<p>I am leaving for college on Monday -- five days from now. I live with my mom and stepdad, who have been married for 10 years. My stepdad and I have had a very strained relationship at times. I respect him and do as he says, but he isn't my father. This causes strain because he is big into being authority figure. We also just have very different personalities and opinions, except that we are both strongwilled!</p>
<p>All this to say, when we were making my plans to go to college, I told my mom I didn't want my stepdad to come. I love him, but I felt like it should be a special time between my mom and I, since we are very close. Besides that, my stepdad gets very stressed out easily. Whenever we go on trips as a family, we have to leave at whatever time he says <em>to the second</em>, no joke, or he gets worked up. Chaotic situations get him agitated and he is just hard to be around. I thought that moving me in would be the ultimate in stressful for him and it would make us all stressed out.</p>
<p>When I told my mom this, she seemed a little disappointed but she knew where I was coming from and she understood. My stepdad and I never had an actual conversation about it - my mom told him and it has just been understood between us that he is staying home. It hasn't been that big of a deal because I have two younger brothers that will be starting school at the same time.</p>
<p>However, recently I have been feeling like I made the wrong choice. My stepdad is important in my life, and raised me for much of it. Also, I never really considered my mom in this. Will it be hard for her to go through taking her first child and only daughter to college all by herself? Not just emotionally, but logistically the day is pretty involved. </p>
<p>Its pretty much too late to invite him...but I am starting to experience extreme guilt and regret over this. Should I talk to him about it? I just don't know what to do or think! I want these last days at home to be as easy as possible, and I definitely don't want to end on a bad note with my stepdad.</p>
<p>Sorry this is so long - hopefully you will be able to offer some valuable insight.</p>
<p>I can see that it would be very stressful for you to go off to college while having a stepfather along who becomes very hard to be around when he's under stress. Consequently, I see why you made your decision not to have him go along with you.</p>
<p>I imagine, however, that since he has been your stepdad for 10 years, there's a good chance that you have hurt his feelings. One way to address this would be to do something special with your mom and stepdad before you go to college. Perhaps it could be something like a special dinner that you either cook for them or treat them to. During the dinner, you could tell both how much you appreciate their parenting, and you also could let your stepdad know that you didn't invite him to be with you when you go to college because you didn't want to stress him out. Doing this may alleviate any hurt feelings while also allowing you the space that you need to have a smooth transition to college as well as some extra quality time with your mom.</p>
<p>I also think it would be nice if you gave all of your parents, including your stepdad, some gift from the college. Attach a nice note to the one for your stepdad, and send it to him with your mom after she returns from taking you to college.</p>
<p>I too can understand why your initial feelings regarding your stepdad in relation to moving in/college had you wanting him to stay at home. Your more current feelings of regret and guilt are part of you growing up. As an adult you will come to recognize other adults' strengths and weaknesses as well as your own. You are acquainted with his limitations as well as what you wanted out of your college experience. And as you mature you also come to realize that you do not exist in a vacuum, but that your life touches so many of those around you.</p>
<p>Do you know how your stepdad feels about the situation? Maybe having a frank conversation with him about how he feels would be beneficial to you both. Maybe he would liked to be asked to go, but he too realizes he might impede the process. And there is no "perfect" college move-in day, it is what you make of it. You get to create your life and your reactions to it from now on.</p>
<p>I always tell my kiddos, "you only regret the things in life that you DIDN'T do", not the things you did. How you handle this situation really says more about you than your stepdad's ability to handle stress and chaotic circumstances. I encourage my children to be gracious and kind even if it is hard to do. That is where strength and character come in. And in the long run it will serve you well and you will be the biggest beneficiary.</p>
<p>I am not saying that you should try to please everyone. I am saying that kindness and a mature understanding of your family's feelings (stepdad,mom,sibs) would go a long way.</p>
<p>Good luck and have FUN moving in. Don't forget the duck tape and tool box.</p>
<p>Kat
(moved-in 3 kiddos, 1 more in 3 weeks!)</p>
<p>Since you say your mother knew where you were coming from, and understood, you shouldn't feel guilty for asking your mom only to take you.</p>
<p>It sounds like your stepfather may be disappointed not to come along, but also understands that this is the best way all around to have you leave for school.</p>
<p>P.S. Just read kat's reply, and I want to edit to add that: it is generous to excuse poor behavior and kind to include people despite such behavior. When it is your day, however (moving to college, getting married, whatever), I think it is perfectly appropriate to skirt what could well add more stress to an already stressful situation by going with what it is YOU want, even if it is not what the other person would prefer.</p>
