So another update. D2 finished enough outstanding work over spring break to return to school. Anxiety has unfortunately ramped up again–and at this point all of us supporting D2 see the goal as getting her through so she can graduate with her class. She has been accepted to several colleges but at this point unless there is a rapid turnaround I think we’ll be looking to defer acceptance. It’s not clear what her final grades will be–hopefully adcoms will understand that this is due to illness which will need to be dealt with before she can attend school and not rescind any admissions offers.
Then will come deciding what to do if she takes a gap year–obviously beginning with intensive therapy but what after that…? And like @shoboemom said, how do you really tell when they are ready? This kid can function beautifully–and can fall apart. She can’t take any classes for credit during a gap year–so how do we simulate what she needs to do in college to see whether she can manage??
@2eMomof2, I am so glad to hear that she was able to return to school, and sorry to hear that the anxiety kicked in again. I know we realized over time, that when D got feeling a little better, we(including her) had a tendency to expect too much, too soon, and then that that led to an inevitable struggle.
One thing my D is considering doing over the summer is perhaps taking an adulated class or two. I think it would be helpful for her to take a class in using Excel, or similar, and then maybe something more fun. In the past one of our local grocery stores offered cooking classes over the summer, and even an exercise class would be beneficial. Things like that might be useful…good skills to pick up, while being in a class environment, on a schedule, but without the pressure of grades.
^^ good ideas, all. Besides keeping your daughter busy, these classes may give her a boost of confidence. My son was deeply depressed after leaving school, because he felt like a failure. When he was at his lowest, what worked wonders was a trip. His older sister was going to Nepal for a month, and agreed for him to accompany him. That experience – besides being a trip of a lifetime – made him realize that not being in college just then had its advantages - that there were opportunities and adventures waiting for him, and worth working to get better for.
^^yes, yes yes! She needs to do something that she can be good at, without any pressure to perform. Volunteering, taking an online or CC or business school class, or a community ed class can all remind her that there is more than a classroom. But plan for the gap year after she’s through graduation. When people ask about her plans, you all hold up your heads, smile, and say she’s still deciding. That’s okay. It really, really is.
As for knowing when she’s ready? Throw the timeline away, and just concentrate on the next few months. Accept that the windows of opportunity will probably open and close and you will miss many of them, but there will be others. You and she will create the opportunities when she is ready for them, and when she’s ready, you won’t have to ask. (But of course, you’ll still be worried. That seems to be permanent!!) People told me that, and I completely wanted to punch them, but they turned out to be right. Just hang on for this month, and then next month. Rinse and repeat.
Is there a local university she could attend? That would be the safest. Then if there are any problems, you’re right there to help, and she can stay at home if necessary.
The main thing I’ve learned through my son’s severe mental illness is that we should have moved slower with him. Since his illness came on so suddenly, when he was a college freshman, we kept thinking he would do better than he did. There are no downsides to moving slowly! Life is not a race. My husband didn’t even get his bachelor’s degree until he was 30, and he has done quite well. I have quoted this many times on CC, but the most important tip I got about my son was, “You want to keep the ball in play.” It’s blunt, but excellent to remember!
Oops, just caught my typo! ‘adulated’ classes was supposed to be Adult Ed classes.
@shoboemom, I think some adulation would do D2 wonders! 
Thanks for all support and suggestions…I’ve already been dealing with the failure to launch of S1, so certainly know the drill. I just was REALLY hoping that one of my kids could stay more or less on course. Sad about it today…
@2eMomof2, I know how you feel. My 22-year-old is living in a group home and my 20-year-old has not started college yet. My husband and I can’t believe that two of our three kids may not be college grads. It’s really hard. 
And now youngest daughter, 17, is going to therapy for anxiety because of her big brother’s illness.
@2eMomof2, sorry you’re blue today. You’re obviously a good, caring, responsible mom. Your kids are safe and on the path they need to be on. There are so many tragic stories of kids who don’t have the support of their families. Your kids are lucky to have you in their corner. Hang in there.
