Did anyone decide in the end that their child was NOT ready to go away to school?

Parents Forum
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<p>My son has taken the SAT twice, has visited 8 campuses, has a list of schools, has had his SAT scores sent to all of them, and has a good start on his app and one of his essays.</p>

<p>But in the back of my mind, I fear he may not be ready to leave home in a year. He has Asperger's Syndrome and is very disorganized, leading him to be a not very together student. If he can't mature quite a bit in a year, I really don't want to pay $30-40,000 for him to go away and get bad grades. I don't want him to feel like he is being punished, or threatened, but it's a reality.</p>

<p>Did anyone, in the end, decide that their child was NOT ready, and encourage him/her to either go to a community college or take a gap year?</p>

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<p>No personal experience, but I have a friend whose child with Asperger's was in what sounds like the same position as your son last year at this time. He applied to and was accepted by a number of colleges, including his first choice. He is taking a gap year, something that was planned from the start. He will start college a year from now. I know that one of his gap year activities is a program designed to improve the organizational skills of kids with Asperger's. Have you discussed the possibility of a gap year with your son? Is he willing to defer for a year? If so, there's no downside to applying. Come April, he can see where he's accepted and then take a gap year with the understanding he'll attend one of the schools that accepted him. Most colleges are amenable.</p>

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<p>My friend's son with Asperger's went away last year over her objections (dad wouldn't hear of a delay) and it was an unmitigated disaster. The school worked with the family because they were full-pay, but the boy ended the year with no passing grades and the cost for the year and special program were above 50,000. He also got into a lot of trouble because he felt frustrated and out of place. Was arrested for assault in a fight and will, needless to say, not be going back. They still have the debt and legal issues with which to contend. The boy was never in trouble in his life and graduated successfully with advanced Regents certification from a good, private school. He just wasn't ready to be away from home and simply couldn't handle it. He would have done well at one of the colleges (good ones, this is NYC) that are local because he needs a little of extra support and a lot of less distraction.</p>

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<p>My aspie son starts at the local CC next week. His (also aspie) friend from school started at a private about an hour from here last week. It will be interesting to see how it progresses during the year. </p>

<p>Staying at home also has its share of issues as well, as when they become "adults" (in the legal sense) in our son's case, the social misunderstandings in the school setting (FERPA releases don't ensure we know everything) and in the home (it is still our home and he hasn't figured out that it is still our rules and truly struggles with that concept) can create a very stressful situation for those around.</p>

<p>I would say a dormatory situation at a local (commutable) distance is probably the best of all worlds, so you have a fallback position, if the social situation is not right (living at home). Plus it is close enough for the (unfortunately) very necessary helicoptering.</p>

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<p>Did you think of having/letting your son go away? If so, what tipped the scales in favor of staying at home?</p>

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<p>A friend of ours with Aspberger's ended up going to a small branch of our state school. He lives in a dorm. It's about an hour (or less) from his home. He majoring in something he really likes, and it's a major that attracts kids who are similar to him -- quirky and not all that "smooth" socially! He's good at letting people know that he has Aspberger's and what that means. He's totally happy.</p>

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<p>If a son/daughter seems to have a fair risk of not doing (initially) well in college and the parent is not in a position to comfortably place 40K for a single year of college in that gamble - then think seriously about not sending the student away! I can see many scenarios where taking a less risky route and saving that money for school when the student is ready for transfer as the wisest choice. Sure - maybe the student will do great if sent straight to the expensive private school. But how many things in this world are worth a 40K gamble? </p>

<p>The costs of private colleges are ridiculous to begin with and too many families go far too deep into debt to make it happen. I think the more parents can start acting sensibly about these things, instead of feeling pressured by societal hype to get your kid into "the best school possible, no matter the cost" - the better off everyone will be. The pressure on other parents would lesson, and unrealistic pressure on the student would also lessen. Too often the idea that a student might miss out on some "golden opportunity ONLY found at expensive private XYZ college" has parents putting their family finances at risk. The student might miss out on some "golden opportunity" - but there are OTHER opportunities embedded at the local level/community college as well. I would argue that those who claim those "golden opportunities" are the types that would have found them no matter where they went to college AND they place too much emphasis on the connections. And any student who ends up struggling at the private school is going to miss out on them anyhow - so either way - I think there is a strong case for realistic look at local affordable colleges.</p>