<p>I agree with newmassdad. It's not too late, if you want to invite him. </p>
<p>You sound as if you thought out the original invitation to you mom carefully, but you're having second thoughts -- perfectly legitimate. A transition period like this is fraught with thoughts and second thoughts. </p>
<p>Sit down with him and explain your thinking. Although he may have been hurt to have not been asked, he may also have been somewhat relieved to escape the chaos (my dad was much the same way). Just knowing that you would welcome him if he chose to come may be enough. Or as newmassdad said, the gesture is the important part. </p>
<p>Good luck. (I'm the tense one in our family, so we are going to move-in well equipped with duct tape -- for my mouth if need be.)</p>
<p>I would talk to your Mom first. She and your stepdad have probably talked this over and she can tell you how he really feels. I wonder if he realizes how stressed he feels in tense situations and doesn't really mind not going. Also, with two younger brothers I'm guessing that they would like at least one parent home to get them off on the first days of school. I think a heartfelt note or a last night dinner out with the whole family would be a good compromise. I'm sure your younger brothers are going to miss you just as much (maybe more!) then your step-dad. </p>
<p>Your Mom probably will have a bit of a rough time after she drops you off, but I doubt it will be unbearable. The flip side is she might well be relieved knowing that she won't have to deal with stressed out husband on the day when she wants to focus on you. jmho</p>
<p>Even if it's too late, practically speaking, for your stepdad to come, you should still invite him. Since it's not logistically possible at this point for him to come, asking him to come will just be a symbolic sort of thing--it can serve as part of your apology to him. Mend your relationship with him. Please.</p>
<p>I'd let him stay home and take care of the younger kids--that is perfectly reasonable. Don't change your mind now. Don't feel guilty. If your mom didn't try to argue/get you to change your mind about your decision, she probably agrees with you. And your stepdad may not even want to come--especially if he's the type that gets stressed out on trips. He may not feel excluded at all (lots of men are not that sensitive about these things). It is nice to be considerate of him, but it is your day. You have a right to not have him around if he's going to get on your nerves.</p>
<p>don't hyperfocus on the drop off day which is uber distracting and not that parent focused anyway. send your stepfather a note telling him how much you hope he will attend with your mother Parents Weekend. Let him have a copy of the list of local hotels posted on the college website since they tend to sell out that weekend most places. my S also received one visit solo from each parent who attended concerts he was a part of..we only had a cup of coffee or a sandwich with our S on these occasions but there may be an occasion your step dad can come to a game with you or to some other big event on the calendar where parents sometimes make appearances. A mid-semester out of sight and off campus meal and chat are often welcomed as long as parents are not "hanging on" for more time and keep the visit time limited...sweet of you to care, and just telling him how you feel and asking him what he thinks makes sense now and is always an option. OK..my S has a buddy who left a goodbye note to his Mom under a magazine in the exact place she sits every evening. She was overjoyed to find this thoughtful and loving note after his father and stepmother took him off to college. Enjoy...be happy.</p>
<p>i sincerely think that it would be no big sacrifice to let your stepfather come with you... after all, he's family. You and your mother can do something special together if you want, but I'd really ask him if he wants to come. oh, and maybe you should think of getting your parents gifts too :).</p>
<p>If anyone ( Jason, Jimbob, etc. ) read the opening post they would notice that this is not the case of just a personality conflict. The op said, "Chaotic situations get him agitated and he is just hard to be around." I think that the Stepdad is not totally clueless and knows how he gets. Mom does too or she would have said something right away. You can have the sunniest personality in the world and move-in day is still going to be stressful, especially for the first child in a family. Unless Stepdad is also incredibly thin-skinned he will probably not hold a life long grudge. I don't think there are any fences to be mended, just reassurances that herecomesthesun does indeed love Stepdad. Can we vote on this??</p>
<p>Kathie, if I did or did not read the post, certainly you would know better than I would, wouldn't you? And if I didn't read the post at all, my comments certainly would be invalid, and a waste, wouldn't it? If indeed I did NOT read the post, then I might as well not have posted.</p>
<p>In any case, perhaps I should be clearer when I said that "I sincerely think it would be no big sacrifice" to have the OP's stepfather come along on moving day. I realized that yes, it would be a sacrifice on the OP's part, but I feel that the overall good outweighs the "bad", and by bad I mean the guilt, or the feeling "should I have...?" or "am I right to have not...?".</p>
<p>And the original post supports this view, and I'm encouraging this sacrifice, because the OP did say:</p>
<p>
[quote]