@2eMomof2, it’s hard, we know. Go ahead and vent here if it helps. We’ve all done it! But do find ways to tell your daughter that she’s not a failure, that it’s OK to take a break, to focus on things other than school. Find ways to tell her that you respect her efforts, admire her intelligence and support her during her gap year. The last thing you want is for your daughter to feel like she’s a loser, or she’s hopeless (my son’s favorite adjective about himself during his crisis). Self respect is crucial in healing.
I don’t know how competitive the colleges that accepted your DD are, or how far from home. I treated an gal who took a medical leave from an Ivy college. She tends to be a perfectionist, has limited social skills, and poor use of time. She would have done better to leave that school, take a few classes at a time at our local U, and continue living with her parents. She simply could not handle a full load of classes.
OTOH, I’ve known 2 girls with anxiety issues who didn’t take a full load, went to summer school, and graduated in 5 years. These girls had social skills, friends, ECs.
2eMomof2: Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear your D is still struggling, but at least you know the score BEFORE she matriculates. My S is finishing up his gap year. He started the fall with a light load (6 credits) at our local university as a non-degree student. He also did a number of Coursera (free, online classes) and gigged as a musician. In the spring, he added on auditions and a music competition, and an internship in his field. While many are advocating not “pushing” a timeline (which I agree with!), I wanted to add the perspective that, at least for my S, the timeline of “being ready for fall of 2015” was very motivating and positive. The coursework can be especially beneficial to do concurrently with therapy as you need some stressors to give the skills you learn in therapy some exercise!
Congratulations on your daughter,s upcoming graduation. As for college, it’s really hard to plan too far out in these situations. A gap year might become gap years. After time has passed, the college your daughter attends may matter a whole lot less and you rethink where she’ll go. I would say, for now, focus on now. College will take care of itself.
And while there are many “slow and steady” stories, in our situation, free time=Way too much time to get too anxious about the future. Choosing the local college was more luck than conscious choice, but it made all the difference.
I can’t imagine having my daughters away at boarding school. My oldest is a senior and it has taken me years to prepare her to leave home but I think she is ready now and is really excited about college. OP, can your daughter live at home for the next year and commute to a college or even take online courses? Even if it’s just part time? It sounds like she needs a home environment where she can be more in control of things. That will really help her anxiety.
I think you’re right that you need to find out the cause of the anxiety. It sounds to me like she was focused so hard on the goal of college applications that when it was all over with fairly good results, she felt like she didn’t know what she was working so hard for anymore, and her motivation just collapsed. But she still had to do all the work, and without the motivation that must have felt like an impossible task.
I’d be tempted to counsel her to steer clear of any kind of classroom situation during her gap year. Instead, I’d suggest that she simply get a job and work for a living for a while. I think that part of the anxiety our kids feel about the college process is due to worrying that they won’t be able to “make it” as real adults. There’s something about earning a wage, even if it’s minimum wage and not the kind of job you are actually aiming for post-college, that says to you “see, you can actually earn money and support yourself if you need to.” Then she can go back to college with additional confidence.
Anxiety the disease (as opposed to the feeling) may not have a cause. The kid might just be wired for it.
DD has clinical anxiety, as did two female generations before her, that we know of for certain. There were possibly more. For her, it is not about therapy, although she has loved the attention when she’s had counseling. The answer has always been the right medication to help her brain chemistry. She lives anxiety free, if the meds are right. Meds can fail suddenly, but luckily for her, small tweaks save her from overwhelming, self-destructive, debilitating anxiety.
^^Good for her. If only all were so lucky. Unfortunately, we’re not. The anxiety disorder OCD, for instance, also runs in families and is very biologically based, but doesn’t respond very well to meds for most patients. They need therapy to learn to cope. PTSD has an outside cause (trauma) but a better response to medication for a lot of sufferers. There’s just no way way to say either find and treat the cause and anxiety can be cured OR find the right combination of medications and live anxiety free. Doesn’t work that way.
@ordinarylives – thanks. We feel very blessed and darn lucky that medication works (sorry, didn’t mean to sound snarky about that)–I’m just so hopeful that the meds don’t fail at the start of freshman year (college), as they did at the start of senior year (H.S.), when she initially spent days curled up in a ball unable to function. The failure happens with little warning…