<p>I have a daughter who has no issues like Asperger's and I knew by about 10th grade that we would encourage her to go to community college. She could have gotten into fair number of very good colleges. She just wasn't very motivated, didn't have any interest in going away for college, pretty blah on college major choices, etc.</p>

<p>She just finished her first year at community college, and it was the best decision we've ever made with her. Cost was negligible, she did well and her few stumbles were easily course corrected on her own. She still feels blah about college, but she is on the Dean's List and doing well overall in her classes. It is a far better place for her to be in community college vs. a gap year (for her) because I feel that she does have a sense of accomplishment and she's at least going forward on finishing her GE aspects of her college degree without all the pressure of being at some elite institution/away from home/student loans looming, etc. She gets another year or two to "figure stuff out" before having to to transfer.</p>

<p>So - be careful to match college plans with your child - not anyone else's child. For our family, this was a great route for our daughter. Our son, soon to be in the college search, is much more likely to go away for school. Different temperament, much more focused on academics, has at least one idea/passion he wants to pursue while in school. He's just starting at a whole different place than his older sister and thus our advice has been tailored to that.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>Thanks. Lots to think about.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Did you think of having/letting your son go away? If so, what tipped the scales in favor of staying at home?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>With our son, his basic struggles are 2 - recognizing the need for a regular schedule (both for physiological and social reasons) and behaving accordingly; and learning where social structures (authority chains) apply and where they should not be applied - very much the product of a black and white world view with an innate inability to see shades of gray.</p>

<p>His world works best when there are no questions about who is in charge of the various aspect of a daily/weekly schedule and his requirements are perfectly defined.</p>

<p>At least from my experience in a dormatory situation, the rules are few and randomly enforced - a recipie for disaster for my son who would be up in arms at the RA's door at 12:01 AM on school nights (given a rule for quiet hours) when the first after-hours disturbing the peace happened every night, not realizing that the RAs are not policemen with Judicial and executioner license, but more of an observer and advising mentor for the students who only get involved when behavior is spiraling out of control.</p>

<p>Granted, these are lessons of life (learning the vagueries of life) he will need to master to be successful in the employment world - he struggles with them working part time as a cashier in a grocery store - gets easily bent out of shape over little things and starts calling the union rep (very weak union too!) and is confused over why the letter of the rule is not enforced.</p>

<p>At some point, he will need to live in his own space where he alone is responsible for his well-being. However, the change to the less formal academic structure of college AND a change in living mode would be too much to handle at one time. Perhaps an efficiency apartment in a year or 2 (when he has adapted to the academic changes) would be in order. We can hope...</p>

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<p>annika, how did your daughter do socially while going to the community college? That's my worry.</p>

<p>My rising senior will most likely go to the community college. Just not ready to go away. Having seen neighbors' kids go away only to return for a sophomore year at the cc, I think it's better to start out there than to start out somewhere else and wind up there. (It's certainly cheaper!)</p>

<p>But it is tough to accept - I fought like mad to get to go to the state school rather than the cc!</p>

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<p>Our daughter has always been very social and makes friends where ever she goes. She knew two or three girls from her HS that went to the same community college and stuck close to them the first semester - but quickly made a whole host of new friends. I already knew before she went to community college that she'd be fine socially speaking.</p>

<p>I think a key to making friends at community college is to join activities and clubs. Since most/all will be commuter students, there is no dorm life to fall back on for friendships. Even with dorms, activities help. When I went to college, I made no lasting friendships with anyone in my dorm - my friends came primarily from the music groups I belonged to (choir, orchestra, etc). Any club works - honors, newspaper, religious, choirs or other music groups, sports, etc. The clubs are important because one is more likely to meet someone with similar interests, one is not stuck in a chair taking notes like in lecture, and yet there is enough "activity" to smooth over the awkward parts until friendships are formed.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>IMO part of the litmus test for whether students are ready to go away to school is how they handle the college app process. </p>

