process from FASFA/financial aid/scholarships, to essay writing for applications,and talked about when and why certain things needed to be done. It showed how to research colleges (size, demographics, strength in field of interest etc.) and what to look for and ask when visiting schools. (This was one of the most important things we ever did as it gave our kids insight into how expensive and complicated the full admissions/financial aid process is). Our kids developed most of her own college list from going to that class and researched the institutional merit scholarships that each of her schools offered. The class also helped our children develop an “elevator pitch” (what she would say to the CEO of a company if she were riding in an elevator and needed a job) which has already come in handy for interviews.
Visit different types of colleges and universities if possible and view online virtual tours if it isn't possible.
Summer Programs. This is where resources can help a lot as some summer programs can get expensive, but they give a window into the college world. My daughter grew so much in the 3 weeks she was away at a summer program and being voted the most likely to succeed by her peers showed her that she could compete at a high level. She came back a more mature student who will not be shocked or afraid of any college work (They worked those kids).
Church Family. Our church has played a big part in my kid's maturation. I don’t think either would have made it to the point they are currently at without our Church Family.
We have shared a family history of struggle/sacrifice/heartache/achievement from our ancestors. People have given there lives to help them have the opportunities that are in front of them today. It makes it much harder for them to squander their talents or not put in their best efforts if they understood the price that was paid for those opportunities.
I have seen other parents who have amazing kids (of all races) and I am always curious about the journey. My wife and I have made many mistakes, but we have had a village of people helping our children and cheering them on (included the CC family). I hope others share things that have helped as I would one day love to get rid of the underrepresented minority moniker.
@changethegame. This is very inspirational. Your suggestions apply to everyone. I don’t meet the urm criteria being white /Jewish but I didn’t come from any means back in the day. I am 57. Divorced mother with 4 kids and we did the public aid and food stamps thing during my childhood. My mother would cry whenever she needed to use the food stamps but we also needed to eat. She worked 15 hours day including Sundays and I started working at 9 sweeping floors and making 25 cents /hours. That was pretty good money for candy for a 9 year old… Lol…
But one thing she instilled is what you are saying… Set goals /expectations and go for them. It was never a question that I was going to college. It was never a question that I could be a doctor /lawyer /accountant or some type of professional. (I am a surgeon /doctor). It was never a question of being successful.
We have been involved parents and have done just about everything you have on your list from 1-11. I think being involved as you and your wife are is the key to the children’s success. I read about so many URM 's on CC that don’t have that and it breaks my heart. Also being an involved father is more important then you might think. I applaud you and your family!
You and your wife have done a great job with your children! I love hearing about what others have done to help their children on the path to success. Thanks for sharing!
@Knowsstuff You are right that those suggestions could work for anyone. I have learned so much from watching people in my very diverse neighborhood when it comes to trying to support their kids. One thing that I think most people leave out is stories from one’s family history. Your story of your mother and family overcoming hardships in your youth can inspire a complete stranger, so I can imagine the pride your kids feel to know they are the next chapter in that amazing story of perseverance and love.
I commend you for taking such good care of your children. Its a real pleasure to read about your success, glad to see that you can share with everyone here. Please keep posting more of the details, it was very interesting to read.
@emptynesteryet I bet you are probably selling yourself short. My own mom worked 2 jobs for most of my childhood so I didn’t see her as often as I would have liked (sometimes would go an entire school week without seeing her), but just knowing the sacrifices she made for my benefit gave me as much if not more than what my wife and I could provide our children. I saw her work ethic, and I saw her toughness everyday. Our ultimate goal as parents is to do our best, and hopefully our failures as parents will be overcome by the perseverance we try to instill in our kids.
@hebegebe You are one of the CC posters who has always been kind and full of wisdom sharing. Thank you my friend.
But while you may think that you have seen ‘similar kids fall thru the cracks’, I wonder how similar they really are? A 1470 & 35 is upper echelon. In particular, the 35 is rare for all races and extremely rare for an AA male; that number alone will open many doors and when combined with excellent grades… It doesn’t much matter when most start test prep (your point #6) since most kids will never be able to achieve a 35 regardless of how much time they practice. (Hint: it requires good parental genes!)