However, recently I have been feeling like I made the wrong choice. My stepdad is important in my life, and raised me for much of it.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>One day is a sacrifice that can be made, if the stepfather still wants it. And the OP can still spend time with mom on a separate day/time and have their own sentimental moment. Besides, the extra pair of hands on moving day are really helpful.</p>
<p>So... my vote is for the attempt at reconciliation.</p>
<p>I think you display wonderful insight, sun, gathered from a less-than-ideal upbringing. You are wise beyond your years. It's particularly impressive that you are thinking of others at this pivotal, stressful time in your life.</p>
<p>You have received very good advice, some (of course) contradictory. One "given" is that your stepfather would be stressed out--and thus would stress others out-- on the trip. Because of that I think you should stick with your original decision, but try to do something fun with him or write him a nice note before the trip. He sounds like a fairly good guy who has his limitations (as we all do). Family travel is probably not easy for him; perhaps a part of him is relieved he won't be going.</p>
<p>My suggestion is to talk to your mom. This is a very emotional day for her as well, and your post suggested that you are her only "little girl" which will probably make this an even more emotional day. I would suggest asking her if she wants him to come, and if she says that will help her then inviting him along. Although it may make it stressful, it will also give you an extra set of hands, and it may mean a lot to him.</p>
<p>First of all, thank you for all your thoughtful advice!</p>
<p>I talked to my mom about this today like some of you suggested. I just told her that I felt like I was being selfish by excluding my stepdad. Many of you said that "men aren't as sensitive" but my stepdad actually tends to get his feelings hurt easily. What she said was, "He couldn't have gone anyway because he can't get off work, and he needs to take care of the boys." This made me feel a lot better because its not like I am just saying "No" to him. </p>
<p>I asked her if she would have a hard time doing it alone, and she basically said she will be perfectly fine. I got the impression that instead of being forced to make conversation with my stepdad, and be constantly attentive to his anal retentive needs, she will be able to have a contemplative and leisurely trip back, just her and her thoughts. So maybe it will be a good thing.</p>
<p>My mom suggested I mention it to him, like many of you have suggested. He can't come, but my mom said it would be a nice gesture to say, "I wish you could come. We could really use your help, and I'm sad you won't be able to be there." I'm planning on doing this tomorrow and I think it will help mend our relationship a little bit. We have had a very strained relationship this past year, so I'm hoping he will appreciate that comment.</p>
<p>Someone mentioned Parents Weekend - there is a Family Weekend based around a big football game that both my mom and stepdad and my brothers are coming to. My "real" dad, who I have a relationship with but don't get to see very often, is also coming with his wife and their son together. So I think that will a good chance for him to spend time with me at the school...I can show him around and stuff. He likes to work out, so I'm planning on taking him on a one-on-one tour of the Rec Center. Doesn't that sound like a good idea?</p>
<p>When I went for Summer Orientation, I got my stepdad a Mizzou baseball cap, a coffee mug that said "MIZZOU DAD" on it and a Mizzou bumper sticker...so what else could I get for him, haha?</p>
<p>Wow, you're going to Mizzou!! My husband and I graduated from there eons ago. You will have a wonderful time. Go Tigers!!</p>
<p>As a suggestion, you might ask your stepdad if he wants go out for lunch or a coke or something before you go. Just the two of you. It might be nice if you both have time together without all of the hassle. Or, maybe Saturday morning breakfast -- just the two of you. </p>
<p>Keep in touch with you stepdad by e-mail when you are at school. Just a quick line every now and then to him might be nice.</p>
<p>Oh, send your younger siblings postcards. They will love hearing from you and enjoy the pictures of the campus. It really is a lovely one. Grandparents like postcards, too. If you write to your grandparents or siblings, get a map of the campus, and mark where you live and where some of your classes are. I know that you'll be busy, but those things help connect you with everyone back home.</p>
<p>Herecomesthesun, my H is very much like your stepdad. Last year when our daughter went off to college, they were having a very difficult time with one another. As a result, I was the only one to take her. Moving in was such a mess (waiting for hours in oppressive heat with all of her belongings on the sidewalk in NYC) he would have gone nuts. He just doesn't have the patience for stupidity and there is pretty much nothing but that on freshman dorm move-in day. There is no time left over to partake in any of the college events. She has transferred and this year has asked her dad to move her in. She will be going to a school with a beautiful campus in a small town he once lived in and moving into a house with only about 20 other new students. I will go visit in a few weeks and bring whatever didn't fit in the car the first time. I think that when only one parent does the move in the focus is on the student. Don't feel bad at all about the way things have turned out. Maybe you stepdad can be the one to bring you home for the summer.</p>