<p>CCC Transfer
IGETC Certified
2 AA Degrees
3.25 Cumm. GPA
4.0 Major GPA for Sociology
Major Prep complete
English and Math Done
Very Strong, Moving personal statement
First Generation College Student
Foster Care</p>
<p>And when do admission decisions come out for all UC's??</p>
<p>Also which UC do you think would award the most grants, scholarships and assistance to me?</p>
<p>Thanks and Happy Turkey Day!!!</p>
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<p>That 3.25 will not help you at all for Cal. You’re not seen as competitive and that’s a bummer since you have all of your prerequisites completed and everything. </p>
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<p>Probably around the end of April? </p>
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<p>I don’t think anyone on college confidential can answer that.</p>
<p>I know a guy who got into UCB with a weak GPA of 3.6 and a great personal statement. Your one was so-so, last version I saw. The great one that other guy wrote as about how he went to Alcoholics Anonymous and over came alcoholism + He was taking 19 units a semester and working two jobs. So your chance is 50/50 or maybe less.</p>
<p>OCnative: So do you think 50/50 chance or less because Berkeley puts a huge emphasis on diversity and admitting students who have overcome adversity, my first 3 semesters my Cumm. GPA was 2.11, then I went on a great upward spiral and made it up to a 3.2? And I meant just from seeing other transfer threads and seeing what scholarships were awarded to who, but I appreciate the honesty.</p>
<p>Bomerr: I had a recent Berkeley Grad who works in the writing Center at my CCC look over my essay and I revised it with him 4 times, let me know what you think now for Prompt 2:</p>
<p>Growing up I believed privation and divorce defined my family life, but that was before my mom passed away. I was seven when my mom was involved in a fatal drunk-driving accident. It wasn’t her fault but from then until the time I was thirteen, I was invariably depressed, and being sexually abused by three different older male family members. I didn’t’t really know what I wanted in life until I had been through so much that there was barely enough of myself left to stay alive. Every day I forced myself to believe that it would be better tomorrow; I persevered for years until that tomorrow came. My main abuser, William was seven years older than me and my dad called him to babysit me when he wanted to go out drinking, which happened often. I was socialized to believe that television was entertaining and to respect people of authority. Every time William would babysit me he would wait anxiously until there was no adults around, lay me on his bed and put on a movie; but then I would feel him touching me. Watching the adult films aroused me as he continued to touch me there. He would begin to put his mouth on my genitals for a while, then almost out of nowhere he would put himself inside of me. Almost always I bled from my backside; he would see this smile, then get a wet towel and force it along with his fingers inside of me. It was the most excruciating pain I had felt in my life, but I lived through it somehow. When I was thirteen I found out from school that what I had gone through was wrong. After realizing this I tried, through stealing, to make myself whole again, at least in my mind. From fourteen until I was seventeen I was in and out of juvenile facilities; after notice of abuse was provided to the courts I was sent to a foster-care facility. I didn’t know anyone when moving there, but they had counselors who helped people, like my counselor Jenny. We would spend the good part of days talking about me, my mom, my family and how I felt about my past. I felt uncomfortable talking at first but then I grew to like Jenny and our little talks. I talked to her for weeks, then months and it made me feel like maybe it wasn’t so bad; the situation I was in and my life altogether. After six months there, I felt this sense friendship, comfortability as well as a sense of who I was as a person. My heart was moved and I suddenly wanted to be more like Jenny; I wasn’t her family, yet she genuinely cared for me and somewhere deep inside me that touched me. Prior to going to this foster care facility, I had been taken advantage of and really had no place to call home, but now for once it looked like maybe, just maybe, I had that feeling of wholeness again. My experience there and the altruism that surrounded me caused me desire to give that same feeling of hope and genuineness to another person; someone who had something happen to them in their life that caused them to lose trust in not only themselves, but the world too. I know in my heart of hearts that people aren’t inherently evil, people might do bad things from time to time but I believe that if someone truly cares they can help not only themselves, but society as