Work harder... Both my wife and I have instilled this in our kids. Someone might be smarter but no one should work harder then you. It has already paid dividends for both by kids. Everyone from employers to Co workers will notice. This can be in the classroom or in sports etc. Sorta like work ethic..
Bet on yourself.. This was a little tough for them to absorb. Bet on yourself is like trust yourself. Take chances. Go outside the box. Go outside your comfort zone. Whether this is writing the essay or making a college decision if you bet on yourself you will never go wrong. Both of my college kids have really reaped the awards of this concept.
Don't listen to people that say you can't. Change that to I can. Don't listen to negativity.
15 Don’t be afraid to ask questions and admit that you don’t know… That’s how we all learn.
Be early. Anyone can be on time but coming early to a job interview, sports, etc people that matter will notice. Opportunities can come to those that come early. Again, both kids have taken advantage of opportunities just for being early to something.
Be a leader. This goes with be early. My son was always early to sports practice since I was taking him or my daughter to dance /acting lessons. Both were made leaders or counted on to do things others were not since the coaches viewed them as responsible and someone they could count on. The kids that were always late were never viewed that way. Same in real life.
@changethegame not sure if this is what you wanted but just wanted to add my 2 cents to your already great list. Everything you did is pretty much what we did also.
@bluebayou When I was talking about similar kids, I mean that I think they could have done a lot of the same things if they were in a similar environment as my kids from an early age. Maybe that isn’t true, but one kid in particular would pick up new math concepts with me at an astonishing rate. But that student was not putting in any effort at school. That kid will probably score a 25 or 26 on the ACT. But I will always wonder what could have been. I just hopes the “light bulb” turns on before it is too late. I have tutored kids with much better grades, but none with the raw brainpower he showed in our sessions.
@Nocreativity1 We wish we would have had a roadmap back then too. We were young and poor, but together.
I really don’t think this has as much to do with being a URM as it has to do with your ability to provide the things you did for your kids. And you followed through and did them…which is good parenting regardless of whether you are URM, upper or lower SES, or whatever.
Your kids had parents invested in education, and were in the position to provide the opportunities you outlined. Some folks just aren’t that fortunate, or can’t make the choices you made for good reasons.
And clearly, these were smart kids to begin with who could take those opportunities and run with them.
Nice job! Wondering about paying it forward…we have friends who have done Big Brother/Big Sister, for example. Or some other mentorship program.
@ChangeTheGame Just wanted to say that I enjoyed your post. #11 definitely resonated One of the things I found irritating as a URM at a prestigious university were the assumptions others made about me that completely disregarded my academic accomplishments. I hope that my high achieving son doesn’t run into the same narrow mindedness when he goes away to school next year.
@thumper1 It really has nothing to do with being an URM, but with the stats on URM outcomes, I wanted to share a positive outcome from an URM and what we did to get there. Giving back for all that my family has received is a base tenet in our household. I have been a mentor/tutor for about 10 years and my wife and I are looking into becoming foster parents once our son graduates from high school in 2020. I have seen enough URM families with some wealth accumulation whose children will one day live below the lifestyles of their parents to know things could have gone differently and still can (Life is funny in that way). I grew up in one of those households where the investment in education was almost impossible so I have seen both sides of that dynamic.
@ChangeTheGame You made my day!!!
I would also add to that list: Make sure that no one ever knocks you off the ladder of success, make sure you reach down and pull others up with you, keep climbing and never stop.
I loved your point about the sacrifices others in your family have made. My spouse has a sentence for that: Our expectation for you kids, is that you will do a little better than we did. And your kids will do a little better than you did. And so on.
@changethegame As a fellow African American father, thank you for shedding some positive light from a perspective that I think is in the minority on CC.
@4MyKidz#11 is very important in my household as my son had started to slack off for over a year in high school. I am not sure if he would have turned around without a talk from an older family member along with watching Tell Them We Are Watching (PBS documentary on the African American struggle to get educated from the end of Civil War to present day).
One of the things I found irritating as a URM at a prestigious university were the assumptions others made about me that completely disregarded my academic accomplishments. I hope that my high achieving son doesn’t run into the same narrow mindedness when he goes away to school next year.