<p>If one has to do what I did with older S -- literally stand over him to make sure that he got apps into the schools that he said he wanted to go to -- then that's a big hint that your kid isn't yet mature enough or organized enough to do well away from home in college. After my S got virtually a full scholarship to a school he loved, he went there and flunked out because he loved to do his ECs, he loved his friends, he loved their sports teams and city, but he didn't bother to go to class.</p>

<p>Having learned that lesson, when it came to younger S, I left the applications in his hands to do. I had taken him around for a couple of years to see colleges, so he knew about the college app process. I also had made sure he'd taken the required tests for college.</p>

<p>This S, too, said he wanted to go to college, but the deadlines came and went for the colleges he said he wanted to go to, and somehow he hadn't submitted applications. He did -- on his own -- submit an application to Americorps, and get a position in our hometown. He said he wanted to live away from home, but when he saw how much apartments cost, he decided he'd live at home and pay rent (what H and I require of offspring who are no longer in school).</p>

<p>During his gap year, he matured a great deal, applied to two colleges, and decided to go to the one that he'd fallen in love with. He paid the app fees, sent his testing, etc, and did his applications completely on his own. Despite having ADD, which seemed to have caused major disorganization in h.s. despite his being very bright (He graduated with less than a 2.9 unweighted), he had a 3.3 average for his freshman year. He managed to work a job, be active in several interesting ECs, and he also had the maturity to cope with a difficult roommate. </p>

<p>He had to pay for his first year of college using loans, scholarships, etc. because he got major senioritis -- so bad that he almost didn't graduate. H and I had warned him that if that happened, he'd have to pay for his first year of college, and he'd have to get decent enough grades for us to feel that it would be a reasonable investment of our money to help with his future college expenses.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom - I concur. Even though our daughter "looked good on paper" in terms of HS grades and ECs, one of the factors that had us encouraging community college over 4-year colleges was her unwillingness or inability to handle the college application process. To that end, I did do some hand holding even in the community college application process, but only minimal (kick start the process). I was determined that if she couldn't complete the simple process of applying to community college and sign up for classes that I would even be okay with her taking the first semester off to work fulltime instead. It didn't get to that point.</p>

<p>My thought process was similar to yours. I thought if my daughter couldn't navigate the basic process of college applications - how on earth would she manage a full college curriculum and all the other official college administrative issues while being miles away from home? </p>

<p>I have the belief that our son will handle the college application process for a 4-year college... but we will wait and see!</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>Missypie - I agree with Northstarmom about looking at how you son handles the college application process. If he has a good start on the process that's a good sign, and if he's already started an essay, that's more than many seniors have done in August, and compiled the list of colleges himself, that IMHO shows some organization and initiative.</p>

<p>I don't know much about Asperger's, but many many teenagers are disorganized. It must be a challenge to sort out how much of his disorganization is due to that and how much is being a teenager. </p>

<p>Have you looked into the disability services offices of the colleges he'll be applying to? Some schools are a much better fit for students with disabilities than others. I've just started looking into this and it's amazing what is available. Look at some of the disability services websites. They might even arrange something like a private dorm room and help with planning his schedule and keeping on track academically.</p>

<p>Also there's a wide range in terms of dorms and social life. If he wants to avoid the party scene, some schools have honors and/or alcohol free dorms. A friend's son, who doesn't have any issues like Aspergers, chose an honors dorm because he has a merit scholarship and needs to maintain his GPA to keep it, so wants to avoid the party scene.</p>

<p>From what I've read, there's some overlap between the classic "nerd" and Aspergers. If your son is around others who share his interests, maybe have the same or similar majors, he could fit right in. There are people who have it who are very successful (there was an article a while back in Time or Newsweek that suggested Bill Gates could have it!) Good luck.</p>

