I am a senior in high school about to start college. I am moving to a school that is 4 hours away from where I live now and I’m going this distance for a reason. My mom married this man 2 years ago. We have all lived together and been civil, but he is extremely controlling and very rude. I have done everything in my power to be the perfect step-child: I’m in the top 10 of my class and have received a half-ride from the school that I will attend next year. I try to be very respectful and do all of the insane chores that he asks of me. I want to move hours away so that I can get away from them. Recently there has been a lot of tension in our house, and it has gotten to the point that I am trying to move in with my aunt for the remainder of high school. My mom’s husband just decided to inform me that he is looking to buy property about half a mile from the campus that I am moving to. I am just trying to get away from him! He isn’t even my father and we have only known each other for less than 3 years (they wed only a couple months after meeting). I will be 18 when I move to college, is there a way that I could prevent them from following me to college?
@memphgirl18 That sounds very strange. Is he looking to have you live at the property instead of the dorms?
@memphgirl18 do you maintain a relationship with your biological father? If so, I think this is something you would want to discuss with him.
@Fishnlines29 I got accepted into a very prestigious leadership program at the school where I will be required to live in the dorms specific to that program, so I will definitely be living on campus.
@HarvestMoon1 My biological father passed away in 2013.
To answer your question, no, there is nothing you can do to prevent them from living close to you.
What you can do is work hard, get through college as fast as possible, get an awesome job someplace far, far away, and then you have the power on whether you have contact with them or not. Let it fuel you through college.
You can also look into doing semesters abroad.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your father. While you cannot do anything to prevent the purchase of the property you certainly are under no obligation to spend time with him or visit him there. I gather from your post that the relationship is not a particularly positive one, so my advice is to engage with him only when your mother is also present.
I tend towards the glass is half empty.
Be sure to keep your aunt and a teacher/pastor/adult updated on how this goes. It may be controlling and dysfunctional or it could signal an obsession with you. Be very careful either way.
OP- condolences on the loss of your father.
Glad to hear you will be living in a dorm. Funny thing about dorms- nobody gets admitted without an ID, or without your permission. I agree with Snowball that keeping your aunt in the loop about any weird behavior is the way to go.
You cannot prevent this man from buying property near your campus, but nobody can visit you in your dorm without your knowledge or permission, and if he shows up at the library, lecture hall, or student union without an official purpose (i.e. for the purpose of bothering you) he can be removed by campus security.
Does your mom have any insight into the situation, i.e. him being controlling??? Does she know he makes you uncomfortable?
Does he work? If he has a regular job, it is not so easy to just pick up and move 4 hours away. I have to say it is very strange he would want to move the family just to be that close to you. It is good you will live on campus. Is he paying for your college (the other half)? If he is then you will need to try to “handle” him until you graduate. If he is not contributing to your college expenses then you would have more options. I assume the aid from school is a merit aid?
Are you an only child @memphgirl18? Could the possible move been initiated by your mother?
They will not be on campus, you will. So easy to ignore people, family or others, that do not live on campus and go to classes. Relax and do not let this spoil your final months of HS. Do not worry about this. All you need to do next fall is say “no” to any requests for getting together. Easy to claim (and truthfully) that you are too busy. No need to ever invite them to see your dorm room or meet for lunch et al. No need to respond to phone calls, emails, texting et al. I know this because our son never answered our attempts to contact him nor after one trip inside his dorm did we go into it. We waited outside in the car when we were picking him up for trips home. His form of shutting parents out I guess.
Again, relax and ignore this. Your life and college experience will not change unless YOU choose to let it. Be nice and say nothing, knowing you are in control of your college life. btw- my son is also a master of controlling his life- I know you can as well.
btw- it sounds like I am a !#$%^ parent, hence son’s behavior. Years later he has a better perspective and a better relationship.
He may be just playing mind games. When he says this, don’t rise to the bait. Just smile and say nothing or something vague. Don’t engage in argument or anything. And as someone said, it’s not that easy to just up and move. Agree to keep Aunt closely informed. I would also keep you guidance counselor or other school authority in the loop is there is a problem where they might can intercede on you behalf with regards to college. (Step-f threatens to pull support etc).
I agree. Make trusted adults aware of this situation. Also, be sure to discuss this with the officials at the University. Advise them that you do not welcome your Stepfather on campus. If they do move near campus to be near you. Tell the school that this is not what you want. And, that it is a real concern.
He is controlling. Perhaps the tension comes from his realization that when you are away he will no longer be able to control you. Do you think he is the type of person that will just threaten to do something like purchase property or make a move to manipulate you. Or, do you think that is truly his intent to buy property near campus?
Are you concerned your Mother and Stepfather will not help support you financially, if you do not agree to this new living situation?
Your Mother, should be able to discuss this with you. If she cannot, that is reason for concern. All the more reason to ask for help from stable relations or responsible community members.
You are going to be fine. Do not worry unduly. Do, do what you can to communicate your concerns with those people who can advocate for you.
Congratulations on your achievements. Celebrate them. You are doing great.
Is it a realistic plan or could it just be a wish? Are your mom and her husband’s jobs easily portable? Is the real estate market favorable for sellers in your current area and buyers where they want to go?
I would take it one step at a time: if they do move, create the expectations right away that school comes first, not spending time much with them.
Are you working? Being independent of them financially as much as you can will give you more personal freedom as well. Start with an on campus job with only a few hours a week and work up from there.
I wonder. He is intending to buy property. Does that mean land, rental property, a primary home, or a vacation or second home? Did he indicate he is intending to move the family there or just own the property? The answer may give you some insight into his motives.
Tell a teacher/counselor/adult everything- the crazy chores, controlling things done to you, statement of purchasing property, everything else that has gone on. Should he decide to pull funding or kick you out it is necessary to have someone be able to confirm what has been going on.
Have you turned 18 yet?
Where is your mother in all this? Does she want to follow you to college? Is it perhaps her idea? Are you an only child?
As others have said, you can’t keep them from living nearby, but that doesn’t mean you have to see them all the time. There is a college in my town, and a few kids I know attend there but live in the dorms even though their families are only a few miles away. In all honesty, they don’t go home or see their families much more than kids who are a few hours away and when they do it’s because they want to - usually a trip home to do laundry and see the dog or a dinner out because mom and dad are paying.
@memphgirl18 In that case, don’t worry about it! He cannot visit you on campus without your permission - so 1/2 mile or not, you can easily avoid him. Sorry to hear about your dad.
Congratulations on your accomplishments and good luck first year!
How is the balance of the cost of college being paid? You have a trust fund from your dad or any such thing? If your mother and her DH are paying for your college, you really want to play a long game. An obligation of the program to live on campus does not mean anything if they decide not to pay the half. You want to keep conflict to a minimum.