a whole. I know this because if I can overcome all the craziness, depression, sexual abuse, and incarceration, then anyone can succeed. Life has thrown me so many twists and turns, but every time I get up. When I first started college, I didn’t know what I was doing, just that I needed to persevere through it and I knew I’d be a better person for it. Having been through all the craziness of depression, incarceration, sexual abuse, I know deep down that my experiences gave me the willpower to be stronger than I could have ever imagined for a purpose. I’m not perfect and I don’t aim for perfection. I aim for progress because each day is a new opportunity to move forward and hopefully change a life for the better. I finally have that better tomorrow. I just want everyone, regardless of their past to know that they too can succeed. They just need someone whose been there to show them that they’re not too lost to succeed. </p>
<p>That’s what I submitted on a scale of 1 to 10 what would you rate honestly as a reader?</p>
<p>And when do admission decisions come out for all UC’s??</p>
<p>Last year UCSB released their acceptance mid March. UCI, end of march. Cal and UCLA the end of April.</p>
<p>Okay…so your essay is a bit more better than the last time I read it. It has some flaws though and I really wished you didn’t include this sentence:</p>
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<p>It’s so cliche. I liked that you ended it with “I finally have that better tomorrow”. It sounds strong but, unfortunately, you kind of killed it with that next sentence. Other than that, the relationship with Jenny is interesting and those details of the sexual abuse may be extremely uneasy to read but there’s a sense that I get to know you as a person more considering you’ve been through so much. </p>
<p>So good job! </p>
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<p>They do put emphasis and I hope your GPA doesn’t affect you completely in the admissions process. I just wonder if they will be able to see past your grades…I say you have a 20% chance but who knows, right?</p>
<p>Thanks for the comments I just wanted to express genuinely who I am and what my goals are, plus I felt that that kind of led into my why my major paper.</p>
<p>I appreciate the honesty and I planned on UCSB anyways so hope for the best but expect the worst.</p>
<p>Honestly you still have the exact same problems as your previous version.
You ramble too much for the few sentences. Then you tell us way too much detail about the problems:</p>
<p>Like we don’t need to know about how it happened -babysitting - and we def don’t need to know his name and WE MOST DEF don’t need to know about the adult films and the arousal. </p>
<p>After that you ramble too much. You are speaking too much in the moment. Then ya cliche ending. </p>
<p>You really need to focus your thoughts and get some direction. Like within the first paragraph you should be mentioning faster case and overcoming issues because that is what the rest of the essay will be about.</p>
<p>Okay well a Berkeley Grad and 4 experiences writing tutors disagree, they said I need to include very personal moments and even include a name, they’re opinion not mine.</p>
<p>Goodluck wherever u applied Bomerr</p>
<p>There is an old saying, it goes something like this: the worst person to ask about how to make money is someone who is already wealthy. Why? Because they probably don’t understand the keys to their success. Another way to think of it is, we have all had smart teachers, who knew the material well, but they were lousy teachers who couldn’t explain it well. </p>
<p>Just because someone graduated from UCB or is a writing tutor doesn’t mean they know anything about the admissions process. You gotta get the information from the horses month.</p>
<p>There are 2 important points here.</p>
<p>1st is content. To which you can find out all the info you need here
"<a href="http://webapp01.orangecoastcollege.edu/video/atovar/3.html">http://webapp01.orangecoastcollege.edu/video/atovar/3.html</a>"
They specifically state that too much information is a bad thing.</p>
<p>2nd is just writing style. Which as I’ve said isn’t strong at all. </p>
<p>Combine the two together. It’s tasteful talking details like that. Your essay should focus on how you cover came adversity, not describe the incident in vivid the detail. </p>
<p>For so many people to help you, it’s crazy they didn’t even point out that you don’t have a thesis statement; which is like one of the most basic things you should have learned in english class. You don’t even mention foster-care (which is the experience the prompt wants) until midway into the essay.</p>
<p>And 3 others who got into UCLA on a full ride from my CCC because mainly of personal statements just disregard their thoughts too?</p>
<p>You don’t need a thesis statement dude this is a personal statement not an English paper.