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<p>While looking at how you handle the college application process can be telling, people might surprise you. I certainly surprised my parents (put all application stuff off til the very last minute, didn't even submit midyear reports for a lot of schools) but I'm happy and productive now a at a Tier 1 school getting straight A's. I matured. Your kid might too. Don't necessarily make it all doom and gloom, some of us do figure it out!</p>

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<p>Good luck w/your decision, missypie. </p>

<p>I wonder if that test of 'if they can't handle the college app process alone then they can't handle college' can be applied widely? I've been doing lots of research for son, presenting him w/colleges to consider w/strong programs in his major, organizing stuff & encouraging him to do essays.</p>

<p>Now thinking..maybe that was too much? But, I seem to see that other parents here do similar things...</p>

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<p>My S was very strange in his college apps. He took the exams, did some research, visited some Us, & STARTED many apps (including having me pay app fees). He completed TWO apps & trickled in bits for the others. He was accepted at both of the schools he turned in completed apps to with generous (1/2 tuition) merit scholarships but unsurprisingly not bythe schools who had to remind him to submit the bits of his apps.
I'm pleased to say that S is doing great in college and has matured considerably over the past two years.
D only submitted one app & it was for a very competitive school as a transfer student. To her & our surprise, she was accepted & will begin this January as a 2nd semester sophomore. We're happy for her & believe she will handle everything just fine. As an added bonus, her brother is there in case they need one another.</p>

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<p>Another thing to consider is whether your kid is being organized with their schoolwork without your help. Do you have to stay on them for them to do OK in school? Is your child someone who slacks off until finals?</p>

<p>I know that these things should be obvious, but since I overlooked this problem with older S, I figure I'll include it here in case other parents are as oblivious as I was.</p>

<p>Older S was someone who would almost always do his homework at the last minute, literally pulling it from the printer as he rushed to go to class. He would skip lots of homework assignments, and would salvage his grades by acing finals. </p>

<p>Senior year, he had some "D" fall quarter grades including in AP English despite having a 780 or so CR SAT. He hadn't bothered to do homework.</p>

<p>H and I set up a teacher conference, but S didn't bother to attend. He said he didn't realize he needed to be there! At the conference, H and I learned that when a teacher had chided him for not doing his homework, S -- who thanks to my organizing him so he got apps in early -- said, "I don't need to do homework. I've gotten into college."</p>

<p>He almost missed a final exam because he'd written down the time wrong. He only got there in time because the school called him to find out where he was.</p>

<p>I imagine that looking at this list of problems, some of you are wondering how I could have been so stupid to send S off to college. But, S had insisted he wanted to go to college, and he loved the place that he was going. And he did manage to graduate -- including with the IB diploma.</p>

<p>After watching him flunk out freshman year, I looked back and could see all of the red flags. If your student acts like mine did, don't make the mistake of sending them off to college right away. H and I did learn from our mistake, and as a result younger S -- who got even worse senioritis than his brother had -- did a gap year as an Americorps volunteer. He's a soph in college now, greatly appreciates his college experience (including the academic side), and his grades reflect that appreciation.</p>

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<p>I'm going to agree with Northstarmom here. My D was totally unmotivated thoughout the entire application process, didn't want to do any of it, went on a few visits and then balked. Everything we ever sent to any college went out the day before via Express Mail or day of via fax. She was 16 when the process started. She skipped a year of primary school. In hindsight I see a girl who was totally not ready for any of this, and her behavior was telling us that. We are paying the price after the fact, with strong ambivalence (still) about the school she chose, and we are supposed to leave on Wednesday.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I matured. Your kid might too.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think this maturation is what we all hope for. You're too hard on yourself, Northstarmom - things might have turned out all right.</p>

<p>Still, your benchmark of independent prep for college is one I'll heed.</p>

<p>My kid isn't all that enthused about retaking the ACT, but I might suggest taking it again in the spring of senior year, rather than the fall, since she's planning on the local CC.</p>