I introduced my “better tomorrow” in the beginning and went back to it in the end. I made numerous revisions, they all thought it was great, even for Cal so I think I’ll go with people who actually got into UCLA and Cal.</p>
<p>Your link is not from UCLA or UCB it’s from orange coast lmao completely different and for different purposes.</p>
<p>A transfer essay reflects who you are and your problem in very vivid detail and how you overcame it/why.</p>
<p>My friend who went to UCLA on a full ride wrote hers on being homeless growing up and how her father would physically beat her, just sayin details are good it gives the admissions and scholarship people a true sense of you in the rawest form and that’s what they want.</p>
<p>I honestly like your essay. I feel like I’m in your shoes. But, I felt a little uncomfortable about when you got abused. Maybe delete that part or not make it so vivid. I feel like admission would feel uncomfortable and even a little doubt might be the make it or break it point. But then again, many people write risky personal statements so you could take a s shot. I started writing about a fruit and incorporated that into my life so I’m taking a risk as well. Goodluck! :)</p>
<p>mmmmmm raw</p>
<p>Saying you got molested is okay, saying they turned on the tv to get you hot… not so much. Their is a fine line between getting your message across and being inappropriate. If you are not socially astute enough to understand the difference then that’s that. </p>
<p>I’ve seen people who have talked about traumatic experiences in their writings that have been a lot more powerful than yours. They didn’t have run-on sentences, they followed basic writing styles like including a thesis statement, their thoughts were organized well, etc. Remember just because you have something bad happen to you doesn’t mean you deserve to get into a good university. You aren’t the 1st person to talk about getting molested and you won’t be the last.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’m the first person to be abused by not 1 or 2 but 3 male family members. I don’t think I’m the first person to steal things and get arrested. I don’t think I’m the first person to be in and out of juvenile hall. I don’t think I’m the first person to be sent to a Foster care facility because the courts found out about abuse, and I don’t think I’m the first person to have their mom taken from them when they were only 7 because some jackass drunk driver killed her, or that I’m the only person who could make an inspiring change and be confident that they will succeed. </p>
<p>If I believed 100% I deserved or would get in wherever I want I wouldn’t be on here, a year ago I definitely didn’t have the balls or confidence to share my story especially with a bunch of strangers, but now I’m confident in my abilities and I put my story on here not only for my benefit but to maybe also help someone else who had a hard time growing up to know they’re not alone and that they can be strong too and share their story.</p>
<p>Matt4200</p>
<p>From what it seems, you’re not really open to any answer other than “Yes, you have a great shot.”</p>
<p>JYTransfer:</p>
<p>If you read my previous post "Matt4200 Thanks for the comments I just wanted to express genuinely who I am and what my goals are, plus I felt that that kind of led into my why my major paper.</p>
<p>I appreciate the honesty and I planned on UCSB anyways so hope for the best but expect the worst.
"</p>
<p>I’m just expressing to Bomerr that it’s not an English essay it’s a statement and as a personal statement there should be no thesis there should simply be a response to the prompt. You should introduce the idea of what your going to say at the end in one sentence in the beginning and go from there. Sources: UCB grad, UCLA grad, scholarship rep from UCSB, admissions rep UCLA retired last year, and multiple experienced writers who help people with personal statements specifically for the UC’s.</p>
<p>I’m not looking for a yeah you’ll get in or no you won’t get in just seeing what people think based on my stats and personal statement ultimately no one on here has any say in what happens, if UCB wants me they’ll admit me if not I’ll go to UCSB where I TAG’d.</p>
<p>“I’m not looking for a yeah you’ll get in or no you won’t get in just seeing what people think based on my stats and personal statement”</p>
<p>In that case, your thread title is very misleading.
When you ask others to chance you, you have to understand that it is purely their opinion they are offering you.</p>
<p>And if u read the second half of that quote, “just seeing what people think based on my stats and personal statement”.</p>
<p>The reason I’m saying chance me is to get a rough idea of people’s thoughts of my personal statement as individuals not asking for an academic review of it I’m appealing to the admissions and scholarships humanity as individuals, also seeing what people think of my stats. I don’t see that as misleading, but if someone tells me I’m missing a thesis statement in a paper that you’re not supposed to have a thesis statement on and says that vivid detail is bad when I’ve been told by numerous educated people who’ve been through the process then I think I can correct them on that, am I wrong to do that?</p>
<p>JYtransfer is correct, you have to accept peoples’ opinion since you did ask for it. In that vain, I have to agree wholeheartedly with bomerr, you are far too graphic in your detail of the abuse. It’s borderline obscene. I feel terrible that you suffered such a horrible childhood, but you actually describe the penetration and the bleeding! My God dude, that’s way too much. I’m a UCLA student, and I got into UCB if that helps you trust me a little, and I think it’s in your best interest to disregard what the other people said about including detail. I almost couldn’t continue reading it, it made me that uncomfortable. Your GPA isn’t very competitive, but then again, neither is your major, so if you nail the ps, I think you might have a shot. But you will definitely blow it if you submit the ps I just read. Bomerr is wrong about the thesis, so don’t worry about that. You have some structure and grammar problems, but it’s not too bad. Good luck.</p>